Reality Rundown: Cock Alliance Loses Main Dick

The Amazing Race • Survivor: One World • Finale! Top Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - Teams drive to Cafayte Town Square which means... equalizer. In the morning they mob a poor man on horseback to retrieve their first clue: a detour. The teams have the choice of assembling a solar kitchen to boil water or gather firewood and clay and deliver to a shop. Most teams opt to boil water but the Border Patrol dudes opt to grab wood, getting lost in the process. Bopper and Mark, the redneck ebony and ivory best friends, have sons so they are masters of Legos and quickly assemble the solar panel, but the boiling takes a while for them (and all teams). Art and JJ (Border Patrol guys) may have gotten lost, but the task allows them to catch up and pass the teams by a lot.

Teams then travel by bus for 18 freakin' hours to Buenos Aires and I'm jammin' to the Evita song in my head. The teams end up on three buses and as we're getting a jaunty drive montage the show cuts to black and them a slam noise. Bus #2 was in an accident, smashing windows and all. Bus #2 is some dating couple, the twin bros, the married clowns, and the Jersey guys; suddenly this bus is in the back of the pack.

The clue in Buenos Aires is a "Where's the beef?" Roadblock to calculate cattle total while an auction is going on. WTF?? This challenge sucks. Non-BB Rachel (the married one) and Border Patrol JJ work together to solve the math and guess the correct weight and get the hell out of the dumb task. Big Brother Rachel starts to get stressed. The Border Patrol explains that they wouldn't help Brenchel because their team is perceived as tag-alongs that follow what everyone else does instead of figuring it out themselves. Mark of the best friends help her with the answer. Brenchel's cab takes off because Rachel asked for a delay or something, leading to her having one of her trademark annoying breakdowns.

El Gomero, a big ass tree, is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. Married couple Dave and Rachel check in as team #1 again and win a trip to Granada. All the other teams are checking into the Pit Stop as the final bus is pulling into Buenos Aires. Phil uses the bus breakdown to tease the two women teams originally on the final bus. Not too surprising as I figured they'd be out early, the clowns are eliminated.

Survivor: One World - A storm's a-comin' and that's not some metaphor for tribal chaos. The men extend the women an invitation to stay in their shelter but the women decide to tough it out. Enjoy a sleepless, freezing, ladies! The men are the total opposite: dry and they still have fire. The women cave and cuddle by the fire in the morning to warm up and dry off. Turns out the jock a-hole guys (aka Matt) doesn't want the women honing in on their shelter.

Reward challenge separate from immunity challenge- woo! It's a memory task to look at a series of objects and then recreate it. The prize is fishing supplies and a canoe, an excellent prize for survival purposes. This is the challenge I plat along with at home, shouting the patterns to prove I am fantastic at memory. Hey, it's the only challenges I'd ace if I were there. In terms of pathetic, Troyzan vs. Kat is completely embarrassing as neither can remember anything. It takes SEVEN tries until Kat wins. At last, the Salani women win a challenge and perhaps this will give them the momentum into the immunity challenge they need to not lose another member.

The storm starts up again when the women try to get their shelter up. Kat and Monica ask the men for an ember and while there's some pushback from Matt, they give it up. The men are willing to help but only if they are getting stuff in return. The women keep popping up to dry by their fire and the men are ready to tell them to GTFO and tough it up after being denied the ability to use the canoe. When the sun comes out the women decide to become self-sufficient and fish. Well without fire it'll be sushi but whatevs.

Immunity challenge! Everyone will be blindfolded except a caller who will direct them through an obstacle course to collect puzzle pieces. The caller will them assemble the puzzle pieces. Yup, return of the damn puzzles. The callers are Sabrina for Salani caller and Bill for Manono. Sabrina's calling skills are not so great, while Ben is right on in his directions. The men retrieve all their puzzle pieces first, giving him a big lead over the women who only have three bags at this point. Bill takes his time with the puzzle due to his lead and finally the women get together their pieces. The puzzle is this really intricate cool tree puzzle so I give them kudos for not picking the same dumb puzzle as every year. Sabrina's teammates help her out (particularly Kim) and begins to catch up to Bill. It's a nail-biter and in a big shocker, Salani wins! Girl power!

Now it's time for the men to tear each other apart. Colton hates Bill for blowing the lead and being annoying. Colton can be annoying but Bill does say "brah" and "bro" so he kinda has a point. Until he calls Bill "ghetto trash." Um yeah, not cool bro! Colton makes sure to convene with his alliance to try to get Bill out this week. Tarzan is like uhhh we should get rid of Matt the dick. Jay comes over to eavesdrop and with his back against the wall, opts for vote with the five. Matt pulls Troy aside to try to make maybe another deeper alliance that takes out Colton tonight. Troyzan ain't biting at Matt's alliance of all the "roosters." That's right, cause you're a cock!

Tribal time! The men get the fire is life speech, always a favorite moment of mine. Right away Colton blurts out at Tribal that he has an immunity idol and that he will play it tonight. Jeff tries to make Colton realize that him fraternizing with the women's tribe is making him a bigger target. Bill makes an accurate assessment which is that while Colton felt like they pre-judged him, Colton are pre-judged his tribe. Matt uses more stupid bird metaphors to basically say he doesn't like Tarzan. Meanwhile, no one likes Matt cause he's a dick. So glad I went against my alpha-male-for-the-win pre-season pick strategy. Bill, well he's just happy to be there.

Finale! Top Chef: Texas - I have never wanted a season of Top Chef to end so much in my life. This has been by far the worst season ever. First: unbearably long. Second: horrible chefs. Third: horrible challenges. I know Tim Riggin said "Texas forever" but I'm ready to ignore it for a long time. Onto the finale.

The final task is no frills, no dumb fucking Texas theme: create a four course tasting meal and the restaurant of your dreams. Like a mini Restaurant Wars. For the usual sous chefs, it is actually a competition between this season's rejects and two legit master chefs. This is to fill the time of an otherwise boring finale. The losers have 45 minutes to prepare a dish and then Paul and Sarah taste them all and pick their three favorites. Paul's team is master chef Barbara Lynch, Ty-Lor, handsome Chris, and Keith. Sarah's team is Nyesha, Tyler (the annoying audition episode dick), Heather, and Grayson. Must suck to be the master chef who didn't get picked but he can get his revenge by being an asshole at the final meal. Speaking of being a dick, Tyler is horrible for Sarah and obviously wants to shine on the team rather than help Sarah with a win. Paul and Sarah also get a chance to sit down with a glass of wine and tell their menus to Tom and Emeril and get some tips.

Paul's restaurant is Qi is Asian dishes and has no meat courses, though he has two fish courses. First course is chawanmushi, edamame, pea shoots and spot prawns. Chawanmushi sounds like that Alan Jackson song. Next course is grilled sea bass with clam dashi, pickled radishes and mushrooms. Third course is congee with scrambled eggs, uni, kale and smoke albacore. The texture was weird and the dish not as interesting as the first two. Paul's final dish, dessert, is a liquid nitrogen coconut ice cream with puffed rice, kumquats, mangosteen, Thai chili foam and a jasmin gelee. The foam is spicy and the rice is a nice constrast; it's a bold dish. One judge calls it a "sexy meal." Paul runs out of eggs which isn't a good thing she he has two egg dishes.

Sarah names her restaurant Monte Verde and looking at the menu appears to be maybe Spanish or Italian food? First course is a squid ink tagliatelle, spot prawns and fresh coconut. Second course is rye crusted steelhead trout with a fennel sauce, pickled beets and gras pista. The judges note that the beets are undercooked but the rye crust is great. Sarah's third course is what she considers her riskiest: braised veal cheek with crispy veal sweetbreads. Padma calls is "luscious" though Sarah is upset with the texture of the polenta first time around so modifies it for the next judges. The meal concludes with a hazelnut cake with kumquat and roasted white chocolate ganache. The dessert is considered the best of them all, wowing the judges and diners. However in her second round of judging, a diner calls her aside and warns her that her fish might have bones in it, stirring a panic because a bone is a game-ender.

Tom said that this is probably the best finale food they've ever had. I guess this terrible season has one thing going for it then. The judges break down the dishes course by course and it really is even. Sarah's main faults are the polenta in the first group of judges and the pickled beets. Padma, who hates white chocolate, praises Sarah's dessert as the best the show has ever had. Paul's spot prawns were overcooked at the second judging but Paul knew it was bad. His congee is praised for showing "great confidence" but some have squabbles about the dish so it's mixed opinions. Tom doesn't like sweet desserts so he loved Paul's dessert. Both meals were pretty impeccable and if it weren't obvious Paul wasn't going to win all season, it would be a pretty unpredictable event. The judges deliberate and call Sarah and Paul back into the room. Paul is named Top Chef. The season finally ends! Well sorta since there's a reunion that I won't be watching next week.

