Reality Rundown: An Amazing Lack of Reading

The Amazing Race 23 - Week 1

Starting at an old west movie town which I'm praying is Bonanza City from Kid Nation, eleven teams meet to begin the crazy race around the globe. This season's pairings include former NFL teammates, theater performers, exes, cousins who call themselves "Afganimals," NHL ice crew teammates (AKA hot girls with cleavage), married ER physicians, father/daughter, oil plant workers, bearded childhood friends, a dating couple, and baseball wives. Man, they really tried to hit all the pro sports this season, huh?  The teams line up and learn from Phil they'll first be heading to Chile for their first destination, and first place wins an Express Pass for them and another team.

The teams meet and greet at the airport before arriving in Iquique, Chile to find their next clue from a fella named Javier.  That clue is the season's first Road Block where one partner follows the other, oh and the other person is paragliding (awesome).  And really isn't the cabbie the one doing the following?  Still, the chance to paraglide over Chile is pretty fantastic.  One of the baseball wives loses her shit about paragliding because someone is always afraid of heights and dying on television.  Once the follower finds their partner back on land, they drive to Muelle Prat for the next clue.

Muelle Prat's by the water and it's a second Road Block for the other teammate (the paraglider).  They have to row around crappy boats and collect fish from three specific boats.  But guys, sea lions are around!  The Afhanimals didn't read the clue properly and the wrong cousin started the Road Block and they have to switch.  After getting fish funk on them, teams get to race over the Pit Stop.  Nicole and Travis, the married doctors, arrive first but incur a 30 minute penalty for taking a taxi when the clue instructed them to"make their way by foot."  This error lets Tim and Marie (the exes) slide into first position and win the Expresses Passes.  The father/daughter team fall behind, then mis-read the clue like the Afganimals and have to switch. They check in hours after everyone in the dark of night, so that's a real downer to go out first and be so far behind.

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Reality Rundown: Bestie Betrayal

Finale! The Amazing Race • Survivor: Caramoan

Finale! The Amazing Race - The teams take a train, then boat, to Northern Island to drive yet another Ford product placement car. The first clue is Roadblock is to bog snorkel through some murky, nasty water in under four minutes. The wetsuit and googles only block so much mud from getting all up in their biz. The teams drive back to Belfast for their Detour which is to serve a five course meal based on the Titanic menu or create graffiti art at a skateboard park. The Titanic dinner was weird to me, with the haunting violins and even getting some old dude who looked like the captain there. Creepfest. Everyone blunders at the dinner over the course menu (the seating chart has two courses, the other three come from a bigger board) and not knowing the color of chartreuse. Roller derby moms Mona/Beth really struggle, even after Bates/Anthony tip them off. Way behind because they had a hard time at the bog, the country singers do the graffiti task.

Max/Katie and Bates/Anthony check in at the same time, getting them a spot in the finale. Max/Katie also win a trip to the Dominican Republic with butler service- fancy! Mona and Beth check in as team number three, rounding out the final three. The country singers are eliminated from the race and will probably never look at a snorkel the same way again.

The final leg begins with a bit of mystery of where the actual final destination is.  To learn the answer, they must travel by ferry to Liverpool and grab a pint at a bar.  Cheers-ing their delicious pints, the clue reveals the final leg of the race will happen in Washington, DC.  Since the airline counters are closed until 5:15AM, all the teams are on even footing.

Lincoln Memorial is the location of the first clue, specifically the exact spot where Martin Luther King delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech.  From there they head to 1100 Pennsylvania Avenue to get a picture with the president, but the derby moms tell their cab driver the White House which is 1600.  The teams are pumped to meet the president... except duh, it's a greenscreen. Max is relieved he doesn't have to meet the democratic president in person because that's just horrendous.

After the bit of photo magic, teams head to the Tidal Basin to knock ominously on a marked car to receive a briefcase with their next clue.  It's a Switchback Roadblock to be a "spy master" by asking a bunch of paid extras being spies the secret password until they find someone who has the clue.  It's like Where's Waldo IRL except they're all dressed like Men in Black.  The spy gives them a locked briefcase which uses a combination based off their finish positions at various pit stops on the race.  Inside the briefcase is, of course, another clue that sends them to Nationals Park to catch balls being dropped by their teammate who is high-wired and flying above.  So cool, especially adding in the humiliation factor of wearing lame mascot costumes.

There's one last challenge before the finish line, which is the memory challenge with a bit of a twist.  There's a big bin full of globes with countries outlined. One teammate has to wade through the giant ball pit to find globes with the countries they visited on the race, while the other teammate puts them in order.  Bates and Anthony have a considerable lead over the other two teams but have a hard time finding Indonesia. It doesn't matter at all because they finish way before the other teams even arrive at the challenge.  The finish line is at George Washington's Mount Vernon and it's Bates and Anthony the hockey players who win the race and the million dollar prize.  Katie and Max arrive second, Mona and Beth third.  So I guess it's better than the Stanley Cup? IDK.

