Survivor Caramoan: Cochran Wins Fans vs. Favorites

Finale! Survivor: Caramoan

After Tribal Council, Erik is super weak and disoriented. He has to sit from the dizziness, so Probst comes over and brings along a doctor. The doctor is concerned he's in a starvation state and his body has been pushing him hard. They give him some intravenous fluids to pump him back up. Eddie shows he's not totally useless and explains what's going on with his EMT knowledge. He might be terrible at the game, but he's wise at what he actually knows Erik wants to push through, but Doctor Joe insists: Erik must be pulled from the game. Everyone wishes Erik good luck and sends goodbye as he lays on the ground like a tired corpse. And then there were four.

Treemail announces a reward challenge which was probably an immunity challenge, but they've got a two hour finale to fill.  The challenge is to steady a balancing board with one hand while the other hand builds a house of cards.  The winner doesn't get food as expected, but instead a scroll with an advantage for the final immunity challenge.  Showing how fragile it is, a mere loss of balance makes Cochran drop his entire stack, with Sherri following after.  Dawn is getting close to the top, but her hand is really shaky and the entire stack falls.  Eddie takes the lead... then his stack falls.  Stacks are falling over and over which is nerve-racking but boring to recap.  Cochran wins his third immunity challenge and now heads into the last challenge with an advantage, something that helped him survive last time.

Cochran realizes the only person left he hasn't bonded with is Eddie so he needs to try to finagle that angle to guarantee a spot at the final Tribal.  Eddie and Cochran shake on keeping Sherri and eliminating Dawn.  Sherri agrees with getting Dawn out because of all her sympathy votes, like crying all the time and having a lot of adopted kids.  Dawn's having another one of her doubting freakouts to Cochran, whose getting pretty annoyed by her.

A boat picks up the final four for the final immunity challenge.  But first, fallen comrades!  This gives all us viewers to tilt our heads and go "Who?" when we see all these random fans who were eliminated early on.  The final challenge is a pretty epic setup, though I think it's rehabbed from the first challenge of the season.  They have to race up a flight of stairs, grab puzzle pieces, slide down a water slide, and build a fire puzzle.  Cochran's advantage is that he doesn't have to untie the bags of puzzle pieces like the others.  You'd think this is nothing much, but the bags are knotted pretty well which gets Cochran a pretty good lead.  But he's not so great at actually doing the puzzle, so the others catch up and start to pass him, but he gets into the swing of it.  Cochran wins immunity, again, and Dawn gets super excited and weepy about his victory.  Now Cochran has earned a last-name only status, being a challenge beast.

Cochran douches it up a little, wondering who he wants to take along to receive second place behind his impending victory.  Dawn fully trusts Cochran, but she's really neurotic.  Eddie makes his plea to come to the end, pointing out he's an idiot and wants to use his prize money to open a bar where you can bring your dog.  Cochran is definitely bringing Sherri to the end, an easy win, but he isn't so sure if it's easier to beat Dawn or Eddie.  And so in the comes the jury for Tribal Time!  There's talk about Cochran's victories and Eddie self-admits he didn't play super strategically, not involved with sending anyone in the jury home except Phillip.  Sherri says she might not say a lot, but takes it all in.  Eddie tells Cochran that he believes the best shot at a Cochran win is to take Eddie and Sherri.  Cochran's vote is secret but he says it's the only person he thinks could beat him.  Eddie is voted off, leaving Cochran, Sherri and Dawn as the final three.

The final three enjoy their day 39 feast, a good meal before heading off to be grilled by the bitter jury.  Sitting on their logs at the final Tribal Council, Cochran, Dawn and Sherri give their opening speech of why they deserve to win.  Dawn says she's humbled and had a lot of emotion over being duplicitous, but stuck to her plan to have one tight ally (Cochran) and play for herself.  Sherri admits being a successful businesswoman and her nerves get the best of her in her completely awful, unmoving speech.  Cochran finds his experience surreal, being a diehard fan that dreamt of this his whole life while being a calming leader who even won challenges.  Cochran says it's about beating people in timing, which is maybe the best statement I've heard.

And then comes the bitter jury.  Malcolm gets to question first, because he's the hottest.  Malcolm nixes Sherri immediately, tells Dawn that she has to own up to playing cold-hearted, and asks Cochran what quality he has over Malcolm that got him further.  Cochran said it was his insecurity which then led him to take out others with plans.  Eddie asks Sherri if she'll admit if she got carried to the final three and the jury laughs when she says she doesn't believe she was carried.  He calls Dawn weak and paranoid.  Eddie wants to know if Cochran would be bros after the game and he says yes, but there will be two women around him.  Phillip rescinds his invite for Sherri to be in Stealth R Us, mocks Dawn's paranoia and whining, and Cochran played a great, straightforward class-act game. 