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Reality Rundown: I Quit This Bitch: Biggest Loser Edition

New! The Amazing Race • I'M DONE The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: One World • Top Chef: Texas

New! The Amazing Race - The 20th season kicks off by including polarizing Big Brother couple Brendon and Rachel, married clowns, federal agents, twins, some gorilla juicehead guidos, and obviously more but I can't type them all. Phil leads all the teams of a bike ride before starting the race officially, and it's nice to see his personal biking passion incorporated into the show. The bikes miraculously disappear and wardrobes are changed and the teams are on a green, grassy hill ready to win the race. First clue on the race must be retrieved from a bunch of floating red and yellow balloons. The clue tells the teams to travel to LAX to try and get the best flights to Santa Barbara, Argentina. Too bad- was hoping for a psych-out where they just travel around the US via plane a lot. The first six teams that get on flight #1 have a major time advantage, putting the other 5 teams hours behind them.

In Argentina, the first task is a road block for one person to sky dive while the other person has to find them by driving around their car. Definitely an awesome first task for the person who gets to skydive. After the plunge, teams have make to empanadas to retrieve the clue to the Pit Stop. They have to make cheese and meat versions which require different folding. Let's see how many don't notice that tidbit. I must say, I can't think of a more exhilarating follow-up that falling from the sky than making empanadas.

Team #1 are married couple/military husband Rachel and Dave and they win the Express Pass, which will let them skip a task down the line. They are followed by Brendon and Rachel who are just minutes behind them.

The sisters, who pulled their car into sand, a kinda trapped. Thankfully a stranger pulls over to help them and not murder them, but maybe that's because there's a camera crew. Then they make a stupid mistake of leaving behind their bags at the empanada challenge. So they get their bags and are like 100ft away from Phil and the obvious camera crew but don't see him and turn around. This gives the Jersey boys a chance to sweep in and send the two sisters back home. Stupid sisters.

I'M DONE The Biggest Loser - The house gathers with a cake they can't eat for Mark's birthday so there's obviously more. Ali brings the losers to a temptation challenge of all their favorite foods like mozzarella sticks, Reese's, and venison steak. RIP deer. Whoever eats the most gets to switch around the teams as much as they want but the best part is that it's totally anonymous. Five people ate but Daphne pigs out because she's probably fucked by the others. She wins the temptation with 1800 calories, but the others don't know that but deep down they do know. There is only one change: siblings Jeremy and Conda are switched with Jeremy to red, Conda to black. Everyone thinks this is a dumb move. Four people admit to eating junk but Daphne keeps silent eventhough it's so obvious it was her. The losers are way overreacting though but that's because it's not Conda and Jeremy's way.

For the challenge, the teams need to work together to solve a puzzle. The puzzle pieces are 200lbs so I guess they topped Survivor on this one. Since the black team has an extra person they have to sit someone else. Instead of discussing, Daphne jumps in saying she's sitting out. Older lady Chris sits out too. The red team wins the challenge and gets two weeks at the Biggest Loser Resort.

Conda and Jeremy adapt to their new trainers and workout styles. Conda cries. Daphne tells Bob that she did it and it was personal. The house is still speculating/trying to get Daphne to admit she did the swap. Bob comes to Daphne another time to get her to admit she ate the food and did the swap. All the work from the previous week to redeem her will be gone because of this. Bob just wants her to own up to it even if she weakened the black team. This chat gets Daphne to tell the losers the truth and it's a no shit moment for them all. Bob tells his black team to put it all behind them and focus on their wellness. Their main focus is probably throwing the weigh-in because all Daphne sees is her teammates eating a lot of bread.

Weigh-in time. Jeremy's first time on the scale with a red shirt brings an 11lb loss, which is great for him. The red team comes together to loser 43lbs (3.39%). The black team has to lose more than 54lbs to be safe and c'mon, start laughing now cause you know they're going to throw the weigh-in and it'll blow up in their face. Megan's poor acting skills at her low 2lb loss would be the first tip-off. Then Chism only loses 5lbs, Cassandra 1lb... Hey morons, if you want to throw a weigh-in you need to make sure that your target doesn't win Biggest Loser of the Week or it's all for naught. Bob lets his team know he gets what's going on and Daphne claims she ate the 1800 calories to keep Bob as a trainer. He points out what we're all thinking: well what the hell did you learn by eating 1800 calories? Jeremy explains he wasn't mad that Daphne ate, because she definitely needed to, but that she chose personal reasons rather than game. Then Conda starts yelling and then Dolvett gets real angry. "This is childish!" Ain't that the truth Dolvett. So Emily gets on the scale for just 2lbs and then Conda gains 1lb and she basically says yeah but something needed to be done for the toxic team. Daphne gets on the scale and... gains 2lbs. OH SHIT FOR REAL. Looks like Daphne intentionally put on weight to get away from the house of assholes.

Bob requests his team be kind for eliminations but I don't think he's had enough time to get to know Conda to know that's a dumb request. Daphne obviously is eliminated. Daphne has no regrets about the swapping the teams and sees that she defended her brother and got revenge. Conda drops the low blow when she says she doesn't hold grudges because she's a good mother, setting Daphne off, then getting the others to jump in. Daphne gets up and leave and all I can think is Conda is such a shit-stirrer.

Time for a Biggest Loser note from me: I hate this season so much. I can't go on. I persist in watching and I say "because I recap it." Then I realized I make $0 for blogging and do this just because I enjoy writing so I can recap and drop it as I please. Peace out stupid show and if you're looking for recaps, check out @Jeffrey__Scott's recaps.

Survivor: One World - The ladies of Salani return to camp and the men are disappointed they didn't have to lose another person. Christina and Alicia make amends but it seems one-sided because Alicia is still down with her alliance of five and doesn't trust Christina. The next morning the women sit by the campfire to regroup and Sabrina is named their leader, who hopes her role can get people to listen and also assigns camp tasks so everyone has a responsibility. Older lady Nina can't deal with the young'ns.

A ginormous box is at tree mail but it has to be opened in the presence of both tribues. The boxes contain knotted ropes with a ring in the middle which they need to get to. The tribe that completes this first wins a tarp; everyone gets to keep their rope and box, so everyone's a winner! But one is going to be a soaking wet loser. I like this idea of sort of ad-hoc mini challenges at camp sans Probst. The men of Manono undo the knots first and win the tarp. The men start revamping their shelter and getting some food except Colton who instead chooses to help the women build the women's shelter and annoy them. The women are tired of being bugged by him and suddenly Sabrina realizes she gave an immunity idol to the wrong horribly annoying person on the island.

Late at night at the men's camp, after Tarzan does a tribal dance in his underwear, Colton decides to make some men alliances. He tells Troyzan (not Tarzan) that he has a hidden immunity idol and they need to use it to take out a big dude, like Matt or Michael. Colton gets Troyzan, Tarzan, Jonas and Leif in his non-alpha male alliance and I give Colton credit for flipping this game on his tribe. I thought initially Sabrina made an awful move giving Colton the idol since it would show her cards, but now it really worked to her advantage and Colton's.

The immunity challenge is for the tribes to line up and traverse a balance beam, crossing in front of their tribemates. Leif is the first to get across the platform and the men seem to get the idea. Kat is really slow for the women and makes a lot of blunders, and then the team starts making errors. The men are holding steady and the women keep plopping into the water and getting hand penalties and Kat keeps jumping into the water for no reason except that she's dumb. The men completely slaughter the women in the challenge.

Time for the women to tear each other apart again and it is likely down to dumb Kat and old lady Nina. Kat's got the safety net of being in that girl alliance of five. The team discusses their challenge performance and Sabrina, the leader, loves her spirit but explains she needs to tone down her rah rah energy to listen to strategy. Nina and Monica know they will be picked off along with Christina soon enough and pitching Kat's elimination to the five is nearly impossible. Nina keeps calling them the "witless" tribe. Chelsea hears Nina's argument and discusses the possibility of Kat being voted out tonight with Kim, eventhough this would diminish the five alliance.

Tribal time. Jeff compares the tribe to six year olds and then makes a lot of sexist, condescending remarks. Nina explains it's a tribe of five vs. three and gives her prior cop background up and calls out Kat's lack of life experience. Nina doesn't think Kat is even very athletic since she's not too clever and can't hold up to pressure. Some women admit that if they could go back they might make different alliances. Jeff gets all therapistsy with Kat who admits sure, maybe she should be voted out, then throws Christina under the bus about her not being there for the right reasons. The tribe has spoken and Nina's torch is snuffed. Eventhough I don't care for Kat, I didn't like abrasive Nina either. Bye.

Top Chef: Texas - The longest season ever continues and it's still not the finale despite a final three. The three meet Padma and Emeril in Chinatown for the Quickfire. Into the kitchen comes three Top Chef Masters of the Asian culinary world and through a knife draw are partnered up. It's to make an Asian inspired dish in sort of a tag-team swap off with no discussion, like that awesome Supermarket Sweep Round Robin game. Everyone assumes Paul will win since he's Asian, but he in facts does not. Sarah wins $20,000 with pan-seared code with coconut curry and a crab salad.