Survivor: Caramoan - With the numbers dwindling and the game getting competitive, a likely next target to take out is Cochran.  He's won challenges, a good gamer, and a nice guy AKA a shoo-in to win.  Erik is just bored to death, hungry, and miserable, comparing the experience to prison.  Then tries to shimmy up a high tree to reach the coconuts that taunt him from afar.  He's beaten down and could really use some motivation.  Hey editing, what might cheer Erik up??

A Sprint product placement phone shows up in tree mail with videos from home.  After a teaser the survivors get the in-person experience as their loved ones show up on the island.  Following the usual routine after a reunion of hugs, tears, and gawking at the skeletal frames of the contestants, the survivors compete in a reward challenge with their loved one to get time together offshore at a backyard barbeque.  The challenge is to unscrew rails, ala dizzy bat, and toss bolos onto the rails.  Burgers, beer, and apple pie on the line? Get your crap together, guys.  Brenda and her dad Raymond win reward and choose to bring Dawn and her husband along.  Twist alert!  Their second loved ones are all on the island too, which makes Sherri lose her shit crying on the ground.  Probst gives Brenda an awful choice to either bring another person with her/Dawn OR give up her/Dawn's loved ones so the other four can get family time.  It's audible sobs thanks to this asshole twist.  Brenda gives up her time/Dawn's time so the other four can chill with their family.  Anything for the prize I guess.

A boat brings Cochran, Sherri, Erik, and Eddie to their floating barbeque party.  There's crying and grilling, some just like your normal family function.  Cochran's dad works the grill while the others shovel food in their faces in the most repulsive ways.  Beats sucking peanut butter off each other's fingers.  Meanwhile, Dawn and Brenda can see the festivities from camp and Dawn cries a bunch more.  Brenda will get all the credit, but Dawn lost something too and won't get any votes for her sacrifice since she had no choice.  Plus she's hungry.  Brenda tries to lift her spirits but knows she definitely pissed Dawn off in the process of making good with the others.  Cochran tells us his mom whispered to him that Brenda's choice was a game-winning move and knows that it may be time to move in and take out the likable ones from the game (just like they're thinking about him).

Dawn wins immunity this week in an endurance challenge to lean over the water, gradually being lowered until they drop.  Her and Brenda really compete because Brenda doesn't want to give up which they'll say is a pride thing but should be a sign that Brenda ain't here to trust anyone and wants to win.  The assumption is tonight's vote will be simple elimination of Eddie.  Buuuuut there's stronger players.  Cochran would prefer to see Brenda gone as it's a better move for himself, Sherri, and even Dawn.  Cochran's concern is Brenda is a good competitor and could go on a sweep of the rest of the challenges.  Dawn is definitely torn about how to vote, concerned with taking out Brenda before Eddie (what if Eddie wins the final challenge? LOL RITE). Dawn wants to play her own game and not get swayed... what'll she do?

Tribal time!  Dawn is so happy she won immunity, calling it a Bucket List item.  Brenda's glad Dawn won it, Eddie knows his fate is possibly sealed by losing again.  Brenda says sending home her loved one was hard and easy at the same time.  Everyone says that Brenda making this move makes her a lovable saint.  Probst says this season hasn't been predictable which I'd agree with because this alliance refused to ever take a full stance and relied on split votes every single week until now.  1 vote Erik, 2 votes Eddie... but 3 votes Brenda.  "I was honest with you guys. I was genuine with you guys." Brenda says before getting her torch snuffed.  You're damned if you do, damned if you don't with stupid prizes.

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Reality Rundown: Second-Time Blindside

The Amazing Race &bull Survivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - The race moves onto Edinburgh, Scotland to drive a different product placement Ford. "Caution, U-Turn Ahead," warns the clue. Katie/Max, hockey players, and country singers are aligned and plan to U-Turn Meghan/Joey and the roller derby moms. There's a moment of joy for Meghan/Joey and the derby moms when they get on the early flight, but the others are able to finagle their way onto an even earlier flight. So lots of excitement and hoopla editing for nada.

At a stunning estate named Gosford House (it looks like Scottish Downton Abbey!), the teams encounter their first clue: a Detour to play bagpipes while walking around. It hurts my ears but internally I laugh a lot at all the double entendre of country singer Caroline's inability to blow and tired mouth from blowing. Stop #2 on the race is another classy home, the Craig Miller castle, where they find their Detour clue. This week's Detour is to fill an ox's intestine with other gross organs, seasonings, and oats or roll whiskey barrels. The hockey players choose the barrels because, duh, jocks. They also show off their strength by carrying, not rolling, the barrels. The puddin' stuffing gets even more annoying by some dude in historical garb reciting a poem about haggis. Before the roller derby moms can indulge in their haggis making dreams, they have to play skittles (it's ten pin bowling with no holes in the ball) for the Speedbump for surviving non-elimination.

The U-Turn is finally crossed and the hockey players arrive first. They U-Turn Meghan/Joey, who are unable to U-Turn anyone as they U-Turned another team in a previous leg. Max/Katie then U-Turn Mona/Beth (derby moms), so double shitty tasks for them. I think it's unfair to have Speedbumps and U-Turns on the same leg as it allows a team to be doubly screwed. The Pit Stop is a cobblestone alleyway, which is a cool change of pace from monuments and giant estates. Max and Katie are able to better navigate and arrive minutes before the hockey players. Greeted by Jekyll and Hyde (and Phil), they win $10,000 each so looks like they'll be able to pay off that wedding real quickly. The bottom of the group complete the haggis Detour, then get kicked in the gut with the barrel rolling. Mona and Beth check in as team #4, which means entertaining Meghan and Joey are eliminated from the race.

