The Bachelorette: Let's End the Damn Thing

Week 11 - Finale

Becca and her final 2 are off to the Maldives for their final destination because it's the perfect place to declare your love for one and shatter the soul of another. Her family gets a free vacation to meet the two met and give their opinions on two guys they have like an hour to meet. First up is Garrett who shares the Kufrin love of fishing, explains his divorce to a new crowd, gets emotional over his family, and is extremely teary-eye talking about his love for Becca. The family loves him because he loves Becca so much. Blake's coming in from behind and the family seems to put him on the defense, as he tries to explain his love for Becca and "strong, independent women" and gets deflated when Becca's mom tells him if he gets dumped he'll be OK. When Becca is a little weird with Blake when he leaves, he's getting some bad vibes that remind him of his ex. Becca is extremely torn because her heart initially was all-in on Blake (who will balance and challenge her) but her feelings for Garrett (who they think would be a good dad) have intensified over time.

Becca has her final dates with both men, trying to suss out where her heart lies. Becca and Garrett take to the sea to ogle majestic dolphins, then get verklempt about Becca's deceased dad, who would like Garrett because of fly-fishing. Garrett just wants Becca to be happy at the end, but especially if she wants to have a family with him because dude wants kids real bad. Becca and Blake ride bikes and paddle board, then talk about that downer of a family visit which apparently went better than portrayed to Blake's face. Blake busts out a craft project of love: a time capsule of their time together. Hmmm, no craft from Garrett - way to care. But will a craft project be a deciding factor? I mean it should, but I love crafts.

It's proposal day! Neil Lane brings his briefcase of diamonds all the way to the Maldives and he only has one button undone on his shirt, so he's really grown over the years.  Becca puts on one last horrible dress that looks like a macrame swan mermaid. It's off to the proposal dock beautifully constructed for the picture-perfect proposal... and ultimate heartbreak.

Speaking of, Blake is up first so that's pretty bad news. Blake begins his speech about all their happy moments but Becca's suppressed smiles should show something is off, and his extreme sweating is definitely an indicator of the nerves. Becca compliments Blake on giving her proof she could love again, except it's with someone else. Blake can't believe it, wonders what he did wrong, sweats a hell of a lot more, says I love you, and leaves to cry into a towel. And cut to the After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison questions Blake about this devastating day of his life. Blake has no hard feelings and can't be angry with her for doing what makes her happy. Becca and Blake are reunited and he still wonders what triggered her decision (answer: nothing, she needed to choose who was the better fit for her future). But this heartbreak won't bring Blake down and he'll learn and grow. It's him using his poetic words for his Bachelor campaign. 

Oh but remember there's supposed to be a happy ending on this show, so back to the proposin'! Garrett heads to the proposal spot and this time when he shares the happy stories and reasons he loves Becca she's actually smiling. And she shares feelings back and if you recall Garrett got the first impression rose, much like most Bachelorette winners. Garrett gets down on one knee with the giant three stone engagement ring to represent his divorced past, present and future with Becca. Last rose for Becca!

The happy couple come onstage to After the Final Rose and are excited to finally be public with their relationship and the hideous ring. Becca's felt Garrett was the one at hometown dates, which is the same time it sealed the deal for him. Garrett stands by his apology, which is important phrasing, and says he's trying to grow but also doesn't say what he liked was wrong. Becca stands by Garrett in all of this. They look foward to doing normal things like going to Costco, getting a free trip to Thailand, and the minvan from night one.

Well another season over and all I can say is: bring on Paradise!! Thank you all for reading my recaps each week and tweeting along. To quote the second worst Bachelor ever: I LOVE THAT.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All and Shout Loudly

Week 10 - The Men Tell All

Becca's rejected men take the stage to yell at each other for one last bit of airtime (until half the cast is on Bachelor in Paradise in two weeks). Instead of paragraphs, I'm giving you bullet points because recapping the Men Tell All special is always a mess and I consider it a chore but I still love you readers, so I still recap.

• Jordan is the center of anything and everything, bickering with everyone (except his man Grocery Joe) and using fantastical phrases to boast about himself, which are next level clever. There's also fighting over the level of model David is compared to the other guys who are models too. Jordan is quick on the comeback and since he's overly confident and funny he realizes this rubbed the guys the wrong way.
• Jordan is wearing the gold hot pants.
• The guys thought Jordan's main antagonist David was much more focused on hating Jordan than giving Becca attention.
• Jean Blanc claims he was falling for Becca, but Colton and the other men think it was all BS and ruined the L-word for the other men by cheapening it for attention. He later apologizes to Becca for pulling this move and gifts her a new fragrance that he's not going to take back.
• Grocery Joe was eliminated night one but gets to sit in the hot seat because he captured our hearts. He's so popular I'm still holding on to the hope he'll be the next Bachelor should Bachelor in Paradise not pan out for him.
• Wills lives his stylish life to the fullest in a dark green plaid suit.
• Colton is very morose about being dumped by Becca, partially because of Tia. A very hard part of this experience also was revealing his virginity on TV after lying to cover up his shame, so when Jean Blanc insulted him during the reunion about this it was still painful.
• Jason cries seeing himself get dumped again.
• Jason's mom sends the vomit emoji every time Becca says he's a good kisser.
• Becca was going to dump Colton regardless of Tia's revelation of feelings.
• Chris apologizes to Becca and brings out a gospel choir to sing his apologies.
• People love bloopers and there are some pretty great ones that actually made me laugh out loud.

Well, we survived the Men Tell All and we're one week away from finding out who Becca will choose. See you then!

