The Bachelorette: Andi Loves Josh, not Nick

The Bachelorette - Andi

FINALE

Still in the Dominican Republic, Andi's final two take turns meeting Andi's family. Nick is first and comes bearing flowers and booze, the keys to my heart as well. Right off the bat the parents notice his nerves and lack of PDA. After awkward meal small talk, Nick expresses his love for Andi to her mom and that she's the one for him. Andi's dad Hy is harder to read because he's a stern look of terror, but he gives his proposal blessing. Andi tells her sister about Nick's passionate kissing and do like same-sex siblings talk this way? I still find it bizarre to hug my brother, so this openness alarms me. Andi is pleased it went will with Nick and ends it with yet another makeout. This gives Josh the sloppy second parent visit and he brings flowers and cigars, but no booze (strike one, baseball lover). He also brings the sweat, literally dripping from heat and nerves. Andi acknowledges that Josh is pretty much her typical type but Josh is different. Josh is very adamant he's here for the right reasons, loves Andi, and isn't the stereotypical former athlete. Hy asks Josh if this is some kind of summer camp romance and Josh insists it's forever love; Josh gets the proposal blessing. Basically Hy is cool with either dude getting down with his daughter.

Andi meets Josh for their last date together and both got the memo that they should wear bold shades of blue. The pair talk, snorkel, and makeout on a yacht, reminiscent of their first date together making out on a regular boat. Their connection, not to mention both being from Atlanta, makes it all too good to be true. To me it means maybe you should've tried Tinder a few times before applying to a reality show. Instead of a fancy private dinner, they sip dinner and barely eat in a hotel room for some last minute talking and reassurance. Josh has no questions for Andi because he's ready - shouldn't you always have questions? Especially when you've dated for like a month? He insists love times are different for all and believes his love with last forever with Andi, who is more focused on what could go wrong than right. Josh presents Andi with his this-is-how-much-I-love-you craft project: A BASEBALL CARD. I said it as a joke but it come to life: a homemade Andi baseball card with her name as Andi Murray, his last name. Josh believes Andi is his best friend for life, his future wife, blah blah. A few more kisses to the red pantsed man before Andi leave Josh until the final day.

On Andi's final date with Nick they go offroading in a product placement Jeep, then picnic by a secret lagoon. I hope some kind of lagoon creature doesn't eat them alive. Nick talks about all his nerves to ask Hy Dorfman for Andi's hand in marriage, and that Andi is Nick's total priority. One thing for Nick though is that he really wants a sign on this date that he's the one because if there's any doubt, he doesn't want to get engaged (which makes sense, yet doesn't because of the situation, but also I guess Andi should know by now, right?) Andi comes to Nick's hotel that night rocking MORE blue because cobalt and cerulean blue co-sponsored tonight's finale. Nick explains how he's nervous and doesn't want to be wondering anymore, so Andi gives reassurance and all the signs Nick wants. They talk about their fun mundane life together, like what they'd buy at the supermarket and how they'd text each other while they work, then do boring couple stuff together. Nick's craft to Andi is sand in a necklace from the beach where he told Andi he loved her. Andi says Nick is everything she's been looking for in a man and he's all moony as she leaves.

Andi's two men shirtlessly awake on the proposal day, then deeply ponder the big day ahead. When Nick gets a knock on the door he expects engagement ring master Neil Lane but it's not: IT'S ANDI! The live audience gasps! A bunch of former rejects give their opinion! A picnic table cloth weeps for its fabric back! Andi thought on what Nick mentioned the night before, how he previously woke up the day he got engaged and it wasn't right - that's how she feels now. An engagement is not what she feels for them and she's felt it for awhile since they're always so intense and over-analyzing everything, which is no fun. Andi insists she felt everything and meant everything, and Nick feels like a ding dong for being so confident and thinks Andi took it too far. He wishes there were certain things "she hadn't have said or done" - so did they fool around in the ocean?! Nick stands on the balcony with his head down like Peanuts, slams one of his saved roses in the trash, then gets in an Uber XL to the airport.

Andi throws on his cream gown and gets her hair poofed up for her big proposal from Josh. Josh's Uber XL drops him off to receive a handshake from Chris Harrison before heading to the romantic proposal altar. Josh explains that he left baseball so he found find his great love, but now knows he could find that love with her. Josh's giant white teeth are beaming through his smile as he proclaims his love for Andi and all this magical stuff about her. Andi responds back about this journey and it being a challenge, but she was scared from the first time she met him she loved him. It was love at first sight on the slicked down driveway! Josh gets down on one knee with an double halo engagement ring because I guess that's the only kind of ring Neil Lane ever brings in his briefcase, they kiss a bunch, and Josh receives the final rose.

After the Final Rose

After the Final Rose kicks off the celebration with watching a depressed Nick walk around Chicago. He's heartbroken and not over Andi, which makes his family sad too. Desperate to see her for answers, Nick contacted Chris Harrison and tried to show up at the Men Tell All to talk to Andi (you mean I was in his rejected general vicinity?). Andi declines the offer to talk to Nick, not ready to come face-to-face with him, who sits waiting in a room full of roses mocking him. Nick gives Chris Harrison a letter so he can play carrier pigeon. But now Andi will have to come face-to-face with him since it's contractually obligated to do so tonight. Nick comes out being all sad, forced to re-live the day with Chris Harrison and discuss the heartbreak he's not at all over. Turns out Nick also tried to crash Andi's Mexico vacation but Chris Harrison nixed that one (probably because it wasn't on camera).

