Reality Rundown: Kim Wins Survivor - DUH

Finale! Survivor: One World • Around the World in 80 Plates

Finale! Survivor: One World - The dream of an all girl final five has come true, except instead of Kat it's the dead log that is Christina.

The first immunity challenge of the week is a balancing maze of puzzle pieces that creates clues for numbers to unlock a lock. So basically, it's four different challenges from this season re-hashed, no surprise as this show is full of recycling. Chelsea and Alicia gather the pieces first, but Kim regains the lead by solving the puzzle first and in the three-way end battle gets the combination. Now that Kim is immune, she needs to truly pick a side and her options seem to be taking out Alicia or Chelsea. Chelsea has been her strongest ally but could take votes from Kim in the end. Tribal Council is all about Kim and basically everyone handing the fucking game to her because no one is playing. When given a chance to speak up, Alicia says she has been with Kim from day one and that is what we call sealing your fate. Chelsea's final words is that tonight's vote will either gain or lose her jury respect. Kim does not play her hidden immunity idol (last time to play it) and the votes come rolling out: in a 3-2 vote, Alicia heads to the jury.

En route to the final immunity challenge, it's the fallen survivor torch salute where they lament the other terrible players. Leif sleeping in a crate - never forget. The immunity challenge is to lift and place ten bowls with some wobbly steel contraption thing (that's the best description you're getting of this kinda kooky challenge). Kim and Christina are dead even throughout the challenge. Can you imagine if Christina won? LOLOL. Kim wins again so yeah give her the giant check now and call it a night so I can watch Game of Thrones. Afterwards, Christina wants Kim to tell her in advance so that it's not a blindside. Kim tells her straight-up sorry, you're done. And so Christina rolls over, dies, and doesn't even attempt to campaign to another person. Fucking waste of a person on this show. At Tribal Council, Jeff can't believe there was no scrambling at camp and that Christina didn't make an attempt to break the final three girl alliance. Sabrina gives a great speech on why even though she's not scrambling she's fighting to be in the game shows that persuasive nature in Sabrina that Kim feared. Christina's torch is snuffed to not a single person's sadness.

Sabrina takes a moment alone to take in the beach surroundings and remember why she signed up for this game, how she'd tell her students about this, and how she was laid off. But she wipes away the tears and puts her game face back on. Sabrina, Kim, and Chelsea share in the final three breakfast with mimosas and food and great, I'm hungry again. Chelsea is happy she made friends and Kim found inner strength again after a tough divorce. But the fun ends and the three make the walk to the final Tribal Council.

A complete, freshly scrubbed jury enters Tribal Council as the emaciated, dirty final three sit around the campfire ready to make their arguments to win. Chelsea stands to make her speech and explains she made a 100% alliance with Kim to get far in the game and dumped her emotional playing at the merge to keep her distance from those she eliminated. Kim expresses how she loves this game and took it on as a game of poker, full of strategies and emotionally draining at times, but she did it for family. Kim hopes the jury will understand this is a game and she did what was necessary to win. Sabrina's strategy was to have boundaries, scale back her physical game and lose challenges, and decided not to confront people head-on about eliminations to avoid dirty hands. She explains she was a teacher but laid off two weeks before the game began so she had to win this game.

Time for a bitter jury! Jonas tells Chelsea the guys dubbed her season's hottest and asks her to give a move that she dictated, not Kim; Chelsea admits she made the move to eliminate Kat. Kim says she didn't bring Christina for fear of a bitter jury not based on gameplay. Christina wants to know who Kim would've eliminated if she kept Kim; Kim says she could beat Sabrina so would've eliminated Chelsea. Christina then asks Chelsea why she hates people- LOL. Jay questions Sabrina's laid back strategy which she explains it because she can be overbearing at times and didn't want to get in people's faces. Mike asks Kim about blindsides and she lays it out there that she used Troyzan's dislike of Mike to her advantage. It seems where the jury dislikes Kim is her failure to take the blame. Tarzan thanks the women for letting him stick around longer enough to see his wife, and then uses a lot of ridiculous vocabulary to express his emotions about the love of his wife. Leif said he was sad to be voted out and Kim's reasoning is trust; they never knew where his allegiances truly laid. Sabrina says she punked out for not telling him to his face he was going home. Alicia claims she was a kingpin and had pawns just like Kim and Alicia would've won the game against her. Troyzan says he doesn't hate their guts, but his main beef lays with Kim. Troyzan asks Kim about the moment she made the move to take him out and she says it was when they decided to eliminate Jonas from the game. Kat is the last to speak and she was so hurt, especially by Kim who "destroyed" her. She admits that as a child she had open heart surgery as a child and will be having it again next year and that being angry is a waste of her time. She urges the jury to vote on the best game and not on anger. Damn, Kat got deep and made everyone verklempt. And now the jury must vote for the winner of Survivor: One World and then Jeff will scurry off with the votes and read them at the reunion.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of Survivor: One World is....

KIM!

Then it's the reunion.  Kim gets about four questions before Jeff spends the hour asking questions to everyone else, particularly the horrible Colton.  Colton is uncomfortable with the person he was on the show and insists he's not a racist and would make out with Shemar Moore.  Colton does point out that while he's a villain no one wants to talk about, after he left the show got boring (kinda true). He never really apologizes for his actions until after his mom apologizes for his behavior. But shit gets real weird when BLOSSOM aka Mayim Bialik defends Colton and him and some rando guy think Colton should play again. NO. NEVER. STOP.  Tarzan's extensive vocabulary words are real, Kat is healthy, and Alicia has gotten a lot of feedback for being a jerk on the show (she cries).  The fan favorite comes down to Tarzan, Troyzan, Chelsea and Kim, which is then narrowed to Troyzan and Kim.  Kim wins in a "clean sweep" so she adds more money to the pot.  Troyzan lives in a world of delusion when people on the streets allegedly tell him he's one of the best players ever.  Leif feels like he represented little people well and Christina says it was her strategy to roll over and die and be quiet.  And as all reunions wrap up, a teaser of next season is shown (Survivor: Phillipines) where three former castaway evacuated for medical reasons from past seasons game will get another chance to play.

And now my friends comes the most important results on them all: who won the Survivor Pre-Show Winner Prediction.  If you're new, at the beginning of each season of Survivor I predict who I think will win based on questionnaires, pre-show interviews, etc. This season I came so close with my pick of Sabrina (but my gut was right because I was teetering between Sabrina and Kim).  This season we don't have one winner: we have four!  Congratulations to @jacobjunior7, @hstrong_, @vojha, and Andy W.  Even better... you've won a prize! Email me your mailing address to get your awesome prize. 

Around the World in 80 Plates - This show immediately this show is deemed more repulsive by me when the opening credit sequence tells us with a voiceover that the show is brought to us by Chase Sapphire. Wow, that is obnoxious.

After winning most valuable chef last week, Chaz gets to assemble a new black team to back him up and then they get to travel to France via first class on the train.  When they arrive in Lyon, they must drive around the city to complete The Course.  The red team gets to the location first (a farm) which is to identify six sheep cheeses.  Jenna says she is a master of cheese so she steps up to the plate and messes up a bunch, allowing the black team to arrive 20 minutes into their identification.  The next task is to herd sheep without touching them and I hope a very clever pig could be around to assist them.  The black team is able to herd sheep faster with their strategy of making a human pen, allowing them to regain the lead they lost while being crappy drivers.  The last task, complete with dullard Curtis Stone on a barge, is to pair wines with a plate of ingredients that are to flavors of the wine.  Kevin "Cheven" is annoying, but really knows France and their food and Chaz doesn't like Cheven's constant talking.  Nookie comes in and help the black team get a victory.

The Takeover task is to run a restaurant with all Lyonnaise cuisine and it must include quenelle (spelling? Don't know, the show doesn't care to explain it except that it's hard to make and made of fish, eggs, and butter).  The black team, since they won the course, gets a master class dinner by a MOF Chef Joseph, which is a huge deal in the culinary world.  The red team has to investigate Lyonnaise menus on their own.  Jenna continues to be an annoying, bossy bitch.  Chaz gets pissy at the fancy dinner because Chef Joseph likes having a good time with Avery, and she'll prove her chops because she's taking on the infamous quenelle.