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Thailand or Bust

Week 9 - Fantasy Suites

Becca and her final three hop on long flights for their Fantasy Suite dates in Thailand. Becca is apparently in love with two men and falling in love with a third, which is fairly easy to guess the third place guy. But two hearts shall be broken in time - whose will they be?

First date of the week is with Blake, where they go on an affection-free hike until they reach a sacred temple and get to ring a bell to spread their love. While these overnight dates are meant to be exciting and fun, Blake is completely in his head about the other guys and fears Becca might love them and heartbreak might come his way again. Becca helps comfort Blake and relates to his feelings since she went through this experience a year ago. But Blake's a self-described guy who's here to stay, not go. And go they do to the extremely ornate decorated Fantasy Suite AKA Bone Zone! Lying in bed the next morning, Blake reassures Becca he loves her but he's back to being insecure which will last until he gets the chance to propose.

Next up on the date roster is Jason, who Becca takes on a date to the market to eat crickets and take in the sights. Becca has a great time with Jason, but feelings-wise she's still only starting to fall in love with him while the other two guys are full blown love feelings. Her lack of feelings puts her into a major guilt trip after making a passive comment about the future to Jason, since she knows a future ain't happening. Yet the date continues on, randomly jumping ahead in time to the night portion of the date. Becca can't even seem to fake being happy around Jason any more, looking completely stoic as Jason talks about his strong feelings for her and the hometown visit. Once Jason stops blabbing, he checks in on how Becca is feeling and she can't hide it anymore: she's just not that into him and isn't going to put him through an overnight date when she doesn't reciprocate the feelings. He keeps trying to plead his case but she can't keep up the charade eventhough she feels terrible. Eventually Jason accepts it and takes a very glum limo ride to the airport.

Last but not least (well for Becca, definitely last for me), Becca and Garrett go rafting where they see an elephant and a bunch of Thai people partying it up for a holiday. Garrett tells Becca he's getting better at communicating now that he's falling in love with her, which is what she needs to hear. Their night portion of the date is at an elaborately laid out campsite where Becca is wearing the most hideous lace outfit I have seen. Garrett admits right before coming to the show, he considered backing out because he wasn't sure about being in a relationship or married again, but turns out it all worked out. Becca is all smiles as Garrett is very open to moving in the future (or meeting in the middle) to help pursue Becca's goals. Garrett says he loves Becca and he hopes she's the last woman he has to say it to, and of course they head to their Fantasy Suite treehouse mere feet away for their night together.

Just when you think this episode should be over and things are OK, Jason rolls up to Becca's hotel and knocks on the door. He needs to keep telling Becca how much he cares about her and she has to reiterate it wasn't easy to dump him, but it had to be done. Jason gives Becca a scrapbook he made for her throughout their reality TV dating voyage and leaves. Thanks for the time-filler, Jason.

There are two men left now and both love Becca, and she loves them both. Both men get their roses, but they're kind of default roses since Jason isn't there. The question is, which man does Becca see being by her side by the rest of her life - or near future? To be continued until after we suffer through The Men Tell All.


[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Hittin' Up Hometowns with Becca

The Bachelorette - Week 8 - Hometown Dates

Becca begins her hometown visits with Garrett, getting a tour around his California farm on the old John Deere. This is a big visit for Garrett because the last woman the family met was his ex-wife, so it gives him another opportunity to explain why she was terrible. His family doesn't want a crappy new girlfriend so they plan to drop the hammer if needed. Everyone sits down to dinner, toasts, then immediately gets up from the table for interrogation. Mom is the most protective and it seems to go well with Becca, but she's moreso concerned about how Garrett will take it if he isn't picked. Surprise, surprise the family comes around and approves of Becca, who is also very happy around snooze-worthy Garrett.

Next up: a buffalo wing eating competition and some ice skating in Buffalo, New York with unexpected final four member Jason. Again, dinner is omitted to get right down to business and Jason's mom can't get a good read on Becca's true feelings for him. While Jason knows he's been playing from behind, he feels like their connection is surpassing the other guys (ehhh). Despite the whole family seeing the complete obvious outcome, they are supportive of their son. Before Becca leaves, Jason professes to Becca that he's in love with her to which she says, "That means the world to me." Romance!

Across the country Becca travels for her hometown date with Blake in Colorado and she's in love with him but still hasn't told him. His hometown can't compare to the buffalo wing capital of the world, so Blake brings Becca to his high school to tour his alma mater. In a shocking reveal, Blake reveals that his high school was part of a school shooting and man, it's intense to hear. But there's still a surprise to come: a whole hometown crowd and a musical performance by Betty Who to surprise Becca in the auditorium. It's then off to meet Blake's family and yet again, mom is concerned about possible heartbreak seeing how hard he's fallen for Becca. Becca gets lightly grilled but overall everyone approves and Becca really likes Blake's family.

Finally, it's the last stop of hometowns! Still in Colorado, Becca meets up with Colton and they surprise two kids in the hospital with toys and gifts - the softer side of Colton. Colton's got a pretty giant family lined up to meet Becca considering he doesn't introduce his girlfriends (18 people!). Colton brings up the Tia situation with his dad, and lets his mom know he had the virginity talk with Becca. Deep talks! Colton's dad tells Becca if she's not going to choose Colton to please dump him now to save him heartbreak later. Colton tells his mom he loves Becca and he thinks he could be engaged at the end of this. Becca likes Colton's family and it's a successful hometown visit ending with Colton telling Becca he loves her.

