The Bachelor: Don't Tell, Show (and Dump)

Finale - Night 1

Chris Harrison and the producers get into a van to hunt down Colton, Live PD style. Eventually, they retrieve an emotionally exhausted and dejected Colton walking down the street and is ready for this whole thing to be over. The next morning, Chris Harrison comes to talk to Colton in his hotel room and the dude is heartbroken over going on without Cassie. He was falling for the other two girls, but in love with Cassie and thinks she loves him too but having two other girls in the picture scared her. "Or she's just not that into you," says Chris Harrison, the blunt speaker of possible truths.

Colton decides to not just tell but show Cassie she's the one. And so Colton heads to Tayshia's hotel room and ends things with her, so much so as saying he straight-up loves Cassie to Tayshia's face. Tayshia requests an off-camera conversation and her wish is actually granted of no-cameras, but their microphones are still on as they talk, cry, and hear pounding heartbeats. Tayshia grabs her purse and gets in the van to leave. Cut to, Tayshia reliving this at the live reunion in front of an audience and understanding that when he came to her hotel room and he seemed shaken she knew bad news was coming. Then Colton comes out with his hideous hair (WTF is happening dude??), and Tayshia wonders what was missing (he was all-in on Cassie, basically). Well I stan Tayshia for Bachelorette but I know this show will pick a blander choice, but please know Tayshia has my heart.

After what seems like 800 years, Hannah G actually appears on this show and is so excited for her Colton time. She has no clue what's coming and he informs Hannah G that he has stronger feelings for someone else and he loved Cassie. For a long time he thought it would be Hannah because she reminds him of "home" (what does that even mean??), but his heart went another way. She's crushed and blindsided. Even Colton doesn't know if he's doing the right thing and he sobs in the hallway, comforted by a producer. Colton wonders if he gave up a "for sure thing for something that isn't even possible." But he's willing to give it all up for Cassie. Cut to, Hannah G watching this all in front of the audience. Confused is Hannah's buzzword, but she's no longer in love with Colton because she deserves to be loved back. Hannah felt fairly led on with no reasons it would be a no (plus he got blessings), but why didn't she get maybe a little more of a chance? Colton didn't want to make her a backup plan because she didn't deserve it, and after the Cassie heartbreak he didn't want to be The Bachelor anymore and wasn't going to do a date he wasn't into. Hannah wants jumping-over-the-fence-for-me love and she's over this flop.

And THEN there's more filler, with ex-Bachelor Ben Higgins and Blake, Jason, and Garett - Colton's buddies from last season. It is not at all valuable.

Skip to, sad crying Colton knocks on the door to Cassie's room for a cliffhanger OF COURSE.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: Colton Jumps the Fence

Week 9 - Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All

It's Fantasy Suite week and we've been waiting all season for it. Not because we want to see Colton bang (but the show does), but because he finally jumps the fence that we've seen in all the previews! Off to Algarve, Portugal to get it started and maybe Colton will make sweet, sweet love to someone he's in love with.

Colton and Tayshia hop on a helicopter to escort them to an epic cliffside view where they rehash the visit to Tayshia's hometown and make a lot of virginity jokes. Bone zone or not, Colton knows this overnight time without cameras is a good time to really get to know another person. Tayshia understands Colton's resistance to talk about his virginity (Ummm it's like all we hear about), and she opens up that she only slept with her ex-husband before marrying him and he cheated on her. Tayshia's excited for the next step and since her boob keeps falling out of her romper, seems like she's very ready to potentially be Colton's first. But she's not. Maybe some things happened, maybe they just talked and slept, but Colton's virginity is still intact. Also still intact, the breakfast setup for them that they never touch because Colton leaves pretty early. Colton's not in love with Tayshia yet but says hey maybe, you can't force feelings.