The red team is the first to feed the judges.  First, quenelle with herbs and Lyonnaise potatoes which one diner calls "swollen pasta."  Next, a haddock with sauce gribiche by Nicole - again, never explained so we don't know what gribiche is.  Sai makes a salad Lyonnaise which is a delicious dish, but takes way too long for a GD salad.  The meal is completed with a chocolate brownie with a strawberry sauce (not French at all).  John fails at expediting, making the red team's service a matter of chaos especially when they run out of fish.  The judges traverse to the next restaurant to dine at the black team's restaurant.  Avery's pike quenelle with nantua sauce is first out and Curtis makes the comment that "this is how it should look" in comparison to the red team.  Chef Joseph is there to dine and lets the team know he's very proud of them.  "Cheven" makes a legume salad with ham and the diners don't love this dish.  Nookie makes fois gras with onion jam and it's a hit.  A roasted chicken by Chaz is critiqued for being too big a portion.  A decision is made to fire up all the dishes at once to make it all like a tasting instead of course-by-course meal and some diners are confused.

Based on the local diners opinions, the favorite restaurant and winning team is the black team for their flavors.  The most valuable chef is Avery for her delicious quenelle, which helped her team clinch the win.  The red team is up for elimination and the immediate target is Nick because of his bad quenelle.  John thinks the salad Lyonnaise by Sai is elementary and took to long to make, even if the diners enjoyed this traditional dish.  Sai thinks Nicole's failure to count the haddock and not being able to serve the right amount of diners is unacceptable as well.  The red team returns to the front of the house to reveal their votes.  Sai is eliminated for making an easy dish in the slowest manner possible.

Next week: Barcelona, Spain.

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Reality Rundown: WTF is a Ploughman's Sandwich??

Finale! The Amazing Race • Survivor: One World • New! Around the World in 80 Plates

Finale! The Amazing Race - This truly awful season (sans Mark/Bopper, an All Stars shoo-in) is wrapping up and I can't wait.  I'm not even just disliking the season for casting the abysmal Brenchel.  When I get to a final episode and I can barely choosing a team to back, you did poor casting.  That said, I'm going for Border Patrol agents Art and JJ because they've been good racers, hate Brenchel, and make fun of the other teams too.

All teams hop on the same flight to Hiroshimo, Japan (shocker) where there will be one more elimination before the final leg.  Teams purchase tickets for a bus from an electronic kiosk but Brenchel have issues getting tickets and miss the bus, giving the first Rachel bitchfest of the evening.  After all the bus ticket buying nonsense we then get treated to train tickets buying nonsense. YAWN.  Thank god the ticket stuff is over, OH WAIT IT ISN'T.  They buy a third set of tickets for a ferry and Dave/Rachel get left behind again, hours behind.  No one must watch this show because everybody knows that if you catch a late night ferry the clue is behind locked gates that won't be open until the wee hours.

After a day of dumb fucking ticket chasing, the teams get their clue when the sun rises and I really expected it to be instructions to buy another ticket for like Cirque du Soleil or something.  It tells them to go to Hiroshima Peace Memorial for some American guilt for the atomic bomb.  After being respectful for once and not screaming, teams get on a bullet train to Osaka.  Thankfully we didn't have to watch them buy tickets.  The clue in Osaka is a Road Block for one teammate to appear on wacky fake Japanese game show, Bring That Chicken Home Game.  You can to run on a running track and jump up to retrieve rubber chickens and this is such a Big Brother-esque task it's like you think something is rigged in favor of the devil's favorite team.  Vanessa does the Road Block and it's the worst decision ever for someone with a sprained ankle.  Ralph sees Vanessa struggling and wants her to stop, finish the leg, and take the time penalty.  Vanessa is insistent that she finishes the task and eventually catches the chickens, but whatever because she needs her fake lashes to look good.

The next clue is the Umeda Sky Building with a product placement computer Detour clue.  Teams can either become pick up sushi off a conveyor belt and place on a BINGO board (BINGO? Count me in) or become street photographers for cardboard cutouts of sumo wrestlers.  Dave/Rachel are the only team that choose the picture task, after having one of their bitching session at each other; they seem to complete it really fast but not without Rachel scaring locals with her annoying enthusiasm.  The other three teams pick the sushi probably for the free sushi they get to consume after the BINGO card is covered.  I think the strategy all teams should've taken is not diagonal or across, but a straight down because then you could just grab all the sushi with the letter marker and try to figure out the right answer.

Rachel/Dave check in at Osaka Castle as team #1 for the 7th time, tie the record for most leg wins, getting into the final leg, and win a trip to New Zealand.  Art/JJ finish the sushi before the other teams, but get lost at the grounds of the Pit Stop, as do Brenchel.  Vanessa/Ralph almost catch up, but not fast enough and are eliminated from the Race.

Ending this race around the world, the teams buy tickets (!!) and fly to Hawaii to find their next clue at the Twin Towers.  The teams have to ascend and rappel the Tower, finding their clue when looking down from high above.  Art/JJ cannot make sense of the clue and end up driving all over to wrong locales before finding it.  Dave/Rachel finish first and it seems his advantage of knowing Hawaii (likely from his military days) helps them get around the island easier to the park with the clue.

The big clue they found leads them to a Roadblock to shave ice for snowcones and then give it to some fat Hawaiian actor.  Another truly exhilarating challenge this season.  Good news is, this boring leg is given a jolt of amazing in the form of HELICOPTERS!! H.R.E.A.M!  Somehow Brenchel misinterpret the clue that says "make your way on foot to the helicopters in the outfield" and take a cab to a stadium.  First off, it said on foot you idiots.  Second, who cares, now they'll lose.  The realization that they fucked up is glorious and leads to a great screaming meltdown.

Dave/Rachel are lightyears ahead, starting the next task of rescuing a swimmer using a jetski towing a sled like Mitch Buchanan would do (well he's based in LA, but you get the reference).  After completing this task, the next clue is at the Coral Kingdom Gate and it's another leave-everything-up-to-a-cabbie finale.  Per usual.  Art/JJ find the right clue which is a Roadblock a Hawaiian games of Hawaiian land sledding and rolling a lava rock to make a goal.  Dave/Rachel find the wrong clue at a dock that tells them to board across the water, but that's not the right clue. So they get to the finish line of clapping hands and cheers, so ecstatic.  While they are the first team to arrive, they haven't even done the Roadblock so they have to paddleboard back and do the Roadblock.  Cue producer-cued reaction shots from racers we've forgotten.

When Dave/Rachel show back up at the Roadblock, Art/JJ realize they have a chance but first Art needs to stop being shitty at sledding.  It's a battle of two strong teams and it's real close now.  Rachel nails the sled far easier than Art, and it's painful to watch him fail so miserably and give Rachel the chance to get ahead and beat them.  Not just blonde Rachel, red demon Rachel beats Art on the sled too; he beats her on the lava rocks.  Dave and Rachel get the clue, take the ATV as instructed, re-paddle across the water, and win The Amazing Race along with the most leg victories in the history of the show.  Art/JJ are second, Brenchel third.  Peace out another snooze of a season.

Survivor: One World - Last man standing Tarzan isn't as dumb as he's been playing and starts some gaming to make it into the four, and possibly final three.  He approaches Kim with an idea of bringing Alicia and Christina along to the end because they are easy to beat; Chelsea and Sabrina need to go.  Tarzan has a plan which is to tell each woman he'll hype them up in the final three to help them win, like he'll still be happy with third.  Chelsea and Christina talk end game and big mouth Christina relays all this back to Kim, Alicia, and Tarzan.  The tribe is dividing and things are gonna get weeeeeird for Kim, who is straddling the middle.

The Reward Challenge this week is to run around spinning discs to form a decoder that unlocks a combination box and releases a flag.  The winner gets to booze, shower, sleep and eat on a yacht.  I can't decide if I'd vomit more spinning around in the challenge or from yacht seasickness.  Chelsea wins reward and brings Sabrina and Kim along.  Maybe if Christina didn't run her mouth she'd be getting fresh and clean on that boat. HAHA sucker.  Kim, Chelsea, and Sabrina scour the layers of dirt from their skin, throw on some cult robes, and bask in the sun and breeze.  Back at camp, Chelsea's choice of saying she'd pick "fair" for the reward and taking Kim boggles their minds.  They decide to vote off Chelsea if given the chance and want to test Kim's loyalty.  God forbid they consider voting off the universally loved Kim. THAT is why Kim will win this game.

When the women return from the reward, Alicia tells Kim immediately about Tarzan's loyalty test plan.  They cross-reference stories and realize Tarzan is using the same play with everyone, trying to take out Kim and/or Alicia.  Good news for Alicia is she isn't going home this week after winning the fishbone puzzle or as I know it as, yet another recycled challenge.

