The Bachelor: A Punch to the Face (and Heart)

Week 6

At the Rose Ceremony, Colton easily cuts Onyeka and Nicole because it was obviously coming and also they spent the whole cocktail party throwing each other under the bus. Both are upset but take solace in the fact that the other girl was cut. That's the spirit!

Colton brings Hannah on his first 1-on-1 date in Vietnam for a sexy spa day where they make out while wrapped in banana leaves, sitting in mud, and in the shower. Both share a love for showering. Hannah G opens up at dinner about her parent's divorce and since Colton is also a child of divorce they bond more. And by bond I also mean kiss. Hannah G gets the date rose, a slow dance, and a voiceover that Colton is falling in love with Hannah.

A group date invite sends Demi into tears as she expected to finally get a 1-on-1 date. Good thing she can fight out her feelings with a vovinam date (that's Vietnamese partial arts for you who don't want or don't feel like Googling). Chris Harrison co-hosts the fights with the host of the Vietnamese Bachelor and their chemistry is like Colton with most women: non-existent. At the night portion of the date, Demi really pulls a big move by having Colton call her fresh-out-of-jail mom with her. On the other side of the spectrum, the girls not getting as much attention as the clear front-runners verbalize their displeasure and Colton feeds them the Kool-Aid that it's all OK. Sydney gets the saltiest to Colton's face about being deserving of a 1-on-1 and while Colton keeps trying to string her along because of this show, Sydney decides to leave because she actually wants a magical relationship. Colton's still working out I guess how much love he has to give or something, but he gives his date rose to Tayshia while kind of looking like Debbie Downer.

Kirpa gets the final 1-on-1 this week and that's because we haven't had anyone get dumped unwillingly outside a Rose Ceremony yet. Colton kicks off their sexy fun time by solemnly discussing Sydney's departure. Then they snorkel together and over dinner, Kirpa reveals she was engaged to a virgin who she was with for 8 years and Colton reminds us yet again his lack of boning is not related to religion. Shockingly, Kirpa is not dumped on this date (and I had to rewrite this paragrah) and gets a date rose.

Demi feels her connection with Colton is pretty strong so she decides to get gussied up and show up at his hotel room. Demi tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he "appreciates it." But that's not the lowest point for this moment. Colton tells Demi he doesn't see a future with her and he can't drag her feelings along like this until a Rose Ceremony. Poor Demi is dumped but we know her true love awaits her in Paradise.

After explaining that "Things have definitely changed here in Vietnam" and not meaning it as a deep history lesson about war, Chris Harrison lets the girls know the cocktail party is CANCELLED. Oh noooo. Katie (who?) doesn't get a rose and leaves Colton with an ominous warning that there are girls remaining who aren't ready and Colton is shook.

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Yes, Bitch, Yes

FINALE

Jordan and Jenna receive the most perfect date imaginable: an engagement photoshoot. When the shoot escalates to actual wedding attire, Jenna is uncomfortable at first but Jordan's positivity about their relationship and feelings sets her at ease. Robby Hayes arrives, literally there to hype his Instagram, and seems like he was introduced to be a heel to Jordan and Jenna, but instead he gets a date with Shushanna by default. They hit it off, but Shu is totally unaware of Robby's shady past of dating Amanda on Paradise last season and cheating on her. Olivia loops Shu in so that her friend doesn't get hurt by this desperate influencer. Shu doesn't really care.

Grocery Store Joe is totally smitten with Kendall, but he's worried she doesn't want to be committed. Kendall feels pressured with this show and feels love but isn't sure if she's in love, and Joe is in love with her but bottled up a lot of resentment because she was open to other guys too. And so Grocery Store Joe decides to leave Paradise knowing that their relationship wasn't as strong as he thought/hoped. Kendall also follows suit and departs Paradise in tears right before the Rose Ceremony. Speaking of Rose Ceremony, one of those happens and there's no suspense except will Olivia give her rose to Diggy or Venmo John? It's Venmo John and Diggy gets a ride home with a hired trumpet player.

Chris Harrison rolls up to be the party pooper that ends Paradise. At this point, committed couples only, so see you later casuals. Venmo John tells Olivia he's super into her but they're not Fantasy Suite ready, so they leave together to pursue their relationship outside of Paradise. Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan briefly departed the Friendzone, but in the real world Jordan is quick to say nah, it was fun while it lasted. Shu and Robby, in his Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct tank top, agree to go on a date back home. But the most shocking departure is our beloved Kevin and Astrid. Kevin has the realization that he's 80% into this and breaks up with a mind-boggled Astrid, who specifically asked him not to blindside her. Kevin and Astrid leave Paradise separately and our hearts break.

So three couples head to the Fantasy Suite to express their blooming love for each other, make another Polish sausage dick joke, and likely have sex off-camera. I mean talk! But who cares about the Bone Zone, let's see who gets engaged after three weeks! First up, Annaliese gives an impassioned speech to Kamil and then he gives yet another speech where he sounds like 20% interested in her, but their ending is they're still dating but not at the point of engagement. Second, Jenna and Jordan declare their love for each other and get engaged. Finally, Chris and Krystal. Imagine getting proposed to while the love of your life wears ripped white jeans. Chris does the old fake out saying he doesn't want to leave holding her hand, but holding her heart; they get engaged.

Onto the reunion!

Venmo John and Olivia did Facetime and have a weekend together, but he ended things as it was a long distance relationship - but maybe started pursuing things with Chelsea? Eric keeps insisting him and Angela were just friends, but she isn't allowing this narrative considering she was very open. Benoit and Jordan get into it about Jenna, but there's shockingly amends between Jordan and David. Tia is happy her and Colton gave their relationship a shot and they have resolution as friends.