Elimination challenge: create one dish and one cocktail for a "Fire and Ice" themed cocktail party. The winner of this challenge doesn't just go to the finale: they get a trip to Costa Rica. Paul's dish is king crab with lobster broth and lemon snow. His cocktail is called the "Pan Am" which is rum, kaffir lime and Thai chilies. Sarah prepares five greens chilled pasta with garlic, chili and spiced sformato. To wash it down, gin, kumquats and mango which is called "Agrumi." Lindsey, hell bent on proving to the judges she can cook halibut, makes it for I believe a third time with fiery celery root salad. Her drank is right up my alley: vodka, tomato and horseradish which is dubbed "Encendido" but I swear it's a Bloody Mary. Whatevs.

Judges' table. The judges like Paul's concept for the dish, broth, but don't like the arugula being there since it was unnecessary. Sarah's pasta is very well made but the mousse was overly frozen. Emeril loved the cocktail and wanted a pitcher of it. Lindsey's cocktail was bland on its own especially when it separated. There were also some cooking issues with some fish hot, some cold. Sarah and Paul proceed to the finale and Lindsey packs her knives and goes.

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Reality Rundown: Ghostride the Copter

The Biggest Loser • New! Survivor: One World • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - The losers and trainers meet Alison in the backyard around the pool with two box of chocolates in hand. This week, Bob and Dolvett will pick one person to send home this week but that person's weight will count for the entire team, but their trainer will be with them. So now the joy of home brings pressure. Dolvett picks Conda because he hates himself I guess. Bob picks Daphne, Adrian's sister. What a coincidence that this showdown at the weigh-in will be the two women who began the episode fighting. A coincidence indeed...

Conda and Daphne go home and are greeted with smiles and hugs. Then we get some emotional shit, like maybe why Conda is such a bitch and that Daphne has a heart condition. Plenty of hard workouts are had, like Bob making Daphne do a skyscraper stairs. Dolvett even babysits which is a much more interesting than anything this season.

Back at the ranch, everyone is trying to make-do of a trainer-free week. Chris uses this time to bitch about Bob betraying her and she needed him. I love them bitching about no trainer because in three months when the show ends life has no trainer. Good luck schmucks. The black team exercises but at half-power level. Santa Roy on the red team is walking around campus because he can't keep up with young'ns. The trainers might be gone but that doesn't mean the product placement stops so the nutritionist visits. There is also a challenge to win letters from home and a 1lb advantage by dragging a dummy while digging under logs. The red team wins maybe because some Cassandra on the black team is stuck under a log.

Conda and Daphne return with the trainers in tow for the weigh-in. The red team already has a 1lb advantage for Conda. The teams will weigh-in before Conda and Daphne because the team that loses the most gets a 1lb advantage as well. The black team weighs in and their lackluster effort shows on the scale for many losers. The black team loses a total of 33lbs (2.23%). Roy, who worried about keeping up, drops 9lbs leaving mouths agape. Bitchy Kim drops 9lbs too and this wins Conda the 1lb advantage, meaning Conda has a 2lb advantage against Daphne. So now it's time for the weigh-ins that matter to happen. Daphne gets on the scale first and loses 12lbs (5.08%), getting her a nice applause and maybe a teeny bit of respect. Conda has a 2lb advantage but still looks nervous because she has to lose more than 10lbs. After the scale ticks for what feels like five minutes, Conda drops 10lbs exactly which isn't enough. So the red team has to eliminate someone and since Santa Roy is the only person that got airtime this week, he is eliminated.

New!Survivor: One World - OW-OOOOOO! Welcome to another season of Survivor and it's the most excited I've been in years. No returning players, no Hantzs, no Redemption Island... life is good. If I wasn't already swooning over the season, Jeff comes in via HELICOPTER. H.R.E.A.M. The group is split into two tribes: men vs. women. I officially want to see a battle between one guy named Tarzan and the other named Troyzan. Before they head to camp the survivors get sixty seconds to get as much supplies as possible off the truck. Michael steals a bunch of the women's stuff; they are not happy.

This season, both tribes will live on the same beach but they don't know that yet. I expect shadiness and it will be ah-mah-zing. Both tribes trek through the jungle and immediately a five-girl alliance is one: Kim, Kat, Alicia, Chelsea, and Sabrina. The women and men arrive at the beach and realize that they'll be living on the same beach. It is not smiles abound. They try to work as a big team to catch some chickens, but Chelsea refuses to share the two she caught. Bird-phobic me turns a blind eye.

Colton quickly bonds with the women since he’s the sassy gay guy which is great... except he's on the men's tribe. The young, fit douchebag guys align and build fire. Things get dicey when the women want to barter to get fire, offering a chicken (declined) and then trying to steal fire a few times. A deal is a finally made for fire by Christina; Alicia doesn’t like Christina’s attempts to be in with the men. Sabrina finds a hidden immunity idol in a giant open, obvious tree. HOWEVER, the immunity idol she pulls is for the men's tribe and she has to give this idol to someone on the other tribe before the next Tribal Council.

First immunity challenge time! It's an obstacle course with a net jump, balance beam, and rope ladder. Kourtney, who I have targeted as first out, lands on her wrist while jumping onto the net. Kourtney is all dizzy from her wrist so Jeff stops the challenge and brings in medical. Kourtney needs an X-ray before her fate in the game can be decided so the challenge ends and the men are declared the winners but Jeff gives them the option of continuing the challenge and winning the fair way. They take the easy win, which also gives them a reward of fire. The women are upset the men take the immunity and it's kind of like a duh moment. If the tables were turned, despite their insistence they wouldn't have, they women would've taken immunity right away too. But it does create ill-will that will haunt them, for sure.

Post-challenge, Matt is still a dick. Alicia would like to get rid of Christina if she has the chance. Sabrina gives outside Colton the immunity idol because he is the swing vote on his tribe and Sabrina wants Colton to use this idol to make a power play to take out a strong douche-male. The women then convene how to proceed with tonight's Tribal Council and Kourtney's status. The ideal scenario is that Kourtney doesn't come back and they don't have to vote.

Tribal Council! Before telling the team Kourtney is obviously out, Probst does his stir-the-pot questioning. This unearths that Alicia thought Christina's fire deal was shady. Cat fight! Christina thinks the real deal was done and they have a better firepit than they would have made themselves. Some women are tense, some have the giggles. But of course, the news is Kourtney broke her wrist and is out of the game. No one is getting voted off and they get to keep their fire.

Top Chef: Texas - The final four ditch the shoved-down-our-throats Texas for the far colder Vancouver which I like to call The Couvs. The cheftestants have had time at home to learn from their mistakes and grow. What Sarah and Lindsay haven't learned: how to tolerate Bev.

The final four meet Tom and Padma at the top of a windy, snowy Wisp mountain to kick off the Culinary Games. Get it, like Olympics. Nope, doesn't work. There are three events and a $10,000 prize for each event won and then moves into the final around. Event #1: prepare a meal on a gondola while making a mid-way stop to pick up another ingredient. Sure this is a fun challenge but not for the finals. Let them just cook good food without gimmicks. Lindsay's salmon and quinoa wins, even with a potential not-enough-salmon speedbump.

Bev, Paul and Sarah compete in event #2: chip away at blocks of ice to get ingredients to make a dish. That dish must be made outdoors on a mountain. Is this a fucking Amazing Race Road Block? Ugh, dumb. Again, just let them cook. Paul wins the second spot in the finals and money with his poached King Crab in brown butter with toasted almonds, mango chutney and orange marmalade. Paul's winning is the best because it means Sarah has to go head-to-head against mortal enemy Bev, the winner of Last Chance Kitchen head-to-head battles. Muhahaha.

The final event for Bev and Sarah is to make the best dish they've ever made with no nonsense. Just kidding, it's a culinary biathalon that makes them cross-country ski and shoot to shoot ingredients. There's only 10 shots to hit the targets. There are a lot of falls on the slopes but I'm putting my money on Bev for the athleticism compared to Sarah. Both women end up hitting four targets for their ingredients. Bev makes a slow roasted arctic char with an onion and beef compote. Sarah's dish is braised rabbit paired with sauerkraut puree (bleckh). Sarah's rabbit was a little tough but they love the sauerkraut and the cherries. Bev's dish is praised for being seafood with a lot of earthy flavors, though Tom thinks the char wasn't seasoned enough. Beverly is told to pack her knives and go and Sarah's in the finale. I guess I'm routing for Paul to win?

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Reality Rundown: Stop Using Canned Ingredients, K Guys?

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - Adrian puts his foot in his mouth again by telling the black team that he didn't vote for Nancy. Bickering ensues again and Cassandra has no time to cry about her grandmother. Mark feels Adrian possibly threw the weigh-in to have bigger numbers this week when he isn't immune again. This show was once about changing lives. No it's about a house of assholes. It's like an MTV Challenge but fatter.

Speaking of challenges, this week's is to hold onto a rope to keep their trainer out of the water. The team that loses the challenge won't have their trainer for the whole week. Neither trainer is happy to be in the dunk position, especially Bob the height-phobe. Despite the red team being packed with men, Bob's black team wins the challenge. Dolvett sorta gets the week off; he's not in the gym but instead gets to watch them on hidden cameras all week. Well I guess it's not hidden when you're on a reality show. And then black team works out a lot, sympathizes with the newbie, and then gets some restaurant menu tips. The only good part of this episode is when Dolvett whips out a piece of paper called "The Conda List" which describes all her complaints about Adrian and everything in general. She is horrible.