Then comes Erik, who got a little food in him and found energy.  Erik felt betrayed by Dawn over her Brenda move and wonders if Sherri has any awareness over why she's in the finals.  Erik calls Sherri "a seashell on the beach" who was just there the entire time doing nothing.  Sherri tells him to sit down and she doesn't need his help.  Michael gives Dawn the opportunity to explain why Cochran is getting away with a devious game vs. her (it's because she betrayed best friends).  Cochran's cool with Dawn being the villain cause it's helping him for sure.  He insists that his role of pseudo-therapist is probably what kept Dawn in the game.  Reynold thinks Dawn has been a fraud since day one, but she didn't realize the way she acts came off as phony.  Reynold wants Dawn to describe him and after much ploying she says he's chauvinistic, a great sense of humor, and vulgar.  Basically Reynold wants Dawn to be a bit mean and admit it.  Andrea isn't bitter, asks Cochran what animal he played like (chameleon) and understands where Dawn is coming from. 

Last is Brenda, who felt betrayed by Cochran eliminating her after the family visit when she "gave" him that.  He says he admits the game from emotions and in real life, he doesn't do this.  He also explains he had to take her out before she took him out.  The ultimate betrayal was Dawn, which makes Brenda tear up, and brings up Dawn's teeth and would Dawn have quit if she didn't get her teeth back.  Brenda's request: TAKE OUT YOUR TEETH.  Dawn wonders if this is a humiliation thing and Brenda says it's a matter of not minimizing the action she took rescuing the dentures from the riverbed.  Dawn takes out her teeth.  This shit is ruthless.  Just a complete shocking WOW moment.  And for nothing cause gurl, you ain't winning.

With that shitshow over, the jurors vote and then Probst takes off with the jug of votes to magically appear with them at the reunion and high five the audience.  Cochran, Dawn and Sherri are all cleaned up and sitting on the Tribal Council set in front of a live audience.  Probst wastes a lot of time asking the final three questions and I just want him to STFU as I'd like to pause this reunion special and watch Game of Thrones.  The winner of Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites is... COCHRAN. Duh, guys.

The stage this time around only has the jury and finalists, no pre-jury contestants.  Probst points out that this time around Cochran had much more confidence.  He said it was liberating to embrace his weirdness and not care how he was being perceived by others.  It's such a great story to see a diehard fan like Cochran reach the top dream of any fan of this show and win.  The reunion transitions to Dawn and kicks it off with a Dawn freakout crying supercut.  Dawn defends her gameplay and how she had to play dirty and be crappy to try and win.  What comes up almost immediately is how horrible the internet has been to Dawn, forcing her to quit Twitter.  Listen, I know I'm snarky and rip on people but there's a line people cross online.  It's a game, people.  Threatening lives and being outright nasty to these people is just stupid.  Live via satellite is pregnant Brenda, who felt hugely betrayed by Dawn after the blindside.  Speaking for the first time, Dawn apologizes and it seems the friendship is on the mend.

Other reunion stuff. Phillip invites random Survivor fans to watch episodes at his house and gives Probst a Stealth R Us name: the Piercing Eagle.  Boston Rob gets audience focus time because he has a book called "The Boston Rob Rulebook."  Malcolm says he's learned humility from playing twice and because he went two times in a row his muscle is a mess (still hot).  Also he did a bit spot on a soap.  Andrea thinks it was smart to blindside her since she was a strong player.  Reynold thinks the returnees advantage is knowing how to shut off emotions and play a game; noobs take it personally.  Probst interviews season one's Rudy, now 85, and still as awesome as ever.  Malcolm defeats Brenda for the Sprint Player of the Season.  The night wraps up with a preview of the next season, Survivor: Blood vs. Water, which they don't say what it is but [SPOILER] is returning players vs. their family members.

NOW EVERYONE, the most important part of every season. The crowning of the Pre-Show Winner Prediction champions.  As usual, I lost.  I hedged my bet on Malcolm again and lost.  But many of you had faith in Cochran and it paid off.  Ladies and gents, behold your trophies! (which I'll also tweet to you).  Congratulations on a season well-predicted!

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Reality Rundown: Bestie Betrayal

Finale! The Amazing Race • Survivor: Caramoan

Finale! The Amazing Race - The teams take a train, then boat, to Northern Island to drive yet another Ford product placement car. The first clue is Roadblock is to bog snorkel through some murky, nasty water in under four minutes. The wetsuit and googles only block so much mud from getting all up in their biz. The teams drive back to Belfast for their Detour which is to serve a five course meal based on the Titanic menu or create graffiti art at a skateboard park. The Titanic dinner was weird to me, with the haunting violins and even getting some old dude who looked like the captain there. Creepfest. Everyone blunders at the dinner over the course menu (the seating chart has two courses, the other three come from a bigger board) and not knowing the color of chartreuse. Roller derby moms Mona/Beth really struggle, even after Bates/Anthony tip them off. Way behind because they had a hard time at the bog, the country singers do the graffiti task.