Survivor: Caramoan - This week's immunity challenge is to straddle a floating triangle, balancing as they move up pegs until you're standing atop a bitty perch. Not only is this an immunity challenge, but Probst also has a little scroll of information for the winner. Eddie and Erik both leap off practically immediately when Probst offers donuts to quit. Eddie is a moron. The guys is in an alliance of two vs. six and on the chopping block. Please vote off this moron. Cochran quits shortly after for some hot dogs. As the survivors end up wearily balancing on their pedestals, the wind kicks in more and begins causing more of a struggle. Andrea and Brenda don't want to quit, promising to share the clue regardless of who won, so they make up their own rule to move to one foot. Brenda falls and Andrea wins immunity and information.

Realizing that Brenda might be a threat, Andrea regrets sharing the clue with her but shares it with her alliance. Erik finds the idol and hands it over to Andrea like a moron. Oh Erik, still so willing to give an immunity idol to a pretty girl. Even with the two obvious sacrifices of Eddie and Reynold around, Andrea brings up to Cochran the idea of blindsiding Brenda. It's quickly off to Tribal at the halfway point of the episode, so yay, two tribals! Probst asks why their tight alliance didn't make a deal at the challenge instead of battling it out. It's all about timing and now is too early to blindside of risk keeping physical competitors around. Reynold is voted off and heads over to the other side of the jury to join the jury.

Erik wins immunity in the second challenge of the week, an obstacle course and puzzle competition.  With the obvious move of Reynold out, it may finally be time for a blindside (because let's face it, Eddie's nothing).  Andrea begins her whispering to blindside Brenda out of the game at Tribal, confident she's got this lined up.  Andrea does have an immunity idol now and she'll play it if things seem wonky, but she's confident she's calling the shots.  Brenda's on the other side planning to vote for Andrea, blindsiding her instead.  Cochran's suggestion is to boringly split the vote AGAIN with Erik being the swing vote AGAIN.

Tribal Time... AGAIN!  Eddie relishes his position as being the odd man out and easily expendable any time, not necessarily tonight.  Everyone agrees with one thing: everyone is lying and everyone is making fake final three deals.  Andrea announces her hidden immunity idol, but everyone knows she has it and has only a couple more chances to play it.  The votes are cast and Andrea chooses to hold onto her idol.  The votes are read... and it's 2 for Brenda, 2 for Eddie, and 2 for Andrea.  "What?!" shrieks Andrea.  The last vote out of the barrel: Andrea.  Blindsided out of Survivor for a second time!

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Reality Rundown: Pig Brains and Peanut Butter

The Amazing Race • Survivor

The Amazing Race - The teams make their way to Dresden, Germany via another freakin' train (and plane). Bates the hockey player's bag gets stolen on the train, but he thankfully has his passport which is the only thing that matters. He's also 45lbs lighter which means they'll be even faster. This episode focuses heavily on the country singers and the hockey players relationship. They rely on each other, yet know it's a competition and can't decide when to sever ties. I truly do not care.

When they arrive in Germany they hop in Ford product placements and have to answer three trivia questions before they can get their clue and drive away. And we have to watch over and over. Ugh, we get it. The next clue is found at Brandenburg Gate, which sends them to the top of the Park Inn hotel. Both teammates have to base fly from the top of the 37 story building to the ground, which is pretty cool. They follow up this excitement with a Detour to set up a model train set or carry two big light up letters to the Museum of Letters. Thrills!! One of the hockey players breaks their giant V while asking for directions, so they switch Detours instead of starting over.

Afterwards, after Phil calls Berlin "the hippest city in the world," the teams complete a Roadblock to search a labyrinth clue maze. It's a bizarre underground club that's borderline haunted/weirdo/freakshow house. Most hate it but Joey loves it and demands him and Meghan return to Germany one day to experience it together. Max and Katie are far ahead of the other teams and check-in as team #1, winning a pair of product placement Fords. The hockey players are in last place and need a miracle to stick around, which translates to the roller derby moms getting incredibly lost. Both search the maze together and head off on a race to the Pit Stop. The hockey players follow the derby moms and easily defeat them in a foot race. But it's a non-elimination leg (again) so the roller derby moms are still in it.

Survivor: Caramoan - Everyone is exhausted from the amazing, mind boggling of Tribal Council. Erik feels he's in a great position able to side with either the bros or favorites whenever he feels. Brenda cries over losing control of the game... you still have six people. STFU.