Back to homebase of LA for Becca to choose which three men move along to the Fantasy Suite dates. But Becca needs a second opinion so she asks her gal pals from Arie's season to come listen to her vaguely recap her hometown dates and give their opinions. It's as if all of this is an elaborately staged plotline just to have Tia tell Becca extremely far in the process that Tia, in fact, does have feelings for Colton. Becca is shaken up because she supports her friend but also is supposedly falling for Colton. What's a girl to do? Colton asks Chris Harrison for Fantasy Suite advice for truly no good reason, then gets cut by Becca at the Rose Ceremony. Enjoy getting back together with Tia in Paradise, Colton!

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Bahama Mama

Week 7

Becca and her men depart the exotic state of Virginia for the pretty blah Bahamas with it's crystal clear water, smooth sand, and bottomless daiquiris. But first, Becca has to have a conversation with Chris Harrison about all her feelings and whatnot. Also big news: no Rose Ceremony, only dates! Wahoo, save an evening gown.

Colton joins Becca for the first 1-on-1 date in the Bahamas, sailing and smooching on a catamaran. Then a dude rolls up to get them to catch and eat conch, which is an aphrodisiac. This is, of course, a wonderfully elaborate setup to make Colton uncomfortable because he's preparing to reveal to tell Becca he's a virgin. They ditch their very enthusiastic Bahamian pal and get dressed up to fake eat dinner. Becca gets nervous when Colton admits he has a secret and she's surprised to find out he focused on football and not banging. This apparently shakes Becca enough that she has to get up and get some fresh air. Colton is being honest instead of lying like he did in the locker room. Also, he isn't saying a hard no to sex, just waiting for the right person. Becca appreciates that Colton takes this all very seriously and wants to meet his family, so she gives him the date rose.

Next up is Garrett, who flies away on a seaplane a private makeout island with Becca. He's very confident in their relationship and connection, trying to be positive about this weird dating experience and life in general. Becca is falling for Garrett but she wants to make sure they're connecting deeper than their immediate physical attraction. Becca uses the night portion of the date to dig into Garrett's failed marriage and why it did and didn't work out. Her concern is that Garrett likes the idea of them together more and he reassures her of his true feelings. He's falling in love with her and Becca is very pleased. Garrett gets the date rose and they strip down to their swimsuits to makeout in the water at night.

After spending a few days moaning about his status and insecurity with his relationship, Blake finally gets his 1-on-1 date. And what a date it is: it's a live performance from the Baha Men! And they only play "Who Let the Dogs Out?" once! Blake opens up to Becca about his rocky week of emotions, and Becca admits it's been hard for her too - having feelings for multiple guys vs. her prior experience of only have Arie (bleckh) to think about. Becca really appreciates Blake's honesty and openness but hopes to get some more info about his parent's divorce before a possible hometown date. And boy does Blake share a dramatic saga about his mom dating his coach/teacher. Becca tells Blake that she's attracted to how open he is, but he's an open book with her and is falling in love... but staying in love sounds even more fun. Blake tells Becca he is in love with her and she's very happy to hear this. In fact, Becca is in love with him too but she can't say it. They kiss a whole lot and obviously gets the date rose.

The final date of the week is a 3-on-1 date with Wills, Jason, and Leo. Becca wants to keep it fun despite having to dump two dudes, so they play some volleyball but shirts stay on because this isn't Top Gun. Each guy gets a little alone time to sort of plead their case and reaffirm their feelings. Wills and Becca bond over their similar family bonds. Jason feels comfortable with Becca and doesn't let anything else distract him. Leo's a little more insecure because his lifestyle is so different and he knows he's behind the Becca-love-curve than the other guys. Becca agrees that they aren't far enough along to meet his family, so she cuts him on the beach and brings Wills and Jason to dinner. Onto an awkward dinner where Wills looks ready for an island adventure and Jason for a golf excursion. Where Becca feels Jason isn't as open about his feelings, Wills lets it all out about why he's falling in love with her. With only one rose to give, Becca extends the rose (and hometown date) to Jason. Becca tells Wills she couldn't bring his family isn't this when she knew her feelings didn't match his and at least we know he'll be a total star catch in Paradise - heck, maybe even The Bachelor if we are so blessed.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Virginia Is For Lovers and Losers

Week 6

"Virginia is for lovers!" exclaims Becca about her latest date location. Either they're running out of date locations or the city of Richmond's tourism board ponied up a lot of cash. Becca grabs tea with Chris Harrison to gossip about how excited she is and the love feelings that are developing. It should be a really fun week for Becca as her men AKA Chris and Lincoln are in full tantrum mode against each other.

Slicked hair Jason gets the first 1-on-1 date of the week, which starts as a fun tour around Richmond and frosting giant donuts. But suddenly they arrive at an Unhappy Hour which is the Edward Allen Poe date of your dreams. After literally giggling in the faces of the goth performers at this party, Becca brings Jason to a bar to meet up with his friends and he's totally smitten with this gesture. The feeling is mutual as Becca loves being around Jason and also the kissing is great, per Becca. If's off to their romantic dinner where Becca sees a lot in common, as both share the sad stories about their friends and the hardships faced by the families (her father passed away, his grandmother had Alzheimer's). This date really bonded the two and Becca gives Jason the date rose, then surprises him with a scenic smoochfest high in a clock tower.

The group date guys receive a tour of the Capital from George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, so cue Lincoln the contestant being even more annoying. After their history lesson, the men have to debate in Beccalection 2018 which is the second worse political campaign I can recall. While we all hoped maybe Garrett would get a question about political beliefs, instead it gives the chance for Chris to bring up his prior fight with Lincoln and his hatred of body shaming. Becca is humiliated that she has two childish duds like Chris and Lincoln still in the mix, treating this like a Festivus Airing of the Grievances, so she pulls each aside first at the night portion of the date to get a better understanding of both sides. The men are all super tired of this nonsense not to mention that it completely ruined Becca's night and guys who actually want to get to know her more. Becca takes a breather and then invests her time in guys she actually likes and who are genuinely falling for her.  The group date rose goes to Colton for always being there for her and treating her like a "princess." Wait, we don't hold elections for royalty.