Max/Katie and Bates/Anthony check in at the same time, getting them a spot in the finale. Max/Katie also win a trip to the Dominican Republic with butler service- fancy! Mona and Beth check in as team number three, rounding out the final three. The country singers are eliminated from the race and will probably never look at a snorkel the same way again.

The final leg begins with a bit of mystery of where the actual final destination is.  To learn the answer, they must travel by ferry to Liverpool and grab a pint at a bar.  Cheers-ing their delicious pints, the clue reveals the final leg of the race will happen in Washington, DC.  Since the airline counters are closed until 5:15AM, all the teams are on even footing.

Lincoln Memorial is the location of the first clue, specifically the exact spot where Martin Luther King delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech.  From there they head to 1100 Pennsylvania Avenue to get a picture with the president, but the derby moms tell their cab driver the White House which is 1600.  The teams are pumped to meet the president... except duh, it's a greenscreen. Max is relieved he doesn't have to meet the democratic president in person because that's just horrendous.

After the bit of photo magic, teams head to the Tidal Basin to knock ominously on a marked car to receive a briefcase with their next clue.  It's a Switchback Roadblock to be a "spy master" by asking a bunch of paid extras being spies the secret password until they find someone who has the clue.  It's like Where's Waldo IRL except they're all dressed like Men in Black.  The spy gives them a locked briefcase which uses a combination based off their finish positions at various pit stops on the race.  Inside the briefcase is, of course, another clue that sends them to Nationals Park to catch balls being dropped by their teammate who is high-wired and flying above.  So cool, especially adding in the humiliation factor of wearing lame mascot costumes.

There's one last challenge before the finish line, which is the memory challenge with a bit of a twist.  There's a big bin full of globes with countries outlined. One teammate has to wade through the giant ball pit to find globes with the countries they visited on the race, while the other teammate puts them in order.  Bates and Anthony have a considerable lead over the other two teams but have a hard time finding Indonesia. It doesn't matter at all because they finish way before the other teams even arrive at the challenge.  The finish line is at George Washington's Mount Vernon and it's Bates and Anthony the hockey players who win the race and the million dollar prize.  Katie and Max arrive second, Mona and Beth third.  So I guess it's better than the Stanley Cup? IDK.

Survivor: Caramoan - With the numbers dwindling and the game getting competitive, a likely next target to take out is Cochran.  He's won challenges, a good gamer, and a nice guy AKA a shoo-in to win.  Erik is just bored to death, hungry, and miserable, comparing the experience to prison.  Then tries to shimmy up a high tree to reach the coconuts that taunt him from afar.  He's beaten down and could really use some motivation.  Hey editing, what might cheer Erik up??

A Sprint product placement phone shows up in tree mail with videos from home.  After a teaser the survivors get the in-person experience as their loved ones show up on the island.  Following the usual routine after a reunion of hugs, tears, and gawking at the skeletal frames of the contestants, the survivors compete in a reward challenge with their loved one to get time together offshore at a backyard barbeque.  The challenge is to unscrew rails, ala dizzy bat, and toss bolos onto the rails.  Burgers, beer, and apple pie on the line? Get your crap together, guys.  Brenda and her dad Raymond win reward and choose to bring Dawn and her husband along.  Twist alert!  Their second loved ones are all on the island too, which makes Sherri lose her shit crying on the ground.  Probst gives Brenda an awful choice to either bring another person with her/Dawn OR give up her/Dawn's loved ones so the other four can get family time.  It's audible sobs thanks to this asshole twist.  Brenda gives up her time/Dawn's time so the other four can chill with their family.  Anything for the prize I guess.

A boat brings Cochran, Sherri, Erik, and Eddie to their floating barbeque party.  There's crying and grilling, some just like your normal family function.  Cochran's dad works the grill while the others shovel food in their faces in the most repulsive ways.  Beats sucking peanut butter off each other's fingers.  Meanwhile, Dawn and Brenda can see the festivities from camp and Dawn cries a bunch more.  Brenda will get all the credit, but Dawn lost something too and won't get any votes for her sacrifice since she had no choice.  Plus she's hungry.  Brenda tries to lift her spirits but knows she definitely pissed Dawn off in the process of making good with the others.  Cochran tells us his mom whispered to him that Brenda's choice was a game-winning move and knows that it may be time to move in and take out the likable ones from the game (just like they're thinking about him).

Dawn wins immunity this week in an endurance challenge to lean over the water, gradually being lowered until they drop.  Her and Brenda really compete because Brenda doesn't want to give up which they'll say is a pride thing but should be a sign that Brenda ain't here to trust anyone and wants to win.  The assumption is tonight's vote will be simple elimination of Eddie.  Buuuuut there's stronger players.  Cochran would prefer to see Brenda gone as it's a better move for himself, Sherri, and even Dawn.  Cochran's concern is Brenda is a good competitor and could go on a sweep of the rest of the challenges.  Dawn is definitely torn about how to vote, concerned with taking out Brenda before Eddie (what if Eddie wins the final challenge? LOL RITE). Dawn wants to play her own game and not get swayed... what'll she do?