Tarzan is a weirdo at camp, per usual.  Alicia has to decide whether to give up her power and dump Tarzan or take out Chelsea.  Kim lets Sabrina know that she has planted seeds with Alicia to get Tarzan eliminated based on his attempt to play everyone.  Kim is aware that Chelsea is this week's target on the other side and she's worried that they potentially switch and vote for her.  Chelsea brings up the idol and Kim passes off that idea, showing her true colors in that she wouldn't try to save her ally.  Kim thinks getting into the final four with an idol isn't wise.  Ummm yes it is, that's why you have it.  Tarzan makes one last plea to Alicia to take out Kim, pointing out how she fooled the guys before.  Then he wears a teeny girls tanktop. Awk-waaaard.

Tribal Council!  Tarzan admits to the jury he helped the ladies take the men out to last in the game and doesn't think he'll win because he's already rich.  The risk, however, is that the men might pick Tarzan just because he's a man.  Sabrina is worried that panty-headpiece wearing Tarzan could be playing them all and that would be the saddest ending.  The reward is discussed and Christina feels trust was broken with Chelsea when she didn't take her on the reward, but Chelsea reminds Christina that she broke her word after blabbing secrets.  The votes are read and the tribe votes off Tarzan who leaves with a bit of class and not sobbing like a baby like someone else last week.

New! Around the World in 80 Plates - Twelve chefs meet hosts Curtis Stone and former Iron Chef Cat Cora in London to begin a culinary adventure around the globe.  Right of the bat, the group must split into two teams to compete.  Then they list dozens of rules that I didn't keep track of at all.  I guess we'll take it as we go?

The first task is called The Course and the two teams must partake in a pub crawl.The red team hops into cabs for their first pub and when they arrive they divvy up the dishes to get the food down fastest.  The black team opts to make a mad dash on foot to their pub but they do a shitty job reading the map, thanks to some chick Sai who has a military background but must have never read some Rand MacNally.  At the first pub, the teams must finish three plates of black pudding hash and drink one Pimm's cocktail. At the second pubs there is a choice to eat three steak and kidney pies or drink three yards of ale; both teams drink the ale in the giant glasses, spring break style.  Now kinda drunks, the teams make their way to the final pub where Curtis and Cat are having a drink.  There is one last menu item and that is for the team to finish six plates of fish and chips and one pint of scrumpy (which is cider).  Let it be known I would HOUSE that fish and chips.  The red team finishes The Course first and wins the Exceptional Ingredient (kinda rolled my eyes with this element's name).

Ok, so next we learn that the teams will each take over one of the gastropubs they visited and prepare five authentic dishes, three of those being the pub favorites that they tasted earlier and no one tried the steak and kidney pie.  The Exceptional Ingredient is potatoes, which is a key ingredient for the three main dishes; the black team can't have potatoes at all which sucks ass because errbody knows Brits love their potatoes.  The locals that frequent the restaurants will choose the winning team and then the losing team will have to eliminate someone.  

At the Duke of Cambridge, the black team serves fish (cod) with polenta chips, black pudding with poached eggs, steak and kidney pie, grilled halibut with creamed rocket (arugula), and a dessert of bread pudding.  Over at the Drapers Arms (which seems to be a far quieter pub), the red team re-names the pub British Pub, American Pride which is bad luck and disrespectful.  For food, there's bubble and squeak (no idea WTF it is, no explanation), steak and kidney pie, fish and chips (which are straw fries), Ploughman's sandwich, and finally the black pudding as a hash.

The red team is praised for their pub's service, but the diners did not like the steak and kidney pie and the black pudding hash.  The black team praises Chad's leadership in the task and the diners were happy a dessert was offered.  The black team wins the challenge, eventhough they didn't have beloved potatoes, and gets "safe passage" to the next city.  One chef from the winning team is given immunity, and that is Chad for showing leadership in the kitchen and planning the menu (Cheven is pissed because he came up with dessert).  The victory seemed to come down to the dessert, which someone on the red team did suggest but it was nixed.  The red team then convenes to discuss who should be up for elimination.  Noogie, who make the steak and kidney pie dry, tries to show his strengths like expediting and his performance in The Course.  Nookie throws out Claire, a harvest chef who pushed for vegetarian food, as a possible person to be eliminated.  One by one, the chefs name who they think should go home to Curtis/Cat, and based on execution of the dish, Claire is given three votes of the six for elimination.

So now that the episode is over, let's go over my thoughts on the show.  Overall, I like the concept.  It's Amazing Race plus Top Chef, tossing in the Survivor elimination aspect.  I found the rules of the show overwhelming and confusing at first and their buzz words (exceptional ingredient, safe passage) corny.  I called 80 Plates a recappers nightmare on Twitter because it was so nuts.  And while I love them showcasing local cuisines, I have no idea what a Ploughman's sandwich is and they never explain it.  Perhaps the show could benefit from showing explanations of local dishes so we know what it is or should be.  Having locals judge the cuisine is a good idea because they know what it should taste like and I like teams having to nominate others for elimination because it makes for drama and strategy.  Having professional judges, like guest judge Nigella Lawson, seems totally pointless when diners choose the winner and the teams make the elimination decision.  Speaking of judges/hosts, I've always found Curtis Stone and Cat Cora to be sort of lifeless and boring and there's no need for two hosts to do nothing.  Despite my nitpicking, I was far more interested in this first episode of 80 Plates than I was the last entire season of lagging Top Chef so I'm interested to see where the chefs go and what ridiculous dishes are created.

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Reality Rundown: Touche, Whatever

The Amazing Race - The teams are sticking around for another leg in India, as it typically happens on the show. The first clue is picked up at a temple and there's a fast forward or a clue to yet another clue. Rachel/Dave arrive at the temple first but already did a Fast Forward, so they cannot do it. Brendon/Rachel decide to take on the challenge: shave their heads. HAHA lose that fake red weave, Rachel!! "I paid $500 for extensions. It'd be so sad," Rachel sobs. Brenchel do not do the Fast Forward and head to the next clue with a slight time delay. Bopper and Mark do in fact take advantage of the Fast Forward, hours behind and after a gross Speed Bump to paint a tiger on a chubbo's tummy.

That clue is a Road Block where teams will have to spin and spool 40 feet of coconut rope. Rumpelstiltskin shit, son! As you may imagine, it's truly thrilling to watch (yaaaaawn). All the teams are together for the task, and the Border Patrol guys realize that because Brenchel didn't do the Fast Forward, Bopper and Mark could do it and knock one of them out. But I think they kinda understand Rachel's hesitation given it's a head shave, but that doesn't mean JJ doesn't try to convince Rachel to go back and do the head shave so Bopper/Mark can't. Vanessa and Ralph finish first and as they run to the cabs, Vanessa bites it - BAD. She's pretty sure she heard her ankle pop but she brushes the twist off.

Teams find their next clue with a local barber, shaving some dude on the street. It's a Detour with a choice of decorating an elephant and then hauling their shit or pack and deliver boxes full of dried ginger. Minus the shit, I'd totally go for the elephants because that is a once in a lifetime experience. Art and JJ do the boxes and lament that Rachel wouldn't shave her head in a race for a million dollars. I mean, she's just shaving off fake hair anyways right? Art and JJ are far behind, cutting JJ's hand pretty nasty in the process.

Dave and Rachel finish the elephants first and head to the Pit Stop via ferry. To keep their lead, they bribe the ferry guy to take off so other teams can't get on the same ferry. They check in first and win $10,000 each - six leg wins? Brenchel and Vanessa/Ralph land on the mat at the same time, naming them teams two and three, but Phil makes an ominous remark about not finishing the tasks correctly. It starts another Vanessa/Rachel bitch-quarrel that leads to amends. Art and JJ arrive at the Pit Stop and check in fourth, not eliminated. Thanks for the fake teaser that some team fucked up. Despite using the Fast Forward, Bopper and Mark still check in last and are eliminated.

Survivor: One World -After Christina realizes she was stupid enough to almost get voted out, Alicia realizes having a dumb Christina around at the end is better than a smart Sabrina. Nooo she's my pick to win, don't do it!