For date number 2, Colton and Cassie go full tourist complete with a convertible, feeding each other dessert, checking out shops, and smooching against alley walls. Colton's totally smitten with Cassie and can't keep his hands off her, which is what he wants in a wife. In fact, Colton believes his night with Cassie may be the night he finally enters the Bone Zone. Cassie is falling for Colton but also wishes they had more time and is thrown for a loop when Colton reveals that her dad did not give the marriage blessing during hometown dates. The fact that Cassie's family isn't sold on her relationship with Colton makes her really confused, so the show really ups the ante.

As Cassie prepares for the night portion of the date, she gets a surprise at the door: her dad. Cassie's dad wants her to think really hard about this possible commitment and if she's truly ready because she seems conflicted. Cassie isn't ready for the relationship to end, but also isn't sure about a potential proposal at the end. Sooo, the gossip in the house that she wasn't ready isn't totally wrong. Dad tells Cassie that you can't force feelings and there shouldn't be any doubt when she's found the one. And with doubts swirling in her mind about everything, Cassie heads to the night portion of the date and makes a bold decision: she's ending things with Colton. She loves Colton but she's not in love with Colton. He's absolutely crushed because he's in love with Cassie and wants to be with her and will be patient if she wants time. And thus begins Colton's breakdown after getting his heart destroyed. He hightails it out of his unused Fantasy Suite and bolts, hopping over the fence, and gets lost in the wilderness somewhere. Will we ever find Colton????? Oh yeah, probably, because he's at the Women Tell All.

And just when this week should be over, it's the Women Tell All special AKA be noticed enough to ensure your Bachelor in Paradise slot. So we get to endure Nicole and Onyeka again, and Courtney trying to shove a pacifier into Demi's mouth. You can't even hear what the women are telling because they're all shouting over each other. Caelynn tries to defend the conversation her and Cassie had about being The Bachelorette, but Katie insists Caelynn wasn't there for the right reasons and admitted over-the-phone the truth. Demi gets in the hot seat because she's great, and for some reason, Nicole gets a visit to the hot seat because she cries a lot and free year's supply of Halo Top ice cream. Hannah B's hot seat visit is an obvious campaign for Bachelorette because of her staunch belief of thinking everyone deserves a strong love that loves them back, with Chris Harrison toasting to her finding "fierce love". Caelynn gets really emotional watching the playback video and was blindsided by Colton dumping her. Colton comes out with a really weird haircut? Or maybe the color? Weird makeup? It's very Jake Pavelka and that's not a compliment. Colton still has no good answer to give Caelynn any true closure except that he didn't love her. The fence jump is discussed and Colton explains it feels crappy to not be loved back and just because you're The Bachelor doesn't mean you're invincible and guaranteed to have every girl love you. Then the bloopers roll and Colton says "Nailed it!" A LOT. And so now we wait to see how Colton's love story will end? Is this a psych-out like past seasons? Will Hannah G get a Fantasy Suite? Does Colton chase after Cassie? Has Colton banged? All answers to come in in the finale.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: Colton's Falling In Love with Everyone

Week 8 - Hometown Dates

Caelynn kicks off hometown date week at the highest level: a horsedrawn carriage to get soft serve ice cream. Then comes the whole meeting-the-family-part where apparently they invited any distant relative for a barbeque. Caelynn's stepdad can't stop watching from a distance out of fear they're making hasty decisions (or just dude hates PDA and watching his daughter get fed). Caelynn's mom is having a hard time processing meeting Colton and then in like a week, her daughter might be engaged to him. Caelynn's stepdad recommends instead her and Colton be friends. I mean, it's a possibility if she gets to be The Bachelorette. While Colton is falling in love with Caelynn, he knows there are more discussions to have. Good thing they would have one whole Fantasy Suite date to cover those looming questions! Stepdad questions if Colton is really ready to be married, but with some assurance gives his blessing. I'm sure Caelynn's mom is totally cool with it, but no need to asked her. Now that her family can see their connection, Caelynn ends the night by telling Colton she loves him.