Tribal time!  Dawn is so happy she won immunity, calling it a Bucket List item.  Brenda's glad Dawn won it, Eddie knows his fate is possibly sealed by losing again.  Brenda says sending home her loved one was hard and easy at the same time.  Everyone says that Brenda making this move makes her a lovable saint.  Probst says this season hasn't been predictable which I'd agree with because this alliance refused to ever take a full stance and relied on split votes every single week until now.  1 vote Erik, 2 votes Eddie... but 3 votes Brenda.  "I was honest with you guys. I was genuine with you guys." Brenda says before getting her torch snuffed.  You're damned if you do, damned if you don't with stupid prizes.

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Reality Rundown: Second-Time Blindside

The Amazing Race &bull Survivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - The race moves onto Edinburgh, Scotland to drive a different product placement Ford. "Caution, U-Turn Ahead," warns the clue. Katie/Max, hockey players, and country singers are aligned and plan to U-Turn Meghan/Joey and the roller derby moms. There's a moment of joy for Meghan/Joey and the derby moms when they get on the early flight, but the others are able to finagle their way onto an even earlier flight. So lots of excitement and hoopla editing for nada.

At a stunning estate named Gosford House (it looks like Scottish Downton Abbey!), the teams encounter their first clue: a Detour to play bagpipes while walking around. It hurts my ears but internally I laugh a lot at all the double entendre of country singer Caroline's inability to blow and tired mouth from blowing. Stop #2 on the race is another classy home, the Craig Miller castle, where they find their Detour clue. This week's Detour is to fill an ox's intestine with other gross organs, seasonings, and oats or roll whiskey barrels. The hockey players choose the barrels because, duh, jocks. They also show off their strength by carrying, not rolling, the barrels. The puddin' stuffing gets even more annoying by some dude in historical garb reciting a poem about haggis. Before the roller derby moms can indulge in their haggis making dreams, they have to play skittles (it's ten pin bowling with no holes in the ball) for the Speedbump for surviving non-elimination.

The U-Turn is finally crossed and the hockey players arrive first. They U-Turn Meghan/Joey, who are unable to U-Turn anyone as they U-Turned another team in a previous leg. Max/Katie then U-Turn Mona/Beth (derby moms), so double shitty tasks for them. I think it's unfair to have Speedbumps and U-Turns on the same leg as it allows a team to be doubly screwed. The Pit Stop is a cobblestone alleyway, which is a cool change of pace from monuments and giant estates. Max and Katie are able to better navigate and arrive minutes before the hockey players. Greeted by Jekyll and Hyde (and Phil), they win $10,000 each so looks like they'll be able to pay off that wedding real quickly. The bottom of the group complete the haggis Detour, then get kicked in the gut with the barrel rolling. Mona and Beth check in as team #4, which means entertaining Meghan and Joey are eliminated from the race.

Survivor: Caramoan - This week's immunity challenge is to straddle a floating triangle, balancing as they move up pegs until you're standing atop a bitty perch. Not only is this an immunity challenge, but Probst also has a little scroll of information for the winner. Eddie and Erik both leap off practically immediately when Probst offers donuts to quit. Eddie is a moron. The guys is in an alliance of two vs. six and on the chopping block. Please vote off this moron. Cochran quits shortly after for some hot dogs. As the survivors end up wearily balancing on their pedestals, the wind kicks in more and begins causing more of a struggle. Andrea and Brenda don't want to quit, promising to share the clue regardless of who won, so they make up their own rule to move to one foot. Brenda falls and Andrea wins immunity and information.

Realizing that Brenda might be a threat, Andrea regrets sharing the clue with her but shares it with her alliance. Erik finds the idol and hands it over to Andrea like a moron. Oh Erik, still so willing to give an immunity idol to a pretty girl. Even with the two obvious sacrifices of Eddie and Reynold around, Andrea brings up to Cochran the idea of blindsiding Brenda. It's quickly off to Tribal at the halfway point of the episode, so yay, two tribals! Probst asks why their tight alliance didn't make a deal at the challenge instead of battling it out. It's all about timing and now is too early to blindside of risk keeping physical competitors around. Reynold is voted off and heads over to the other side of the jury to join the jury.

Erik wins immunity in the second challenge of the week, an obstacle course and puzzle competition.  With the obvious move of Reynold out, it may finally be time for a blindside (because let's face it, Eddie's nothing).  Andrea begins her whispering to blindside Brenda out of the game at Tribal, confident she's got this lined up.  Andrea does have an immunity idol now and she'll play it if things seem wonky, but she's confident she's calling the shots.  Brenda's on the other side planning to vote for Andrea, blindsiding her instead.  Cochran's suggestion is to boringly split the vote AGAIN with Erik being the swing vote AGAIN.