Inside tree mail is a Spring crate and know immediately videos from home will be on that product placement phone.  And because we viewers know this "twist" has been done to death, we know their families are actually on the island, you get a quick hug, and there's for a competition to hang out.  After seeing Tarzan's video from his wife, know they are 64 with no kids, Sabrina is actually playing to hopefully get Tarzan to win too.  How nice!  The challenge is to untangle themselves (castaway and relative) from a rope through an obstacle course.  The winner and their loved one head to a beautiful spot for some grub and margaritas (not Chili's $5 margaritas, Phil).  The challenge winner is Kat and her cousin, narrowly defeating Kim and her sister.  As always, Kat gets to bring someone along and picks fucking Kim.  Seriously?  You are fucking dumb.  She also picks Alicia and says her reasoning is because she has wanted to hang with these two for a while and get drunk.  The others (including Kim) don't agree and think Tarzan and Christina should've gone.

Kat thinks she's won the best reward yet because I guess she doesn't get that besides adding loved ones, it's the same shit as every other reward.  On the reward, Kat and Alicia babble about this being the final three.  Kim tells her sister that she is leaning towards this scenario because it's a simple, easy win against these two morons.  At camp, Sabrina goes off about Kat's horrible choice for the reward since Tarzan needs to see his wife and Christina's dad had a kidney transplant and they could use any time they could get.  An idea is tossed out for Kat to maybe be voted out, with Chelsea pointing out that the eliminated men bonded socially with her.  Chelsea hopes Kim will agree with this plan; Kim relays what happened at the reward and it looks like Sabrina's butt is on the line. Nooooo.

In this week's Immunity Challenge, the survivors standard on a ledge while holding a handle behind their back, which is constantly being cranked to lower them closer to the water and add pressure.  Sabrina is first to step out- sheeeeeeeit.  Then others start to fall.  Kat and Kim become the final two, dangling over the water.  Kat really wants to win, muttering about it and murmuring "C'mon Kim," but Kat thankfully falls and Kim wins.  The Kat pouts about losing.

Kat bitches at camp about losing to a 28 year old (she is 22) and worries she'll never beat Kim in challenges.  Kat and Alicia claim they control the show and can't wait to blindside Sabrina.  But once Alicia saw how weak Sabrina was in today's challenge and how strong Kat performed and her perservance, Alicia's mind changes.  Kim knows Kat could get votes in the end and worries more about Sabrina being able to sway a jury at the end against Kim.  Chelsea doesn't agree with her ally Kim and would prefer to keep Sabrina in over selfish Kat.  Kim has to make a decision that will blindside either Kat or Sabrina and shit's about to go downnnn.

Tribal Council and I'm nervous. I want to finally be victorious in my pre-show winner prediction and for the first time, I'm terrified.  Kat's dumb reward challenge choice is discussed, like why would she pick Kim who didn't even take her on the reward last week.  Kat's excuse is always being young and 22, which the tribe is totally over hearing.  In discussing the Immunity Challenge, performance is discussed and Alicia brings up Kat's strength and poor attitude after losing.  Kat says a blindside will be fun and exciting, as she always gets excited when a blindside happens, showing her arrogance.  The votes and after one Sabrina vote (my heart sinks) Kat gets blindsided and cries. LOLOLOL blindsides are funny!!

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Reality Rundown: Auction Time!!!

The Amazing Race • Survivor: One World

The Amazing Race - The teams drive on a safari through the Ngorongoro Crater all the way to Safari Junction. The interesting news is that a Double U-Turn is ahead so Brenchel beware because Dave/Rachel and Art/JJ made a pact weeks ago to U-Turn Team Big Brother. But the safari ride is gorgeous and I'm so jeal. It's the rare time most of these racers have personalities and seem likable, but the safari it short-lived and asshole time is back.

In Safari Junction they need to find Hilary Clington (a shopping cart) to retrieve their next clue, the Detour. Vanessa and Ralph, never the cleverest, cannot find the Hilary Clington sign and get into their usual kerfluffle that no one cares about. The teams have a choice of filling and supplying water or repair a bicycle's tire using their procedure. Most of the teams go right to the bike tires. Art/JJ choose to fill the water but are startled when they see how long the water fill-up line is. They agree to stay and wait (impatiently) and they get perspective of what these people have to do everyday just to get water. Hey, at least they're not hours behind like Nary and Jamie.

Bopper and Mark finish the bikes first and make their way by foot to the next clue at a pub. The ominous Double U-Turn kiosk is there; Bopper and Mark decline to use it. Dave and Rachel, despite their earlier agreement with Art/JJ, also decide to not use the U-Turn. BOOOO. Art and JJ finish their water and U-Turn Brendon and Rachel and hope that when Dave and Rachel arrive they'll U-Turn the "teachers." Oh they will not be pleased. Brenchel discover they've been U-Turned so they U-Turn Vanessa and Ralph in turn. I don't think it's fair that a team that has been U-Turned can then U-Turn someone else back. At the same times, it doesn't fucking matter since Nary and Jamie are hours behind, kinda catch up, and still have to do a Speed Bump (set up an art stand).

The next task is a Roadblock for one team member to put on a bee suit and harvest honey from a swarming hive. Bees are my legit spirit animal based on name interpretation so bring it. Mark and Bopper were able to pass Dave and Rachel in the cabs, getting their through the Roadblock first. Despite a bad knee, Bopper and Mark check in as team #1 and win a trip to Hawaii. Art and JJ check in third and are pissed and feel betrayed that Dave and Rachel broke the U-Turn pact. Brenchel are fourth, Vanessa/Ralph fifth, and Nary and Jamie check obviously check in last and my pick to win is null. Meh, whatever. Bopper and Mark FTW.

Survivor: One World - Troyzan is bummin' after the vote and confronts Christina for where her voting allegiance lays. Alicia jumps in to half defend Christina and half to shut Troyzan up. He later bitches that he shouldn't be eliminated before four other horrible lazy messes (Tarzan, Leif, Alicia, Christina, obvs). Chelsea urges Troyzan to take it like a man and don't be a whiny bitch about it. Troyzan vs. the One World.

After seasons, NO YEARS, unseen, my most favorite thing ever returns to Survivor this week: the auction!!. Everyone is given $500, bids in increments of $20, and no money pooling or sharing. Because I love it so much, I am giving it major coverage. First item: donuts and iced coffee. GIVE ME NOW. Chelsea wins it for $160. Sabrina buys chips, guacamole, and margaritas for $400. A boring ass protein shake is sold to Leif for $100; I guess it's something. Kim spends $40 to shower in front of all her tribemates. A BLT and iced tea is sold to Cat for $180 and god, I am getting sooo hungry. A bowl of peanut butter and chocolate is apparently a favorite (I say NEXT) and Kim wins it because Alicia's a dumbass who won't spend free fucking money. Alicia instead uses her full $500 bank to get a letter from her dad. Alicia's letter and tears inspires Tarzan to cash in on the letter from home for himself too. Looks like his at-home car repair isn't as important. Troyzan moans about being alone more and gets in a bidding war with Christina (edged on by the women) to win an advantage in the next challenge. Cat spends $160 on a hidden mystery item which is revealed to be a whole fucking cake to share with the entire tribe and it has to be consumed in 60 seconds. GROSSOUT BINGEFEST.

Troyzan's advantage is that he automatically moves to the second round of the immunity challenge. The women, pissed that Christina didn't outbid Troyzan for the advantage, go idol spying on Troy; he pretends he has it. The immunity challenge is a rehash of prior challengs this season: untangle roapes, everyone's favorite backyard game coconut trampoline bounce, and then slingshot coconut tile break. It's a battle of shitty jungle themed nicknames in the end: Tarzan vs. Troyzan. Because you should never openly target someone because it'll backfire, Troyzan wins immunity.

Back at camp even Tarzan is like Troyzan stop actin' a fool and calm down. The women are wrapping about their next step and fretting that Troyzan could have an immunity idol in-hand too. Tarzan and Leif are the obvious choices for elimination; Troyzan wants to pitch to Tarzan, Leif, Christina and Alicia to vote off uber-strong Kim. Oh and there's a weird moment of Tarzan washing Leif's face in the ocean, like father/son bonding moment looking stuff. Awk-ward!

Tribal time! Troyzan's victory smugness is the jump-off point. I honestly can't keep track of what happens but it's Sabrina talking, Troyzan yelling, bickering. Oy, just vote. Troyzan makes sure to explain that anyone from that jumbled Manano is gone and it takes Kim being eliminated. Kim brings up a valid point which is everyone making assumptions of where loyalties lie. Alicia's struggle is when to make her move and pick a final side. What's going to happen, ahhh!! The women split up their votes in case of an idol, and it's Leif who gets snuffed.