Becca and Leo hop on onto a little plane with Leo to take in the views of Virginia in the fall, but she's not feeling the romance especially after being emotionally drained from the horrendous group date. Leo's a sympathetic ear and a good dude, letting Becca vent and speak freely about her problems with this experience. Feeling better, Becca and Leo pop into the Chesapeake Bay (I think) to shuck some oysters and kiss. At dinner, Becca thanks Leo for turning around her bad day and he thinks that's a vital part of being a partner to someone. Leo gets very real, very fast about feeling like he failed his father by not being good enough to play basebally professionally. Becca is very impressed by Leo's openness and gives him the rose then they head off to slow dance in front of a no-name recording artist in front of a crowd holding up cell phones. ROMANCE!

Back at the hotel, Chris is still the center of all the drama. The guys think he's volatile and are uneasy around him; it's not a great situation. Chrits throws on his camel-colored pea coat and heads to Becca's hotel to bother her AGAIN. Chris is very insistent on his feelings for Becca and thinking he could see marrying her at the end, but she questions this statement given the last week. Becca's heard a lot, seen a lot, and felt a lot and it's not positive so she lets him go. BUH BYE.

The cuts keep coming as Becca forgoes the cocktail party to head right into the Rose Ceremony to eliminate two more and follow her heart. Becca gives her three roses to Garrett, Blake, and Wills, which sends home Connor and  Lincoln (FINALLY).

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Vegas Becca, Vegas!

Week 5 

Becca and her fellas arrive in Sin City for their latest stop on the We Hate Arie Tour. The guys bask in the amazing view of their Aria suite and I hope they like it because outside of their dates, it’s the only thing they’ll see of Vegas. 

Becca’s first date of the week is a 1-on-1 date with Colton to “get over the jumps of their past relationships” by riding camels. Not everything needs a terrible metaphor because camels are cool on their own. The camels don’t want to let Becca and Colton hold hands because my guess is they have psychic energy and know Colton’s true heart lies with Bachelor in Paradise. They unwind in a hot tub placed in the middle of the desert before fast forwarding to being gussied up for their nighttime dinner. Colton opens up about a past relationship that isn’t Tia and warns Becca he takes love and saying “I love you” very seriously. But of course Becca has the magical ability to help him break down his walls and she gives him a date rose. They depart for sightseeing and smooching on a double decker bus down the Vegas strip, complete with a “Kiss her!” billboard - exactly what romantic dreams are made of. And despite his long ramblings of the seriousness of love, Colton tells the camera he’s falling in love with Becca. Sure.

The group date men get the most Vegas experience one could have outside of performing with a silky white tiger or losing $100 in ten minutes in casino WAR: a day at Wayne Newton’s house. Wayne is tan as ever and a generous host (or a man working on a second income) and gives the guys a tour around his vast estate, Shenandoah. But a tour isn't the only part of the date, as Wayne requests the men write songs about Becca. Dude, Wayne... we did this already with Richard Marx except he didn’t have peacocks sauntering around. But writing isn’t enough so the guys are put in tuxes and forced to perform their “Dankeshein” tributes in front of an audience. After shattering glasses with their voices, Becca and the men have cocktails at Hyde Lounge at the T-Mobile Arena because being around civilization is a no-no. Becca has solo time with nearly all the guys, even getting a big declaration from Blake: he’s falling in love with her, like for real. I say nearly because Becca gives the date rose to Blake and wraps up the night before time with Chris. Chris is pissed and wants to quit because in his mind getting a producer-chosen 1-on-1 date and hyping the audience is what makes you a front runner. Whatever guy, it's not about you.

With tension brewing for week, it's no shocker when model Jordan and fell-off-the-bed David are selected for the 2-on-1 Thunderdome date. A canopy bed is placed in the middle of the Valley of Fire either for a bizarre threesome or a place for Becca to take a nap after losing energy talking to the two bickering men. David immediately throws Jordan under the bus to Becca about him being the wrong guy who's more into random casino chicks. Jordan denies all of David's accusations and insists he is honest with Becca about everything, opening up high tough childhood. Jordan heads back to the bed to pop off on David until Becca returns to tell them both they're petty and frustrating. Becca dumps David immediately on the 2-on-1 date, leaving him on the bed to ponder everything. She continues the night portion of the date with Jordan because I guess they couldn't cancel the reservation without loosing the down payment, so Becca tolerates a few more hours with Jordan and hearing about his model lifestyle, so she cuts him. But hey, she called him "unique" and that's all that matters to him.

There's ten men left and they're ready to woo Becca a little more at the cocktail party to survive to the next exotic destination (spoiler alert: it's Richmond, Virginia). Becca confronts Chris about his threats to quit, to which he says if he wanted to quit her would've. Becca reminds him that he didn't take the initiative to pull her aside on the group date and is frustrated with him so she walks away. Chris decides he won't walk away and tries to interrupt; Becca gives it a hard pass, but Wills gives Chris exactly two minutes and then asks Chris to leave so he can have his time. Now THAT'S initiative. Now Chris has something new to whine about and the guys aren't sympathetic to Chris' desire for more time. Chris continues to beat the dead horse for awhile and TBH I stopped paying attention, but I guess it pays off because Chris receives the final rose of the evening and some guy named John gets cut.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Lumberjerks

Week 4

Picking up after the Clay leaving To Be Continued, the cocktail party continues where Becca tolerates this group of duds. Becca bonds with Blake over their ideal kid count and she gifts Jordan a pair gold lamay booty shorts (which I'm sure he'll wear upon arrival to a likely stint on Bachelor in Paradise). The true charmer of the evening is David, who gets his rose pre-ceremony, who has returned with a broken nose and bruised face from his brutal bunk bed fall. Onto the Rose Ceremony where Becca eliminates two dudes whose names I don't know nor does the show care to show on the way out. Oh well! Next stop: Park City, Utah!