At the weigh-in, the Red team loses 2.73%. These are good numbers and moreso impressive when you remember they did this work on their own this week with merely a last chance workout with Dolvett. It looks like the black team is going to lose but nope, they don't (3.16%). It would seem like Adrian is the easy target. The votes are split between Adrian and Mark (who some say could complete the journey at home). After too many excuses, Adrian is eliminated, pissed, and asks everyone not to hug his sister. Ok, bye.

Top Chef: Texas - The cheftestants enter the kitchen to find five dome covers and since there's four chefs, that means the winner of Last Chance Kitchen is joining the gang. That winning chef is... Bev. Cue the fucks and bitterness. Onto the domes, the Quickfire is to raid the pantry while wearing a blindfold and then use all those items to make a dish (don't worry, they don't have to cook blindfolded). The winner of the Quickfire has a choice of prizes: a new car or an automatic spot into the final round. Sarah wins the Quickfire with a corn soup; Sarah chooses the automatic spot in the finals, the biggest duh prize ever.

Padma and Tom brings the final five's mentors into the kitchen, leading to everyone sobbing about how inspirational their mentors are. They are of course here for the Elimination Challenge which is a dish to impress their mentors. The winner gets that leftover Prius and Sarah, now automatically in the finals, doesn't have to compete and can instead chill with her mentor.

Beverly's dish is gulf shrimp and BBQ pork singapore noodles. She is praised for cooking with her heart and using a wok to cook for so many people. Lindsay makes a seafood stew over toasted couscous and a broth with emulsified cream (Lindsay regrets the cream). The judges don't get the cream either but the seafood is cooked perfectly. Paul serves a chilled sunchoke and dashi soup with summer vegetables. I'm wondering WTF sunchoke is, but that's a Googling for another time. He's commended for his balance of flavor since initially there was hesitation it might be too salty. Ed finishes off the meals with braised pork belly and smoked oyster crema with pickled vegetables. Tom notes he didn't care for this kind of oyster and we the viewers know Ed has to settle for a pre-packaged smoked oyster and not fresh so we all know how using pre-cooked/packaged items usually means.

At Judging Panel, Beverly and Paul are the favorite dishes of the week; they are both in the finals. Paul is chosen as overall winner so he gets Prius. The judges really enjoyed Lindsay's dish but didn't care for the cream or the dried herbs. Ed's oyster sauce is what killed the dish and the lack of fresh oysters is, of course, frowned upon. In sad news, one of the only chefs I liked on this horrible season is sent packing: Ed. Booo.

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Reality Rundown: Pancakes for Peewee

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - After voting out that rando lady last week, the night continues with the two teams meeting Alison in the gym. Alison brings in the brother/sister aqua team, Adrian and Daphne, that didn't make it on campus but worked out at home for a chance to return a month later. Together, the aqua team needs to lose 50lbs to re-enter the game. Daphne gets on the scale and loses 26lbs; her brother Adrian loses 34lbs. Both siblings want to train with Bob and rock-paper-scissors to choose the trainer because they didn't want to debate. Daphne ends up on Bob's black team, Adrian to red, and both of them have immunity this week. Welcome to the ranch. Prepare for the wrath of this group of a-holes and by that I mean Dolvett's team of miserable shitheads.

I wish the red team weren't such turds because Adrian's backstory (his child was born pre-mature and died, which led to him gaining weight) in heartbreaking and he needs this experience. Adrian and Daphne are thrust into the true Biggest Loser workouts and as painful they may be, they are happy to be on the ranch but worry about their outsider position. Cue the red team talking shit about Adrian in the kitchen, saying Adrian has said things that tick them off. My guess is that it's because Conda and Kim are nasty bitches.

The teams are escorted in vans to the beach for a challenge. The challenge is to bounce medicine balls off a trampoline to the other side of a wall which then goes into a team bin; the balls and different points and the team that makes 100pts first wins. The winning team gets to pick one player from each team whose weight will not count at the weigh-in. Not only are medicine balls hard to bounce, but running back and forth in the sand is exhausting. The red team wins the challenge but not all is well. Back at the ranch, there's a team meeting about certain people being assholes. It's so dramatic that Dolvett gets involved.

At the weigh-in, the red team decides Megan from the black team and Nancy of the red team will sit out of the weigh-in. Megan has a big week (9lbs) so the red team chose wisely; red's Nancy doesn't drop big numbers but gets below the 200lb mark. New-to-campus Daphne is a huge disappointment with only 1lb lost; the black team is not pleased. It's a mediocre night for the black team with team loss of 1.72%. Adrian's first impression on campus is only a 2lb loss, which is bad since he's a big dude too. Adrian and his sister insist that the change in diet affected their weight loss. The red team must lose 32lbs to defeat the black team and it comes down to big mouth Conda; her 2lbs fails the team.

Adrian is immune, much to some of his team's chagrin, and Kim has the highest weight loss so she's safe too. In the team talk, Adrian tries to apologize but he's accused of playing the game (throwing the weigh-in). I guess in case they want to torture Adrian (AND ME) they keep Conda around and vote out Nancy. Adrian wins himself no fans when he claims voting Nancy out is "playing the game" (no, that's what your Mark vote is) and the team is offended because they've bonded with Nancy and are sad to vote her out. Nancy interjects and tells him he's ruining the moment.

Top Chef: Texas - In the kitchen are tons of stacks of pancakes- it's like Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. Into the kitchen rides Pee Wee Herman on a bicycle, tooting the horn; he is the judge. The cheftestants have twenty minutes to make an inventive pancake. Sarah immediately wins me over when she makes funfetti pancakes because that's what I shouted when Padma told them to get creative. The winner of the Quickfire (and $5k) is Ed for making the best pancake Peewee's ever had which is pancake bits with fruit and bruleed marshmallows. I want to eat it.

The Elimination Challenge is to make a family style lunch for Peewee and the judges. Easy right? No twist galore: they'll be give a bike, a map to the Alamo and money and they need to buy food and find a kitchen to cook in on their own. So you can't just have them chill in a normal kitchen and make some sort of childish, delightful food? No, ok, let's let this dumb bike thing happen. It's pretty awkward seeing them begging random restaurant owners to use their kitchens. Conflict arises when Lindsay finds a kitchen, leaves to get more food, and comes back to see that Sarah has claimed that kitchen.

Sarah makes a summer vegetable egg salad and the judges think the eggs were perfectly cooked, though a little under-seasoned. Lindsay makes a stuffed zuccini and there may be too much goat cheese. Ed make grits and gravy but the chicken has a weird, almost undercooked texture. Grayson makes chicken stuffed with spinach and egg yolk but the fresh salad stuff doesn't work. Paul's red curry gastrique is good with a combination of heat and sweet on the roasted chicken. Lindsay wins the challenge, with Paul close behind her. Packing up the knives this week is Grayson because her portion was gigantic and her butternut squash and tomato combo doesn't go. The final four cheers but Padma calls them back to the judge's table to announce that someone is returning by being the victor of Last Chance Kitchen aka Redemption Island. So who is back next week: Beverly or Grayson? Don't know, don't care!

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Reality Rundown: Chicken Salad IS Really Boring

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - One hour episode - yessssss. Thank you Mr. President!

The episode kicks off right away with news that Buddy went home for a few days since his wife gave birth; he'll still weigh in. The losers are all gathered together though for a challenge where only the winning team gets to use the gym this week. The challenge is an obstacle course where the teams use a battering ram to knock down doors that are answers to trivia questions. The challenge is beyond boring to watch but the red team wins so Dolvett gets to use the gym. I'm sure Bob will get all pissy.

After the challenge, Santa's wife Chris is crying in the bathroom that she hates it here and wants to quit. Ugh, another quitter? Then don't apply for the show. Bob has to play therapist to try to convince her to stay. Tears and whining ensue but there's no quitting and instead lots of outdoor workouts. On the other hand, Dolvett's team is a bunch of assholes still, particularly Conda, mouthing off constantly. Dolvett puts her in check so Conda comes back with her tail between her legs.

Weigh-in. Buddy returns from the birth of his son. The black team loses 52lbs (2.72%), with everyone doing well except Megan who makes such a weird stank face at her 2lb loss. It's also a decent weight loss considering they didn't have access to fancy gym equipment. The red team is so close to beating black and the producers wisely choose giant turd Conda to be the last to weigh-in and thus get some blame should the red team fail. Conda, however, doesn't fail and loses 10lbs. So Bob's black team has to vote someone off. I assumed Chris, the woman who expressed wanting to quit, would be eliminated by some other older chick Gail gets the boot.

Top Chef: Texas - Cat Cora, who has a new Bravo show coming up, is in the Quickfire kitchen with Padma and Emeril. Padma splits the six into three teams: Grayson/Chris, Paul/Ed, and Lindsay/Sarah. The Quickfire is to test technical precision against the clock which is peeling and deveining shrimp, shucking corn, making fettucini and then with the time left making a dish together. Paul forgets to put the shrimp on the plate, which DQs him and Ed. Grayson and Chris are the winners of the $10,000 prize, despite what appeared to be a bumpy time getting their items prepped.