Hometown date #2 brings Colton to Birmingham, Alabama to meet Hannah G's family. But first, Hannah brings Colton to etiquette lessons to get trained on being a southern gentleman (not re-enacting A League of Their Own like I hoped). After Colton learns the proper way to eat a roll with butter, the teacher basically says be yourself and protect Hannah or something. I forget, I just really want a roll with butter now. Onto dinner where Colton makes what seems like a nice toast but Hannah's mother doesn't like it, especially knowing that her daughter could be heartbroken at the end. Hannah's sisters bring up the virginity and she isn't bothered by it. Hannah assures her mother her feelings for Colton and genuine, and her mother accepts her growth as a woman. Colton gets dad's blessing and never talks on-camera to Hannah G's mom nor gets her blessing. Hey guys, moms care too. Anyways, Hannah tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he's falling in love with her. Sound familiar?

Colton arrives in Orange County, California only to be immediately blindfolded by Tayshia and brought to the airport for some skydiving. Colton accepts the payback for making Tayshia bungee jump with him previously and enjoys the ride. Or fly? As the sun sets by the airplane hanger, Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he's falling in love with her. That's 3 for 3! Tayshia's family is welcoming of Colton but also very protective since she's been through a divorce before. Dad says just don't lead Tayshia, or any of the women, along in this process and be honest with Tayshia if Colton is dropping "I love yous" to everyone (fun fact: despite saying he would, Colton at no point has told Tayshia he's given the same schpiel to all the women). This dad, however, isn't as quick to give a marriage blessing because he just met this dude. Tayshia and her dad have a great heart-to-heart about how much Colton means to her but also his concerns as a dad not wanting to see his daughter hurt, but he also trusts her instincts and decides to give the blessing afterall.

Last stop is Huntington Beach, California to see Cassie and get a surfing lesson. Cassie feels strongly for Colton but isn't dropping the ILUs as easily as the others. Cassie's dad is giving a watchful eye as Colton is all touchy-feely on his daughter, wondering if he does the same with the other girls (yes, he does). Cassie gushes to her sister about Colton and thinks maybe she's falling in love with him, but doesn't want to feel rushed to say it and sees the potential that's why she's sticking around. Her sister says if there's any doubt, don't feel pressured into it. Colton tells Cassie's mom he's falling in love with her and they have undeniable chemistry, which is a weird thing to tell a mom. Dad reminds Cassie she's 23 and doesn't need to rush into a forever decision. Despite the nice talk together, dad can't give a premature blessing and it's a downer for Colton. Also, Cassie doesn't end the date with an "I'm falling in love you" like everyone else so it's another kick in the balls for Colton.

The four women reconvene at a fully re-done barn or something for the Rose Ceremony. Someone won't be going to the potential Bone Zone with Colton and he has to follow his heart to get there. Hannah G, Tayshia, and Cassie receive roses, which blows my mind to see Caelynn gone as I thought she was kind of a shoo-in. Caelynn feels like an idiot for thinking this was going to work out and even picturing their future together, but it's hard to not picture the future when Colton literally tells you he sees their dog and kids and stuff. Caelynn leaves crying, while the other 3 start pondering what's going to happen in the Fantasy Suites with virginal Colton.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: Where's the Truth?

Week 7

So long Asia, we're heading home! No, literally home for Colton because they're off to Denver, Colorado. After the warning from three different women that there are still girls in the competition that "aren't ready," Colton needs wisdom and guidance. Enter Ben Higgins! Ben nods while Colton talks about his dilemma about falling for multiple people, then they hug it out. Then the girls meet Colton's dog and try to put on their best "I'm here for the right reasons" face.