But onto some great news! Paradise tragedies turn into success at the reunion. Astrid hoped watching the finale would give her closure with Kevin, but it didn't help and she needs a conversation. Bring him onstage, then! Kevin admits the phrase "Fantasy Suite" shattered him due to Winter Games and through therapy has worked through the baggage he brought to Paradise. Kevin still loves Astrid and she still loves him. Hope is alive! Kendall realizes she regretted pushing Joe so as soon as her plane landed she hopped onto a flight to Chicago, with cameras in tow of course. Kendall tells Joe she's in love with him, but he's shut part of his feelings down for her after getting his heart smushed on the beaches of Mexico. But good news: Kendall and Joe are back on track! Wait, great news: Grocery Store Joe is going to be on Dancing with the Stars!

Now onto the Fantasy Suite crew updates. Annaliese is still projecting that all is OK with her relationship, but Kamil isn't ready for a relationship at this level and breaks up with her on national television. Annaliese is furious because she tried to dump him two weeks ago because she was putting in "90" and he was putting in "10." Basically, at the end of all of this, it was scummy for him to do this breakup on TV. Jordan says him and Jenna have had some tough times with the distance, but they have overcome any issues they've encountered. Jordan is all smiles around Jenna but her smiles seem forced, even after asking Chris Harrison to order their wedding on June 9, 2019. But that probably isn't happening. Chris and Krystal wrap up the couples, and he's in tears over their love and he got to meet her dogs. Chris Harrison gifts them with a crystal goose and I don't think they understood the joke.

And with one last blooper reel we say goodbye to Paradise until next summer. It's been great recapping it and thanks for bearing with my delays. This show is a LOT of hours.

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Not Here to F Spiders

Week 5

Five hours of this show. Five hours. Help us all.

After weeks of enduring the will-they-won't-they story of Tia and Colton we discover this entire ruse is a won't they story. Yes, Colton tearfully ends things with Tia when he realizes he's not that into her and trying to make everyone but himself happy. It's the kind of speech that you make if you're trying be the The Bachelor. Waaaaaait a minute! The whole cast is shook, except Venmo John who slept through the whole thing.

Speaking of will-they-won't-theys on Paradise, Ashley I and Jared finally decided to be a will they. Jared proposes to Ashley on the glorious beaches of Playa Escondida Sayulita as her heels sink into the sand. Girl, you were on this show two times - you should know to wear wedges. Also, Ashley's ex Kevin has to watch this and while he's a class act and congratulates her, it hurts.

In dating news, Eric continues with his date with new arrival Cassandra by being crowed king and queen of a Cabellero Festival. But there's more women arriving in Paradise. Shushana sets her sights on Kamil, while Christen AKA Scallop Fingers chooses John, and they four go on a double date riding on a banana raft or something. Kamil reassures Annaliese their connection is strong and not to freak out, so of course Annaliese plays it cool then freaks out. People think Annaliese is exaggerating her connection with Kamil, but it's in fact real: Kamil gives Annaliese his rose. Shushanna is the perfect level of reality TV crazy that's needed, so thankfully former New Zealand Bachelor (and Winter Games participant) Jordan M arrives and gives her a rose and teach me my new favorite phrase "Not here to f--- spiders." Venmo John gives his rose to Olivia, eliminating single mom Chelsea, Christen, and probably others but I forget who they are.

The happy couples bask in the banality of life (Kevin makes his own salad dressing), but are interrupted by Chris Harrison for some special guests: success stories Jade and Tanner, and Carly and Evan. And their babies. After "winning" the interviews, Kendall and Grocery Store Joe are tasked with babysitting two children (one of which loves to cry) so the two couples can have an amazing date. Kendall and Joe are rewarded with a date on the beach and things are getting more real for the couple.

In other couple stuff, Jenna and Jordan get a bout of baby fever and it's pretty comical, especially with a difference of opinion on the name "Tucker." Krystal and Chris AKA Goose finally get to move on to the next level of dating: leaving the resort! They exchange "I love yous" after being interrupted by a raccoon, then have a private concert date while dancing on water. Eric is friendzoning Cassandra and she calls him out as he doesn't seem ready for a relationship while being on a dating show, which makes him have this moment of clarity that he can't give himself to Cassandra at only 50%, and maybe part of him left when Angela left. Eric decides Paradise isn't the right place for him at this time and says his goodbyes.

The main drama of the enter week is Shushanna's obessesion with Kami, who replies in Truth or Dare that he's in a committed relationship at this point (with Annaliese). Shu declines a date with Jordan M and new arrival Diggy (what a delightful surprise!) because she's got it in her head that Kamil is into her, but he's adamant that it's a no. Annaliese eventually confronts Shu and tells her to back off her man. Shu's attention turns to Jordan M, who is off on his date having a blast with Cassandra, because Shu is attracted to what she can't have; he rebuffs her, but comforts her when she cries. What begins as a joke about her constant staring turns into maybe she's doing witchcraft, which I'd say is 20% serious, 80% joke.

Olivia brings Diggy on her date and they have dinner together and learn the origins of his nickname (his teacher said she "digs" his stylish clothes). It goes well and they kiss. Perhaps a late love connection?

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Go All In

Week 4

Love triangles are all the rage in Paradise this week! Also, semi-non-linear recaps because man is this show hard to cover.