Elimination challenge: each pair has to compete against each other and create the same dish for a block party for 200 people. Chris/Grayson chose chicken salad and a watermelon salad, Ed/Paul pick Korean BBQ with pickled vegetables, and Sarah/Lindsay do meatballs and vegetable salad. The pairs then learn that they have to actually make healthy versions of their dishes in the most heavy-handed Healthy Choice product placement ever.

Paul makes a turkey kalbi with eggplant and white peach kimchi; Ed makes open face kalbi with kimchi chipotle puree and some pickled shizz. Grayson serves a chicken salad sandwich with arugula on a whole wheat bun, with little mayo; Chris' chicken salad has no mayo and rather a tofu emulsification. Sarah has Calabrese style turkey meatballs made with whole wheat bread; Lindsay goes for a Mediterranean meatball with lamb, veal, and greek yogurt.

Grayson, Paul and Lindsay are called to the judges' table first; they are the winning dishes from the block party based on attendee votes. Grayson is given props for making each sandwich to order, but chastise her for choosing something as lame as chicken salad. Grayson gets really defensive and pissed that a meatball is more exciting than chicken salad. Uh yeah, it is. They love Paul's hot sauce and his use of ground turkey. Lindsay's meatballs had great seasoning. Paul wins another elimination challenge and receives $15,000. Paul, Chris, and Sarah are brought in for their bottom three berating. The use of bread is empty calories and removing the fat from short ribs takes off the good stuff. Chris is commended for healthy choices but since the sandwiches were pre-made, it was all dried out. Sarah's meatballs need less cheese, more fat and the salad didn't have a consistency throughout; but it was moreso a loss because Lindsay's was just better. Chris is eliminated.

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Reality Rundown: Dolvett's Team are Jerks

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - A Temptation lies ahead in a room filled with Chinese food. Besides the crab rangoon, fortune cookies, and lo mein I'd pass on all that ish. This week will be face-off week where each team will put a person head-to-head against them, and the winner of the Temptation will get the make the decision. Winner also gets a 2lb advantage to either keep or split. Bigger twist: if no one eats or if it's a tie, they automatically face off against their loved one partner. Eeeeevil. The red team decide together to not eat anything. The black team decides to eat one fortune cookie and no one wants to eat the THIRTY CALORIES. Cassandra steps up and eats two fortune cookies. Cassandra gets the power and the 2lb advantage. I love the red team bitching about the black team being weak but it's like 60 calories and they didn't want to compete directly against a loved one sooo STFU.

Joe, whose brother was the dick that got eliminated last week, packs up his suitcase and decides to leave campus. His team is not happy but he wants his family. Bob is not happy to see his black team is short a member, giving a weird confused face and wishing it was a joke. Bob calls Joe at home, and BTW there is a camera crew with Joe, and is not happy and worries Joe might not have learned enough to finish the journey at home. But whatever, back to the gym to focus on the people that want to be there in a very tough week of battles.

There is of course a challenge, which is to pump water, transport it through an obstacle course, and melt an ice cube with a prize envelope inside. Slightly different, the trainers are involved in the event helping their teams stay on track. The red team wins the challenge, even if Santa Roy almost blew it by not hearing them. The prize inside is video chats with their family- not surprising. Some of the red team members give up their videos so members of the black family can have them. Mark gave his video to Chism since he's young and has a girlfriend and mom to chat to, so in turn Buddy gives his video to Mark. Aww.

After the tears from videos and last chance work-outs, the weigh-in commences. Since Joe forfeited and quit the show, old lady Nancy wins one point immediately for the red team. The the black team starts to get some points. Lauren lets the red team down a bit with a mere 3lb loss. The biggest showdown is annoying red team bitch Conda vs. Subway sandwich winner Cassandra; Cassandra demolishes Conda and brings the victory point to the black team. Santa Roy has the highest percentage of weight loss so is immune, but before they depart Dolvett gives them a pep talk to let them know he can and will push them more. The votes come to old, weak Nancy or Lauren, a young girl with no screen time but I guess has a stable home to return to. Lauren gets eliminated and I truly had no idea who she was until tonight so goodbye girl I didn't know existed.

Top Chef: Texas - The silver fox chef Eric Ripert is the guest judge at this week's Quickfire which is to grab three ingredients from a conveyer belt to make a dish. The catch is the longer you wait, the better the items but then time to cook is less. Some people, like Ed and Beverly, take ingredients right away while Chris, Lindsay and Sarah wait around a while. The winner of the Quickfire is Lindsay who made a bouillabaise and wins immunity. Beverly would've won if she remembered to put the damn Rice Krispies treats on the plate. Story of our lives, huh readers?

The Elimination Challenge is to make a dish for a queen: Charlize Theron who is playing the Evil Queen in Snow White and the Huntsman. This product placement challenge is to make a seven course gothic meal which means everyone is thinking of what would look repulsed and murdered. Bloody handprints, maggots, dead birds- truly mouth watering. The dishes are actually quite inventive and delicious, despite the grotesque overall theme. The judges are totally wowed but the meal and consider it one of the best they've had on the show.

Judges Table. The panel loved Sarah's amarone risotto in red wine. Lindsay's scallop over stew with dragon bean was creative and reminded them of something a witch would brew in her pot. Ed's black and white sauces had a lot of depth. Chris had dessert with some smoke and fog that was the perfect amount of sweet. Beverly's seared halibut is perfectly cooked and the rice not coconuty. Grayson used a creepy black chicken which was a stunning visual effect, especially when the claw still on. Paul's bloody hand print was cool, but his enchanted forest sort of salad tasted great too, and Paul wins the challenge and gets tickets to the movie premiere. The bottom are Sarah, Beverly and Grayson and while they did well, someone has to go home so it's down to severe nitpicking. It's at long last the end of Beverly and since was so close to immunity, it's a suckier feeling.

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Reality Rundown: Restaurant Bores

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - Samantha Gene Brady comes to the kitchen to give some insight into the week. The person with the highest weight loss on the winning team can give immunity to a player on the other team, a huge incentive. But first, two team captains from each team have to follow Ali into another room. Black team sends Joe/Emily , red sends Kim/Kimmy. There is a chance to win a 5lb advantage for their team by gambling how much they expect their team weight loss to be and the highest bet wins. Then (ugh, long rules) that highest bet team must lose that amount to get the 5lb advantage or the other team wins it. Red bets 3.8% which is 94lbs or 10 1/2lbs per person. Worst bet ever and of course black doesn't try to top them. Kimmy is laughing that they intimidated them which is dumb because it's that they set a totally unrealistic goal for week two for a kind of older aged team but maybe Dolvett's team will triumph again. The rest of the red team? Not so happy. Dolvett? Not loving it, considers Kim/Kimmy worst gamblers ever.

After initial workouts and a Dr. H visit that is luckily interrupted by a Mitt Romney New Hampshire primary thingy, there's a challenge at a pier. The challenge is for a prize of the Biggest Loser meal plan for six months once they get home which will definitely help keep up healthy eating once they get home. The teams have to turn an anchor wheel to lift puzzle pieces and solve a puzzle (giant team photo) and then raise the puzzle up. Seriously, did the Survivor people consult on this season? The black team wins the challenge and gets their meals on wheels for fatties.

Hey remember the aqua team siblings that got eliminated because, you wouldn't believe it, they were out-of-shape? Well back in Chicago and nutritionist from the ranch comes to visit them at home to help teach them the tricks. Don't worry everyone, we DO get Jennie-O product placement to make turkey breakfast burritos.

Workouts, workouts, workouts, Dolvett graffitis the wall, emotional chats... which I fast forward through because I reeeally want to start Dance Moms. Kim, the red team big mouth who made the terrible bet, only loses 3lbs. Haha idiot. Kimmy, the other shitty gambler, loses 4lbs. So... don't go to Vegas with these two schmos. The rest of the team continues to lose not even close to 10lbs a person so of course the red teams fails in the overall task (2.09%), but at least they are losing weight. Black team gets the 5lb advantage and has to lose over 48lbs to beat the red team. Since it's week two, a typically weak week, black team isn't getting huge numbers either. Bob's team is able to pull the victory (2.22%) thanks to 8lbs loss by Jizzum, I mean Chism, and the 5lb advantage.

The person on the black team with the highest percentage of weight loss is Chris who gives immunity to her husband Roy aka Santa Claus. The red team heads to deliberate aka cry a lot and someone sacrifices themself. Mike is pointed out to be the laziest at last chance workout; we saw him earlier get a Dolvett therapy time talking about his on-ranch partner being the half brother he didn't meet until age 12. Mike thinks Kim's dumb bet should get her eliminated over him. In the voting room, Mike's snacking behavior, need for breaks, chewing tobacco, and shitty attitude becomes a hot topic. I don't recall ever seeing a heated vote-out like this before. Mike gets the necessary five votes and is eliminated and expresses he felt like a loner. This goes on for far too long, delaying my Dance Moms experience.