Colton takes Tayshia on a tour of his favorite places with his dog and I'm here for any date where a dog gets to have ice cream. Colton tells Tayshia he knows she's not a wrong reasons girl, and while Tayshia is hesitant to say something so honest she believes the recently departed were referring to Cassie and Caelynn, supposedly discussing being the next Bachelorette and saying they're not ready to get engaged. After being forced into the tattle tale spot, Tayshia and Colton head to an Airbnb apartment to cook dinner with Colton and talk a bit about her family before hometown visits. Tayshia's dad is potentially going to be a hardass since she was married before, but she's confident he'd be happy to give a blessing because she's so happy. Colton gives Tayshia the rose and they celebrate their pending hometown visit with a makeout session while Tayshia wears an "Underwood" football jersey.

Caelynn's 1-on-1 date takes her snowboarding with Colton and he puts on a truly exceptional happy face considering he's heard that she's not there for the right reasons. The snowboarding lesson is brief before cutting to the serious convo and she's upset and frustrated because she insists she's here for an engagement to Colton. It ruins the whole date as dinner is super uncomfortable and not just because it's in a random log cabin or something. Caelynn tells Colton she's totally herself with him and falling in love with him (and he with her). It's a fairly somber date overall but ends in a rose and a private concert at Red Rock Amphitheater. Good thing she got the date or this Brett Young dude and his band would've set up for no reason.

Caelynn fills Cassie in about what was said about them, then heads downstairs to confront Tayshia. Tayshia defends herself and apparently, all the girls noticed Cassie and Caelynn being most defensive about the allegations so they agreed it was them. Well, guess this friendship is over.

On the last 1-on-1 date of the week, Colton takes Hannah B to meet his family which seems like a big step and also weeks before this usually happens. Even weirder: Colton brings Hannah B to meet his family, even though he isn't feeling love for her yet and she's saying she's in love with him. Seems... mean and misleading? Colton gets actual advice worth listening to from his dad, a major upgrade from Ben Higgins (sorry Ben). Since Colton is really serious about finding his wife and sussing out the liars, he asks Hannah B to basically defend her love for him. Colton appreciates her honesty and open heart, but is honest with himself and isn't sure he is there with her and can't go to a hometown asking for a hand in marriage if he has doubts. And with that, we lose Hannah B.

The group date girls board an old choo-choo train with Colton which is less Murder on the Orient Express than I hoped. Not even a Hercule Poirot "right reasons" investigation in the dining car? Shame! On her alone-time, Heather shows her maturity by telling Colton she can't take him to her hometown when she's not totally feeling him, so it's off to the caboose for her. No seriously, she leaves alone on the caboose. There's still the Cassie of it all, and everyone knows these aren't lies. She insists she's there for Colton and doesn't understand why they'd make up these lies. Kirpa knows what ending an engagement is like and doesn't want that for Colton, so she provides the solid evidence of the two girls getting defensive after the last rose ceremony. Cassie gets upset that Kirpa threw her under the bus again, and Kirpa believes what Katie said. Well, this is going nowhere. Colton holds onto the date roses for later at dinner to make this drag out even longer. He quickly gives Hannah G the rose because he was practically banging her last week and she's not in the drama. But the drama ain't over guys because Caelynn just rolls up on the date to tell Colton more truths, but then they cut away! Colton returns and gives his rose to Cassie, because he's falling for her regardless of the she-said-she-said.

WTF happened? No idea.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: A Punch to the Face (and Heart)

Week 6

At the Rose Ceremony, Colton easily cuts Onyeka and Nicole because it was obviously coming and also they spent the whole cocktail party throwing each other under the bus. Both are upset but take solace in the fact that the other girl was cut. That's the spirit!

Colton brings Hannah on his first 1-on-1 date in Vietnam for a sexy spa day where they make out while wrapped in banana leaves, sitting in mud, and in the shower. Both share a love for showering. Hannah G opens up at dinner about her parent's divorce and since Colton is also a child of divorce they bond more. And by bond I also mean kiss. Hannah G gets the date rose, a slow dance, and a voiceover that Colton is falling in love with Hannah.