Tribal Time... AGAIN!  Eddie relishes his position as being the odd man out and easily expendable any time, not necessarily tonight.  Everyone agrees with one thing: everyone is lying and everyone is making fake final three deals.  Andrea announces her hidden immunity idol, but everyone knows she has it and has only a couple more chances to play it.  The votes are cast and Andrea chooses to hold onto her idol.  The votes are read... and it's 2 for Brenda, 2 for Eddie, and 2 for Andrea.  "What?!" shrieks Andrea.  The last vote out of the barrel: Andrea.  Blindsided out of Survivor for a second time!

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Reality Rundown: Pig Brains and Peanut Butter

The Amazing Race • Survivor

The Amazing Race - The teams make their way to Dresden, Germany via another freakin' train (and plane). Bates the hockey player's bag gets stolen on the train, but he thankfully has his passport which is the only thing that matters. He's also 45lbs lighter which means they'll be even faster. This episode focuses heavily on the country singers and the hockey players relationship. They rely on each other, yet know it's a competition and can't decide when to sever ties. I truly do not care.

When they arrive in Germany they hop in Ford product placements and have to answer three trivia questions before they can get their clue and drive away. And we have to watch over and over. Ugh, we get it. The next clue is found at Brandenburg Gate, which sends them to the top of the Park Inn hotel. Both teammates have to base fly from the top of the 37 story building to the ground, which is pretty cool. They follow up this excitement with a Detour to set up a model train set or carry two big light up letters to the Museum of Letters. Thrills!! One of the hockey players breaks their giant V while asking for directions, so they switch Detours instead of starting over.

Afterwards, after Phil calls Berlin "the hippest city in the world," the teams complete a Roadblock to search a labyrinth clue maze. It's a bizarre underground club that's borderline haunted/weirdo/freakshow house. Most hate it but Joey loves it and demands him and Meghan return to Germany one day to experience it together. Max and Katie are far ahead of the other teams and check-in as team #1, winning a pair of product placement Fords. The hockey players are in last place and need a miracle to stick around, which translates to the roller derby moms getting incredibly lost. Both search the maze together and head off on a race to the Pit Stop. The hockey players follow the derby moms and easily defeat them in a foot race. But it's a non-elimination leg (again) so the roller derby moms are still in it.

Survivor: Caramoan - Everyone is exhausted from the amazing, mind boggling of Tribal Council. Erik feels he's in a great position able to side with either the bros or favorites whenever he feels. Brenda cries over losing control of the game... you still have six people. STFU.

Tree mail arrives with nine envelopes filled with cash: AUCTION TIME!! Immediately Malcolm gets beer, peanuts and pretzels for $20 eventhough he insisted he'd only spend on a game advantage. Reynold wins his bid but then gets choices under tents #2 and #3, but sticks with #1 and gets one slice of pizza (the rest of the pizza was hidden elsewhere and Sherri buys it all for $500). Dawn gets herself a whole roasted chicken for her entire bank. Malcolm luckily gets a game advantage for his remaining $480 and gets directions to a hidden immunity idol. Andrea gets a big bowl of pasta, garlic bread and wine but gives it up to get the tribe new beans and rice (to pee on). Brenda has this depressing attitude about bidding, which allows Cochran to outbid her for an immunity challenge advantage. She ends up bidding $300 and gets pig brain which goes to show her hesitance was warranted. Anyone with $20 can get a letter from home, which makes Dawn and Sherri cry because they blew their money on grub. Eddie wins a mystery item with a twist, which is a bowl of peanut butter for everyone to share. Brenda, dip the pig's brain in the peanut butter for a treat! The auction wraps up with the group messily licking peanut butter from their fingers and hands. And wiping it on their faces... OK.

Everyone returns to camp, smearing more peanut butter on their faces before weeping over letters from home. The gaming starts up when Reynold and Malcolm approach Sherri to join their side along with Erik. "If you don't beat them, you join 'em," Sherri says of the unstoppable bros. Malcolm sneaks into the woods in the darkness of the night trying to find the actually-hard-to-find immunity idol. I know it's buried, not in a tree hole! Andrea idol-blocks, refusing to leave Malcolm's side until the point that both leave together.

The immunity challenge this week is to hold a rope connected to a log, moving the rope lower to make the weight harder to bear. Cochran's advantage from his auction prize is that at any time in the challenge he can move his rope up two knots. Cochran takes his advantage after everyone drops two knots, so his will be less torturous than the others. Brenda drops first, followed by Erik. After getting past the last knot there's only bitty pieces of rope to hold, but Cochran is going strong with two knots higher to keep him lasting. The remaining three are Cochran, Reynold and Eddie and Eddie pre-challenge assumed he'd beat Cochran because Cochran's a nerd. Eddie's hands get all slippery and a blurred mouth for curse words later, Cochran wins a physical immunity challenge. And he's the top immunity winner thus far. Well I'll be damned.