Connor arrives with his perfect hair and sweaty neck and wants to pursue Krystal, and she's torn because coming into this show she wanted to meet Connor but has strong feelings for Chris the Goose. But Krystal decides to accept Connor's date invitation and things get steamy after the two get buried in the ground for a ritual. Chris the Goose sets up a yoga date to try to win Krystal back (and her rose); it's a success.

Jenna can't decide if she wants to be with fun Jordan and Quebecois Benoit, the safer choice. After professing his feelings yet again and an ultimatum (and some bad continuity editing), Jenna chooses Jordan and cuts Benoit loose. He rage throws a football into the ocean and then gets pissy with Jenna. Jordan confronts Benoit for yelling at Jenna, but gets confirmation from Wells the Bartender than Benoit didn't yell, only made her cry. With all his anger out, Benoit moves on quickly Chelsea and they smooch in a hammock.

Then there's Kendall, Grocery Store Joe, and Leo. After last week's romance novel photoshoot, Kendall feels more drawn to Leo until she finds out he kissed Chelsea but failed to her tell. Leo is mad he got ratted out and points the finger at Grocery Store Joe, but Kevin comes clean that he said it accidentally as he assumed everyone knew. Kevin stands his ground with his Canadian spirit and Leo fumes to everyone else hoping to gain allies (nope) and shames Kendall (nope again). Grocery Store Joe comes to Kendall's rescue because he's wonderful. Triangle over, right? W

rong! Into the equation comes Venmo John, who still is interested in Kendall, and they kiss - but she freaks out because she realizes she's actually falling for Joe. And Joe is falling for her.

Kevin is this week's hero of Paradise, willing to take the blame for accidentally revealing the kiss to Kendall but politely stand his ground as he's confronted. He's also extremely emotionally vulnerable with his now-girlfriend Astrid, as he's had relationships two times from this franchise and both tanked in the real world, so he fears that without having their bond tested (by dating others), the same will happen. Then he plans a date on the beach for Astrid for them to grow their connection even more. Everyone swoons for the Canadian firefighter.

There's a Rose Ceremony coming, but departures are happening even earlier this week. Jubilee rolls her luggage down the cobblestone steps after Venmo John places her in the Friendzone. Kenny decides being a good dad is more important than reality TV dating, so he leaves to make it home for his daughter's recital. Annaliese is distraught (but not distraught enough to leave Paradise to follow her feelings for Kenny), and quickly rebounds when new guy Kamil takes her dune buggying. Suddenly she considers them "one of the strongest couples". Meanwhile, Eric and Angela go on a date at a lavish hotel with gold everywhere, including a gold plated toilet, and what has to be one of the largest ice cream sundaes on Earth. They toast to being all-in on their relationship (of course a day later hot Christina arrives and Eric basically hits the undo button on that declaration).

It's time for a Rose Ceremony, or if you're Leo the possibility to "burn Paradise to the ground" to start fresh. Annaliese gives a cheerful speech, then Leo follows it up with a scathing burn against Kendall. Leo gets up with a parting, "Good luck with Grocery Store Bitch" so Joe follows and requests Leo say it to his face and they get into an off-camera kerfluffle. Anyways, the night moves on with yet another couple Lady and the Tramping food (this time Colton, Tia, and a hot dog) and Chelsea being a hot commodity all of a sudden. All the main couples give their roses to each other (BTW, Annliese and Kamil are apparently officially a couple? We'll see if that lasts). The only rose that matters tonight is Chelsea's since she's the only single woman and there are four single men: Benoit, Connor, David, or Venmo John. Chelsea chooses to give her rose to Venmo John and he's all smiles. Especially because as the only non-couple-up-guy, Venmo John basically is top choice for all inbound women so he gets to crash a Quinceañera with new arrival Olivia.

Next week: will Eric and Angela's all-in be all over?

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Stuffed Dogs and a Cooked Goose

Week 3

Picking up from last week, Tia confronts Chris AKA Goose and breaks things off with him since he was claiming to be into her but smooching Krystal. Of course Goose claims he made this decision first because he can't let anyone else be in control and sucks. Krystal's excited that Chris is free but also doesn't want to be the villain of the show again. Well the feelings are reciprocated so yay for them and Chris' horrible ripped jeans that he thinks are stylish. New arrival Jacqueline gets declined by Colton, so she takes Kenny on her date and they hit it off and kiss in front of fireworks. Annaliese is bummed because she likes Kenny or is just really trying to manifest a paradise relationship into existence. She tells Kenny her feelings and then they kiss, so maybe it all worked. Jubilee and Caroline both continue to compete for the affections of Venmo John, the King of Paradise. And in the latest Tia and Colton saga, Colton wonders if he should leave and Tia is upset he's not reciprocating feelings. Poor Bibiana has to be the one fighting for their relationship to happen, so finally Colton decides to choose Tia. FINALLY. MAKE IT STOP.

It's Rose Ceremony night and a storm's a brewin, and I'm not talking about the vomit-inducing moment of Astrid and Kevin eating a sausage Lady and the Tramp style. Other guys still have roses up for grabs. Venmo John is pulled between Caroline and Jubilee, while Kenny has three choices now: Jacqueline, Annaliese, and Bibiana, who throws her metaphorical hat into the ring. But these stories are a blip on the night's radar. First, Jordan arrives lookin' like a vacation baller in two-thirds of a three-piece Hawaiian-print suit (vest and pants). He's completely smitten with everything Jenna and she reciprocates the feelings but is a little torn with feelings for David, who gifts her with a giant dog likely stolen from a child at a nearby carnival. Jordan grabs the giant dog and throws it in the ocean, then gets real pissy and rude to everyone; he eventually apologizes. Despite the doggy drama, Jenna accepts Jordan's rose. David gives his rose to Chelsea because well, he has no one. Then there are the obvious roses: Kevin/Astrid, Chris the Goose/Krystal, Colton/Tia, Grocery Store Joe/Kendall, Eric/Angela. The only question marks of the night are Venmo John, who picks Jubilee, and Kenny, who gives his rose to Annaliese. Leaving Paradise are Nysha, Caroline, Bibiana, and birthday girl Jacqueline.