A group date invite sends Demi into tears as she expected to finally get a 1-on-1 date. Good thing she can fight out her feelings with a vovinam date (that's Vietnamese partial arts for you who don't want or don't feel like Googling). Chris Harrison co-hosts the fights with the host of the Vietnamese Bachelor and their chemistry is like Colton with most women: non-existent. At the night portion of the date, Demi really pulls a big move by having Colton call her fresh-out-of-jail mom with her. On the other side of the spectrum, the girls not getting as much attention as the clear front-runners verbalize their displeasure and Colton feeds them the Kool-Aid that it's all OK. Sydney gets the saltiest to Colton's face about being deserving of a 1-on-1 and while Colton keeps trying to string her along because of this show, Sydney decides to leave because she actually wants a magical relationship. Colton's still working out I guess how much love he has to give or something, but he gives his date rose to Tayshia while kind of looking like Debbie Downer.

Kirpa gets the final 1-on-1 this week and that's because we haven't had anyone get dumped unwillingly outside a Rose Ceremony yet. Colton kicks off their sexy fun time by solemnly discussing Sydney's departure. Then they snorkel together and over dinner, Kirpa reveals she was engaged to a virgin who she was with for 8 years and Colton reminds us yet again his lack of boning is not related to religion. Shockingly, Kirpa is not dumped on this date (and I had to rewrite this paragrah) and gets a date rose.

Demi feels her connection with Colton is pretty strong so she decides to get gussied up and show up at his hotel room. Demi tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he "appreciates it." But that's not the lowest point for this moment. Colton tells Demi he doesn't see a future with her and he can't drag her feelings along like this until a Rose Ceremony. Poor Demi is dumped but we know her true love awaits her in Paradise.

After explaining that "Things have definitely changed here in Vietnam" and not meaning it as a deep history lesson about war, Chris Harrison lets the girls know the cocktail party is CANCELLED. Oh noooo. Katie (who?) doesn't get a rose and leaves Colton with an ominous warning that there are girls remaining who aren't ready and Colton is shook.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: Heather Been Kissed

Week 5

Heather gets the first 1-on-1 date in Thailand and if you thought "Will Colton lose his virginity?" was an annoying question, imagine a whole date around "Will Heather have her first kiss ever with Colton?" The pair take a boat out to this amazing floating city with shops and food - book my ticket, please! Heather is waiting for her perfect first kiss but is totally OK licking the same ice cream cone as Colton which I find far more intimate (and germy) than a smooch. At dinner, Heather explains she dated a guy for 8 months and they didn't kiss because it just never happened/wasn't right and even Colton sees the no kissing as a red flag. But that doesn't stop Colton from giving Heather the date rose and her first kiss ever under a sky full of fireworks.

Elyse becomes the first girl to snap from "the process" of harem dating on a reality TV show. Elyse puts on her most flowy ethereal dress and heads to Colton's hotel room to explain she needs  time and attention for a true relationship, which is non-existent in this show. Colton's into her but she can't share his time with other people and then be expected to get engaged at the end of this. Girl, this is the WRONG show. Elyse quits the show because she knows she can't accept a proposal at the end of dating for a cumulative time of maybe four days. Someone.... actually is upset at themselves for choosing to be on this sham of a show? I'm speechless.

Ok my speech is back and we're onto the group date. A wonderful guide gives Colton and his ladies training on how to survive in the wild, like identifying poop, eating bugs, and touching creepy crawlies. Colton confronts his fear of snakes by letting one sit on his neck so that's progress. While Colton and his group of ladies scavage for food, somehow (AKA producers handed) Demi and the Hannahs bring plates of burgers as the food they "found." What a laugh! Colton is super into Tayshia because she snuck him away for mid-food-scavaging kissing and they kiss on the beach. Hannah B will see your sneak-away kissing and up the ante with the "I'm falling in love with you" line. Onyeka decides to pull Colton aside to tell him that honest Elyse said Nicole is using this show as an opportunity to "leave Miami." Nicole's upset, Tayshia defends Nicole that the conversation was misconstrued, and it's all a mess.