The bros are nervous without immunity and no hidden immunity idol thanks to Andrea's hovering. They need to pretend they have an idol and get the six to split the vote. Malcolm works Sherri to get her on his side, casually mentioning they'll need to split the vote because he has an idol and he'll go to the end with her. Erik tells Reynold if it's supposed to be 3-3 he'll vote with the bros. Erik loves playing both sides, but it's a day of reckoning for him as he has to choose a side. Andrea suggests the women vote Malcolm, guys Reynold, and if an idol is played one of them goes. But Sherri is the one they need to worry about because she's ready to play the game.

Tribal time! Dumb Reynold says he doesn't see the tribe as six vs. three anymore, because he's a ding-dong. Andrea says anyone flipping will doom their game, especially because the bros are great at challenges (no, Cochran is they remind us). Everyone sort of forgets about Sherri who feels like being the only fan in a favorites alliance makes her the bottom. The topic is brought up that someone could flip and make the bro trio a foursome and change the game. The votes are tallied and no immunity idol is played, so the votes comes out of the barrel. It's a three-way tie between Reynold, Malcolm and Andrea which means a re-vote happens and Reynold, Malcolm and Andrea can't vote. Holy shizz. And it happens: Malcolm's torch is snuffed and my pre-show prediction fails again.

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Reality Rundown: Bros vs. the Fun Sponge

The Amazing Race • Survivor: Caramoan

The Amazing Race - The teams fly from Botswana all the way to cold, snowy Switzerland on the same flight so equalizer naptime for them!  And once they equalize and land, they have to wait until 8:55AM for the church with the clue to open.  The clue tells them to take another frakking train through the picturesque mountains to pick up a "Swiss rescue companion" AKA an adorable St. Bernard!  They take their St. Bernard on ANOTHER GODDAMN TRAIN to deliver their rescue dog to a mountain rescue guide.  At least there's adorable dogs to swoon over as we watch half an episode of train travel.

The next clue is a Roadblock is to scale Mount Eiger to retrieve a Travelocity gnome. Dogs and gnomes? Cuteness!  And in case you were wondering, they have to take a train to get to the mountain observation deck to start the climb.  The clue on the bottom of the gnome sends them BY TRAIN to retrieve their Detour clue from a dude tooting a big ass Ricola horn.  The next task is a rehash of one of the greatest challenges ever on this show: the cheese wheel.  This "Switchback" is to bring four big wheels of cheese down the hill on a sled, which is a lot more boring than last time. It's just cheese falling off a sled, not rolling down a mountain like boulder.  So basically the iconic, hilarious challenge is now associated with an uninteresting re-do of it.

Bates and Anthony check is as team #1 again and win a train trip around the world.  Just kidding, it's a trip to Bora Bora.  Joey and Meghan take horrible directions advice to find the Pit Stop and end up walking to the Pit Stop ages away when they should've taken a taxi.  It looks like Chuck and Wynona are safe, after spending most of the episode whining about being slow and then being overall terrible at challenges.  Turns out they didn't complete the cheese wheel task correctly (thou shalt not let thou cheese roll down the hill), so they receive a 30 minute penalty.  Joey and Meghan arrive at the Pit Stop, totally exhausted, but within the 30 minutes so Chuck and Wynona are eliminated.  Goodbye mullet, goodbye complaining.

Survivor: Caramoan - The teams break into two teams of five again for the reward challenge.  It's to traverse through a sloppy obstacle course to retrieve a bag of balls and shoot them into a tall basket.  The winning team gets a day at a resort complete with lunch, booze, shower, and a pool.  Malcolm's strategy for his team is to find all the bags for easy access later on, but Reynold copies him and does so much faster.  Purple slaughters orange, which sends Reynold, Erik, Phillip, Dawn, and Cochran on reward.  They chow down down on meat and scrub down in the shower, except Phillip who fills the pool with dirt, scum, and his nude privates.  Erik's tired of it!

Dawn is not having a great week.  Loudly sobbing in the woods, we learn Dawn lost her fake teeth retainer in the water, but Brenda's snorkel saves the day and Dawn's smile returns to normal.  She's also not sleeping, consumed by paranoia.  She fears Andrea will flip to Malcolm/Eddie/Reynold and vote her out.  Even Phillip is calling her a lunatic, and he should know the actions of a lunatic.  A good night's sleep helps Dawn and she wakes up seemingly normal again.  Stealth R Us has their plan together: four votes for Reynold, three for Malcolm in case of an idol.  Nothing will backfire at all!