Leo arrives in Paradise with his curls on point and in a pineapple shirt because it's frickin' Paradise and takes Kendall on his date, a dagger to Grocery Store Joe's heart. Kendall and Leo pose and smooch in a photoshoot for the cover of Jorge the former Bartender's romance novel. People go on and on about the love stories of this show but the evolution of Jorge and the success he's achieved is personally my favorite Bachelor franchise story. Kendall returns and is extremely torn over having to possibly dump Joe because she's digging Leo, but then Leo is off flirting with Chelsea who has the hots for him and living his double standard best. Grocery Store Joe just hopes for a date card to woo Kendall back....

... Except Colton and Tia get a second date while most have never left that compound. They head to town and join a dance group run by my main man Jorge again, but are more surprised to see Raven and Adam, Tia's BFF and last season's success story. Raven does not approve of Colton and his intentions, so hooray another way to drag their Tia/Colton drama on. They resolve it and become an official couple, I stopped paying attention. After the dog doll slaughter, Jenna is very open to a new suitor. In walks Benoit from Bachelor Winter Games, former fiance of Clare from Juan Pablos' season, who asks his Canadian buddy Kevin for advice. Kevin recommends Krystal, but Benoit literally grabs Jenna and runs (it's consensual). Benoit brings Jenna on his date to an empty Italian restaurant and they makeout. Her red lipstick is smeared all over Benoit so he looks like an off-duty clown, and they Lady and the Tramp a churro all the way to sucking face status. Can't people just eat food on this show?!?

Jenna returns from her date to Jordan's giant "I'M SORRY" carved in the sand and he apologizes for his behaior and admits the strong feelings he has. But Jenna is confused with her feelings. What will she do?

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Jordans Aren't Phased by Davids

Week 2

The true star of Bachelor Winter Games and my angel Yuki joins Wells behind the bar, the perfect way to bring her onto the franchise. Oh yeah, people are dating so I guess I should get into that.

Kenny gets a date card and brings Krystal on his Mexican luchador wrestling date where he gets to hop into the ring and showoff his skills. The pair bond over their true selves and even share a kiss. While Krystal is gone, Kevin moves on and tests the waters with Astrid, leading to a kiss by the beach. Male model/passionate Capricorn Jordan sets up a romantic dinner of champagne-only with Annaliese, but Jordan's rival David has planted seeds of doubt in her mind about Jordan's intentions. But Jordan's sweetness and sincerity wins her over and they kiss. And grudgingly I report on the saga of Tia and Colton, which never ends as the guys question if his feelings for Tia are real considering he "loved" Becca, and Tia is tired of being dragged around.

It's time for the Rose Ceremony at long last, so the guys start to hustle to secure themselves a rose. Jordan gives Annaliese a giant stuffed animal, and she confirms he'll receive her rose. Nick thinks his connection with Chelsea is strong, but she looks like she hates every second around him. Kendall and Grocery Store Joe laugh together and then he opens up that he came here hoping to understand why he never found love, but then she heads over and smooches Venmo John. Tia confronts Colton about being led and TL;DR - Colton wants to stay open with Tia but also see other people and she's not hanging around to be second choice. In flies the Goose to sweep Tia away. The women finally hand of their roses; here are the pairings: Krystal/Kenny, Astrid/Kevin, Tia/Chris the Goose, Kendall/Grocery Store Joe, Annaliese/Jordan, Nysha/Eric, Chelsea/David, Angela/Venmo John, and Bibiana/Colton. Wait whaaaat?! Someone came to bring the drama. And with that we say goodbye to Nick (fine) and Wills (nooooooo).

More women are en route to Paradise, but no one expected one of them to be Bachelorette Becca to drag out the Tia and Colton BS. Deja vu, Becca and Tia talk 1-on-1 about Colton, who is sitting on a rock crying about seeing the woman he loved again and also not being ready for this. So what better time to have Becca go see a sobbing Colton who's a mess? Colton and Becca talk and he gets the closure he needs, while Chris AKA Goose is still annoying about it.

Some other people finally get airtime on this show. Eric and Angela (who?) have a connection and kiss. Jenna, another of Arie's rejects, arrives at Paradise on her birthday. With her pink hair and pink outfit, she makes Jordan smile and they go horseback riding on the beach. It's love at first sight for him and they smooch all day long at the beach, then he returns back to the resort and has to break things off with his earlier connection, Annaliese. Because his nemesis David has literally nothing better to do (and likely production told him), he surprises Jenna with a birthday cake and awkwardly removes his shirt around her. Jordan isn't phased (but kinda is). While Jordan vs. David is very predictible, Venmo John being Paradise's hot commodity is not and he goes on fantastic dates with newcombers Caroline and Jubilee. What's a successful app developer to do?

Wrapping up the overloaded week, Kenny expresses interest in moving forward with Krystal but she's just not that into him. Who she is into is Chris, who is supposedly into Tia, and the pair kiss. He hasn't kissed a blonde before. Well Tia ain't taking this garbage and heads to confront ol' Goose... but not until next week.