Tree mail arrives with nine envelopes filled with cash: AUCTION TIME!! Immediately Malcolm gets beer, peanuts and pretzels for $20 eventhough he insisted he'd only spend on a game advantage. Reynold wins his bid but then gets choices under tents #2 and #3, but sticks with #1 and gets one slice of pizza (the rest of the pizza was hidden elsewhere and Sherri buys it all for $500). Dawn gets herself a whole roasted chicken for her entire bank. Malcolm luckily gets a game advantage for his remaining $480 and gets directions to a hidden immunity idol. Andrea gets a big bowl of pasta, garlic bread and wine but gives it up to get the tribe new beans and rice (to pee on). Brenda has this depressing attitude about bidding, which allows Cochran to outbid her for an immunity challenge advantage. She ends up bidding $300 and gets pig brain which goes to show her hesitance was warranted. Anyone with $20 can get a letter from home, which makes Dawn and Sherri cry because they blew their money on grub. Eddie wins a mystery item with a twist, which is a bowl of peanut butter for everyone to share. Brenda, dip the pig's brain in the peanut butter for a treat! The auction wraps up with the group messily licking peanut butter from their fingers and hands. And wiping it on their faces... OK.

Everyone returns to camp, smearing more peanut butter on their faces before weeping over letters from home. The gaming starts up when Reynold and Malcolm approach Sherri to join their side along with Erik. "If you don't beat them, you join 'em," Sherri says of the unstoppable bros. Malcolm sneaks into the woods in the darkness of the night trying to find the actually-hard-to-find immunity idol. I know it's buried, not in a tree hole! Andrea idol-blocks, refusing to leave Malcolm's side until the point that both leave together.

The immunity challenge this week is to hold a rope connected to a log, moving the rope lower to make the weight harder to bear. Cochran's advantage from his auction prize is that at any time in the challenge he can move his rope up two knots. Cochran takes his advantage after everyone drops two knots, so his will be less torturous than the others. Brenda drops first, followed by Erik. After getting past the last knot there's only bitty pieces of rope to hold, but Cochran is going strong with two knots higher to keep him lasting. The remaining three are Cochran, Reynold and Eddie and Eddie pre-challenge assumed he'd beat Cochran because Cochran's a nerd. Eddie's hands get all slippery and a blurred mouth for curse words later, Cochran wins a physical immunity challenge. And he's the top immunity winner thus far. Well I'll be damned.

The bros are nervous without immunity and no hidden immunity idol thanks to Andrea's hovering. They need to pretend they have an idol and get the six to split the vote. Malcolm works Sherri to get her on his side, casually mentioning they'll need to split the vote because he has an idol and he'll go to the end with her. Erik tells Reynold if it's supposed to be 3-3 he'll vote with the bros. Erik loves playing both sides, but it's a day of reckoning for him as he has to choose a side. Andrea suggests the women vote Malcolm, guys Reynold, and if an idol is played one of them goes. But Sherri is the one they need to worry about because she's ready to play the game.

Tribal time! Dumb Reynold says he doesn't see the tribe as six vs. three anymore, because he's a ding-dong. Andrea says anyone flipping will doom their game, especially because the bros are great at challenges (no, Cochran is they remind us). Everyone sort of forgets about Sherri who feels like being the only fan in a favorites alliance makes her the bottom. The topic is brought up that someone could flip and make the bro trio a foursome and change the game. The votes are tallied and no immunity idol is played, so the votes comes out of the barrel. It's a three-way tie between Reynold, Malcolm and Andrea which means a re-vote happens and Reynold, Malcolm and Andrea can't vote. Holy shizz. And it happens: Malcolm's torch is snuffed and my pre-show prediction fails again.

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Reality Rundown: Bros vs. the Fun Sponge

The Amazing Race • Survivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - The teams fly from Botswana all the way to cold, snowy Switzerland on the same flight so equalizer naptime for them!  And once they equalize and land, they have to wait until 8:55AM for the church with the clue to open.  The clue tells them to take another frakking train through the picturesque mountains to pick up a "Swiss rescue companion" AKA an adorable St. Bernard!  They take their St. Bernard on ANOTHER GODDAMN TRAIN to deliver their rescue dog to a mountain rescue guide.  At least there's adorable dogs to swoon over as we watch half an episode of train travel.

The next clue is a Roadblock is to scale Mount Eiger to retrieve a Travelocity gnome. Dogs and gnomes? Cuteness!  And in case you were wondering, they have to take a train to get to the mountain observation deck to start the climb.  The clue on the bottom of the gnome sends them BY TRAIN to retrieve their Detour clue from a dude tooting a big ass Ricola horn.  The next task is a rehash of one of the greatest challenges ever on this show: the cheese wheel.  This "Switchback" is to bring four big wheels of cheese down the hill on a sled, which is a lot more boring than last time. It's just cheese falling off a sled, not rolling down a mountain like boulder.  So basically the iconic, hilarious challenge is now associated with an uninteresting re-do of it.

Bates and Anthony check is as team #1 again and win a train trip around the world.  Just kidding, it's a trip to Bora Bora.  Joey and Meghan take horrible directions advice to find the Pit Stop and end up walking to the Pit Stop ages away when they should've taken a taxi.  It looks like Chuck and Wynona are safe, after spending most of the episode whining about being slow and then being overall terrible at challenges.  Turns out they didn't complete the cheese wheel task correctly (thou shalt not let thou cheese roll down the hill), so they receive a 30 minute penalty.  Joey and Meghan arrive at the Pit Stop, totally exhausted, but within the 30 minutes so Chuck and Wynona are eliminated.  Goodbye mullet, goodbye complaining.