Well the cameras are here and Andi is brought out to see Nick for the first time since crushing his soul in the Dominican Republic. Chris Harrison lets Nick take the lead but much as he always has been, Nick is full of rambling thoughts. He talks about how he was skeptical but Andi made him feel like he could find love again, so he's grateful to know that hopefully love is out there for him. Andi hated dumping him knowing he was a total skeptic of this whole process. She bluntly has to say she was not in love with Nick; her love with Josh was greater. Another kick in the gut for Nick! And then Nick goes here: if she didn't love him, why did she make love with him? "Well that was below the belt," she says. DAAAAAMN! Way uncalled for on television as I feel this on-air discussion could've been civil, then led to a real discussion off air where Nick could've asked this question as well as get some closure. Andi explains the reason she dumped him before picking a ring, suiting up, attempting to propose, etc. was so he didn't have to be humiliated and wanted to respect him. This whole thing is very uncomfortable and maybe it should've happened off camera.

The remind people what they're here for, Andi and Josh come out together for the first time as an official couple. Josh blathers on about why he loves her and that they're best friends. Now they get to have a real date in public, besides secret rendez-vous around the world. But the secret's been safe and they are happy and madly in love because the show works. Well... sometimes it does, Josh, but you're on The Bachelorette so the odds are better. But to top it all off, frowny face Andi gets to meet Grumpy Cat!!! Methinks the cat is more of a kindred spirit with Nick right now, but anything to go viral!

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The Bachelorette: Andi's Men Tell All While Wearing Scarves

The Bachelorette - Andi

Week 9 - The Men Tell All

While tonight is about Andi and her fellas, the Men Tell All stars with former stars Ashley and JP's latest success story. Ashley is mucho pregnant and due in October. While the big news they tease seems like it's their move to Miami, it's not. It's a live sonogram on-air to reveal the sex of the baby! And so out comes the ultrasound technician Greg, they unzip the belly to Ashley's maxi dress, and slop on some of that goo. There is a shocking reveal: it's a mini Chris Harrison. JK, it's a boy! JP's glad to have a son and Ashley totally knew it. Also, her boobs are looking great thanks to pregnancy. Perks, everyone!

There's a preview for the upcoming in Bachelor in Paradise, which I can't wait for. It's the epitome of hook up or go home. No competitions, no prisoner's dilemma. Just making out and dates with a constantly revolving cast. Romance, tears, ambulances, handcuffs of the non-sexy persuasion. It's getting real, guys! Some of the castmembers are in the audience to barely promote it, but will remind you they are ridiculously attractive and you'll want to see them maybe find love again.

Finally we get to see the men and they are all scarved out because it's what's got you guys. And if you look behind the guys, it's me woo'ing and cat calling. The first night everyone was of course taken with Andi. I'm taken by Marquel's cookie button (he's so hot). The biggest topic of the men's group sesh is the "blackie" comment that Andrew allegedly made. Andrew insists it didn't happen and claims he said something else to JJ during that first rose ceremony. There's video proof that he whispered something, but sadly no audio to confirm it. The controversy with JJ is that why did he wait so long to stir the pot? Marquel wants to know why Andrew has never personally apologized to him, more concerned with it affecting his personal life. Marquel does believe JJ because he is his true friend. After break, JJ comes back in to defend himself and the guys being pissed at him. JJ stands by what he said, though acknowledges his timing and way of delivering the news was off. The guys don't care and assume it's for TV.

First on the hot seat is Marquel, because he is everything. While admired for his passion for cookies, Marquel was stuck in the friendzone. It's a little bit of his fault, and a little bit of hers since she was clearly vibing with a lot of other dudes. Thankfully we'll get to see his hotness during Bachelor in Paradise. He wraps his time by throwing cookies into the audience and yes I lept VERY high to try and get one. I failed and it was caught on camera. Sometimes you forget you're being filmed when you're blinded by your Marquel love. Marquel is followed by Marcus who is handsome in person but still a little bland for me. Marcus lives back the heartbreak through his video package, but Andi taught him about true love again. But there's no regrets, even after saying "I love you" early and a lot. Good news is Marcus, too, will head to Paradise to bang around.

Farmer Chris of course is called to hot seat because everyone loves him and he's newly eliminated. Fresh heartbreak in the house! Chris appreciates that Andi gave him a chance despite his farmer lifestyle, but it was always going to be an obstacle. As Chris gives some boring talk, a beautiful girl in the audience raises her hand with a question. Chris Harrison calls her down to the stage and she introduces herself to Chris. See, she knows what it's like being from a small town (in Canada!) and wanted to meet Chris, asking if he thinks he'll meet that person in Iowa. But given the opportunity, she gets a speed date with Chris during the break. And yes, Chris gets the digits.

Andi is brought onstage in a shimmering navy mini dress, looking stunning. She is that gorgeous in person. And she's not pregnant, you guyzzz. STAAAAHP! It's the initial daunting task of facing over a dozen exes, and moreso awkward since she has to answer questions. Andi explains to Farmer Chris that Iowa wasn't what killed them; she just didn't see a real relationship blooming to get that far. For Marcus, Andi felt his feelings were way ahead of hers and she wasn't catching up. Cody thinks Andi didn't know the real him, which I can't take seriously in his multi-shades-of-blue denim. Andi didn't feel a romantic vibe with Marquel, but he jokes that he didn't know she was smooching so much. Chris Bukowski, who tried to crash the first ceremony, gets a formal introduction to Andi but who cares - Bachelor in Paradise bangin'! More importantly: Chris Harrison has the lie detector test results! And creepily calls himself "daddy" in the process. Brian, JJ, and Farmer Chris told no lies. Marcus lied that he slept with less than 20 women (WHOA), Dylan lied about preferring brunettes and being ready to get married, and Josh? Well we don't get that answer sadly, eventhough Chris Harrison thinsk they're important lies to know. But don't worry, there's BLOOPERS! Nasal spray, childhood memories destroyed, flushing toilets, drink spillage. LOLZ ALL AROUND!

So next week is the big finale where Andi will choose between Nick and Josh. Will either propose? Who will be heartbroken? Will there be helicopters?? See you next week for the season finale and After the Final Rose!