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Reality Rundown: Wing Ding

The Amazing Race • Survivor: One World

The Amazing Race - This week is an exciting destination: Kilimanjaro, Tanzania! I guess that beats the ride at Disney's Animal Kingdom. The other teams are tired of Team Big Brother, who doesn't do anything themselves and relies on following other teams, so having Rachel hover over Art & JJ while working with a travel agent doesn't help. Art & JJ reveal to Brenchel and Mark/Bopper that Nary and Jamie aren't teachers based on their knowledge of cop stuff. On the layover, Brendon starts shoving to get ahead and throws a middle finger up at Ralph because Brendon is so superior to everyone. This gives Brenchel another reason to argue with the other teams. Vanessa wins everything when Rachel says "Aren't you 38?" and Vanessa retorts, "Yes I'm 38 and somehow I still look better than you" and advises Rachel to get a nosejob. CUE THE ZINGBOT!!! And since everyone is testy, Art and JJ decide to keep the fun going and confront the ladies about their true occupation; they stick to the kindergarten teacher lie.

After so much airport coverage, the teams finally get to Tanzania to drive to another airstrip to get on one of three charter flights. The charter flight is stunning, showing the hills, mountains, animals, and even a volcano. I want to go there. The teams get off their charter flight to pick up a safari vehicle to drive to their next destination (they need to ask locals for directions to guide their driver). Shocker, Brenchel tell their driver to follow Art and JJ's car. The clue is a Detour, which all teams must bike to: master a Masai weapon for marksmanship or perform a courtship jumping ritual which is just to jump for a minute non-stop. Is it that hard to jump that long?? Brenchel have one redeeming moment and advise Mark and Bopper to do courtship as they are leaving. Anything that gets Mark and Bopper ahead is OK with me. Oh yeah, Vanessa can't ride a bike and turns into a wreck.

Dave and Rachel, who were in third, are able to get to the next clue first which is to unload a truck and set-up their campsite. Once the camp site it complete, they can check into the nearby Pit Stop. Seems Art/JJ and Brenchel took a wrong turn somewhere, though Art and JJ are waaaaay off whereas Brenchel just a little behind. Assembling camp is kinda tricky too and guess what? So boring to watch. Fast forward. Dave and Rachel check is first and win a trip to Costa Rica. My boys Bopper and Mark are team #2- yesss. Nary and Jamie are exhausted and hungry, allowing Vanessa and Ralph a chance to catch up and surpass them. Nary and Jamie are the last team to check-in and because they know this, they take a moment to pull over their car to see a herd of elephants. The good news for Nary and Jamie is that it is a non-elimination leg so spending all those hours putting up a campsite is not a total waste.

Survivor: One World - Troyzan and Tarzan meet to discuss the inevitability of them getting picked off by the women. All they need is an immunity idol and Christina to flip to the guys. Troyzan reminds us he has an idol and he'll play it if things get weird with Kim and Chelsea.

The reward challenge is one of the do-it-yourself challenges that they haven't done in forever. In teams they'll throw some tennis balls on strings to wrap around numbered bars to earn points. The winning team gets escorted via boat for a barbeque fest. The winners are Jay, Alicia, Kat, Troyzan and Tarza, who gives us to get a speedo victory dance. They get in the boat, get crunk on rum, and head to an island for some BBQ. At the BBQ, Jay and Kat talk and he admits he didn't want to send Mike home and wishes they stuck with Salani as originally planned.

Back at the beach, Kim and Chelsea chat and the next target will be Jay or maybe Troy. Kim hopes that she can keep pulling the strings while laying low and being forgettable, getting her to the end and leading to victory. Alicia and Kat are there too and while Chelsea is having a guilt trip, Alicia tells her to drop the emotions. Kat scurries off to tell Sabrina, who can't believe there could be a crack when they need to stay strong. Jay and Troyzan chat and they think the women need to pick off a woman to prove they are still a team; they want Alicia out. Jay wants to trust Troy, Chelsea and Kim til the end. Because they are dumb and can't take signals. Jay asks Kat to come into their fold to have five, but she's hesitant to follow her heart and she needs to use her brain and asks for confirmation. That's right: Kat is making sense while usually-smart Chelsea is getting all sentimental. WTF. Jay and Troy keep being gullible and think the girls won't betray them and will out Alicia- HA!

Immunity challenge! It's a classic endurance challenge: stand on a little perch with their arm above their head, attached to a big ass water bucket. Drop your arm, water falls, you're out. Oh and Jeff will offer temptations to quit- yesss! Tarzan drops out before Probst can even start the challenge because he quits. Christina drops just as Probst was going to give out cookies; Sabrina drops out for the milk and cookies. For cupcakes, Kim and Kat step down. Sight unseen, Alicia drops off for the food under the basket and claims it's all for Chelsea. It's a bowl of candy. Bitch, ya just ate. That leaves Chelsea, Leif, Jay, and Troyzan fighting for immunity. Troyzan falls off on his own and Jay steps off for wings and beer, eventhough he doesn't drink. He's a damn idiot for thinking his "alliance" has got his back. The things we do for waaaaangs. To tempt the final two down, Probst offers burgers and beer. Chelsea doesn't care, even if she's starving, because she wants to redeem herself. Leif steps down for Chelsea and share his grub with Chelsea.

To be ready for an idol in play, the women prepare to split the votes between Jay and Troy; the target is Troy. Troy and Jay begin to realize they could be in trouble, so he admits he has an idol and gets Tarzan and Christina together to talk. Jay tells Kim that Troy is going to play that idol and she's his target. Kim doesn't have time to scramble to re-arrange her votes. WTF is going to happen?

Tribal time! Only three people admit feeling worried about their game status this fine evening. Who has idols is a topic of discussion as everyone is speculating. Alicia notes that Troyzan is rocking a new pair of shorts, potentially idol holding shorts. Tarzan believes his alliance will come out strong tonight should they keep their word. Voting time! When asked if anyone has an immunity idol, Troy decides to not be a dumb moron like other seasons and plays it. Two votes for Troy are read and null, then votes come for Kim, Jay, and Alicia. Thanks to the women's vote split, Jay is voted off and none too pleased.

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Reality Rundown: 7UP Yours

Survivor: One World - In tree mail holds a message in a bottle but not just any bottle: a 7 Up bottle. It's a clue to their Reward Challenge which has two big ass water slides to slide down, retrieve puzzle crates from the ocean, and the assemble said puzzle crates. The reward is a 7 Up oasis, being swept away for a BBQ of steak, lemon meringue and key lime pie (oh I see what you did there), and all the 7 Up they can vomit up. The slide is pretty kick-ass, really whipping the survivors down and into the sand. Blurred asscracks everywhere. The winning team is the slow and steady yellow team, not the green team who was so close. Yellow and green teams? Oh I see what you did there.

So Sabrina, Kim, Christina, Leif, and Michael chant "BBQ!!" in victory, pissing off the other team. But fuck them because their Oasis has food, comfy chairs, and a pool. While the men pig out, Sabrina and Kim chat and decide they need to axe all the men. Pretend the revised Salani still exists, but take out Mike to make it 6-4. This could be a huge move so obviously someone will ruin it. Cue Kat to say to the losers that Mike would be a good choice to go after it's expressed that Christina would be an ideal next elimination.

While the losers get to suck down some extra 7 Up the winners brought back, the weather turns to shit. The men decide to fortify the shelter but that moron Tarzan decides to take a chunk for the shelter to make firewood. Tarzan insists it wasn't from the wall and gets into it with Chelsea. Tarzan wonders if Chelsea hates him because he's a plastic surgeon and she had a bad experience with a plastic surgeon. Uhhhhh. Everyone hates Tarzan but he'll stick around a long time because he is such the easiest person to defeat. Kim continues to be a master strategist, telling Troyzan that Mike was telling everyone Troyzan will be a lock to win. LIE and Troyzan laps it all up. Goddamn Kim, I'm regretting not making you my pick to win.

The Immunity Challenge is, you guessed it, a puzzle! Cross a ladder bridge to retrieve puzzle pieces attached to a rope; the first four finishes go into the final round to piece together said puzzle. The top four are Kim, Jay, Troyzan and Alicia (whose boobs fall out during part one). The puzzle is actually pretty insane as it's a 60 piece puzzle that will lay flat in the end. Thanks to the pieces needing to be flat in the end, there's a bunch of errors where it seems won and done but it's not. This allows a dead last Jay, the tortoise, to come from behind and win. I'll say it: I didn't think this dummy would ever solve a puzzle. Jay has proved me wrong and pre-show I thought he'd be goddamn terrible but I really like him now.