The immunity challenge is to race across a platform and leap into the ocean, pull themselves across a rope underwater, and retrieve a ring to take to the other side.  Confusing to recap, as usual.  Phillip sits out of the challenge due to a childhood issue.  I don't know his backstory and if he had a prior water issue and I've never noticed whether he can or can't swim, but just a reminder last week's challenge was essentially to drown themselves.  It's an exhausting challenge for most of them, though of course golden boys Reynold and Malcolm are perfection.  Reynold, Malcolm, Brenda and Andrea compete in the final heat which upgrades from two rings to five.  The women stand no chance against the jocks.  Reynold wins immunity, foiling all plans to take him out... unless he's dumb enough to give up an idol again.

With Reynold immune, Phillip would still like to split the votes between Malcolm and Eddie (he's sure Malcolm doesn't have an idol).  Malcolm doesn't want to play his idol yet so starts searching for the new one.  Dawn and Andrea jokingly tease him about giving clues and sure enough, he puts his hand into a rock in front of them and finds the idol.  An idol not in a tree? Whaaaaat!  Stealth R Us plan to still shoot four votes Malcolm's way, hoping he won't play the idol.  If he plays it, there's still three votes for Eddie and he'll go.

Tribal time!  The bros acknowledge they are on the outs of the tribe with immunity meaning everything for them.  Malcolm's idol is brought out and he puts it around his neck proudly.  Probst brings up Phillip sitting out of the challenge, which he cites reminding him of a child incident getting stuck under a dock.  Fair enough.  Now here's where shit gets awesome.  Malcolm says his alliance is going to try to do something and he gives his other immunity idol to Eddie.  So the bro-down is totally safe and everyone is completely shocked that Malcolm's been hiding another idol.  Stealth R Us frantically whisper.  The bros laugh about being safe tonight but they know tomorrow the game begins again being six vs. three.  He lets the others know their votes will be towards Phillip because he's ruining the game.  What should be a fun time is being sucked up and turned into boredom by Phillip ("a fun sponge").  It's brought up that having the idols on proudly is one thing, but playing them is another.  What if it's all a ploy?  Cochran Survivor-fan nerds out, which is delightful because it's how we feel.

The votes are cast.  Probst tallies the votes.  He asks if anyone wants to play their hidden immunity idol.  Eddie plays his.  For a hot second it seems like Malcolm fooled them, but he plays his too.  And the votes come in.  Three votes for Malcolm don't count.  Four votes for Eddie don't count.  And here come the Phillip votes.  I may mock the bros, but they are my Survivor saviors ridding the game of Phillip at long last.

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Reality Rundown: Bro-Down and Out

Survivor: Caramoan

Survivor: Caramoan - The tribe splits into two teams of tribe for the reward challenge, which is to try to throw balls into a net to score (with one tribe member being a defender).  I think my favorite part is everyone's running start to throw while leaping into the water looks like the goofy throw I enjoy doing while shouting "Hooooops!"  Erik, Eddie, Cochran, Reynold and Michael win the reward to rapell down a waterfall and chow down on a picnic lunch.  A real bro-down full of open-mouth chewing, which excited Reynold who gets off on this jock stuff.  The guys pitch Cochran the idea of an all guys alliance, taking out the women who keep getting to the end (and winning) every season.  Thing is, Cochran is no bro and hates morons.

Eventhough ally Corinne is gone, Malcolm still feels strong. The fans like him and he's packin' an immunity idol.  Phillip brings Sheri into Stealth R Us because every goddamn person is in this fake alliance (she's OK with it because she tolerated Shemar).  Malcolm tries to finagle Sheri and Dawn to his side, who tell Andrea, and now Malcolm's on the radar.  Stealth R Us tell Malcolm they'll split votes between Reynold and Eddie, but in actuality they'll blindside Malcolm.  A lame love connection seems to be brewing between Andrea and Eddie.  While both are playing each other and hoping the other gets them farther, there's apparently an actual attraction. Yawn.

This week's immunity challenge is to get in the water under a steel grate.  The tide will come in and the water will rise, decreasing their space, and it's a matter of endurance.  Or drowning.  The water comes quickly so faces are pressed against the grates, hands are used to make snorkels to keep breathing.  Is this torture?  Brenda and Andrea are the final two, legs draped through the grates to keep them sturdy.  Andrea is gurgling but Brenda is motionless, not even noticing her victory unless someone moves her.  No one was voting for her anyways.  Honestly, I forget she's still here.