To wrap up this Men Tell All recap, I wanted to extend the biggest thank you in the world to ProFlowers. I entered a sweepstakes on their Facebook page, never expecting to win because I never win anything. At first I won a bouquet and got it delivered to work and we all laughed at my secret admirer, The Bachelorette. But then I was contacted and won the trip of a reality TV lover's lifetime to go to LA with a friend and attend the Men Tell All taping. I had a blast, I made new audience friends, made goofy reaction faces, was caught failing to catch a cookie on camera, and even met Bachelor Burn Book in person (though we didn't learn that until the episode aired and it's the greatest coincidence ever). I can't even begin to express my gratitude to ProFlowers and it was truly an amazing 48 hours in LA with my friend.

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The Bachelorette: Love, Heartbreak, and Fantasy Suites in the Dominican Republic

 The Bachelorette - Andi

Week 8 - Overnight Dates

Andi and her final three head to the Dominican Republic for their exotic fantasy suite dates because one man's spring break location is another's reality show overnight date dream. Andi's claim to fame is her Juan Pablo tell-off at this point in the process, so she's hoping things go better this time around. How can they not, there's a heart shaped patch island in the ocean!

Andi's first overnight date is with Nick and he is #blessed with the opportunity for a helicopter date. FINALLY. Why has this show been slacking on helicopters? Anyways the helicopter drops Andi and Nick off at a private island so they can get all sexy with each other in the ocean and I can yell, "Get a room!" at the TV. Oh and snorkeling. Andi's main worry is that at Nick's hometown date his family told him his past breakups were worse than she thought, but he explains it all away as Andi chows down on pita chips or something. Nick fumbles in a rambling daytime attempt to say "I love you," but thankfully there's still dinner, not to mention a fantasy suite awaiting. Dinner is on the beach and apparently "having time" on this show means having access to a computer, printer, and a poor illustrator to write a corny fairy tale for Andi. There's lots of blank pages at the end of the book, perfect to fill in with more horrible drawings of the pair kissing around the world. Nick escorts Andi aside to the trees (and hopefully a PA burns that fairy tale) to make his big declaration. Leaning against a tree, Nick tells Andi about all the things he loves about her and says "I love you," and then they really makeout against a tree again. Then head to their fantasy suite to makeout more (and probably head to the bone zone).

Josh is the second date of the week, able to lap up the sloppy seconds of Nick. It's yet another date where Andi and her date walk around a town and bother the locals. But Josh makes Andi feel young and vibrant, especially when he speaks Spanish at a mediocre level and forces us to watch more of Andi's poor dancing skills. Since Josh has literally nothing else about him except being a former baseball player, Andi takes him to watch and play ball with a bunch of kids that'll probably lost longer in the pros some day than Josh did. But Josh's way with kids makes Andi happy since it means he'll be a good dad. Josh tells Andi how much he loves her as a bunch of disgusting pigeons fly by their heads. Nothing more romantic than flying rats! Dinner is at a beautiful resort with lots of cobblestones and, how surprising, the food is never touched. Andi's goal of the night is making sure Josh is serious and wants to be married and have a family. Once again Josh requests Andi not make snap judgements about his being a former athlete to which I roll my eyes, but he tells Andi he loves her. Josh accepts the fantasy suite card and they get into their swimsuits and get down in the pool.

Chris is the final date of the week as his position in the line-up as third only confirms his standing in Andi's eyes. Right away she voiceovers that she's not sure if she's ready for an overnight date with Chris, so that's a bad sign. For a hot second I thought we never left Iowa, but it turns out the Dominican Republic has impressive farmland too. Picking the obvious choice for the country boy, Chris and Andi goes horseback riding and she's not too into it. Turns out Andi would prefer to not leave her life in the hands of a horse (but is cool leaving her love life up to a casting director trying to get ratings). Thankfully the horse portion of the date ends and Andi can talk to Chris without fear of being reared off a horse. She tells him how much she loved his family, and his family support him regardless of the fact that he might get his heart stomped upon. Because Ghosts in the Graveyards was so fun in Iowa, Chris tries to make that magic happen again and we learn something about Chris: he's the worst hider of all time.

Chris meets Andi for the night portion of their date for a little grub before potentially a fantasy suite evening. It's not even a meal but snacks on a tray on a loungechair. Chris brings up Iowa, wanting to know Andi's thoughts because it's a big deal given that farming is his life. Andi had fun, but life is so different there even if there are law jobs all over. Things start to go downhill and since Andi's face is the easier read ever, it's clear this date is not going to end well. Chris loves Andi, but Andi doesn't have those feelings back. Andi gets weepy and wishes she could blame Iowa as the easy reason (but it's partly a reason), but she just doesn't see her and Chris moving forward in life together. While it's a crushing blow, Andi doesn't think it's fair to make him wait around for the corny rose ceremony or lead him on more. "My head and my heart don't match up," she says after listing all the things that make Chris great. Andi's been in this situation and knows it's easier to not have time wasted. Chris is bummed but appreciates Andi's honesty, ending with a goodbye hug. Here's Chris's audition reel for next Bachelor.

Given her emotional evening, it's the perfect time for Chris Harrison to offer Andi his advice as an unlicensed therapist. Andi doesn't regret any of her choices and thinks Josh and Nick are the right picks for her. When asked about dumping Chris, Andi explains there was no foundation for a relationship and even a quick bone in the fantasy suite wasn't going to help. Andi still wants to have a rose ceremony because this is a two-way street and not her just commanding her guys to accept roses and love her. But it is also like a hint that hey I want a ring a next week. At the rose ceremony, Andi gives the 411 on the Chris situation, gives roses, they accept, and then toast to meeting Andi's family.

Next week: the best Men Tell All ever - I'll tell you why next week!