Time to start the shit show at the Tikiano beach (I only just noticed their merged tribe name tonight). Jay thinks since Jonas was eliminated last time, it would be fair to eliminate a girl and even out the numbers. Kim continues her awesomeness by warning Troyzan she wouldn't be surprised if Mike tried to pull a fast one and vote out Troyzan tonight. God she is awesome. Kim knows there is only one way this could fail: Jay discovering the plan. And sure enough, Chelsea fucks it up by asking what Jay thought about eliminating Mike, right in front of Alicia and Christina - not members of the jumbled Salani alliance. Damage control time to make sure Mike doesn't find out and blow up. Before Jay can even tell Mike what Chelsea said, Kim pipes up, "Christina!" Kim is torn because tonight is a crucial point of no return as this will cause a shitshow against the remaining men, someone of which think they are safe.

Tribal Council time and I can't waaaaait! Probst brings up blindsides and everyone says they'd be completely surprised and no one even brought their bags. Kim says that some people think they are in alliances that they are no longer in, but since Kim is in two alliances who does she mean? Tonight's theme is where does loyalty lie in the tribe and we won't know until those votes are read. Oh and there's more Tarzan craziness spewing from his mouth. 2 votes for Christina, 2 votes for Tarzan, and then the Mike votes come pouring out. Mike is totally blind-sided and becomes the second member of the jury.

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Reality Rundown: Oil Me Up!

The Amazing Race • Survivor: One World

The Amazing Race - Art & JJ are the first to depart at 8:48am to fly to Baku, Azerbaijan. Uhh, where? On the edge of the Caspian sea, once part of the Soviet Union apparently. Everyone gets on the same flight- not surprising.

Teams get off the planes and head to a temple with fire dancing and like horns and drums. My god, it's such a migraine inducer watching it, let alone being there live. The clue is a Fast Forward. The Fast Forward is to unload and stack bales of hay in a specific way. For once, several teams chase after it (Dave/Rachel, Jersey boys) so it's a matter of who finishes first to get the Fast Forward. It's Dave and Rachel who win the Fast Forward, meaning the Jersey boys wasted a bunch of time and are in last place, but more ticked they lost to a girl.

Most, however, take the Route Marker to continue on with the race. The next clue is a Roadblock requiring one team member to escape from an underwater helicopter. HREAM!! Less sexy than a Bachelor date, but I'll take it with the potential element of death. It's a pretty insane task, being submerged and then having to push their way out underwater and it rolls around. Afterwards, teams head to old town Baku to find their next clue at a carpet shop. This clue is, of course, the Detour. Teams need to search an old Soviet car full of apples for one apple with a race flag or creepily wash a local from an oil bath. Because these people bathe in oil. Ew. I don't know if the oil or unibrow is grosser. The obvious choice is to humiliate yourself because it's faster, but Nary/Jamie, Vanessa/Ralph, and the Jersey boys still some opt for the apples thinking it's faster.

Rachel and Dave check into the Pit Stop first and win two Ford Tauruses. Art and JJ are team #2 which really means they are still dominating if it weren't for a Fast Forward. They really are the team to beat. The Jersey guys, already behind, seem to be doomed by choosing apples but do it quickly. Meanwhile, the magic of editing makes it appear that Vanessa and Ralph might be screwed by a bad cabbie. Alas, it's Joey "Fitness" and Danny who are the last team to arrive and get eliminated.

Survivor: One World - The newly merged tribe celebrates but getting crunk. More importantly: opening credits are back!

The group is split back into two tribes for the Reward Challenge, an obstacle course and puzzle. You know, the same old shit. But the puzzle is of a sea turtle and the prize is pizza, beer, and a secret note. I hope it's a love note from Probst. It's a very close competition, with both tribes starting the puzzle at the exact same time. The orange tribe wins the pizza and beer (that's Christina, Troy, Sabrina, Jay, Chelsea, and Alicia). As for that note, of course it's a tip-off that there's a new hidden immunity idol on the beach. While everyone sleeps in, Troy(zan) shoves his arm into some trees and finds the immunity idol.

Despite being merged, the newer version of Salani wants to finish the rewards they won by themselves and not share them with Manano. Tarzan is basically the big annoyance, but he's playing the game and wants to get the guys back together plus Alicia. Michael's not into it, but says yes, and later tells this to Jonas. Jonas had no idea about this plan and is pissed that Tarzan pulled this dick move. Jonas is smart enough to know you don't give Michael two days notice, you tell him right before the vote because now Michael will tell the women. Jonas and Tarzan get into an argument and Tarzan says he is dropping his allegiance from the tribe. It's hard to watch this argument because Tarzan in a speedo is so awkward.

In the first individual immunity challenge, the survivors have to stand on a perch while balancing balls on a wooden disc. Tarzan is the first out and I can only hope he will be the first victim of a merged tribe vote. As survivors drop out, the final two competing are Kat and Troyzan. Kat is really steady but she steps off the perch, giving Troyzan the individual immunity idol. And slowly Troyzan is becoming a player I like.

The jumbled Salani decides to stick together and the question becomes who from Manano goes first? Jonas is considered the strongest Manano tribemember, so he's the target to go. Troyzan isn't too keen on voting off Jonas since he's a provider of food, because Troyzan still uses the season two logic to the game I guess. Jonas is shocked with Troyzan fills him in and with his tail between his legs, apologizes to Tarzan. So desperate! The men's vote will go towards Kat for being annoying and not much of a contributor. And then during laundry time Tarzan offers up that speedo and it's got "dirt" in the butt area. Ewww. He doesn't want to follow the rules of ocean rinse then to the laundry pot boil. Tarzan's annoyingness turns the target discussion around and now Salani wonders if they should dump the useless.

Tribal time and I have no idea what's going to happen. Jonas gets upset immediately for being considering a strong target so throws Mike under the bus and announces he'll vote for Mike tonight. Tarzan pipes in that he is against what Jonas just did, is sick of Jonas, recommends voting Jonas out. Tarzan explains that out of his element (the operating room) he knows he's awkward. Tribal evolves into a useful vs. useless discussion and who knows how the hell these people are voting. I think what I love most is that Tarzan said he'll vote off Jonas, yet Jonas still votes for Mike - not the guy openly gunning for him! Jonas is voted off and tells Tarzan "no hard feelings." Tarzan's reply "hard feelings to you."

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Reality Rundown: Ice Cream Sundaes for Anyone Without a Cursed Appendix!!

The Amazing Race • Survivor: One World

The Amazing Race - Teams hop aboard a train to head to Bavaria to retrieve their next clue... a Travelocity Roaming Gnome! I hate product placement but GD I love the yearly gnome task. Art & JJ get a decent lead since they were three hours ahead departing, but Bopper and Mark leave close to 9 hours later and are definitely the last train to Bavaria. But there's a bit of an equalizer (Art/JJ, Dave/Rachel, Jersey guys) since the site for the clue doesn't open until 8:30 AM. Bopper/Mark's way-back-status changes when they catch up to all the middle teams waiting for the connecting train.

The gnome offers up a Detour of either following and picking up a gingerbread trail and decorate a gingerbread house or style a champion beard enthusiast's beard. It appears caressing and finessing a stranger's beard is appealing to most teams. The Jersey guys get one of the harder beards but remember they are a master of hair gel because they are Jersey guidos but it takes them long enough for some teams to catch up. Before their Detour, Bopper and Mark must complete a Speedbump for their non-elimination by yodeling. Oh dear god, it's fantastic to hear southern yokel guys yodel. Some teams do opt for the gingerbread house, a snowy trek picking up baggies of gingerbread. Let's hope they don't accidentally grab a doggie poo bag. Or I hope Brendon and Rachel do because they suck. The joy of Bopper and Mark decorating a gingerbread house and cackling with the evil witch brings a smile to my face. The evil witch is less of a hag than Rachel, that's for sure.

After covering a man's beard in hairspray, teams make their way to Neuschwanstein Castle, which is the inspiration for Sleeping Beauty's Castle, to get their clue out of a former king's bedroom, but I'd rather call it a boudoir. Art and JJ wisely take a horse drawn carriage up the big-ass hill and find the clue first. It's a quick stop because then they have to drive to an ice hockey rink for the Roadblock. The jog up the hill brings brings the anger out of Vanessa, tired of Ralph being kind of a dick. Dave/Rachel and Nary/Jamie go to the wrong castle and wait around for a tour, not realizing it's the other nearby castle, and waste a huge amount of time on the tour.