Survivor: Caramoan - The teams break into two teams of five again for the reward challenge.  It's to traverse through a sloppy obstacle course to retrieve a bag of balls and shoot them into a tall basket.  The winning team gets a day at a resort complete with lunch, booze, shower, and a pool.  Malcolm's strategy for his team is to find all the bags for easy access later on, but Reynold copies him and does so much faster.  Purple slaughters orange, which sends Reynold, Erik, Phillip, Dawn, and Cochran on reward.  They chow down down on meat and scrub down in the shower, except Phillip who fills the pool with dirt, scum, and his nude privates.  Erik's tired of it!

Dawn is not having a great week.  Loudly sobbing in the woods, we learn Dawn lost her fake teeth retainer in the water, but Brenda's snorkel saves the day and Dawn's smile returns to normal.  She's also not sleeping, consumed by paranoia.  She fears Andrea will flip to Malcolm/Eddie/Reynold and vote her out.  Even Phillip is calling her a lunatic, and he should know the actions of a lunatic.  A good night's sleep helps Dawn and she wakes up seemingly normal again.  Stealth R Us has their plan together: four votes for Reynold, three for Malcolm in case of an idol.  Nothing will backfire at all!

The immunity challenge is to race across a platform and leap into the ocean, pull themselves across a rope underwater, and retrieve a ring to take to the other side.  Confusing to recap, as usual.  Phillip sits out of the challenge due to a childhood issue.  I don't know his backstory and if he had a prior water issue and I've never noticed whether he can or can't swim, but just a reminder last week's challenge was essentially to drown themselves.  It's an exhausting challenge for most of them, though of course golden boys Reynold and Malcolm are perfection.  Reynold, Malcolm, Brenda and Andrea compete in the final heat which upgrades from two rings to five.  The women stand no chance against the jocks.  Reynold wins immunity, foiling all plans to take him out... unless he's dumb enough to give up an idol again.

With Reynold immune, Phillip would still like to split the votes between Malcolm and Eddie (he's sure Malcolm doesn't have an idol).  Malcolm doesn't want to play his idol yet so starts searching for the new one.  Dawn and Andrea jokingly tease him about giving clues and sure enough, he puts his hand into a rock in front of them and finds the idol.  An idol not in a tree? Whaaaaat!  Stealth R Us plan to still shoot four votes Malcolm's way, hoping he won't play the idol.  If he plays it, there's still three votes for Eddie and he'll go.

Tribal time!  The bros acknowledge they are on the outs of the tribe with immunity meaning everything for them.  Malcolm's idol is brought out and he puts it around his neck proudly.  Probst brings up Phillip sitting out of the challenge, which he cites reminding him of a child incident getting stuck under a dock.  Fair enough.  Now here's where shit gets awesome.  Malcolm says his alliance is going to try to do something and he gives his other immunity idol to Eddie.  So the bro-down is totally safe and everyone is completely shocked that Malcolm's been hiding another idol.  Stealth R Us frantically whisper.  The bros laugh about being safe tonight but they know tomorrow the game begins again being six vs. three.  He lets the others know their votes will be towards Phillip because he's ruining the game.  What should be a fun time is being sucked up and turned into boredom by Phillip ("a fun sponge").  It's brought up that having the idols on proudly is one thing, but playing them is another.  What if it's all a ploy?  Cochran Survivor-fan nerds out, which is delightful because it's how we feel.

The votes are cast.  Probst tallies the votes.  He asks if anyone wants to play their hidden immunity idol.  Eddie plays his.  For a hot second it seems like Malcolm fooled them, but he plays his too.  And the votes come in.  Three votes for Malcolm don't count.  Four votes for Eddie don't count.  And here come the Phillip votes.  I may mock the bros, but they are my Survivor saviors ridding the game of Phillip at long last.

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Reality Rundown: Hey Guys, It's a Blindside

The Amazing Race - The racers remain in Africa this week, relying on cars to drive themselves to their various locations.  Some racers (country singers, Max/Katie) aren't so keen on speed limits and get tickets that have to be paid immediately.  So much for the "race" part.

The hockey players Bates and Anthony complete the Fast Forward of staying up on waterskiis for a mile in crocodile infested water.  There's no crocs while the ski, but we do see some creeping from the reeds after the task is completed.  The others teams proceed with the other tasks, starting with a Detour to deliver baby boats while paddling a carved out canoe.  And the goats are adorable!  The next clue reveals a Detour to play memory with animal cutouts or to get donkeys to haul firewood.  Even with a speed bump and having to pay their fine at the police station, Max and Katie avoid elimination.  It's BFFs Pam and Winnie who suck at understanding the cutout silhouette of a rhino vs. a hippo that gets them eliminated.

Survivor: Caramoan - Bikal and Gota merge into one tribe, living on Bikal's loser beach now. Their new big ass tribe celebrates with new green buffs, a name Edil Edam (Malcolm's mom's name backwards), and a chest of food and wine. Most importantly, the tribe flag they paint has a helicopter. H.R.E.A.M! Phillip begins his usual annoying scrambling to get his gang together and wipe out the fans first. Corinne and Malcolm whisper together about the awfulness of Phillip, and Malcolm lets her know he's got the Erik/Reynold/Eddie and she's got Michael. Six person alliance on the rise? First week, take out Sherri who no1currs. Second week, blindside the other favorites.