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The Bachelorette: Andi's Hometown Date Extravaganza

The Bachelorette - Andi

Week 7 - Hometown Dates

Andi is off on four hometown dates, kicking off the tour in Milwaukee to meet Nick's family. Nick meets up with Andi at a market to try on cheese hats and then whisk her away to a brewery tour. Of course snacks are consumed because it's an Andi date, and then she poorly dances (this time the polka). And many scarves are worn! Andi meets Nick's big ass family because Nick's parents got pretty busy in the 70s/80s and then all of them have significant others. Nick gets smirky and tells one of his many sister's that he loves Andi, so Andi gets quizzed back to make sure she's fully into this. Even Nick's kid sister (literally a child) has a list of questions on notebook paper to get the rundown on Andi. They're not as scathing as one would hope, nor did it include anything about pizza. Nick tells his mom that Andi is the half of him that's missing and his mom gets verlempt. So Nick's Duggar-esque family all approve on Andi and all is good. He almost says "I love you" but figures she already knows and he'll have plenty of time to tell her.

Chris waits for Andi on the golden-hued farmlands of Iowa where she sees his massive bachelor pad (oh I dream for the Iowa cost of living) and drives Chris' big ol' John Deere. The tractor, you dirty birds! There's still a very big question about Andi leaving her big city job to live out in farmland, and Chris points out she could be a homemaker (a bad joke attempt), work in Cedar Rapids, or hell be a DA there because there are DAs all over the country. A plane touting a "Chris Loves Andi!" banner melts Andi's heart into a big ol' makeout. Andi then gets to meet Chris' parents and siblings, plus their spouses. Chris spends a large portion of family time blushing at all the stories, but they love him lots and want him happy. Chris' mom makes sure Andi knows that a farmer's wife can have a job, kids, whatever they want - you apparently aren't trapped milking cows. The night ends with a big game of Hide and Seek and I'd say the cameras will be a dead giveaway of your hiding spot. Looks like a little time in Iowa made Andi swooooon.

To no one's surprise, Josh brings Andi to a baseball field in Tampa to have a catch and awkwardly chew (and spit) sunflower seeds. Apparently this date is the first time Josh has played baseball in seven years, so Andi appreciates this gesture and his turned out by his hot athlete moves. Josh cites family with why he quit playing pro ball, but his brother just graduated college and is heading into the NFL draft so Andi hopes they'll talk about stuff other than family sports. Josh's family is relatively small, which must be a relief for Andi, and they bring him to tears and red-faced-ness. Cutest member of the family is Josh's dog, Sable. A quick cheers over red wine and then it's all about Josh's brother's football stuff. Talking to Josh's parents, Andi starts to wonder if life will end up turning into weekends always at football games and hopes there'd be compromise. Josh gives the old feelings dump to his mom, and it's weird only because Josh's mom is very Andi-esque. Despite rocking resting bitch face for a large portion of the date, an outdoor family game of football lightens the mood.

Hometowns wrap up with Marcus in Dallas, who apparently was ready a week ago to propose to Andi (EYEROLL). Marcus gives Andi a tour of the city so she can see a day in his life, which apparently is daydrinking in a private club. As a flashback to their first date, Marcus re-enacts their first date: stripping. Marcus' family is so excited to meet Andi, though he fails to tell them in his tour of the city he showed Andi his balls in a striptease. His niece makes Andi a Rainbow Loom bracelet, sparing her the questions for now. Andi mentions how he's been so open and forward in his feelings, which his sister explains is his nurturing nature of being like a father figure (his sister even admits it's kinda smothering). And Marcus hugs his brother for being a father figure to him. Marcus' mom's beautiful accent approves of Andi and supports her son's judgement. Marcus is a romantic by nature and he believes he and Andi are soulmates.

All the guys are in LA and summoned to some random house that I'm assuming is Chris Harrison's bachelor pad. A lot of beige. It's awkward silence while waiting for Andi, but Chris Harrison has news to share. Chris explains that Eric Hill, contestant on this season, was in a paragliding accident a few days earlier and passed away. Everyone is speechless and I kind of wish the show allowed them to get this news off-camera. The fourth wall is broken as the crew comes together with the cast to grieve. It's very emotional, especially with Andi whose final conversation with him wasn't as happy as her other breakups.

The night of the rose ceremony, Andi looks stunning in an emerald green gown and has her tete-a-tete with Chris Harrison. She's having a very hard time dealing with what happened, while also feeling she has to be strong for her final four.  Andi tells the four that they're all in this together and was overwhelmed with all the family love. "We'll get through it," Andi says. I think she means the sadness and not as a group tolerating Nick's pink blazer. Andi gives her roses to Josh, Chris, and Nick, which leaves Marcus roseless. I think Marcus might've been a little more in love with the process or the idea of falling in love, but he's crushed nonetheless. Andi just isn't reciprocating the feelings he has for her, even if he stripped twice and had his balls blurred out for her.

Next week: Fantasy suites which means I get to say "bone zone" potentially three times!!

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The Bachelorette: Love Sprouts in Brussels

The Bachelorette - Andi

Week 6

It's off to Brussels, Belgium this week and the show gets to recycle it's soundtrack from Marseilles. Chris Harrison greets the guys with a "Sup Boys?" in a high V-neck and blazer, probably to memorialize Cody. Chris comes with ominous news that the only date rose is on the group date and one-on-ones do not have roses. The first date card is left and Chris Harrison heads off for like a double decker bus tour or something.

Marcus gets to "have a taste of Brussels" on the first one-on-one date, where surely he'll declare his love for Andi at least four times. The pair tour the town taking selfies and eating chocolate so it's like my life but international. Over a snack of mussels (mussels in Brussels - GET IT?), Andi brings up how Marcus wanted to leave at one point - something that's giving her hesitation to open up. Marcus wanted to leave because he feels so much so fast and proclaims his love again. More food (and wine) is consumed over a romantic dinner at the Academy Palace, where Andi prods to learn about what a hometown date would be like with Marcus. The answer is dad-free, and a mom who will admit "she did the best she could." So yes, dinner is awkward for viewers. There's no rose on this date, but Andi leaves knowing she'd like to meet Marcus's family and also what it's like to makeout outside a palace.