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Crabs, Connections, and Colton

Week 1

Bachelor in Paradise is back! The self-referential opening credits are of course back but the pacing seems off? Anyways, 9 women who dated Arie or Nick and 10 men who probably dated Becca (with a smidge of Rachel) arrive at Playa Escondida to find their new soulmate in about three weeks. The women have the elimination power this week and one man will go home at the first Rose Ceremony.

Grocery Store Joe is a hot commodity and he stakes his claim with taxidermy enthusiast Kendall, who is totally on-brand when she reveals she loves to picnic at cemetaries. Hey, they have great parking! Krystal, the villain of Arie's season, has a whole new voice that isn't sexy whispers and turns her sights to Kevin the Canadian Bachelor, who we met during The Bachelor: Winter Games and dated Ashley I until she left him for Jared. Jordan the model is smitten with Annaliese, but she seems to be coupling up with Venmo John. Meanwhile, his rival David is back and don't worry, he isn't on the top bunk. Some blond dude Nick tries to make a connection with single mom and "snack" Chelsea, but she would prefer to go to bed than be around him which shocks him since he thinks he'd be a wonderful role model for a child. And in a world of fan favorites, Wills meets bartender Wells 

and it's wonderful.

Tia spends the entire first day in Paradise hoping Colton will walk down the steps; he's does not. Tia mopes there's no Colton and gets upset at receiving a date card, which a lot of these people might kill for (literally). She ends up taking Chris on a date because she likes his energy (over-styled Ben Stiller is an energy?) and they shared a passion for bold prints. Once Tia lets her walls down and puts Colton sort of out of her head, she has a good connection on the date with Chris and they kiss in front of a water show. Now smitten with Chris, it's the perfect time for Colton to enter mid-episode with a date card ready to rock the resort. After blowing off Tia and talking to other prospects first, everyone thinks Colton is shady and using Tia. Colton ends up taking Tia on his yachting and jetskiing date and they confront their "issues." The connection is back and they're smoochin'. But the guys back at the resort aren't ready to let Colton steamroll Tia and it. is. on. But like, on next week.

[All images credited to ABC]

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The Bachelor: Frogging and Bowling All Night Long

Week 5

Arie takes the women to Fort Lauderdale, Florida because it's "sexy" and has yachts. Or maybe because he has the habits of a retired man. The only thing more surprisingly than this lame date destination is Maquel returns to the show after her grandmother's funeral.

Chelsea the single mom, her only characterization thus far, joins Arie on a yacht for the first 1-on-1 date of the week. So many cringe-worthy things happen on this date including re-enacting Titanic which might be part of maritime law now, referring to the yacht and Arie as "dreamboats," and a straddle makeout sesh on a jet ski. Over dinner at a classic car museum, Arie probes more into Chelsea the single mom's life and relationship with the father of her child. The date goes well and it's interesting to see Arie asking about someone rather than talking about his own childhood. Chelsea receives the date rose, then the couple slow dances at their own private concert among old Model T's.

What begins as a group date to chug beers and find clever ways to roll bowling balls to get Arie's attention turns into a true competition to remain on the date. Blue slaughters pink but Arie feels bad sending a bunch of girls home in misery over bowling so he lets them all stay. Krystal changes from sore loser to sore winner in a split second, refusing to go on the night portion of the date because Arie is a liar and didn't consult the winners (AKA her) for an opinion about inviting the losing team. Arie decides to check on Krystal like a babysitter because he doesn't think he was being deceitful or disrespectful, he just wanted to bowl (put that on his tombstone). He tells Krystal to stay behind, know that he's disappointed, and he'll see her in a few days. Disappointed dad mode activated. The date resumes and Arie has a grand old time connecting and kiss other women. But Krystal does not listen to her scolding and comes down to the date to frustrate the girls even more. The date rose goes to Lauren who plays 20 Questions with Arie and learns the important things like Arie's go-to breakfast order (which is also my go-to of eggs over easy and wheat toast - no word on if he also orders a butterscotch chip pancake).

For the last date, Arie takes Tia on an airboat in the Everglades and get up real close to a gator. They make a pit stop to meet a real interesting character who built his own cabin, loves froggin', and serves them a buffet of frog legs, catfish, a deep fried corn on the cob - a personal invention that I need to try immediately. Former country girl Tia gets a chance to get closer to Arie while explaining the intricacies of frogging. A romantic dinner is setup in some cabin filled with nautical antiques - or maybe it's a big storage shed. Tia talks about being a doctor of physical therapy, but the conversation keeps deeper about faith and the universe. Tia then says she is falling in love with Arie and he giggles and uses a baby voice that is very discomforting. Arie gives Tia the date rose and I'm more confident than ever that this is the beginning of Tia's setup to become the next Bachelorette.

The cocktail party kicks off in the greatest way: Arie having to say he wouldn't eat human flesh, per Kendall's book of weird questions. While the goal of the night is a private conversation with Arie, to fill the time the girls have 1-on-1s with Krystal to tell her how annoying she's been. Arie tells Krystal her poor behavior put them a few steps back. Krystal plays to play cutesy that it's their first fight, but he bluntly replies it could be their last. No one wants Krystal around, but producers do. She survives another rose ceremony and Arie eliminates Ashley, Marikh, and Maquel. Everyone is annoyed.