Cassie finally gets a 1-on-1 date with Colton and take a boat to their own private makeout island. Like that's ALL they do. Barely talking, just nonstop ocean kissing. Fast forward to nighttime where they stop full on making out for a while (but still continue periodically kissing) and talk about the ol' virginity bomb we hadn't heard in like a week maybe. Turns out Cassie's "community" (whatever that means) doesn't know she's not a virgin and will find out because of this show. So you can't be a virgin, but you also can't not be a virgin on this show? Help, I'm confused. Somehow they end up snuggling and smooching in a bed and Colton tells Cassie he's "crazy about her." Of course she has a date rose because Colton's way into her and hopes she's all-in too. Foreshadowing???

At the cocktail party, Colton lights a lantern with Tayshia, gets a trust ring from Demi, and has Kirpa check his teeth. Nicole tries to assure Colton that she's genuine and here for real love, but then decides to throw Onyeka under the bus by saying Onyeka has been bullying her the entire time. Onyeka is appalled by these accusations and confronts Nicole and as they go back and forth, for some reason Colton decides to join and listen to their redundant argument. He realizes this is pointless and annoying and literally walks away from the entire cocktail party to avoid this bullshit.

[All images credited to ABC and Fanart.tv]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: Leapin' and Leechin'

Week 4

The girls are released from their California mansion prison and jet set off to Singapore in their first destination of love.

Tayshia receives the first 1-on-1 date in Singapore and while Colton feels their relationship isn't as strong as others, he still enjoys her company. Well, nothing will develop a bond quite like an extreme Bachelor date going bungee jumping, which leads to some ocean smooching. Over dinner, Tayshia opens up that she is divorced. Colton appreciates her openness and gives her the rose, following by a makeout session in one of those fancy Ferris Wheels that are tourist traps.

Colton gets leech therapy which is only the second most sucking he gets on this date as thirteen women vie for his attention on the streets of Singapore. Hannah B fears Colton is ignoring her after Caelynn called her manipulative, so she eats a fish eye to impress him and then immediately grabs him on the night portion of the date to express her feelings and it's all OK again. Colton and Cassie kiss despite being told in a past life they were siblings. Demi is an attention hog, but gets vulnerable by revealing that her mom was just released from prison. Courtney is complaining about no Colton time because she's not getting up an interrupting, then gets pissed at Demi for getting two alone-time moments when she's had none. Demi gets the group date rose for showing another side to her, sending Courtney into tears that Colton likely acknowledges that he had no alone time with Courtney and doesn't care.

A hotel butler hand-delivers Caelynn's date card where Colton "spoils" her with a shopping spree on production's dime. She gets all these fancy gowns and yet she wears none of them to the night portion of the date but I guess the bedazzled feather gown can be worn any time. Caelynn opens up to Colton on a new level and reveals 4 years ago she and her friends were sexually assaulted after their drinks were spiked, the legal system failed her, and all but one guy got away with it. It's a beyond awful story and Caelynn is a strong woman for sharing such a hard story on national television. Colton opens up about his ex that also experienced sexual abuse (not named, by Olympian Aly Raisman) and has seen first hand already how traumatic this can all be and how much it affects a person and intimacy. For all the bullshit we've had to deal with on this show, this is an important discussion the show allowed to breathe and be true and to that, I give them kudos.