Top Chef: Texas - I cannot begin to tell you how bored I am with this season and that it took me three days to even turn this episode on. This week is the week everyone is typically excited for: Restaurant Wars. This twist year is that it's a battle of the sexes and they'll be dining in each other's restaurants (a two-day affair).

Canteen, the men's restaurant, opens on night one with a rustic mess hall sort of feel. Their service is a mess since no decisions were made before regarding expediting the food and the servers are morons. The first course is a Thai style crab and shrimp salad and a ham and pork pate with a fried egg. Second course, the main dishes, are poached salmon in warm totato water, clams, salmon skin and tomatillo jam and a crispy pork belly with green apple and sweet potato puree. To wrap up the meal, desserts are an Almond Joy cake with banana coconut puree and malted chocolate mousse and cracker jacks with peanut butter ice cream.

The women name their restaurant Half Bushel; insert "bush" joke here. Seating customers becomes completely backed up because Lindsay refuses to only work front of the house and keeps going back to the kitchen. Then the kitchen backs up. First course served is a peach salad with pickled shallots, candied pistachios and bacon vinaigrette and a mozzarella filled arancino (risotto ball) with a sweet and sour eggplant and celery salad. Main course are braised short ribs with a potato puree and apple slaw and grilled halibut with Spanish chorizo and a fennel and sherry salad. The meal is completed with a schaum torte with vanilla meringue and champagne berries and hazelnut cream Italian donuts with banana sugar glaze (OMG I WANT THOSE NOW). The night is completed by having Lindsay go into the kitchen and bitch that Bev ruined her halibut when I say if you have a hard dish, don't run front of the house.

Half Bushel wins Restaurant Wars, despite the horrible service Lindsay did as front-of-the-house. The only critique is that Lindsay's halibut was slightly overcooked, likely making her blood boil. The best dish winner is Beverly for her short ribs, and she wins a 3 liter bottle of wine and a trip to tour a vineyard. The men get their critique which is that the judges and diners both disliked the cuisine. Ty-Lor's Thai dish lacked any Thai flavoring. Seasoning is the biggest critique across the board. They are also critiqued for a sloppy presentation, lack of coconut, and soggy croutons. The judges think all should go home, but it's Ty-Lor that gets sent packin'.

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Reality Rundown: Winners, Losers, and Barbequers

New! The Biggest Loser • Top Chef Texas
New! The Biggest Loser - It's been only THREE WEEKS since the 12th season ended and now it's time for season 13. This show truly doesn't understand that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The theme of the season is "no excuses" and a new set of fatty pairs are outside of a gate to the ranch. Along with the typical pairs there is a pair of strangers (the pink team) and both are former athletes. But before they can get through the gates, they have to complete a challenge and, shocker, the last place team doesn't get onto the ranch. Yawn. Same shit, different numbered season. The first four teams to complete a 40 yard dash immediately move on. The gray team dad might've pulled a hamstring but his son's name sounds like jizzum so I can't focus. The remaining six teams go to round two: move puzzle pieces and complete them. Oh jesus, who marathoned a season of Survivor before designing this challenge? Four more teams move on and then the last two teams compete head to head. Those bottom two teams the pink team (strangers) and the light blue team (siblings). The final challenge is an endurance battle to balance on a barrel. The pink team wins, sending the siblings home. I never understand this whole concept of making out of shape people compete for the chance to get in shape. It seems cruel. But of course, in one month they get the chance to get back onto the ranch if they lose a combined 50lbs. Honestly show, be innovative for once. Your tricks are old.

The first official day on campus begins at the gym where they are introduced to Bob and Dolvett, who arrive via motorcycle and helicopter (HREAM!), respectively. If you look really closely you can see Anna Kournikova picking up her unemployment check at social security. The losers get two hours with the trainers and then they will have to decide which trainer they'd like to work with for good. While fake puking is not an excuse, an almost passed out mall Santa possibly is, but it's actually some brother on the brown team that loses his marbles and can't even recall Bob's name. We find out Jessica of the pink team is a former Olympian who decided instead of getting bossed around she'd boss around hamburgers.

Alison comes into the gym to drop a bombshell: in a season of no excuses, it's also a season of no partners. While they came in as pairs, they will each be on different teams so that they can learn to rely on themselves. As a couple they will need to decide which person goes to Bob and Dolvett. Some teams have logical discussions (grandma orange team really wanted Dolvett, Santa's wife wants him to have a Dolvett body) while others leave it up to chance. This team selection was maybe the fastest thing this show has ever done.

Dr. Huizenga shows up at the halfway mark as I predicted and I fast forward through him. I hate the medical evaluation where they tell the losers they are on death's door and a 22 year old in an 85 year old body.

Bob's team is kicking ass in last chance work-outs, while Dolvett's team is self-described bad news bears. He's got an old lady, Santa, potty breaks, injuries- nothing goes right. He says there's no excuses, especially when it comes to losing weigh-ins. Once he calls out his team, they step up their game. We also learn that the other pink teamer now on Dolvett's team was a professional wrestler that once had a hot bod, but in a match gone wrong (broken tailbone/back) her career was over. But she still beat the other one in a match because she's a winner. F yes.

Weigh-in. The scale has a new font that seems to have a kinda weird glare/glow to it. Bob's black team gets on the scale and while the contestants are smaller and weight is being lost, it's not the usually first week gigundo numbers we're used to seeing. The black team loses a total of 103lbs (3.15%). Dolvett's team hits the scale with Santa's 14lb loss- a great beginning for a 62 year old. His team is rolling strong until old lady Nancy gets a mere 5lbs on the scale and proceeds to make an excuse. Kim, the wrestler, drops 13lbs and that is awesome. Buddy, originally of the red team and has the backstory of a dead daughter, holds the fate of the team in his belly. Buddy knocks it out of the park with a 22lb loss, giving Dolvett's red team the victory over Bob's black team. I think this is a first? The black team has to eliminate one person from their team. Megan is sobbing because she's lowest loser, but strong dude Ben wants to go home because he misses his family (9 kids?!). His team's like aw hell no, but still complies with his wishes and sends him home.

Top Chef: Texas - The cheftestants are greeted at their pad with Modernist Cuisine, five huge-ass books about cooking, and are told to study. The next day Padma and that cookbook's author are in the kitchen for the Quickfire: create a dish that illustrates modernist cuisine. Talk about a no shit title of challenge. The winner gets immunity and the cookbook which they beat into our heads is brand new and everyone wants it. We fucking get it and no I'm not buying this cookbook. It's a lot of weird molecular gastronomy stuff going on in the kitchen. The winner in my eyes as Beverly for jizzing foam all over the judges and dropping all her shit. But the real winner is Ty Lor for his watermelon topped with tapioca. Tapioca gives me the willies.

Elimination challenge! Fuck the modern nonsense and get back to basics... barbeque for 300 people. The chefs have to split into three teams of three and surprise, no one wants to work with Beverly (she ends up with the two Chris'). The cheftestants gets all night to cook and are expected to three different kinds of meat with two sides, not to mention they'll have to cook the meat on a fire pit. They'll serve their grub at famous BBQ establishment The Salt Lick, where we get a mouth-watering tour. During night-time prep, Beverly stupidly reduces bourbon on the stove in the camper and sets off the fire alarm with it's big ass flame. Tom gets by and after being told he'll be getting "sex in the mouth" BBQ, he announces the winning team gets $15,000. The smoke and Texas heat gets to Sarah, who gets an airmask strapped to her face and taken away via ambulance. Her teammate Ed is not pleased.

Blue team (Grayson, Lindsay, Paul) serves up Asian spare ribs, chicken, brisket, charred brussels sprouts, and a watermelon salad. The Blue teams wins because their meat was cooked perfectly and they took risks in their flavors instead of straight up BBQ. The Red team (Ed, Ty Lor, Sarah), irritated by Sarah's late return who throws off the flow, prepares Texas style chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs, smoked brisket, poppy seed cole slaw and pinto beans. The chicken had no smoky flavor and seemed more grilled, the ribs were tough and overseasoned, the brisket got rubbery, and the cole slaw had a weird mint flavor. White team (Chris, Chris, Beverly) has beer can chicken, brisket, and Dr. Pepper glazed pork ribs served with coleslaw and pink lemonade. Beverly's coleslaw is bland and traditional and her beans were undercooked, the chicken was just grilled, the ribs were salty and inedible, and the Dr. Pepper sauce was terrible. Chris C aka Malibu aka good looking Chris made a horribly salty rib that couldn't be saved, eliminating him and giving Beverly another week to be a klutz.

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Reality Rundown: The New Dragon Slayer

Finale! Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

Finale! Survivor: South Pacific - The final duel is the most Ozzy-est of challenges: hang on a pole as long as you can. Brandon does a decent job staying up for a while but of course Ozzy prevails. So Ozzy returns to the game and becomes the prime target. Ozzy of course wins individual immunity in the form of stacking blocks like a card house. Sophie, who for some reason owns a card stacking book, throws a hissy fit for Albert to help her. Albert tries to use this as leverage as to why Sophie should be the next to go, though Rick is really the top one to go. Ozzy reveals to everyone at Tribal Council that he made a final three deal with Coach, making him livid, and then says Sophie is a brat, leading to her having a breakdown. It's silent mustached Rick whose torch is snuffed.