The first individual immunity challenge is something we haven't seen in awhile: a nasty eating challenge! I'm so excited for this classic Survivor throwback.  The delicacies going down the hatch include beetle larvae,  ship worms (ocean termites, basically), and balut (duck embryos).  Balut is so nasty, inside the shell, feathers and beak still on it.  I could vomit just looking at balut.  The final round is Cochran vs. Malcolm chowing down on pig brain which I'm sure is the hotness we all imagined.  Cochran "The Ginger Kobashi" pulls out a victory with a lovable grin and a bit of bragging cause he can get away with it.

Time for the alliance scrambles.  Malcolm and Corinne's alliance seems in place, but there's a few stragglers.  Phillip would like to split the votes between Eddie and Reynold, the two strongboys.  Corinne isn't a fan of splitting votes and recommends taking out Sherri since no one likes her anyways.  Corinne is tired of Phillip bossing them around and urges the other favorites to band together, defy Phillip, and vote as a solid block for Sherri.  Corinne's rage is sort brewing over and she starts maybe talking too much.  Corinne tries to bring Dawn in as their 7th, which gives Dawn flashbacks of her last time playing where she didn't forewarn the alliance of a betrayal.  So Dawn tells Cochran what's going down, who tells Andrea, who tells Phillip and now Corinne is in some major hot water.  Phillip demands Sherri vote with them and while she wants to stick around, Sherri wisely hates Phillip.

Tribal time!  The discussion begins about the fans being considerably outnumbered and likely to be picked off.  The favorites know that at some point they each will be blindsided or as Corinne sum it up "get punched in the face."  All things considered, a quick tribal chat with nothing that important happening.  The votes are cast with 5 votes pouring out for Sherri... until the Corinne votes start popping up, completely shocking her.  With 7 votes, Corinne is completely blindsided out of the game.

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Reality Rundown: Enjoy Your Diarrheafest

The Amazing Race • Survivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - The race begins by apologizing to Vietnam veteran families for maybe offending them last week at a B-52 bombing site.  With that sorry out of the way, the teams fly on the same flight to Maun, Botswana and then take charter flights to the Makgadikgani Pans National Park (had to pause to type that one).   Then, because we haven't seen enough transportation, the teams have to drive to their next clue.

The first clue is a Roadblock to dig for scorpions with a group of bushmen.  The bushmen rush up a tree when they see a lions, leaving Caroline the country singer on the ground for lunch.  The challenge isn't that hard considering the bushmen do most of the work, like putting it to sleep in their mouth (YEAH), and the racers just have to hold it for a hot second before it goes in a jar.  The bushmen aren't done yet and get to ride along to the next clue- roadtrip!  The clue is a Detour to make fire using sticks, grass, and zebra poop or set a trap that would catch a guinea foul but instead they have to impersonate a foul to set the trap.  The bushmen are good teachers, but building a fire is pretty tricky since it requires a bit of finesse and perseverance.  Which a lot of teams don't have and they switch to the fowl half of the Detour.  The bottom of the pack (Pam/Winnie, Chuck/Wynona) immediately choose to set up the trap and let's be honest, no one is surprised the rednecks picked this challenge

The hockey players Bates and Anthony check in as team #1 and they win a trip to Phuket, Thailand.  I'm sure they'll try to bring the country singers with them since this show is trying so hard to make us care about this maybe showmance.  News alert: no one cares.  The choice to set the traps first and not try to make fire gets Pam/Winnie and Chuck/Wynona in the 2 and 3 spot, which is pretty great considering they were looking like bottom contenders.  The derby moms and Max/Katie have a foot race to get to the Pit Stop, but it's Max and Katie that are last to check in.  The good news for them is it's a non-elimination leg which is no surprise at all. Yawn.

Survivor: Caramoan -  Tree mail says this next challenge will have the strong carry the

weak, so Bikal is shit out of luck.  But of course Phillip claims to be physical perfection, proving his strength by arm wrestling Cochran.  Yeah, point proven.  The reward challenge is to clip all team members together with belts and carrying 20lb sandbags, running around the ocean trying to catch the other team. Both tribes start slow, but begin to hustle.  Phillip complains about how he can't run, claiming the weight will take him down.  Slow Dawn makes the choice to drop out, giving her weight to Corinne.  Gota starts to pick up the pace to slaughter the terrible Bikal.  Phillip trips and falls, allowing Gota to easily catch Bikal and achieve inevitable victory.  The reward is a trip to the Survivor coffee bar complete with coffee, cookies, croissants and brownies AKA a sugar high and a case of the runs (and some tribal bonding).

At the Bikal beach, Corinne and Phillip at on each other's wits' ends.  Corinne wants to keep Michael, who's a decent player, while Phillip wants to keep Julia (who Cochran compares to the most boring vanilla flavor ever).  Julia listens but also knows Phillip is a plague that ruins the tribe and getting rid of him is smart, so she lets Dawn know all about her talk.  Dawn promises to keep this a secret, then runs to tell Phillip (who calls Julia's mistake a "foo pas."). The bros of Gota, Malcolm and Reynold head into the ocean for a chat because the strong guys will be the first to target.  Reynold opens up and tells Malcolm he has the idol, which solidifies his loyalty in Malcolm's eyes (Malcolm's idol: still secret). 