But back to the normal shitstorm that is The Bachelor. Colton admits he barely knows anything about Hannah G since she's slow to open up, but he still digs her and they really make out on a bed. Meanwhile, the other Hannah and Caelynn call a truce. Courtney makes some passive aggressive comments about Demi, so Demi tells Colton that Courtney is not deserving of his heart and he shouldn't waste his time. Courtney is appalled when she learns that she's been dubbed "the cancer of the house" and says that's Demi. Wrong reasons alert for Demi! But all this do anything to save Courtney and she leaves along with Tracy. Looks like Demi won those battles.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: Beautiful Monsters

Week 3

The first group date girls head off to a live pirate show where the two best lady pirates battle head-to-head in front of a crowd (Tracy and Caelynn). Hannah B confesses to Colton that her and Caelynn are former pageant friends but had a falling out and implies Caelynn is a bad person. Colton feels confused by Hannah B saying there's no way he could be attracted to the both of them given their personality differences, but he ultimately chooses to give the group date rose to Caelynn. She wants to be happy but can't because Hannah B shit all over the night with drama. All over this overshadows everything else that happens which is pretty much Demi calling Tracy old again and blindfolding Colton and massaging him with a mannequin-hand massaging.

Colton takes Elyse on a helicopter ride to San Diego for their 1-on-1 date and it feels like producers dropped in this helicopter just to try to grab my interest. The pair get an entire theme park rented out just for them and their group date companions: kids! One little girl watches the show with her mom and I truly wish that child said, "They should have picked Blake" but alas, not so lucky. Colton runs a charity for children with cystic fibrosis so this is a date that means a lot to him and there are no virginity jokes, so A+ there. On the night portion of the date, Elyse reveals her sister passed away after childbirth due to a cancerous tumor and they also started a charity in her honor. Elyse gets the date rose AND a "private" concert in front of an audience. The sugar high from the cotton candy was much needed for this long but awesome date.

Actor Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca host the "Bachelor's Strongest Woman" competition to be declared the strongest of them all. Chris Harrison and Fred Willard are there to provide commentary as the women do impossible challenges that surely will give them hernias or other medical problems. Teeny Caitlin miraculous pulls a limo (thanks producers!) but Onyeka wins the trophy - and cake! Colton is very turned on by all the "strong, confident women" and does a lot of night-date kissing. Except with Caitlin where it's not progressing and there's no chemistry, so Colton cuts her loose early.

The house is shook at Chris Harrison's announcement that there's no cocktail party... cause there's a pool party! Colton hopes to lighten the mood while also getting the answers to his lingering questions with no shirt on. Colton assures Hannah G that their connection is very solid, that's why she didn't have a date this week. Hannah B wants to forget that she spent time shit-talking Caelynn, then decides to let her "beautiful monster out" should Caelynn dare talk shit about her. Caelynn does use her Colton time to say that Hannah B is manipulative and deceitful. Hey, it's what Hannah B called her too! But who is telling the truth? Hannah B tells Colton that if he picks Caelynn, he wouldn't ever see the true her. Oh his brain does not compute and the pool party is ruined.

At the Rose Ceremony, Colton keeps Hannah B so looks like we can "enjoy" this storyline for at least another week. Or until a 1-on-1 date.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: Don't Touch That Rose

Week 2

Comedians Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman host the first group date where all the girls have to share their "firsts." It's boring overall minus Megan and Nick's cursing and sexual overtones. Elyse bravely talks about being over 30 on this show and Tracy tells a story about dating a virgin and getting punched in the face. Demi tells how "she got the first group date rose" by walking off stage a kissing Colton. The girls don't like Demi's 'tude/confidence and when Demi deigns to touch the group date rose on her own accord and not by the hands of Colton, Tracy confronts her. It leads to pretty much nothing and over-30-Elyse gets the group date rose despite Nicole opening up about her austistic twin and Hannah G reminding him of "home" - whatever that means.

Hannah B gets a birthday treat (is ittttt?) with a 1-on-1 date with Colton riding horses in the desert. Caelynn isn't happy her pageant rival Hannah B got the date and experts Hannah to shift her personality and snap or something. TV dating is not Hannah's forte so it's an uncomfortable date and a little cringey. After Colton encourages Hannah B that it's OK to not be perfect, so of course they talk about Colton's virginity. Ultimately, Hannah B opens up and gets comfortable so she gets the date rose and a kiss on an unmoving boat.