In the last immunity challenge, there's one of those big obstacle course jungle gym things to retrieve puzzle pieces and then assemble them. Ozzy takes the early lead and gets all his bags first, but he's a puzzle failure and Sophie wins immunity. Coach declares Sophie the new Dragon Slayer for finally taking Ozzy out. Despite reassurance from Coach that the deal is still on and begging for a fire challenge tie breaker, Ozzy is eliminated for good.

At the jury, Albert keeps pretending he was BFF with all the jury members and insists he was the puppetmaster. Sophie makes logical explanations as to what she did to stay in the game: strategy, alliances, and winning challenges. Coach feels this is his redemption story and he played with "honor and integrity" and because he keeps saying this phrase over and over, it rubs the jury the wrong way. Coach eventually admits he had to play shitty sometimes. Albert still gets the most ripping by the jury because they believe he knew Brandon was going home and Rick thinks Albert used god to get ahead. The best part of the whole jury questioning is when Sophie reveals they staged the whole Upolu "We found the idol!" moment since Sophie/Albert/Coach found it early and kept it a secret from Rick and Brandon. They jury votes and we come to the present day set and the winner of Survivor: South Pacific is.... SOPHIE!

At the reunion, Sophie gets like four minutes of airtime before Probst only speaks to the male contestants. He gives Ozzy so much credit and Ozzy wins fan favorite by a landslide margin. The worst moment of all time goes to Probst suggesting a Brandon vs Russell Battle of the Hantz season and I will tell you know if that happens, get your recaps elsewhere.

Now, most importantly, at the beginning of each season of Survivor I predict who I think will win based on questionnaires, pre-show interviews, etc. Obviously I was totally wrong with Mikayla, BUT this season we have a winner! Everyone please congratulate Phil Robinson who chose Sophie before the game started. Kudos to him because truth be told, I figured she'd be one of the first out.



Top Chef: Texas - The Quickfire is interactive this week, taking suggestions straight off of Twitter. This includes having to cook something with bacon in it (snooze), make a hash (hashtag challenge, har har puns), and use a random ingredient picked by another cheftestant. Paul is declared the winner for getting bacon, blueberry, asparagus and clams to not taste like shit. He wins $10,000 but no immunity.

The elimination challenge is to create a dish inspired by the person who taught you to cook. Here's where you get a lot of clips about their moms and grandmothers. Alleged new judge of the entire season Emeril finally returns to collect a paycheck and is joined by celebrity guest judge, Patti LaBelle. The winner of the challenge is Sarah who was inspired by the stuffed cabbage her grandparents made. The bottom three are attractive Chris, Grayson, and Heather. I figured Grayson was the shoo-in to go after making a literal copy of her inspiration dish and having horrible portions. Turns out karma's a bitch for nasty-ass Heather who is eliminated for overcooked, tough, dry meat.

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Reality Rundown: Hmm I'm Gonna Go Smell the Pizza

Finale! The Amazing Race • Finale! The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

Finale! The Amazing Race - The final destination on the race around the world is Atlanta, Georgia and man I would like a Phaedra Parks cameo. Amani and Marcus are from Atlanta so lucky break for them. Their route info sends them to a flight simulator which would be puke city for me. Marcus has a fear of flying so has trouble not really flying on the ground. Amani and Marcus takes ace to succeed at fake flying.

Next, teams go to "The Dump" which is the residence of the dude who wrote Gone With the Wind. Since they have to figure it out themselves, they're lost. Jeremy and Sandy end up in a furniture store, frantically searching. Ernie and Cindy are able to make a call to find the right location. At The Dump is a "who gives a damn?" Roadblock to type out their next clue on an old typewriter, but there's no 1 key so they need to use lowercase L. What an exciting finale task. Ernie and Cindy complete the task before Jeremy and Sandy even arrive.

The next clue is at Turner Field based on Hank Aaron's stats. At the field, there's a big ass map that one team member has to climb up and use a rope and carabiners to plot out the race course. This is a better challenge as it requires brains and brawn. Cindy really remembers the race course so her only challenge is maneuvering up on a harness. They receive the clue to head to Swan House, the final pit stop in the race. Then they hover over their cab driver's GPS cursing the "Recalculating" voice. Smart editing makes it seem like Jeremy and Sandy are close but I'm doubtful. Ernie and Cindy make it through the cheering crowd of losing racers and become the winners of The Amazing Race: Worst Season ever. Seriously, what an unchallenging, uninteresting, piece of shit season. Of the remaining three teams, I guess I was pulling for Ernie/Cindy or at least I remembered who they are (sorry, Jeremy and Sandy).

Finale! The Biggest Loser - If you're looking for two hours of filler with periodic weigh-ins, have I got the finale for you! Anna even puts on a pleasant face for someone who was fired for being unlikable and intolerable. While we get some silhouettes of the final three, until then it's the other losers competing for the at-home prize of $100,000. The "huge difference" in this finale is that all the losers have already weighed in and the top three will get on the giant fake scale for the final at-home prize weigh-in. I don't love the way they display the weight loss as it doesn't make it as clear as to their starting weight and ending weight. The at-home prize contenders are Vinny, Patrick, and Jennifer. Yeah I don't really remember two of those people either. The big fake scale is rolled out and Jennifer wins the at-home prize after losing 43.94% of her body weight (145lbs).

The final three, Ramon, John, and Antone, come strutting out to reveal their new skinnier looks next to their fatass holograms. The show then fills and immense amount of time and I'm not kidding about this: I started watching the episode at 9:50PM and completely caught up at 10:21 PM. We get a sneak peak of Biggest Loser 13 which premieres in only three fucking weeks and the twist is they arrive as pairs but the pairs are split: one family member with Bob, one with Dolvett. John loses 225lbs to win The Biggest Loser and gets the confetti in his hair he dreamed about.

Survivor: South Pacific - Ozzy and Edna battle in the latest duel: slide puzzle, hatchet to cut puzzle pieces, than a stackable puzzle of cubes. Ozzy has an early lead but hey, the commercial shows Edna's possible upset. Even Upolu is giving her help from the sidelines to take on Ozzy. No upset at all: Ozzy wins.

It's time for the five to start eating each other alive and Albert can't wait to pull of the biggest blindside yet: Sophie. Are you fucking kidding me? GET RID OF COACH. He even begs Coach to listen to his Sophie pleas, but Coach isn't listening and sees the paranoia. Albert sees Sophie as a threat now so wants to adapt his gameplay to work with Rick and Brandon better. Albert realizes Rick would be ideal for final three because he's a total follower that has done exactly nothing. What Albert isn't considering is how fucking obvious it is that Coach will win. Well until Ozzy inevitably comes back into the game and gets all the Savaii jury votes. Sophie suggests to Coach that Brandon should be sent to Redemption as their best chance to maybe eliminate Ozzy permanently, or at least eliminate his god-loving chances of winning. Coach starts to get Russell flashbacks with Brandon, who is bossy and a butt-inski.

The immunity challenge is to climb a wall to collect puzzle pieces which have to be sorted into pairs, but the extras will make a number code to unlock a box. Gahhh could they make challenges easier for recaps? Winner gets immunity and pizza, soda, and garlic bread. Since the entire pre-immunity strategy talk was to get rid of Brandon, he of course wins immunity and thanks Jesus. He gets to pick one other person to enjoy pizza with him, so Brandon picks Rick to join him while they eat pizza in front of them.

Since Brandon's safe, Coach and Sophie agree it's Albert's time to go since he thinks he's better than everyone. Sophie goes to "smell the pizza" and lets Brandon/Rick know the plan is Albert and he's got a final three with everyone. Brandon doesn't like liars cause the bible hates liars. Rick even speaks saying that Albert checked him with him re: a final three as well. Sophie loves seeing Albert squirm. Albert knows he's screwed but tries one last time to get Brandon to open his heart to him and Brandon forgives him and announces he won't vote for him. Brandon even says if he has to he will give Albert his immunity necklace. Brandon knows he's safe with Coach and even tells Coach said plan. Well this puts Coach in an awkward position.

Tribal Council time! 4 seconds into Tribal, Brandon announces he'd like to give his immunity necklace up and puts it around Albert's neck. Brandon is willing to give his space up for others to show his alliance dedication. Brandon is fucking crazy and dumb. Jeff asks Albert if he would in turn re-give the necklace to Brandon if he were in trouble; Albert says yes, Sophie's not so sure. The realization begins to hit Brandon his time could be up but Albert hopes Brandon has faith in himself and Coach to keep him alive. No shit he keeps the necklace. The votes are cast and, a-duh, Brandon is eliminated.

Top Chef: Texas - Quickfire: make a dish that pairs well with the product placement tequila. Tasting time- shots, shots, shots, shots-shots-shots! Best dig: Heather's dish tasting like the dish of the week at a chain restaurant. The winner is Ty-Lor who made steam clams in a That style fish caramel sauce, a good spicy contrast to the tequila.