Marcus returns from his date and surprise, Nick is pissy about it! He decides to make a move on his own by leaving the hotel and sneaking to Andi's. He lies at the front desk that he's Andi's husband and gets a room key to get in, and by the way I am pretty sure this is a ridiculous violation of hotel protocol. This alone is proof that it's all staged. Andi is totally shocked by her surprise guest, who takes her on a stroll around Brussels where they talk, kiss at a cafe, and then really go to town making out on a skinny tree. Andi is digging it. A LOT.

The next date is another one-on-one with Josh, which surprises the guys since Josh got a solo date more recently than others. Andi's hope for the date is that Josh will open up to her about his feelings more like the other guys have been. Hand-in-hand they walk around Ghent, eating a bunch of chocolate and stuff while doing tourist things like every other damn date this season. However no other date had a goose parade accompanied by a band, so that's something new. Dinner is casual dining inside a castle which could also double as a holding room at Medieval Times. Josh moans about how much he hates group dates and seeing Andi talk to other guys. Josh thinks their whole relationship is too good to be true given there's a vibe, they both live in Atlanta. Josh expects his hometown will be filled with lots of questions and says he is falling in love with Andi, which puts a big grin on her face. A haunting violin plays while they makeout against the shadowy castle wall, which turns into a private street concert by some random band while a bunch of Belgian people gawk at them.

The group date guys meeting Andi at Les Ruines de Montaigle, and Nick is so relieved for the last possible group date of his life. Nick better be in high spirits because there's a rose at the end of the date and he's gotta beat Dylan Downer, secret admirer Chris, and Coach Brian. The group explore the ruins that remain of this castle, which is a great metaphor for a relation standing the test of time. Andi gets lazy and the guys have to pedal her on a bike attached to a train track. I'm having Fried Green Tomatoes flashbacks, guys. Then everyone has to put on their best behavior when they visit a monastery and that means no kissing Andi - she's free! During their alone time, Chris sneaks in a kiss while re-enacting the movie Ghost on a pottery wheel. Brian puts it all on the line and tells Andi he's falling in love with her. The guys are largely seething in their hatred for Nick and his overconfidence, hoping he's not the date rose recipient. But Andi is so DTF for Nick gives him the date rose, and now he's on the top of the world. The other three get sent back to the hotel while Andi and Nick continue to the night portion of the date. And the guys are piiiiiissed.

Andi and Nick ditch the monastery and begin dinner with an exchange of spit, given they were denied the chance earlier. While he's had the first impression rose and this hometown rose, his favorite part of it all is falling in love with Andi. Andi swoons. Then they play a game of "This or That" to get to know each other and it's pretty cute and normal. I know Nick is a selfish child, but he seems genuine at times. The fireworks soar for the couple and then they makeout a bunch more. Andi's even picturing Nick as the guy for her at the end.

The guys are back at the hotel ripping into Nick - saying he's watched all the episodes and knows what to do, say, etc. They are even worried he'll stick around only to walk away and crush Andi. Everyone firmly believes Nick is playing games to make it to the end. Nick returns from his date to an uneasy silence in the room, maybe because dude's wearing a lady's scarf. Brian breaks the silence to call out Nick for the mind games he plays, and soon the other guys jump in. Nick's like "Yeah, I did watch every episode of Desiree's season" but he's in it for the girl. The guys don't know how Andi doesn't see it, but to them he's all about strategy. Nick assures them he's always thinking about his relationship with Andi.

Everyone is nervous about the cocktail party and impending rose ceremony because this determines hometown dates. Andi's dress has so many oversized crystals on it, I'd assume it's from the Chico's Evening Wear line. The guys use their one-on-one time to be mushy, though the bottom guys wonder if they really could sway her opinion at this point. It's also valuable time to hype their boring hometowns. But eventhough he's safe, Nick HAS to interrupt to get Andi time. He wants to come clean about the guys hating him but he's truly excited to introduce her to his family. Chris had his alone time, but takes Andi aside one last time to give her a kiss before the rose ceremony since he failed to do so before. But Chris Harrison clinks the glass to begin the rose ceremony. Andi cuts Brian and Dylan as she wants to meet the families of a guy she can honestly see herself with. In good news, Dylan leaves with Andi not knowing he didn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. And Brian still has those coaching metaphors and a fear of pickles.

Next week: hometown dates!

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The Bachelorette: All's Fair in Love and Lie Detector Tests

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 5

The guys arrive in Venice via boat, which is the douchiest boat of all time and in no way as dreamy as White Squall. But there's no time for fun, because Andi greets the guys and quickly whisks Nick off for a 1-on-1 date.  Andi and Nick multiple gondola rides, tour the city hand-in-hand, feed pigeons (GROSS), try on masks, and best of all... eat pizza and gelato.  It's all about the snacks, people. Yet another gondola brings the duo to their night date, and it's at a breathtaking masquerade hall with baroque fixtures, painted ceilings - it's beautiful.  While Nick addressed his pissy attitude a little earlier, Andi brings up the group date last week and worries that all the guys hate him since that's a bad sign. Nick doesn't like the guys calling him the frontrunner, but he doesn't want to openly say, "Yeah duh, I'm the best." This process is weird for Nick (as it is for everyone, but whatever), but is glad he and Andi can have real conversations.  "I'm definitely falling in love," Nick says.  The date reaffirms Andi's feelings for Nick, and vice versa, so she gives him the date rose.  Some accordion music eerily begins to play, but it's sadly NOT ghosts ala The Haunted Mansion.  Instead masquerade masks are conveniently placed under the table for them to wear while dancing to a three piece band.