Becca's first date in Park City is a 1-on-1 with Garrett and she's already jumping and wrapping her legs around him. What starts as a boring meander-around-town date turns into the pair going bobsledding. Becca already trusts Garrett so much and could see him being the one at the end. Garrett opens up about his past relationship which includes him getting married and divorced 2 months after that because she was emotionally abusive to him - at least that's his side of the story. This makes Becca wonder if perhaps Garrett would feel too much pressure should he get to the end, but he reiterates that he's very much here for Becca. Becca's really into Garrett and he gets the date rose before heading to a concert date where they slow dance in front of a crowd.

The group date guys, including Flat Earther Lincoln, meet Becca out in the beauty of nature for Becca's Lumberjack Bash competition. It's amazing that this show trusts these dudes to throw axes only at targets. After a relay of log rolling, flipping, sawing, and scaling a 30 foot pole, some guy named John wins the Golden Lumberjack. Despite Becca's request to keep on their flannels, the guys change their clothes for their nighttime cocktail date. Becca forgot Jason's name last week, but she remembers him now due to his status as a good kisser. Jordan wears his gold lamay shorts under his pants and then wears them for the night which is the biggest "not here for the right reasons" indicator and Colton confronts Jordan about being a clown. Jean Blanc gifts Becca with a personal fragrance called "Miss Becca Blanc" and says he's already falling in love with her. Becca is taken aback (crickets!) and not reciprocating that feeling at all, so she lets him go. When Jean Blanc asks for the fragrance back, he then admits doesn't feel that strong and was saying what he thought she wanted to hear, then backtrack . BOY BYE. Becca returns distressed and decides to not hand out a date rose.

Becca's all geared up for her 1-on-1 date with Wills but still totally shaken by Jean Blanc's bullshit. But she's not going to let some douche hold her down and the rush of snowmobiling turns that frown upside down. They take a break to snuggle and sip champagne at a scenic overlook and Wills is really understanding about her situation and wants to make her happy. This is everything Becca needed. On the night portion of the date, Wills opens up about his past heartbreak from the woman he thought was his "one". Becca understands the feeling and it brings them closer, so she gives him the date rose. Then they kiss on a cobblestone wall.

Chris Harrison rolls up to the dude's cabin in the daytime to let them know there's no cocktail party tonight because Becca's already made up her mind. Panic mode, commence! Becca hands out her roses and gone this week is Christon the Harlem Globetrotter and Nick who wore a track suit to the previous Rose Ceremony. Gone and already forgotten.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: 4,000 Matches and Two Injuries

Week 3

Becca brings a big group of her Bachelor season besties to get pampered by all her men. It's bizarre to watch since odds are none of these dudes are Becca's fiance and chances are higher that these guys hook up with her five pals on Paradise. Colton panics when he sees his ex Tia there, and Tia explains to Becca that her and Colton only kissed and never had an established relationship. Becca still needs to know if Colton applied to this show expecting Tia to be the lead, but Colton assures Becca he's there for her and feels things so he gets the group date rose. But that's not the only drama as David tells Becca that Jordan might not be there for the the right reasons. Jordan also holds as astounding record of 4,000 Tinder matches in a year (insisting it's 100% match rate) and if that doesn't say here for the right reasons, I don't know what does. 

A leather-clad Becca brings Chris on their 1-on-1 to Capitol Records to write their love song. Thankfully they have the sage mentorship of "Right Here Waiting" singer Richard Marx. Becca urges Chris to be more vulnerable and this translates into the two of them very boringly reciting their song lyrics, which is rewarded by a Richard Marx slow clap. At dinner, Becca checks on why it was hard for Chris to open up and he shares that expressing himself so much for the chance of being let down is hard. Oh and sad home life. Becca appreciates that Chris pushed hard to open up and really shared a lot with her, so she gives him the date rose and then Richard Marx serenades them with "Right Here Waiting" because he had one job. Nailed it, Richard!

Meanwhile, back at the mansion EMTs come and take David away, blood all over the floor. Chris Harrison heads to Becca's rental home to let her know about the incident and that David ended up in intensive care after falling out of his bunk bed and landing on his face. But he's OK and the show must go on!

The group date guys warm up with some drills led by the Legends Football League AKA badass female football players, then play a real game with the ol' pigskin. The Becca Bowl ends in a tie and Clay the actual NFL player getting a trip to the ER with a wrist injury. At night they have drinks in an antique store, you know like we all do. Blake becomes that guy who gets attached early and can't handle her dating other guys, going so far as calling Becca his girlfriend already (she likes this). Clay shows up late with a sling and gets some smoochin' and even better: a rose. Tuck it into the sling for the ultimate accessory!