This week's immunity challenge is another "WTF, how do I summarize this one?"  So sorta like, three tribe members have to retrieve a statue from the ocean via boat, and that statue will eventually be lifted after a game of ring toss grapple to retrieve keys.  Oh yay, carnival games return.  Also, is someone's credit on this show locksmith?  Phillip does a good job helping his tribe catch up with his grapple tossing, but we know Reynold has been a season-long master of shitty carnival games.  Gota wins immunity because DUH.

Bikal returns to their camp, sulking again for being losers.  Phillip whispers a confession to Cochran: he didn't want to win the challenge because they had to get rid of a fan.  Oh Phillip.  You are out of your mind.  Phillip can't deal with being the cause of a loss, so he claims he threw it instead.  Cochran loves the delusion, laughing about it in his interviews.  The favorites suggest splitting the votes between Michael and Julia, but Corinne doesn't care for it.  Corinne wants Julia out and knows there's no idol since Malcolm has it; she suggests they band together and vote together to give Michael confidence.  Phillip doesn't like it, surprise, and keeps claiming the Boston Rob (called "B.R." by Phillip) knowledge is telling him to get rid of Michael to weaken Corinne.

Tribal time!  What becomes apparent at Tribal is that Phillip and Corinne butt heads, a lot.  It's about an end goal of sticking together, which they have to keep in mind and tolerate it.  Phillip admits he lost the challenge for the tribe, but doesn't admit his alleged throwing.  Michael becomes a topic of discussion because he could be perceived as a target just because Corinne wants to be his friend.  Julia talks about something too but she's such a nonentity that I don't even rewind to catch what she said.  The votes are split into a 3/3 tie for Michael and Julia, forcing a re-vote.  Forgettable Julia is eliminated with a goodbye bow.

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Reality Rundown: Splash is a Flop

The Amazing Race • Special One-Off! Splash •
Survivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - The teams all make their way to Hanoi, Vietnam and to no surprise there's an equalizer to balance everyone out, not to mention a warning that a U-Turn is head. Everyone is shocked that frontrunners Jessica and John were eliminated, especially their alliance mates the derby moms and the YouTubers. Dave and Connor seek medical advice during the wait time and agree to drop out of the race this leg. Turns out running the world on a torn Achilles is a bad idea. Who knew?

The remaining teams first have to complete a Roadblock to listen/watch a patriotic Vietanemese song performance that praises communism, then find a quote from the end of the number on paper. The teams then perform a bamboo dance which means hopping off candy-painted sticks for their next clue. It takes the rednecks multiple tries because they pay attention to nothing, ever. The clue is a Detour to retrieve ingredients and prepare pho or set up human chess pieces. The chess is a treat because it's a bunch of annoying American dragging these poor costumed Vietnamese people around. The pho task becomes tricky due to language barriers, but the stupid rednecks Check and Wynona continue to be idiots by not reading the clue telling them to carry a basket of chickens. Best friends Pam and Winnie U-Turn the YouTubers Meghan and Joey, who in turn U-Turn Chuck and Wynona to stand a chance in the race. Chuck and Wynona are the last team to check in but since Connor/Dave quit, they get to stay in the race one more leg thus making these U-Turns pretty pointless except maybe to stir up drama.

Special One-Off! Splash - You likely don't know this, but growing up I was a diver. From nine to fifteen nearly daily I'd go to the pool and train, but I quit because I couldn't do a front flip. Deal with it. Well this means I can speak to ABC's Splash with a moderate level of authority cause I've done it. Now you may be confused thinking you already saw this show with Real Housewives' star Kim Richards doing a pencil dive (that's a jump), but alas Fox just tried to jump in early. Splash is here now, after totally bombing in the UK, and we've got "celebrities" to participate.

The series kicks off with an elaborate number of synchronized swimmers, flips off the platform, break dancers, and the blaring of Pitbull. The show's host? Some chick Carissa Thompson and JOEY "Whoa" LAWRENCE. There are ten celebrities, but only five will compete on night one. Mentoring the "stars" is Olympic legend Greg Louganis who will make divers out of these belly flopping, well, flops. The judges are America's first gold model diver since ol' Greg, David Boudia, and an Australian diver now the US Performance Director Steve Foley. How does the show work? Five divers perform, the bottom two then face off in a head-to-head round and the lowest score is eliminated. It's the two judges scores, plus a crowd vote. No degree of difficulty? Bullshit!

First to dive is Keshia Knight-Pullam AKA Rudy from the Cosby Show. Now if you think this show is taking the diving seriously, I'd say the sequined cut-out swimsuits would disagree. What is this, Circus of the Stars? Anyways, Keshia does a handstand into the water (feet-first, like a jump). Along with her score, Keshia gets a condescending demonstration of a handstand by Davidb. Fat comedian Louis Anderson enters the pool in a big yellow robe, unveiling a shiny black shirt and shorts with yellow/green camoflage. It screams "Watch the fat man splash!" Louis dedicates his dive to the troops, decides to instead dive from 23 feet instead of 16, then proceeds to essentially lean and fall hands above his head into the pool. And yes, he does splash (a lot) and gets a standing ovation from his "celebrity" peers. And for the record, Louis scored better than Keshia which means a belly flop by a fat person with courage is better than a legit dive.