The second group date brings the girls to "Camp Bachelor" with grilling and games... and being shouted at by comedian Billy Eichner. When you have the dullest Bachelor ever, you bring in talent! The girls are divided into two teams to compete for a night at sleepaway camp or heading home early - like me when I went to YMCA camp in 5th grade! The red team wins more Colton time, which allows Heather to reveal to Colton that she's never even kissed a guy. One-upping the lead! Heather doesn't get a kiss from Colton but she does get the group date rose.

Come cocktail party, it's apparently turned into a young vs old battle which I imagine is divided by who can get a rental car and who cannot. Sydney gets interrupted by an air horn, so she returns the interruption by crashing a pan, and I'm pretty sure the caterers don't want their equipment damaged. The Tracy vs. Demi battle continues as a bathrobe-clad Demi interrupts Tracy's talk time to give Colton a massage. Demi apologizes, it's boring. Colton gives out roses, it's also boring and some women go home that I basically don't remember anyways. Not as torturous as week 1 but I still barely care. Thank you, next week.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More

The Bachelor: Colton's Horrible Premiere

Week 1

Colton the former NFL playing virgin is The Bachelor! I point out the virgin thing because it's apparently the crux of the entire season to get this guy laid - oh, and to find true love. The show knows we care so little for him that in the first 30 minutes his only appearance is in a framed photo. Instead, the show introduces many of his future girlfriends who all talk about Colton's virginity because again, there is literally nothing else about him. Eventually, we watch him parade around in many shirtless activities and acknowledges none of us wanted to see him as The Bachelor. But he apparently really fell in love last time and is ready to find his life partner on this show.

After an additional 25 minutes of filler content of franchise alumni, fan parties, and randos getting engaged, the show actually begins. I already hate this season.

The limos finally pull up and, of course, the first girl out throws out a virginity joke because, again, nothing else of interest. Most of the other girls give their standard greetings to make them not be total tools on TV, but there's always the exception. Caitlin makes him pop a balloon AKA a cherry, Courtney makes him each her peach, and Katie takes his V-card. Alex D takes her "Colton takes it slow" pun to the next level by dressing as a sloth and it's the only virginity joke I can tolerate because the costume distracted me. Hannah G gifts Colton with his favorite underwear: an empty box because he wears none. Heyo, freeballin! Tracy the wardrobe stylist arrives in a cop car as fashion police and it's so forced that I can't even. Some girls bust out second languages, but Bri stands out with her Australian accent - which is totally fake as a way to stand out. Erin, whose career is "Cinderella" apparently, arrives in a carriage and leaves her shoe behind. And Catherine brings her dog Lucy because I'm guessing she couldn't afford a longterm dog sitter.

Colton comes inside and gives a speech about being ready and excited for "all of this" and I'm glad one person feels that way. He gets one normal conversation before getting the "Why are you a virgin?" question (his personal life took a backseat for his career and he's waiting for the right person/moment) Then it's back to bonding and he shares his first kiss of the season with Miss North Carolina Caelynn. Catherine the dog girl interrupts women two times, gets a light scolding from Onyeka who tells her to chill, so Catherine interrupts another time. Content creator Hannah G in her shimmering gown gets the first impression rose for reminding Colton of home. Honestly guys, I paid maybe 35% attention to this and I know I should be recapping legit but like, this is basically a journal about reality TV and I make about $100 every 7 years from the blog so I'll say what I feel like. This is my Bachelor downward spiral.

At the Rose Ceremony, Colton gives out a bunch of roses and the last rose goes to "fourth time's a charm" interrupter Catherine. Colton cuts a lot of girls I don't remember but one is the sloth so guess she'll always have that onesie. I'd much rather have that onesie than Colton, TBH. Fingers crossed this season improves because lords and ladies, that was a painful three hours.

[All images credited to ABC]

---

Read More