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: A Little Love and Lots of Break-Ups

Week 5 - Finale

The end is nigh for Paradise and only serious couples are allowed to stay. So begins the mass breakup morning at Playa Escondida! Jack Stone makes an offer to Christen: let's leave Paradise together immediately. Christen puts Jack into the Acquaintance Zone and waves her scallop fingers to say goodbye; he leaves solo. Tickle Monster and Jasmine agree to part ways as if their makeout sessions might have been something bigger. Diggy dumps Dominique to pursue something with Jaimi, who in return ditches Diggy. Dean admits to D.Lo that he's ending things with her because he's in love with Kristina and ruined everything. Well you ruined our viewing experience as well, Dean. Amanda is having flashbacks to last summer in Paradise, where you may recall she got engaged with sweaty douchebag Josh. She's not ready to continue on with Robby's unwavering hair and she ends their summer fling, shocking him.

The mass exodus of people who came for the open bar and airtime ends with three couples choosing to pursue their relationships further. Derek and Taylor are Paradise's supercouple of the season and the sexy times impending is a big deal for their love story. No one probably expected Daniel and Lacey to last until the end of this show, but here we are watching these two weirdos agree to date after the show and exchanging "falling for yous" before accepting a Fantasy Suite card. Break out the creepy Canadian flag Speedo! Adam tells Raven he feels he could fall in love with her and is optimistic about their relationship, but Raven's is resistant to let her guard fully down and has hesitation about going to the Fantasy Suite.

Cut to the live audience reunion where the cast looks so bothered to be forced to attend. Almost as bothered I am that they cut the regular end of Paradise to force us into watching a reunion. Dean takes all the blame between Kristina and D.Lo, but still pursued a relationship with Danielle after the show and is trying to restart things with Kristina. Amanda and Robby ended up dating after they broke up on the show because they had different expectations, but rumors say skeezy Robby cheated on Amanda and he denies. Lacey and Daniel are dunzo after he admitted he was lying about his feelings. Raven and Adam did end up going to the Fantasy Suite and are still dating and in love. Then Adam gets to meet Raven's parents who are in the audience because everyone loves a good setup. Wrapping up the season, Derek and Taylor come out to the hot seat and Derek proposes to Taylor and she says yes. Bachelor in Paradise is really going to surpass The Bachelor success rate. It's hilarious.

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Twin and Out

Week 4 - Night 2

Jaimi from Nick's season (quelle surprise) is dubbed the "wildcard" because she's bisexual so she could ask anyone on a date. The speculation is much bigger than the actual result, as Jaimi asks Diggy out on her date to sip margaritas in town and discuss that she's attracted to people, not gender. Dominique is a little upset because her relationship with Diggy was starting to grow.

Double trouble rolls into Paradise in the form of The Twins, Emily and Haley. They have their eyes on Derek and Dean and look forward to creating drama with their double date card. Since Derek is extremely taken, Haley decides to take out serial killer Jack Stone. Emily demands Dean come on the date but gets declined twice, asking out Tickle Monster as her backup. Jack Stone last minute decides he'd rather spend time with Christen than be a fallback for the twins. The twins get pissed, leave Paradise, and angrily throw scallops.

All the happy couples have their check-in so we can recall that this is allegedly about finding love. Derek and Taylor are still steady and have the starting-to-feel-love discussion. Jack Stone thinks Christen is marriage material. Dean and D.Lo can openly explore their connection. Robby's feels for Amanda are as unwavering as his hair. Adam hopes to keep the momentum with Raven going. But Chris Harrison makes a daytime visit with a big announcement: this is the last day of Paradise. OH SNAP!

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Jack Stone is a Good Kisser

Week 4 - Night 1

Blake, the guy who hates Whaboom and still won't stop talking about it, comes to Paradise and no one is very receptive to him and his sweat glands. Blake invites Kristina on his date but she declines given her unique romantic conundrum (and lack of interest in Blake). Christen ends up accepting the date with Blake. The women are more receptive to Fred, the guy who Rachel knew as a kid, who shows up shortly after Blake. Eventhough Dominique has a thing with Diggy, she accepts Fred's invite. Blake, Christen, Dominique, and Fred go on a group date together on speed boat while Christen nearly barfs on the boat and then almost loses a contact. Dominique and Fred have a blast, but Diggy is nervous about where he stands if the couple hit it off. The last date of the week is for Robby and Amanda to get all cutesy at a street carnival and then light off fireworks low enough to nearly kill the attendees.

Some gossip is spreading around Paradise that Jack Stone is a bad kisser. Jasmine, the self-proclaimed Queen of Paradise, earlier kissed Tickle Monster because she was intrigued. Well Jack is no exception and if anything, maybe she can help. A few shots later, Jasmine smooches Jack and he's a good kisser. Soon enough, Jack's a hot makeout commodity, kissing D.Lo and Raven. So world, please know that Jack Stone is a certified good kisser.

Chris Harrison shows up mid-day to announce there's no new arrivals coming and the Rose Ceremony is that very night. Time for all the guys to hustle to get the ladies' roses. Ben Z decides to stop the hustle and decides to leave since he hasn't found a romantic connection. This is great news for his dog! Diggy puts his feelings for Dominique out there, with them playing a Q&A game that lets Diggy grab a kiss to show his interest. Christen learns from bartender Wells that everyone calls her "Scallop Fingers" and can't understand the persecution for taking home leftovers. Fish fandom be damned, Christen is high in demand in Paradise with three guys hoping to receive her rose (Jack Stone, Tickle Monster, Blake).