Becca's got a few crushes and connections going on with all her men, which is a much better standing than last week's mess. But bad news: Clay chooses to leave the show for immediate surgery on his arm, forgoing his chance at love with Becca to ensure he'll still be able to have a job playing football after this. Tis a sad ending. Sorta.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Turn Down for What

Week 2

Becca's official televised first date as the Bachelorette has the guys getting pampered and suited up. But alas it's not just about looking pretty and doing corny modeling poses (JORDAN). They're going to run the Grooms Day relay, hosted by former Bachelorette Rachel and her fiance Brian. It's like Double Dare meets wedding puns, like running with a ball and chain or taking the plunge. Lincoln does whatever it takes to make it down the altar to Becca first including possibly cheating and shoving a guy, but he gets a little kiss and a portrait. The guys resent Lincoln and think he's fake, so when Lincoln starts bragging about the wedding portrait that got printed at CVS, it sets Connor and he throws it on the floor, then out the window. Lincoln immediately tells Becca about what happens and believes physically threatened and has no respect. Becca pulls Connor aside about his behavior and he apologizes for being a little extreme. Oh but some actual connecting happened with Becca and she gives the group date rose to Jean Blanc.

For her first 1-on-1 date of the season, the show reminds us again that Becca was formerly engaged and therefore has bad memories. Becca and Blake get some sledgehammers and got to smash TVs playing her proposal on loop, champagne glasses, a racecar, and lots of other stuff to get the rage out while Lil' Jon performs "Turn Down for What". I'm taking a bold stance: this is the best date in the entire franchise's history. While some interns spend the night sweeping up broken glass and leaving cracked TVs on the curb for trash day, Becca and Blake head to The Warwick for a romantic dinner. Blake opens up about a relationship where he said I love you and was very excited but saw texts on her phone days later of her friends asking if she broke up with him - ouch. What Becca likes is that Blake wants to get to know her and not know The Bachelorette. Becca gives him the date rose and they smooch a bunch.

For the last group date date this week, Becca brings the guys to a loal gymnasium to get trained in dodgeball by some sassy child actors (I see you, kid from The Toy Box). But this is a warm-up for the big event: a dodgeball championship at the indoor trampoline park. The Green Frogs easily defeat the pink team, so bad that I don't even know the team's name. Afterwards, they head for drinks and stealing Becca's time at The Four Seasons. .Colton has a secret he has to get off his chest and reveals he used to date former Arie ex-girlfriend, Tia. Becca's shaken and worried Colton came on the show for the chance to date Tia, not her. Wills ends up getting the group date rose after some great bonding over his parent's 50th anniversary.

It's only week 2 and Becca's stressed by the drama of all her men and the lack of trust she's feeling so early. Clay tries to lighten Becca's mood with touchdown dances and Connor brings a CVS-printed photo of himself for Becca to throw into the pool and get rid of bad Connor. Jordan the Male Model strips down to his undies to get attention and just comes off even sadder than you can imagine. Blake finds it disrespectful to roll up to a cocktail party in his underwear and yes this is a real argument happening. Colton reassures Becca he's here to get to know her, but she admits she's going to be more guarded with him for the time being. Despite her reluctance, Becca gives Colton a rose. Leaving this week are Alex (who?), Rickey (who?), and some other guy who I truly cannot even identify on the cast page.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Becca Starts the Damn Thing

Week 1

Oh another season of reality TV love! After watching Becca Kufrin get dumped by her fiance Arie whatever-his-last-name-is for a solid hour, Becca is still totally cool with this show and is back to find a fiance again. Trust the devil you know? As they do every single season now, Becca gets inducted into the sorority of leads by former Bachelorettes that are still engaged, including Rachel setting off the smoke alarm from using sage to rid the house of all of Arie's demon energy. After toasting with Becca's stuck-with-forever-catchphrase of "Let's do the damn thing!", Becca gowns up in a gorgeous white dress that looks like it's covered in pearls and heads to the slicked up driveway to meet her suitors.

The limos begin rolling up and while I could list then all, let's just call out the interesting ones because no one wants to read that much. Colton is the first out and brings some confetti poppers to kick off the evening. There's also one too many "damn thing" entrances and my god, make it stop already. The Arie disses are front and center, with Nick showing up in a racecar uniform and removing in and Mike bringing a cardboard cutout of her ex. Blake shows up on a bull this time (he rode a horse to meet Becca on After the Final Rose). Unique transportation of the night also includes Garrett who pulls up in a minivan and Trent who hops out of a hearse. David dresses as a chicken and says "Bec-KAW!" and... yup. Chris arrives in a limo all alone because every other seat is occupied by a twelve-person choir. All in all, some pretty fun entrances and nothing TOO lame.

27 men in their fanciest blazers (plus 1 in a chicken suit) listen to Becca's kickoff speech but are secretly ready to pounce and make their presence known. This includes a lot of props and gags like poems, back massagers, slam dunks, and bracelets. But Becca bonds best with the genuine conversations. But here's the drama: Chris knows Chase's ex-girlfriend, who texted to say Chase is not on the show for the right reasons. Chase comes clean to Becca that it was just a girl he was talking to for a month and hopes this won't affect his chances. Becca starts pondering who is there for the right reasons and sends home Jake right away, because they've actually met a couple of times before in real life, he never expressed interest before, and she's not interested currently. Minus some very minor speedbumps, Becca finds some good connection and gives her first impression rose to minivan Garrett - and they kiss. Will the first impression rose tradition continue and lead to Garrett being Becca's last man standing?

At the first Rose Ceremony, Becca hands out so many roses that I barely paid attention because it's all about who doesn't get a rose. Heading home roseless on night one is Chase and his text, my #1 pick grocery store Joe, "social media participant" Kamil who was awful, and other people. Well this should be an interesting season for sure.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Rachel Finds Her Forever

Week 10 - Finale

Before kicking off the three hour finale, Chris Harrison brings Rachel out at the live audience viewing and gets to give commentary.