Miss Alabama Catherine Webb is most well known for being ogled on TV by a sports announcer, does a back somersault with a fair amount of splash since she landed like a mess. Extreme skier Rory Bushfield (should I know who he is?) heads all the way up to the 10 meter (33ft) platform and does a back somersault with twists. What the hell?! A legit double somersault with a twist? Well I am shocked and yet David Boudia says next week Rory should do a real dive head first. STFU Boudia. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wraps up the main diving portion in his Lakers colored baggy wetsuit and is the only competitor to use the springboard.  He does a single back flip and lands sloppy like Catherine, but he at least understands why his dive wasn't clean.  And in case we needed another lesson, David Boudia does a backflip. SIT THE HELL DOWN, DAVID BOUDIA.

The judges scores account for half, while the live audience/crowd vote makes up the remaining half.  The two lowest scores are Catherine Webb and Keshia, because a pity party vote for Louis Anderson led to some bullshit.  It's a dive off.  Catherine does a forward dive (aka swan dive) into the pool from 23 ft and it doesn't even look good, but the height alone is apparently what people care about and not the dives.  Keshia does a back somersault, rotating a little in her landing.  Keshia gets eliminated for not going to a higher board, despite having a cleaner dive.  And that is when I officially decided to never watch this again. Diving is not about the height of the board.  It's about crisp, clean divers and talent.  Awarding someone for a sloppy basic front dive just cause they went from a high platform?  A load of crap.  This show sucked, but maybe I was expecting too much.  Who knew that the laughable Stars in Danger: The High Dive would be the more legit competition?

Survivor: Caramoan - The two tribes meet up for their presumed reward challenge and moan about tribal unit the shitty tribe experience Brandon brought upon them.  But are given a bit of a surprise: a paint-filled egg slam tribe switch-up.  The new Gota AKA hot people tribe is Eddie, Reynold, Andrea, Malcolm, Sherri, Erik, and Brenda.  Bikal (or as Jeff called them "Purple") is now Corinne, Phillip, Michael, Matt, Cochran, Julia and Dawn.  It's a new game again and probably most screwed is Corinne, but she was screwed beforehand so whatever.  Both tribes are sent off to bond, each given flint and a new batch of rice in case say some dickhead spilled the entire stash into the sand.

Gota is a stacked tribe of young, good looking, strong people (and Sherri).  Speaking of, Eddie and Reynold throw Sherri under the bus immediately for never aligning with them.  Sherri does the same to the girls of the tribe, explaining Reynold played an idol and is probably hunting for #2.  The favorites love knowing the dissonance between the guys and Sherri and will use that as a split vote advantage should they lose.  Meanwhile at Bikal, a new batch of castaways now have to learn to tolerate Phillip, so best of luck to them.  Corinne would love to align with Michael due to her love for gays, but knows she has to be loyal to Phillip, Dawn, and Cochran.  Phillip tells Corinne how he's got Julia and she can flip to their side, but Corinne wisely explains you don't need someone to flip at this point. 

The newly jumbled tribes head to their first challenge as the new Gota and Bikal.  The challenge is to roll big as crates to put together a staircase that says "Fans vs. Favorites" on the side.  Physically, Gota definitely has the advantage on Bikal, able to flip those crates crazy fast.  Even on the brains side, Gota is killin' it and even almost kills Reynold by knocking him off the structure.  Bikal is sucking big time with no puzzle building logic.  Gota wins immunity while Bikal has barely put together any element of the staircase.

Bikal returns to camp and gets an annoying, preachy, wannabe inspirational Phillip speech.  Corinne would love to flip and get rid of Phillip, but he's loyal and it's a numbers game.  Phillip actually isn't loyal and campaigns to others to vote off Corinne.  No surprise, Phillip makes an offer to bring Matt and Michael into Stealth R Us and give them goofy nickname if they vote the way they're told.  Corinne and Cochran try to see what Matt and Michael are thinking about the vote, and Cochran notices those two have a strong bond. It's narrow down to ginger beard Matt and quiet Julia.

Tribal time!  The fans aren't totally dumb in knowing there's a divide and they'll be picked off.  Corinne maybe blabs a little too much about loving gays and wishing she could dump current alliance members for Matt/Michael.  Always haunting any tribal is the possibility of a hidden immunity idol being player.  Matt insists he doesn't have the idol, which Corinne trusts but also knows it's a game where you need to lie and hide.  Phillip explains it simply: if you have an idol, you better play it or else you might be going home.  Cochran calls the other tribe "The Bold and the Beautiful" and doesn't know if a dork like him would be in with them (aww Cochran, you're a treat).  Matt and Michael both vote for Julia (Julia votes for Dawn), but they're the ones getting hosed: all the favorites vote off Matt sending him off into the jungle.

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