If you viewers are as tired of the Dean triangle, sounds like everyone living in Paradise is over Dean's antics. Dean's guilty when he finds out Kristina saw his pool frolic session with Kristina. D.Lo is also tired of being the other woman. Dean finally makes a decision and after stringing Kristina on for weeks, he chooses D.Lo. Kristina is pissed and goes to Raven for advice and reassurance. Raven tells Kristina to not be mad at D.Lo; Dean's the player. But Kristina doesn't want to hear her friend take D.Lo's side, when Kristina holds both D.Lo and Dean accountable. Bartender Wells offers the sage wisdom Kristina needs, proving to be a wonderful fill-in for Jorge.

The Rose Ceremony begins with the obvious roses: Lacey/Daniel, Taylor/Derek, Amanda/Robby, and Raven/Adam. Now onto the more suspenseful choices. Dominique gives her rose to Diggy over Fred. Queen of Paradise Jasmine, a total wildcard, extends her rose to Tickle Monster. Christen isn't pursued by Blake's attempts at a scallop bribe; she chooses Jack Stone. So now comes the big question: who will Dean accept a rose from? Kristina gets to the podium first and gives a speech about wanting to be valued and put first in a future relationship, so she does not give out her rose and leaves Paradise. Dean looks down in shame and offers to walk Kristina out and apologize for the 80th time. Dean heads back to the Rose Ceremony and then accepts the final rose of the evening from D.Lo. Fred and Blake end their one-day vacation in Paradise leaving no impact to the point that I'll forget they were even on this show tomorrow.

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor In Paradise: Tickle Time

Week 3 - Night 2

Picking up from the prior night, Daniel the Canadian (not shown: Canadian flag speedo) arrives just in time to play Rose Ceremony hero for Christen or Jasmine. But Daniel actually ends up being the hero for Lacey, who has allegedly been awaiting his arrival. Definitely a surprise considering how horrible their conversation went. Jack Stone gives his rose to Christen and then special guest Matt re-appears from the sidelines to give Jasmine his rose before departing... again. The Rose Ceremony remains on course with all the couplings, with some alleged suspense with the triangles. Adam chooses Raven over Sarah, Dean picks Kristina instead of D.Lo, and Ben Z can't pick his dog since he's not in Mexico so he chooses D.Lo. Great, let this Dean triangle drag on forever! Sadly, we lose Sarah and Alexis, the life of the party. Pour out a marg for the Shark/Dolphin queen.

Everyone's hangover sleep is interrupted when a Mexican wrestlers raid the house to drop off Daniel's date card. Daniel ultimately chooses Lacey for their wrestling date, complete with shiny costumes and a BIP Championship belt. When they return to the resort and get cozy, Jasmine interrupts and takes Daniel away. Jonathan the Tickle Monster strolls in Paradise with a date hard in his left hand, and the right hand ready for a good squeeze. He hits it off immediately with Christen, and after a kiss they head out on a date together. Turns out, the Tickle Monster has less creepy things in his life like being an actual doctor and surfer. Christen and Tickle seem to hit it off, but Jack Stone snags her again and gets a kiss. And then it's back to this Dean nonsense. As you may recall from every other episode thus far, Kristina feels like Dean is pulling away. Despite wanting to keep things going with Kristina, he still continues to flirt with Danielle right in front of Kristina. Kristina is miserable and crying and says her orphanage is better than Paradise. Well put that in the promos!

Much like last week, the show cuts to an in studio special to interview Corinne about her side of the production shut down, and then trying to balance their heaviness with tone deaf segments about all the fun in Paradise. Pass.

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: The Queen of Paradise vs. Scallop Fingers

Week 3 - Night 1

Alexis plays a game called "What's That Going In Your Mouth?" with Jack Stone which is not as dirty as you'd expect until she tries to put a dead crab in his mouth. If there was any possible match before, it's as dead as that crab now.

Christen the Virgin arrives in Paradise and makes a romantic assassination attempt on Jasmine the self-dubbed Queen of Paradise: Christen invites Matt on her date. Matt wants to accept the invitation because he hopes to get the most of this experience (making out with several women), so Jasmine passive aggressively gives the OK. Breaking the third wall, Jasmine tells the cameras she's going to give TV and heads to the bedroom to confront Christen who amounts to pretty much nothing but calling Christen "slimy" and the girls nicknaming Christen "Scallop Fingers" due to her to-go dining habits. Christen and Matt leave the resort to get chocolate covered bananas, hopefully from a Bluth Company franchise, and buy bathing suits (and kiss in the water). They return from their nice date to find Jasmine ready to pummel him in kisses to stake her territory and everyone secretly laughing at Scallop Fingers eating shrimp. This is actual life and also half of the episode.

Robby is still intent on courting Amanda and interrupts a rousing game of Scattegories to surprise her with a hot tub full of glow sticks. While appreciative of the gesture, Amanda is clearly not super into Robby. The triangles are still in full force and going nowhere. Adam is choosing between Sarah and Raven, while Dean continues to mess with Kristina's head while wanting to pursue Danielle AKA D.Lo. Taylor and Derek are Paradise's supercouple but encounter their first fight over their communication which makes Taylor reconsider their whole relationship. 