Six guys join Andi for a group date where they go around Venice taking in tourist stuff again.  Cheese, marionettes - laughs all around!  That is until they enter a dark castle full of armor and torture gear.  Andi is all about honesty and knows how to plan a great date, so this week the guys undergo lie detector tests! SEXY, AMIRITE??  But Andi's a good sport and takes the lie detector first to show she's a trustworthy gal.  It's a breeze for her - yes she's falling in love and thinks her husband is in the mix.  Josh is reeeeal hesitant about the lie detector and not being able to explain himself.  The guys all get asked if they're there for the right reasons, but we're most shocked to learn Dylan doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom. Instant dealbreaker.  Then Dylan says he's sick and has to go back to the hotel.  Second biggest revelation besides ol' pee hands, is that Chris is the infamous secret admirer who has sent Andi three love notes.  The results are handed out and it turns out Andi told two lies: Italy isn't her favorite country and she doesn't believe all the guys are here for the right reasons.  Andi really wants to know the results but also wants them to trust her, so she rips up all the results. So basically, a complete boring waste for us viewers.  We've learned nothing. Someone lied three times! C'MON!

The night date allows the guys more time to get to know Andi while sipping cocktails in a castle.  Yet we still know nothing about the lie detector tests, which will forever irk me.  Brian sets up a "manual" lie detector by putting Andi's hand to his heart and he turns beat red really quirk. He tests her and asks if she wants to makeout. "No!" "You're lying!" Smooth, creepy move Brian.  Marcus continues to be the most boring man on earth, admitting he almost quit once and he's in love with her.  They makeout.  Josh is salty about the lie detector test because he feels a lie detector test is the opposite of trust.  She didn't look at the results, tool.  He's probably the one who lied three times as he keeps getting defensive.  Andi is now questioning the guys and realizes she was a dumbass to rip up the results, especially after two random Italian guys had to work for a couple hours to create said lie detector results.  Faith in love is restored when Chris admits to Andi he is her secret admirer, and he's glad he could tell her face-to-face; they kiss.  Chris gets the group date rose, then JJ gets pissy about guys being happy that competitors are getting roses.  Someone's wine must've turned, cause them is some sour grapes!

Big, beefy Cody finally gets his 1-on-1 date in Verona and I'm already dreading the inevitable Romeo and Juliet re-enactment.  Thankfully it's quick before they respond to letters that people wrote to Juliet.  Or like ask for advice?  This is a thing?  Like Juliet is Dear Abby? I've never been more confused.  Cody coincidentally finds a person's love note that completely mirrors his entire storyline of the show about not being noticed and being tongue-tied.  Cody just spills his feels to Andi so she understands him but c'mon, she's not feeling him romantically and we all know it.  Cody gets all gussied up for dinner in a striped blazer and one hell of a deep V.  As we all dream our man would wear to a romantic dinner.  Cody writes his own "Dear Juliet" letter to express his feelings for Andi.  It's a lot of "Awwwws" from Andi, but she's got a look of dread plastered on her face the whole time.  I can't tell if he's pleading out of excitement or just can't read the signals, like Andi tearing up and putting her head on her hand.  Andi doesn't feel a romantic connection with Cody and starts crying as she lets him down and dumps him.

The guys are whisked in some ballin' old Bentleys to a mansion/vineyard in Verona for the evening's cocktail party rose ceremony.  Nick snags Andi immediately for alone time and of course is hated since he has a rose.  Nick and Andi start mackin' and she's turned on.  Dylan steals her away and I hope he's applied a little Purell before grabbing Andi's hand. As the other guys get their time, Josh gets more antsy because he has to keep reminding himself that he's all about Andi, all the time.  When he gets his time, Andi confronts him on why he was so bitchy about the last date. And he has no good reason because again, I bet he was the one who lied a lot.

Since Chris Harrison didn't get to hand out date cards, his paycheck collection of the week is to interview Andi.  She only had an OK week which is how I felt watching this episode.  Chris Harrison is glad Andi didn't read the results, but Andi is having a hard time with Josh being combative about the alleged lack of trust.  This week was such a bummer for Andi that it's even made her question what could happen at the end of this love voyage.  One guy is going home this week and the rose ceremony reveals we're losing JJ, the pantsapreneur.  With Marquel and JJ gone, all the fashion heavy-lifting will be left to Andi.

Next week: everyone hates Nick in Brussels

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The Bachelorette: But First, Let Me Mime a Selfie

The Bachelorette - Andi

Week 4 (because recap episodes don't count)

Goodbye USA and bonjour Marseille, France!  "It's the perfect place to fall in love," Andi says and will likely say about five more times when they change countries.  Before the week of dates begin, Chris Harrison meets Andi at a cafe rocking a sweet turtleneck to ask if she's falling in love. "STOOOOOP!" Andi says. Catchphrase alert!

Josh the baseball player who skeeves me out gets the first solo date of the week.  They grab some sandwiches to go before making out on a boat.  Despite not wanting to be pigeon-holed as an athlete, Josh talks about how we was a 2nd round draft but stopped because he wanted a family. Suuuuuure Josh.  The boat brings them to the Calanques, some really cool rocks, where they make awkward conversation as the wind blows.  Andi acknowledges their chemistry, but worries there's nothing else there because snoozeville.  Dinner is at Palais Longchamps, which is this baller castle with marble statues (which of course means it's classy). Andi expresses her hesitance to dating athletes given her poor track record.  Josh is so comfortable with Andi and wants her to not pigeon-hole him for being an "athlete" ages ago.  He wants to marry the next person he says "I love you" to and I'm assuming that excludes getting drunk with his boyz and making declarations.  Andi loves that Josh makes her lower her guard and gives him the date rose.  The night ends with a private concert by Ben Fields (don't worry, I don't know him either) and more of Andi's sweet dancing an subtitled whispers.