The Roadblock is to use their Travelocity Roaming Gnome in an old German sport called Eisstock-Schiessen. It's just like curling without the brooms, so I guess I should say shuffleboard on ice. After sliding their gnome into the bullseye, Art and JJ check into the Pit Stop in a cown barn first again. Man, they are on fire. They win a trip to Thailand. In you-deserve-to-smell-like-cowshit karma, Brendon slides and falls onto his ass on the mat- HA! Mark and Bopper, who went to the wrong castle first, are sure they are last and out of the race. However they catch up to the cousins (Kerri/Stacy) and Nary/Jamie and quickly pass them. It's a battle of the ladies who stays in the race and Kerri and Stacy are eliminated from the race. I honestly didn't even remember them on this show.

Survivor: One World - Manono returns to camp and Colton shits all over Christina to her face. Her calls her a human cockroach, she'll have no alliance, if she made the merge she'd be first out. When it comes time to sleep, Alicia refuses to make space for Christina, saying she'll be gone next. Colton and Alicia are this season's scum.

The teams head into the jungle for the reward challenge which is bounce coconuts off a trampoline to hit a target. The clue had said this was a game you'd be playing in your own backyard. Yes, I remember the ol' pasttime of throwing coconuts in my backyard at a trampoline. They know us so well. The winning tribe will be escorted away for an ice cream sundae party. Best. Reward. Ever. I would kneecap someone to win this one. The loser tribe of Manono takes an early lead but struggles, allowing Salani to catch up and make it a tie game. Jeff uses the entire challenge to berate Alicia for being terrible at bouncing coconuts. I can't stand her either but jesus Probst, simmadownnow. Troy(zan) is able to make the victory slam for Salani to get the ice cream reward at a Survivor-style ice cream parlor. Lots of ice cream flavors, toppings, and the fixins for root beer floats. I'm dying here!

Manono camp continues to be plagued by Colton's miserable existence. He wants to mock Christina for her poor challenge performance yet last time I checked, Colton and Alicia were horrible as well. They are bullies, plain and simple. Christina has no plans to quit. The others see Colton/Alicia's nasty behavior, so Christina tries swaying Jonas and Leif to get rid of Alicia because she has a girls tribe alliance. Of course Christina's timing sucks because as she says it's her or Alicia, Alicia is behind her listening to the whole thing. Alicia goes on an annoying tirade, moreso pissed at Christina outing Alicia's girl's alliance.

Now, perhaps karma is coming around. Christina massages Colton's head at night because his head is killing him. Colton of course cannot accept Christina's helpfulness as something kind, instead thinking it's a ploy to save herself. Tarzan suggests Colton is dehydrated and maybe even appendicitis. Colton ends up in the fetal position in the middle of the jungle. Christina walks Colton back to the beach and gets the medical team and Probst involved. The medics check his blood pressure and the abdominal pain he's having. It appears Tarzan's diagnosis is correct and appendicitis it likely is. Colton cries since he's out and Probst brings up the hidden immunity idol he has and I guess Colton is allowed to give it away. Jonas even gets weepy that such a superfan has to give up on his dream for his dumb appendix. Colton keeps the idol and says "thanks for the souvenir." Alicia gets pissed that he'd be spoiled enough to keep it. Double karma!

Treemail comes and informs the tribes that both tribes are going to Tribal Council tonight. I originally thought they were going to make Salani eliminate someone to even it out, but both tribes eliminating is fair. Tarzan would still like Christina to go, but now that the bullies are down, Christina, Leif, and Jonas plan to dump the last bully once and for all (bye Alicia). Leif gets begged by Tarzan to vote off Christina, so he's now torn.

Tribal council time and Salani is both excited and confused that Colton is not there. That's when it's announced Colton was medically evacuated due to acute appendictis. Kat doesn't know what it is. While everyone feels bad that a superfan is out, everyone is selfishly happy that another person is out. Alicia lets everyone know Colton's parting words and that the idol is in his hands. Salani doesn't necessarily buy it, so Jonas plays along with it. Now the big twist, and I have to give a slow clap to @lex_ariff... IT'S A MERGE. Buffs dropped and now it's 6-6 and an individual game. Didn't see this coming and I must say: awesome! The teams will return to One World beach and the game goes on. Let the scrambling begin!

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Reality Rundown: So Much for the One World Thing, Huh?

The Amazing Race • Survivor: One World

The Amazing Race - The teams head to Turin, Italy so shove some Ford car product placement down our throats. Bopper and Mark directly to the airport instead of the travel agency first, which is what was supposed to happen. It isn't until booking tickets and then waiting at the airport that Bopper and Mark find out they are on a different later flight and have a failed attempt at getting on the early flight via standby. Not the only team I like!

In Turin, the teams drive their product placements to their first clue: a Fast Forward! The first team to complete the Fast Forward, piloting a remote control helicopter to land on a pad, will get to skip all tasks and go right to the Pit Stop. Art & JJ, the Border Patrol guys, are disappointed it's a remote control toy but still take the chance. And do it really slowly and poorly but eventually get it done. The other clue is a Road Block to rappel in a building within 2 minutes to get the clue. Brendon and Rachel catch an early lead because Art and JJ take a long time. Dave and Rachel, the married couple, get into a tiff because Dave is a helicopter pilot and thinks he would be awesome.

After finishing the Road Block, teams need to product placement park their car at a national automobile museum. Brenchel get it some dumb fucking fight when they get stressed and I block them out and text a friend about The Hunger Games instead. Inside the museum, the teams have to search for a Ford Model T, retrieve a penny in a clue box, and identify the building on the penny. That's where the next clue is but teams have to figure that out, and luckily there is a Santa bar crawl outside that helps teams identify the name of the building. Except Brenchel, they think the coin goes into a slot or something and get into another pissing match. STFU you two idiots.

The team arrive at the mystery building and take the elevator to the top which is awesome. It's not in an elevator shaft and just right up the middle. So cool. Anyways, there's a Detour to clean a statue or "name that salami." I think that says it all but there is no way any team is going to try to taste and name 14 different salamis. Then I get proven wrong: Brenchel choose the phallic sounding task (and later the lady BFFs). The most enjoyable part of statue cleaning is teams accidentally beheading their statues with water pressure.

Art and JJ check into the Pit Stop in first place again, as the other teams continue racing. They receive $5,000 each as a prize for their leg victory. Married Dave and Rachel, who had a tumultuous leg like the other team whose name I shall not speak, check in second. Joey "Fitness" and Danny are team #3 and it's now dark out. My dear Bopper and Mark, who are having a blast and a laugh despite how far behind they are, are the final team to check-in to the Pit Stop. Art and JJ came out onto the map and split their prize money with Bopper and Mark since Bopper's daughter has medical problems. HOWEVER, it's a non-elimination team and my favorite team remains!

Survivor: One World - The women tribe vow to stick together as the seven since the men are out of their GD minds. This is what we call "foreshadowing."

Jeff calls in the teams for a reward challenge except there's a twist: drop your buffs, tribes are shufflin'. So much for seven strong, eh ladies? The switch is a random egg grab and the paint smashed out of the egg into your body determines tribes. The new Salani is so much better than new Manano and that's mainly because Manano has Tarzan and Colton. The challenge itself is to transport water to raise a lift and the reward is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and gets to remain at One World; loser goes to a new beach. Sooo... One World lasted three weeks? Huge mistake, in my opinion. The whole point was to have males and females separate on the same beach, mix them up, and make them stay on the beach and try to make a shitload of alliances. Now it's regular Survivor. And this epic twist lasts FIVE WEEKS. FIVE FUCKING WEEKS. Fail Survivor fail. Well Salani wins the PB&Js and keeps the One World beach.

Salani is a tribe of awesome including Sabrina, Chelsea, Kim, Kat, Mike, Jay and Troy(zan). Salani quickly comes together as a tribe and hunts chickens and a rooster. But of course there's a game going on, so Jay tries to get some intel from Kim to try to make a solid four or so to make it to the merge. Kim is looking to make some leads so she has prospects down the line and she's ability to find the hidden immunity idol, definitely helping her prospects now. Kim can't keep her mouth shut and tells Chelsea, her #1 confidant, right away but explains they cannot be viewed as a pair whatsoever. Finally a gameplayer!