Last time we saw Rachel and Peter, they were at an emotional standstill over Rachel wanting a proposal and Peter unsure he's ready for that big step. Rachel says her feelings for Peter are very deep, hence her emotional reaction. Peter hopes this whole proposal thing isn't what holds them back. Rachel and Peter accept the Fantasy Suite key as an important time to talk out their issues while sitting on a janky daybed. But they awake all smiles and popping out of dual windows and making breakfast together. Rachel feels their alone time helped their relationship but is also worried about this potential no-proposal thing. I'll tell you that I'm just tired hearing about it, so it must be exhausting living it.

Bryan and Rachel meet up for the last Fantasy Suite date where they explore vineyards again, but this time on horses so it's totally different. Rachel's trying to pay attention to Bryan and the gorgeous scenic overlook, but she's got Peter on the brain and Bryan can tell she's distracted. At dinner, Bryan calls out the weird vibe and asks how she's feeling about everything. Rachel apologizes for her distraction taking away from their time together. They accept the Fantasy Suite card for a hotel room that's attempting to be modern but kinda reminds me of 90's "modern" style. Cue some passionate kissing and Bryan getting up to shut the door that already has a "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging on the handle.

It's time for the last official group Rose Ceremony and Rachel's got a lot of her mind to eliminate someone at this stage, the same place she was eliminated in Nick's season. Rachel says she wants a proposal not a boyfriend, so that's one for heavy hint to Peter... then the Rose Ceremony begins. Rachel gives the first rose to Bryan and then has to make a difficult choice. Eric has said "I love you" but Rachel is concerned he's not ready; Peter seems ready but still hasn't said "I love you." And so Rachel gives her rose to Peter and eliminates wonderful Eric. Eric looks gobsmacked and heartbroken, but he thanks her for being open and making him better. He says he'll always love her and Rachel for the first time wonders if she made a mistake.

In a total break from standard finale format, Eric is brought out onstage to talk to Rachel right after their breakup aired. Yes people, we've been duped in watching After the Final Rose in a slow painful way! It's the first time Rachel and Eric have seen each other since May and in that time Eric has grown a very handsome beard. Eric was surprised to be dumped after she said she was falling in love with him, which sounds just like Dean's story. Rachel did feel love for Eric, but the feelings with the other two men were stronger. Eric was ready to propose to Rachel, and while it didn't work out for them, it's allowed him to grow up and be ready to let love happen to him again. 

Rachel has her last dates which each of the two men. First up is Bryan, where they smooch high in the clouds on a hot air balloon. Later Rachel confides that him being constant this whole time scares her a bit, used to being a fixer. He insists it'd be a mistake if she didn't pick him and he'd be devastated. For his craft project gift of love, Bryan gifts Rachel with a Spanish language dictionary with a cheat card at the beginning with important phrases to know and I admit, good gift. 

Going into her final date with Peter, Rachel is still concerned that she's going into the finale with a guy unsure about proposing. But when they're together, she forgets that stuff and is in the moment of romance (while exploring/being lectured in a monastery). Once the monk stops talking, it's back to them discussing their commitment problem. Peter admits he's in love but it's new a recent, and he's not sure he can ask Rachel to marry him tomorrow... but he's not ready to stop being with her. Rachel can't understand why he talks about and fantasizes their future, but can't fact that reality in this moment. Rachel fears her past will repeat itself and won't lead to the marriage and family she wants. But when Peter asks if she wants to spend the rest of her life with him, she says "I can't answer that question." Peter thinks Rachel is his right person, but this isn't the right time - he's willing to propose if it means not losing her. This conversation goes on and on and it's painful to watch. They depart by exchanging "I love yous" and more discussion of the pressure of this whole process. 

So apparently that night at the hotel was the last time Rachel and Peter saw each other. Never officially breaking up, but broken up. It's super awkward and Rachel explains again that he was all talk about the future, but no action of those plans (AKA proposal). Peter couldn't understand what was wrong with him to not get to that point faster, however wishes he could've been less in his head. But Rachel said there were other flags besides the proposal that caused issues. Peter apologizes for saying she would be settling if she didn't pick him. "Frustration" is the big word of this segment. Peter says there are still feelings but he wouldn't change how that night went (including not cleaning up Rachel's cried-off eyelashes on the floor). Rachel basically says this show wasn't for him. He wishes her nothing but the best and she wishes the same.

Oh hey, remember Bryan? Let's go back to the big proposal day. Neil Lane visits Bryan to pick out a ring, which is a hot second of air time before showing off a pear-cut halo ring as his choice. Rachel is still reeling a bit from the Peter breakup, while also pondering if what he said was right: is she rushing into a proposal? Bryan arrives and says his first night words to Rachel, standing there shimmering in silver as the wind loudly hits the mics. Bryan gives his passionate speech about all his love for Rachel, and she talks about trying to find the cracks in his "perfect" facade but it challenged her and says she sees her forever when she looks at him. She squeals in delight at the proposal and says yes. And of course Bryan, recipient of the first rose, also accepts the last rose of the season. They loudly kiss again.

Rachel and Bryan are reunited onstage and Bryan proposes again. Rachel is so happy to be able to be open about their love and I'm very happy for Rachel. Listen, I'm no Bryan fan but I typically dislike all the choices on The Bachelorette. Check my track record! Hey editors, maybe start giving the winners better edits! But we all love Rachel and want her happy, so let's hope her seeing forever with Bryan pans out.

Thanks for reading my recaps another season and see you for Paradise!