Malcolm feels this is the week to make a big move, so he tries to make good with the ladies.  Except they sense his lying.  Malcolm doesn't want Phillip out because he's a joke; he wants the actual leader, Andrea.  Dawn claims she'll be down with Malcolm if Reynold shows his idol, but Dawn points out Malcolm is dumb enough to listen to her again after she is the one who tattled on Corinne.  Reynold shows Dawn the idol and tells her not to screw him.  Except Dawn doesn't care for a threat.  When word gets around that the votes may be split between Eddie and Reynold, Eddie confronts Andrea about what's going on.  She won't say the final plans and Eddie warns her that if Reynold plays his idol, he's going home.  Then Andrea believes she's going home, so she caves on the plan and recommends a safer choice of Michael because he doesn't have an idol.  Dawn begs to vote Malcolm, whining that he doesn't have an idol.  Oh this editing is killing me!

Enil Edam arrives at Tribal Council and I have no idea what's going to happen.  Except the women are wearing Buddy Bands ("Hey, they work").  Phillip blabs about Stealth R Us and announces openly that Sheri has been brought into the crew.  Michael points out that their alliance is breaking because they took out a favorite before eradicating all the fans.  Andrea mentions that this is a game changing time, Phillip comments on it, and Malcolm begins to come-to and realize what could be going down.  Malcolm votes for Reynold based on confusion.  The tribe votes and Jeff tallies the votes.  When probed about playing an idol, Reynold stands up to play it.  Malcolm asks Reynold to "hold up" because he's sure all the votes are for him, not Reynold, and he needs that immunity necklace.  And Reynold does it.  Malcolm's votes against him won't count... except he gets no votes.  Three votes for Andrea come in, one for Reynold (that was Malcolm), and the rest pour in for Michael.  Michael is eliminated and Malcolm got played. BUT... it's Reynold's idol that's gone, not his.  Pretty sneaky, sis.

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Reality Rundown: Hey Guys, It's a Blindside

The Amazing Race - The racers remain in Africa this week, relying on cars to drive themselves to their various locations.  Some racers (country singers, Max/Katie) aren't so keen on speed limits and get tickets that have to be paid immediately.  So much for the "race" part.

The hockey players Bates and Anthony complete the Fast Forward of staying up on waterskiis for a mile in crocodile infested water.  There's no crocs while the ski, but we do see some creeping from the reeds after the task is completed.  The others teams proceed with the other tasks, starting with a Detour to deliver baby boats while paddling a carved out canoe.  And the goats are adorable!  The next clue reveals a Detour to play memory with animal cutouts or to get donkeys to haul firewood.  Even with a speed bump and having to pay their fine at the police station, Max and Katie avoid elimination.  It's BFFs Pam and Winnie who suck at understanding the cutout silhouette of a rhino vs. a hippo that gets them eliminated.

Survivor: Caramoan - Bikal and Gota merge into one tribe, living on Bikal's loser beach now. Their new big ass tribe celebrates with new green buffs, a name Edil Edam (Malcolm's mom's name backwards), and a chest of food and wine. Most importantly, the tribe flag they paint has a helicopter. H.R.E.A.M! Phillip begins his usual annoying scrambling to get his gang together and wipe out the fans first. Corinne and Malcolm whisper together about the awfulness of Phillip, and Malcolm lets her know he's got the Erik/Reynold/Eddie and she's got Michael. Six person alliance on the rise? First week, take out Sherri who no1currs. Second week, blindside the other favorites.

The first individual immunity challenge is something we haven't seen in awhile: a nasty eating challenge! I'm so excited for this classic Survivor throwback.  The delicacies going down the hatch include beetle larvae,  ship worms (ocean termites, basically), and balut (duck embryos).  Balut is so nasty, inside the shell, feathers and beak still on it.  I could vomit just looking at balut.  The final round is Cochran vs. Malcolm chowing down on pig brain which I'm sure is the hotness we all imagined.  Cochran "The Ginger Kobashi" pulls out a victory with a lovable grin and a bit of bragging cause he can get away with it.

Time for the alliance scrambles.  Malcolm and Corinne's alliance seems in place, but there's a few stragglers.  Phillip would like to split the votes between Eddie and Reynold, the two strongboys.  Corinne isn't a fan of splitting votes and recommends taking out Sherri since no one likes her anyways.  Corinne is tired of Phillip bossing them around and urges the other favorites to band together, defy Phillip, and vote as a solid block for Sherri.  Corinne's rage is sort brewing over and she starts maybe talking too much.  Corinne tries to bring Dawn in as their 7th, which gives Dawn flashbacks of her last time playing where she didn't forewarn the alliance of a betrayal.  So Dawn tells Cochran what's going down, who tells Andrea, who tells Phillip and now Corinne is in some major hot water.  Phillip demands Sherri vote with them and while she wants to stick around, Sherri wisely hates Phillip.

Tribal time!  The discussion begins about the fans being considerably outnumbered and likely to be picked off.  The favorites know that at some point they each will be blindsided or as Corinne sum it up "get punched in the face."  All things considered, a quick tribal chat with nothing that important happening.  The votes are cast with 5 votes pouring out for Sherri... until the Corinne votes start popping up, completely shocking her.  With 7 votes, Corinne is completely blindsided out of the game.

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