New Manono is the tribe of duds: Colton, Leif, Jonas, Tarzan, Christina, Alicia and Monica. Colton tells the girls he's with them, but really he's playing everyone to get ahead. Colton doesn't like Christina and thinks she needs to go first and even Alicia, who hates her, doesn't agree with reducing the girl numbers yet. Jonas is worried that Colton is flipping though Colton insists he's still with the guys. Yup, Colton is still running the game. Oy vey. The girls also catch and then immediately lose a chicken, prompting Colton to talk about how shitty his tribe is. But Colton then changes his mind and realizes Monica is more liked by the women so he needs to get her out pre-merge; he tries to sway a reluctant Alicia.

The newly formed tribes arrive at the beach for the immunity challenge, to retrieve a ball in the water and attempt to make a basket. Expect a lot of in-water violence, shoving, toss, salt water in the eyes... and shoving little person Leif a few feet across the water. It's all pretty easy unless battle #4 which is all men shoving the shit out of each other and holding each other under water. But Michael scores the winning basket for a Salani win again.

The plan around the beach is to eliminate Monica, which Alicia tagging along with Colton because she trusts him. Christina would like to vote off Tarzan and Colton claims that's "literally" what he just said. Monica and Christina are just too dumb to even consider the guys are lying, Monica even wondering if they know the numbers. Jonas doesn't let Leif in on the real plan right away since he blabbed last time to Bill, but Colton gets them in on the plan and even tells Leif they have Alicia as a back-up for him. Colton has to tell Tarzan over and over the name "Monica" because the man cannot remember the name whatsoever. Oy vey.

Tribal council. Monica is upbeat, happy and sees the tribe as one. Then Alicia kisses her ass and points out Monica could be viewed as a threat. Monica's argument is that she is trying to help the team, not further her own game. Tarzan is a ding dong and he won't reveal his vote to the group because 1. it's a game and 2. I doubt he remembers Monica's name. He also doesn't reveal much personal information because "the game is a foot." Oh and Tarzan has some sort of affasia (sp??) where he can't remember people's names and sure enough when asked to name his tribemates, he struggles with Monica and Jonas. No surprise, Monica is voted off and it's her and Christina that are blindsided.

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Reality Rundown: Completely Bum-Puzzled Right Now

The Amazing Race • Survivor: One World

The Amazing Race - Teams fly to Asuncion, Paraguay to retrieve their next clue and there is an 8:45am flight that would give a decent lead. Married Rachel/Dave, Border Patrol Art/JJ, federal agents Nary/Jamie, and rednecks Bopper/Mark are able to get on that 8:45 flight. All the other teams are two hours behind.

The first clue has to be found in this sort of playground thing with tons of slides and ladders and shit (the clue is in a grill). The first clue is a Detour: stack watermelons in a perfect pyramid or attach 36 strings to a harp. The first four all opt for the watermelons in the sweltering heat and the Border Patrol guys nail the challenge first. The other teams start to face issues when their pyramids collapse, so the three teams switch to the harp detour. Meanwhile, the second flight arrives and those teams start to select their Detours (mostly watermelon, but the twin brothers opt for the harps). Best moment: Clay and Bopper telling another team the watermelons are easy and steal their cab- LOLZ. I like them. Smack talk begins between Brenchel and some other team when another team comments that they can see Rachel's vagina through her cheap stretch pants. Brenchel ditches the melons right away and shittalk Vanessa for ever speaking ill of her. Dave and Rachel realize every team has caught up to them so use the Express Pass to skip the Detour. The watermelons are basically a fail for all teams who attempt it, causing a lot of stress.

The next clue is a Roadblock where one person must perform a traditional bottle dance, with the bottle on top of their head. If they smash all their bottles teams will receive a two hour penalty which is an interesting twist. I'm pretty shocked Border Patrol was able to complete the task as fast as the editing implied. Dave and Rachel's Express Pass use might be shot to shit as Dave smashes all his bottles and they will incur a 2 hour penalty.

Border Patrol checks in as team #1, way ahead of the other teams it seems, and win a trip to the Bahamas. Because of the time penalty, Rachel and Dave need to sit on the sidelines for two hours to check in. This allows Brenchel to become team #2 and the Jersey guys team #3. Rachel of Brenchel has a half-breakdown on the mat pretending to puke from being out of breath. Rachel and Dave get to check in as team #5, right after my new faves Bopper and Mark check in 4th. So waaaaaay behind the pack are dating divorcees Vanessa and Ralph and twin brothers Elliot and Andrew. Like so far behind it's now nighttime when this leg started in the morning and it's a battle behind two teams that sucked really hard this leg. Ralph is able to complete the dance before the bros, but they're right behind. It becomes an intense footrace through the nighttime city, or just another piece of editing. Vanessa and Ralph come in 8th while the bros check in last and are eliminated.

Survivor: One World - Let's start off this episode with the funniest thing I can recall in years of Survivor: Leif, the little person, apparently sleeps inside the supplies crate. I can't. It's too much.

The women are well-off now, with fire and a batch of snails cooking on it, and the men offer to teach them how to use the net and split the profits. The women decline and the men can't believe they'd turn this down.

Not even 10 minutes into the episode we've got a Reward Challenge: shoot coconuts at a wall of targets and knock down five in a row. They do five so Connect Four doesn't sue them. The reward this week is a choice of comfort (blankets and shit), protection (tarp and stuff), or luxury (coffee, sugar, creamer, donuts). It's just a lot of shooting coconuts back and forth, thrilling TV. The Salani women get their five and a row for a third-in-a-row challenge victory. The women wisely choose for the tarp protection reward eventhough donuts are so amazing and I want one right now.

The men whine about their loss at camp saying they didn't have time to learn the game. You mean the very basic game of shooting coconuts at five targets in a row? Bill is the only one smart enough to say the women have momentum and it's time to start competing. Bill then learns from Leif that Colton wants Bill out and it was a definite possibility last Tribal. Colton gets wind of this, says that "the little munchkin is going to be knocked back to Oz," and tells Leif he's next out of the game for picking the wrong side. Oh and then he calls him an Oompa Loompa. Leif is kinda screwed because no one trusts him from blabbing.

The Immunity Challenge this week to to get tied up as paired to go across a teeter totter, solve a puzzle, retrieve keys, and use the keys to undo locks to let their freak flag fly. Alicia and Chelsea, the first pair of women, are absolute puzzle fails so when Kat accidentally inferred Alicia was dumb earlier she wasn't wrong. Alicia and Chelsea end up looking at the men's completed puzzle to solve theirs, infuriating the men and inciting chants of "Cheat!" Well mainly just old man Tarzan, but even Probst brings up the women can look at the finished puzzles. The women are stuck on the second puzzle when the men's flag goes up and give Manono immunity. Probst rubs salt in the women's wounds, especially Alicia since she cheated off the completed puzzle yet still couldn't get it right for a long time. Alicia just kinda smirks and giggles.

Despite being in the alliance of five, Alicia is now on the chopping block. Eventhough the men are immune, the drama doesn't stop. Bill tries to squash the beef with Colton, who is a brat. Bill doesn't like being ignored which sets him off, calling Colton a spoiled brat and following him around camp. Colton relays the drama and Colton tells Jonas and Troy(zan) that they should give the women immunity and vote Bill off now. Instead of saying "you're out of your fucking mind," some of the alliance likes this plan. Tarzan pulls the group in to talk because he hates traitors and the intent is to go to Tribal Council and vote off Leif, tribal traitor. Colton, who has deemed himself leader and showrunner, still wants Bill out and will not stop.

Into Tribal Council marches Manono, which stuns Jeff Probst still hello you dumbfucks have immunity. 24 seasons and never has a tribe willingly given up tribal immunity to eliminate someone. The group is prepared to sacrifice Leif no matter what horrible, stupid move it is. Colton goes on his tirade against Bill because he's annoying and brings up that Bill should get a job. Bill explains his lifestory of being alone since 17 and being poor is his way. Colton plays the best card ever which is the "I have black friends card." Jeff asks who the black person is and Colton says it's his housekeeper!! And she's like family!! And Probst says "paid family."!! Colton insists it's not a race thing but a get a real job thing even though I guess maybe Colton doesn't have a real job either? Bill is following his dream to be a comic. Colton goes on some other rant about like rich people being more open-minded than poor white trash living in a trailer? It's all too much. Tarzan comes to Colton's defense and feels Colton is being painted as a racist and is tired of these race fights and that race doesn't matter anymore, judge people by their actions. "WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT!" One long argument later, Bill is voted off the tribe.

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