There's nothing more French than MIMES! The guys get a lesson in the art of being a mime, and they're all total creeps so it makes sense to add an even higher level of creepiness to them.  But a lesson isn't enough, so the guys slip on their horizontal stripes, berets and top hats, suspenders, and head onto the streets to freak out the French people.  The good news for the people of France is mime requires them to be silent as opposed to torturing the ears of Boyz II Men fans of California. Marquel is the best mime because he's fantastic.  Nick is pretty miserable because he's a sourpuss that hates group dates.  But no one is more miserable than the crowds that just wanted to walk to the store and not get mimed at by lame Americans.

A day of miming rewards the guys with nighttime cocktails in a bar/dungeon.  JJ grabs Andi for one-on-one time first and brings her onto a ferris wheel (it'd be a lot cooler if you climbed it like Divergent).  Andi is pressing Chris to speak up about "the bros," and he brings up Nick's shitty 'tude. The guys are trying to stay drama-free, but they can't. Cody is vocal about Nick's arrogance, as a lot of guys think he assumes he's the frontrunner and no one else matters.  Cody's upset that Nick mocked him being thankful, which is seriously the dumbest argument ever.  Plus he's tattling to Andi, which is so lame.  Nick tells Andi he loved the miming, but she points out he's salty on group dates and sadly that's how this show works so deal with it.  Despite their chemistry, Andi is taken aback that the nice guys in the house don't like Nick which is a red flag but a corny poem wins her back.  But that's not the only drama: Marquel is still reeling over hearing a rumor that Andrew called him "blackie" after the first rose ceremony.  Marquel is hurt, hating that the first thing that comes to people about him is his race (not me: it's his charm and smile - I love you Marquel).  Marquel confronts Andrew, who does a WHAAAAAT shocked chuckle and insists he didn't say it, saying he treats everyone with the respect they deserve and that this is a lie. Andrew tells Andi there's been issues with guys lying about him, but won't get into the details because who wants to tell Andi they've been accused of making a racist comment?  The date rose goes to JJ for making Andi feel special, even in a group setting.

The other one-on-one date goes to Brian, but there's no basketball court for him to use as a safety blanket this week.  Andi takes Brian to the tiniest cinema ever to see The Hundred Foot Journey, a wonderful jumping off point of product placement before the pair cook a meal together.  After shopping for ingredients, the pair head to Andi's apartment to cook. I get the idea of cooking something super French like frog legs, but like, leave it to the professionals before you get sick.  Or hire a tiny rat to puppet you to construct such a meal.  Andi is hoping Brian will get a little handsy with her in the kitchen, sneaking kisses and stuff, but no. The kitchen is no basketball court.  "There's no flavor," Andi remarks about their frog legs, a deeper metaphor for the failing relationship we're watching on our screens.  They ditch their poor cooking for fine restaurant cuisine.  Brian loves the date they had with the movies and market, strategically avoid being the least romantic cook ever because snazz it up for TV guy.  Andi wants him to loosen up and be more forthright, and despite the shaky start he gets the date rose. Then they make out in the empty kitchen of an operating restaurant. Shouldn't people be working? Did magical elves make the food? A RAT?!

Instead of a cocktail party, Andi and her Katniss-braid have a chat with Chris Harrison about the current state of her love quest.  Andi wants to go with her gut instinct because she already knows who she wants to bang and who she wants to leave in the friendzone.  Andi's so sure she's not going to cut the required one; she's cutting three. DUN DUN DUNNNN!  No cocktail party?! But how will people lube up with a couple of drinks to pretend take this seriously? Everyone is nervous, or really everyone who felt they needed more time to plead their case.  Leaving us this week are Andrew, his bro Patrick, and our smiling, lovable Marquel.

Next week: lie detector tests in Venice!

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The Bachelorette: The Rosebuds, The Five Hearts, and The Poker Face

The Bachelorette - Andi

Week 3 - Part 2

The show heads off on the road for the first time and they head to beautiful New England for a kinda shitty fall weekend.  I can say that because I live there!  The guys are ballin' out in a suite at Mohegan Sun, and by ballin' I mean seeing how many guys they can stuff in a tub.

Dylan receives the first one-on-one date where they ride on the Essex Steam Train like it's the Polar Express without a terrifying CGI Tom Hanks.  They toot the horn before getting into a train car, take in the sights, and make awkward attempts to talk. Dylan clearly wants to open up to Andi, but he's hesitant and lends itself to a quiet train ride with abrupt sentences.  At night they eat dinner inside a non-moving train car.  Dylan is still tense, so Andi tries to get him to talk to her and get to know the guy.  Dylan opens up about his family and how his two siblings died from drugs (which we learned about on night one of this two night "spectacular").  It's a sad story and definitely not bringing any levity to the jovial idea of an old timey train date.  Dylan doesn't want her pity and asks Andi to not keep him around if she's not truly interested.  Andi then feels guilty about making him bring all this stuff up in his hometown. I mean, production picks the dates Andi.  Andi is moved by Dylan is gives him the date rose, assuring him it's not out of pity at all but because he was so open.  The night ends with one last train whistle toot and a collective sigh from viewers that the date is over.

"Who's got game?" asks the group date card, before whisking the guys off to play some hoops.  "New England is the birthplace of basketball," Andi tells us in this week's history lesson. The guys think they're totally hot in front of Andi, but they're about to get schooled by a bunch of WBNA ladies.  Bad news is it's not a shirts vs. skins battle where we get some shirtless dudes. The good news: the women crush the guys. Girl power!  Afterwards, the guys play a game where the winning team continues with the evening portion of the date; losers hit the fancy suite showers.  There's corny team names (Rosebuds vs. The Five Hearts), a lot of falling, and pep talks.  The Rosebuds kick major butt thanks to Brian's actual job of being a basketball coach.  They cheer like they just defeated the Monster Squad in Space Jam.  Like they're the damn Dream Team of '92.  The Five Hearts take their defeat into some locker room pouting.