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Rachel's Men Tell All

Week 9 - Men Tell All

After filling 10 minutes with a best of the Men Tell All segment, the men of Rachel's season are brought out to the stage. Whaboom vs. Lucas is briefly touched upon before moving on to Demario and his "side chick" back home (his words, not mine) and Iggy being a snitch. Dean gets called to the hot seat eventually, rocking a dapper purple camouflage dinner jacket. Dean is very appreciative that his father accepted to call to allow a hometown date and this also allowed him to address his repressed feelings. Dean genuinely felt like he was falling in love with Rachel, but now is ready to move on and to which he will/did in Mexico... ooooon Paradise!

The biggest drama of the season is Kenny and Lee, which impacted the vibe of the house and the experience of dating Rachel. Kenny felt their beef was never racial, just that Lee was "a dude out of his league." Kenny didn't appreciate Lee's putdowns or being labelled as aggressive since he's a father and wouldn't want do anything on this show that would shame his daughter. Kenny's daughter is very proud and joins him on stage, then gets very excited at the birthday surprise to send Kenny and his daughter to Disneyland. Lee admits he lied about being pulled from the van and apologizes for not being a better man. Lee goes on about seeing how he needs to change, especially when the men call out Lee being delighted about instigating conflict. Dean calls out Lee for never apologizing previously on social media before and saving it for this show. But Chris Harrison puts Lee the most on blast, sharing his sexist and racist tweets, to which Lee pulls the "I have a lot to learn" line again. Josiah runs up to join Lee and ask why he would be on The Bachelorette with a black lead when he had so many derogatory comments. Lee says he hates racism but the guys don't understand why he never apologized for his tweets, which he eventually does apologize for after a looooot of discussion. Lee admits needing to learn and the guys offer to help, wrapping in a Kenny/Lee hug.

Rachel is brought out to discuss her experience and face the questions of the men. Dean asks why Rachel would say she's falling in love with him then boot him days later. Rachel admits it's truly how she felt at the time. Rachel laughs about the Demario situation and that lying is a dealbreaker which is why he had to go. Rachel appreciates that race wasn't an issue while she was filming the season despite her status as the first African American Bachelorette. She admits being disappointed in Kenny letting the Lee drama overtake their potential connection. As for Lee, she hopes watching the show made him learn and if not she'll school him backstage. The unknown entities aka Adam and Matt weren't dragged by accident, they were victims of editing and Rachel hopes another woman will see how great they are. Frederick feels he never was given a fair chance because of knowing each other as kids but still respects her. And with that cathartic release, it's time for BLOOPERS!!

The Men Tell All ends with a recap of Rachel's final three with no sneak peek - lame! Who are you hoping will win? For me: anyone but Bryan.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelorette: Family, Feelings, and 1 Fantasy Suite

Week 8

Before the final three can get to Fantasy Suites AKA the Bone Zone, they must face the biggest challenge yet: Rachel's family. But Rachel's dad the judge isn't there so that's a slightly less imposing force. 

Peter's up first and before meeting the family, he takes a big leap forward: the tells Rachel he's falling in love her and she says she's falling in love with him too! I'm excited because I love Peter. He meets the family and is very honest with his feelings, good and bad, but there's still a little bit of worry he might not be ready for a proposal. Rachel takes Eric up to Reunion Tower for a nice view of Dallas and he confides he's nervous due to limited experience meeting girlfriends' families. When Eric reveals he hadn't brought a girl home until Rachel and has never been in love, but Eric turns this red flag into a moment of sincerity and openness to love. And then there's Bryan. He gets a bonus of getting to meet her friends for brunch, where Rachel confesses his charm came off douchebaggy at first. Only at first? While brunch was a success, the family visit isn't a homerun. There's a sense he's a charmer with all the answers and none of the sincerity. Rachel doesn't love the energy her family is putting out and chastises them for not embracing him the way they did Peter and Eric. Hearing "love" this quickly throws mom off and Rachel defends her feelings.

With meeting the family behind them, Rachel and her final three depart Dallas and make their way to "the northern region" of Spain for the overnight dates.

Rachel and Eric soar over La Rioja, Spain in a helicopter, the ways true Bachelorette franchise ballers travel. They get off the helicopter to sip champagne and chat with an extraordinary view and then ring a bell to make a wish. Onto the romantic night portion of the date of sipping red wine and staying bundled up in their pea coats because it's cold. Eric is super vulnerable at this date, talking about how Rachel pushes him and nothing else matters without her. Eric tells Rachel he's in love with her, the first time he's ever said it and it's such a genuine moment of happiness. Rachel is so relieved to finally know how Eric fully feels. Rachel and Eric accept the Fantasy Suite key and walk to the hotel that's conveniently like 100 feet away for a night of champagne and off-camera romance... until the morning after pajama shot.

Date #2 sends Rachel and Peter off to a vineyard to be serenaded by a winemaker in Spanish and not know the majority of what he's singing. Buy, hey, free wine locker just for these two! Rachel and Peter recap meeting her family, and explains that he didn't ask for a marriage blessing but a dating blessing. They're interrupted by a little girl who ends up coercing them to stop this conversation and instead squish grapes with their feet. But back to the important conversation but skip ahead hours later to the night portion of the date. Peter has Rachel sign their wine cork from the day as part of a family tradition, then it's onto the deeper stuff. Rachel didn't come on this show to find a boyfriend and doesn't think the proposal isn't this 100% we're married right away thing. Peter's belief of engagement is marriage, hoping to only propose to one woman ever and marry her. "Somebody's gotta bend," Rachel says about if they're together at the end of this. They're both not sure what to say or do at this point, leaving Rachel speechless and teary-eyed. Could Peter and Rachel officially be over? Well find out next week!

[All images credited to ABC]

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