Elimination challenge: pair up with the person next to you to cook game meats for their assigned famous chefs, who each come with their meat request. Other catch: all the cheftestants will be judges too and there's double elimination. Winners split $10k so that's a positive. Heather gets paired with Beverly, who she hates. This will not work out well for the bitch. Chris Jones is also in the partner shitter by messing up the sweet potatoes and his partner, Grayson, gets pissed when he admits the flaw. Ed and Ty-Lor are named the winning dish for their quail.

The cheftestants have to vote the three worst pairs to send for elimination. To the judge's table go Heather/Bev, Chris Jones/Grayson, an Nyesha/Dakota. Nyesha/Dakota made a great dish (gratin success!) but the meat was too rare. Grayson/Chris cooked the meat well but the dumb chain linked fence of sweet potato was dumb. Beverly/Heather could've been rendered more but didn't feel like a finished dish. Heather throws Bev under the bus as fast as she can, questioning her work ethics. Dakota comes to Bev's defense because Heather's just being a bully, though her argument is that Bev just doesn't have enough self confidence and over-questions. The pair eliminated is Dakota and Nyesha which I think is kinda bullshit but I guess you have to cook meat right in a meat challenge.

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Reality Rundown: I Won't Be Happy 'Til the Confetti Falls

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - After sleeping in the Atomium and shoving more Ford product placement in, the teams have to dress as detectives from the Tintin comics, realize who they are, and find a Tintin mural. What's funny is they didn't attempt to make this a movie product placement yet shove Fords down our fucking throats. The snowboarders get a good idea and Google what they look like, but fail when they think they're Charlie Chaplin. Others have the good fortune of finding people that know the comic and characters.

Teams cross the Atlantic to Panama City, Panama and I pray they never have to go to the cesspool of Panama City Beach, Florida the week of spring break. Horrible! Once there, the teams take cabs, then boats in the dark to sign-up for tattoo appointments. It's not real, thankfully, but just paint and it is actually their next clue: San Francisco Bay Towers. It's a Roadblock to cross a tightrope, round-trip, 35 stories high above Panama City. Sandy has to do it, based on the rule that at the end the Road Blocks must be evenly split, and she's afraid of heights.

Teams then have to find a statue to their Detour clue. The Detour this time is to deliver assorted seafood to vendors or make a pair of sandals. All the teams completely misinterpret the next clue on the dancers for the Pit Stop and end up in a totally wrong location. This is a fail on the race's behalf because they made the clue completely horrible and difficult to find. Here's a hint: next time you want to send them to a location and hide it on the dress, don't let them wear other pieces that say another location all over them. Lucky for most teams, Jeremy/Sandy's cab driver gives their cabbies all the correct location. Jeremy and Sandy are team #1 and win a trip to Turks and Caicos. Last place are the snowboarders Andy and Tommy, who drove way to far to a wrong possible Pit Stop. They are last to check in and eliminated from the race. I can never pick a fucking winner.

The Biggest Loser - The final four head home to be greeted by their families and townsfolk where they show off their new bods. They receive DVDs from their trainers that also include the pre-show interviews with their fat selves. This is 30 minutes of filler before we get to the only interesting part: Vinny proposes to his girlfriend at the Grand Ole' Opry. I went there once! Then Antone benches his kids. The trainers eventually visit the losers back at home to make sure they are fucking up their progress. John is still a dick even to his wife. Becky is the only person who goes back to work afterwards, making this a more accurate representation.

Then, the final four return to campus (well the desert) to run their season-ending marathon. Then all the loser losers get off a bus because as you recall, everyone will run the marathon and whoever wins gets a guaranteed spot in the finale. BUT, there's more: Walgreen's is going to give money to the top 5 finishers ranging from $2,500 to $25,000 (for the winner). Big stakes! Old lady Bonnie isn't running which I know surprises us all. Annoying old man Johnny walks the marathon while wearing a barbershop quartet hat or something. Courtney, who went home week three, is the early leader; Ramon passes her at like mile 9 but Courtney is still close. Dr. Huizenga thinks a lot of the losers are looking horrible which is like duh, these people are not trained marathon runners. He pulls Joe from the race eventhough Joe wants to finish his last 5 miles; he refuses. Smart move for that torn ACL. Ramon wins the marathon, gets $25k, and a spot in the finale. Rounding out the top five are Courtney, John, Jessica, and Patrick.

Final on-campus weigh-in! The final four are duking it out for the remaining two spots in the finale since Ramon snagged the first slot. No America's vote- yay! John gets all dickish and says he won't be happy til he's pulling confetti out of his hair. Bob admires John's competitive nature. Joining Ramon in the finals are... John and Antone. Vinny and Becky are eliminated which is a bummer cause I guess I liked them. I didn't really care; I had no one I was routing for this season.

Survivor: South Pacific - Cochran realizes he got used and abused by Upolu. Ozzy is confident he's going back into the game. Their duel is to retrieve balls in bags, which will then by used for a table maze. Cochran comes so close but fucking Ozzy wins again. Cochran's not totally bitter because he lived and breathed Survivor now and all the moments he's seen on TV he's now experienced. It brings him to tears.

More tears come rolling because after a tree mail cell phone pre-game, the loved ones are on the island to visit. Instead of a competition, Ozzy gets to choose whose loved one sticks around for the day. Ozzy chooses Albert, Coach, and Brandon to get family time. Do we have to give Coach fucking everything? The families will head to Redemption Island with Ozzy, and the cameraphone, to takes pics. Best moment: Coach says being on Survivor is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Says the guy whose been on THREE TIMES. Also, Coach proposes a secret final three deal with Ozzy when he likely returns to the game. Brandon's dad is like, screw the god stuff and play for the million. Brandon's dad decides his son's game sucks so much that HE tries to get Coach to bring Brandon to the end.

The immunity challenge is to flip puzzle pieces to make a path and not step on the same tile twice. The best part is the big ass puzzle is shaped like a pineapple which reminds me on Psych. Jeff makes some metaphor about it being like the game of making big moves early to get the biggest piece. Edna tries her damndest since she knows she's the outsider without immunity this is her last day. It's pretty clear she knows she's next too since Brandon tells her everyone is gunning for her elimination. Well Coach wins immunity so Edna is fucked.

Edna feels like a second-class citizen on the tribe, excluding herself from prayer circle since she knows Brandon doesn't want her in the tribe. The tribe doesn't like Brandon's big mouth and wishes he had some tact, but I guess they forget he's a Hantz. Edna tries to campaign against Brandon to Coach, Sophie and Albert and uses Brandon's horrible, inconsistent actions regarding honor and integrity to help defend herself. Edna even tries to get Coach to play his idol, but he declines. All the scrambling doesn't matter because at Tribal Council the core group of five vote off Edna.

Top Chef: Texas - This week's Quickfire is a saucier test where the chefs draw knives of different types of "mother sauces" and make a dish with a personal spin on the sauce. I enjoy seeing the judges scoff at when someone doesn't use a roux. The winner of the Quickfire is Grayson's ravioli and beschamel.

The Elimination Challenge is to work as one big team to make a four-course steak dinner for 200 people, in which two courses must include steak and must be cooked medium rare. The challenge winner gets some Toyota car too because we need more product placement so badly. During prep, Ty-Lor cuts his hand up all nasty and bleeds on his marrow bones. As if they weren't gross enough. He's in charge of steak cooking though so he's very nervous. No one else is willing to step into the grill leadership role since no one wants to get eliminated. Meanwhile, fat Texan Heather won't STFU about Beverly's shrimp prep and taking a long time.

The Cattle Baron's Ball is being held at Southfork Ranch, so add in lots of dated references to Dallas. Since it's a charity event I love that it's a steak event with a bunch of women who are like "oh, red meat!" and look startled. First course: tomato-watermelon summer gazpacho, which is deemed safe. Second course: grilled New York Strip carpaccia with a tomato and grilled asparagus salad. The steak is great, but the salad is a clunker. Third course gets delayed which means cold, ugly steak. The dish itself a grilled rib eye, braised brussel sprouts, and creamy potato gratin. The steak is overcooked and the gratin sucks. The final course is dessert and they serve up a "right-side up" peach cake, which the judges love but diners aren't so keen on. The dinner is deemed just fine, so I look forward to a hostile judge's table.

The group wonders in the stew room what excuses they should pull out and Heather gets pissy about the shrimp... again. Chris J, Nyesha and Heather are the best this week. Nyesha made an excellent compound butter and sauce that saved the dish. Heather's cake was tasty but the original cake base wasn't hers (it's Ed's). Chris' steak was perfectly cooked and flavorful. The winner is Heather, which delights Ed so much. Ty-Lor, Whitney and Ed are the bottom of the pack. Ty-Lor knows his steaks were overcooked and takes responsibility. Whitney's potato gratin was not ideal given the climate, plus it was undercooked and borderline raw in spots. Ed's asparagus and cherry tomato salad was safe, lazy, and didn't compliment the steak on the plate with it. Tom says tonight was so easy and Whitney is eliminated..

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