It's Rose Ceremony time and the men hold all the cards (or roses, whatever). But Chris Harrison teases some sort of twist, so freaks for a minute before returning to the moment to acquire a rose. Adam likes how Raven challenges him, but also appreciates how transparent Sarah is with her feelings. Lacey tells Diggy she was upset he didn't consult her before he accepted a date with Dominique, then Lacey gets more upset when he confirms he's not her the rose. Dean tells Kristina how fascinating she is one minute, then minutes later is telling Danielle how he's infatuated by her. Oh and kissing both. C'mon, Dean you're killing us. After showering Amanda with more trinkets from a Mexican gift, Robby gets a kiss from Amanda. Derek apologizes for crossing a boundary with Taylor and they make amends. Matt's completely stressed by the situation of Paradise and a lot of other nonsense that comes with being on this show so he decides he'd like to leave. Jasmine is upset and the end of her summer fling, while Christen has no idea how she'll get a rose. There's only one hope for a rose: Jack Stone. Jasmine and Christen both talk to Jack, but only one goes for the smooch. The Queen of Paradise may be dethroned unless she can find a good ally. Will the introduction of Daniel the Canadian be her saving grace?

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Paradise's Bartenders Save the Day

Week 2 - Night 2

This week the men are in control at the Rose Ceremony, so the women hope to keep up their connections. Except new girls are here! 

Sarah from, you guessed it, Nick's season walks down in her floral romper and hugs the Nick reject squad. The girls want Sarah to date Ben, but he won't STFU about his dog. Sarah invites Adam on her date after Raven says she's cool with it, but really Raven is far from OK. Sarah and Adam go on the usual Paradise date of drinking margaritas and dancing. It's a great time which makes Adam more torn about who will receive his rose.

Lacey gets a date card but wants a romantic date, not a trip to the friend zone. After asking basically everyone, she settles on Diggy, the guy who like one day ago kissed her so maybe she should've followed that thought sooner. This date is presented by Jorge's Tourges, the travel venture of the show's former bartender. Teased on the date card as a visit to the "most romantic place," the trio go on a horseback riding adventure ending at the very beach where Jorge was conceived. Add this to my bucket list travel destinations. It's a successful romantic date that all comes crashing down quickly when Dominique from, let's say it together say it all together, Nick's season arrives. Her sights were set on Diggy and her friend Taylor confirms they'd be a good match. Diggy heads off for his second date of the day, which might just be a different area of the hotel they're staying at, admitting to Dom that he didn't really connect with Lacey. Diggy and Dominique definitely connect, making their way for romantic hot tub time. Lacey is not pleased and in tears, partially blaming Taylor for playing matchmaker. Love is fleeting in Paradise.

Danielle M isn't really feeling anyone in Paradise except for Wells the Bartender, but he's here to sling the drinks not chug them and aimlessly hook up. Turns out, they went on a date four years ago but chose to remain friends. Given that her love prospects are a flop and she got an amazing opportunity to do charity work in Africa, Danielle M chooses to leave Paradise. Everyone is disappointed to see Danielle M leave, especially someone who came to Mexico to find love. Before she leaves, Danielle heads over to the bar to say goodbye to Wells. Wells takes a break and walks Danielle out, and gives her a big ol' kiss. It's like a movie! Or a reality show. Could love have been lingering in Paradise for Danielle all along? We'll have to wait and see in a non-reality show setting, I suppose.

The last hour of the episode is a Demario/Corinne special, allowing some of the cast and both sides to speak about what went down that day that ended up shutting down production. And because this show truly is tone deaf, in the middle of this very special episode to address a serious subject, they bring newlyweds Evan and Carly out to have a sonogram on stage. I can't even.

[All images credited to ABC]

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Bachelor in Paradise: Highs and D-Lo's

Week 2 - Night 1

The women are dying for attention since the guys have turned Paradise into a frat party bro down. In comes Adam and he's ready to date, inviting Raven to join him for margaritas at a local restaurant. Raven explains her high hopes coming to Paradise, unsure of her options of Ben Z and Adam. Meanwhile, Adam did initially express some interest in Kristina but she declined due to her connection with Dean. Problem is, Dean is being real cagey and it's frustrating Kristina.

The Rose Ceremony is actually finally going to happen, but there's the cocktail party first for some last minute connecting/campaigning. Raven's totally torn between dog lover Ben and Adam, who gets a pre-Rose Ceremony kiss. Sweaty Robbie decides to pursue Amanda, but she declines his invitation for a kiss. Alex thought he was a shoo-in for Amanda's rose before, but not desperately seeking out someone to give him a rose. Lacey was really down at the beginning of the episode, but a smooch sesh with Diggy seems to turn her spirits around. While their road was a little rocky, it sees Jasmine and Matt are back on track. Dean requests from Kristina that they slow down, allowing her to make a Rose Ceremony decision and pursue more options.

Chris Harrison comes out to remind everyone the goal of Bachelor in Paradise is love and no one audibly laughs in his face. The women are handing out the roses and here's the breakdown: Taylor/Derek, Jasmine/Matt, Raven/Adam, Alexis/Jack Stone, Lacey/Diggy, Danielle/Ben, Kristina/Dean, Amanda/Robbie. Leaving Paradise are Iggy, Alex, St. Nick, and Vinny.

Danielle L aka D-Lo is the first new girl to enter the scene and the guys are all like ow-oooooo-ga! Kristina's simmers with rage when Dean accepts D-Lo's date invitation to ride ATVs while wearing extremely ripped jeans. Kristina wonders where the Dean who came with her to Kentucky went. Well currently, kissing D-Lo at a scenic overlook. Dean and Kristina talk about his date, admitting they kissed. But both admit they missed each other during the day, glad they can be open and honest with each other. Just when things seem peachy keen with them, Dean gets up and surprises D-Lo a half birthday cake. Aw hell no. Kristina walks off the beach to her bed in tears.

[All images credited to ABC]

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