The night portion of the date takes the Rosebuds (Coach Brian, Marquel, Eric, Cody, Andrew, and Nick) to the Vista Lounge for drinks and chatter. Andi talks to Eric alone first, worried that their relationship has stalled since their one-on-one date the first week.  He wishes everything was a little more casual, from the setting to the wardrobe, and the honest conversation about a lacking relationship makes it kick-off again.  Andi gets super turned on when Brian nails a half court shot, but his signal game sucks and miss the opportunity to mack.  Nick gets all up on it though, heading in for some smoochin' before talking.  Brian gets the date rose for his skills on and off the court, except for the key part of knowing when to go in for a solid TV makeout. Then he has no skills. "Getting this rose is better than winning the state championship," Brian says without realizing one day he'll regret saying something so stupid.

Andi's already totally smitten with Marcus so a one-on-one date with him makes her very giddy.  He gets the first extreme date of the season: rappelling down the side of the hotel.  Like any guest of the Mohegan Sun requests from the concierge.  Andi and Marcus are both afraid of heights so she feels this date is a great time to test their will. "Andi! Lean back hun!" Marcus says about 94 times, trying to get a hesistant Andi to start the descent.  Marcus succeeds and the pair scale down the building, making small talk about life to distract them before passing the guys suite as they bang on the windows.  Andi and Marcus bask in their triumph at the bottom with a kiss.  Later they have dinner at the oldest working inn and toast to trusting each other.  Andi is the first girl he feels comfortable opening up to after three years, given a crappy prior relationship.  Marcus gets the rose, obviously, and the date continues with the couple dancing and making out on an elevated platform above all these regular humans while some country singer performs. You are all extras in Andi and Marcus's world.  Marcus becomes the first person to get too into the process and says he's falling in love with Andi; it's been three weeks.

Andi's going into the cocktail party hoping to uncover the mystery of the day: who sent her a secret admirer love letter?  And who still writes using cursive.  In "WE GET IT BRIAN," he takes Andi to the basketball court AGAIN and this time goes for the kiss.  A maybe-buzzed Marquel teaches Andi self defense to avoid the creepy touches of too many suitors.  Eric calls Andi out on her claim he's not being open, saying it's her who's only sharing on a superficial high level, always rocking a poker face even when they can be open together alone. "I came on here to meet a person, not a TV actress," and Andi is like WHAAAAAAT.  Andi is offended by Eric's accusations and says he doesn't understand what this is like, having to give everyone attention and crush hearts.  Plus they're at a casino so isn't a poker face a good thing this week?  Anyways, Andi isn't having it, Eric apologizes, but it's too late. It's over and Eric gets a cab home.

Andi comes back and starts dropping "y'alls" nonstop in her emotional outpouring. She doesn't want any guys around that think she's acting or that this isn't all real.  Andi has no poker face, she's tired!!

The show doesn't end with a rose ceremony (but we learn Tasos went home as well), but a remembering of Eric who passed away after the filming of the show. No snark here - a sad loss and he was a great guy.

Next time: MIMES!!!!!

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The Bachelorette: I'll Make Love to You and Destroy Your 90s R&B Jam

The Bachelorette - Andi

Week 3 - Part 1

The first date card brings Nick and Andi together to ride bikes around Santa Barbara.  It's a very normal date and the term "chill" is used a lot. But the date continues by hiking amongst some gorgeous rocks as the sun sets.  Nick is a bit skeptical of this whole process, but he admits he has a crush on Andi.  With their wine in hand, they keep scaling rocks and hug it out high above Los Angeles.  Dinner is a romantic dinner by the Santa Barbara courthouse because where else would a DA dine?  Andi wonders why Nick is the single guy in his group, which he cites to a long high school relationship and one rushed rebound.  This doesn't bug Andi who comes to appreciate his hesitance at love.  Nick's pretty realistic in knowing many people fall in love with the idea of it and this show's version of love, but it's not the same as real love in everyday life that isn't full of helicopters.  Andi gives Nick the date rose and the pair head up to the viewing tower for kissing with a view.

The group date guys get so pumped at the prospect of a karaoke date, especially the opera singer guy who thinks his skillz will earn him a rose. Inside the Music Academy of the West is the best surprise ever: Boyz II Men. Swoon alert! Boyz II Men sing "I'll Make Love to You" before the guys complete destroy the song with their "singing voices." As you'd expect, the guys are absolute garbage.  I dub Josh the absolute worst because based on the way he sang, I think he thinks he's super talented (like creepy Kasey who will guard and protect you're heart) and he's not good especially his attempts at runs.  Andi is tasked with the daunting task of singing "Yeeeeah" and she's also awful, cracking up at her terribleness.  An outdoor mall crowd gets the time of their life with the treat of a free Boyz II Men concert, but nothing comes without a price.  The crowds are then tortured by Andi's suitors performance, and if I was there I would throw any heavy object I could at the stage.  At least the guys embrace the performance side, especially Marquel, and how horrible they are.  Meanwhile, a R&B classic lays in wreckage.

After coming to grips with the devastation they unleashed upon a mall concert crowd, Andi and her guys head to late night poolside cocktail party at a hotel (again, no roofs).  Jersey Shore wannabe Cody gets alone time first because Andi has heard from the guys that he has a girlfriend.  He's so perplexed but turns out it's a joke because she's such a mischief maker.  Meanwhile I think he popped one of his enlarged veins.  Eric worries about his connection with Andi in a post-one-on-one date world.  Marcus is really into Andi and she likes him too, admitting she tries to catch his attention often; they share a kiss.  Josh says he forgot the song lyrics because he was so nervous around Andi and he just wants to see her all the time, every day. Guys, I think Josh is so skeevy but Andi is SO into him.  They makeout a bunch and I cringe, but I bet this guy is going to last for way too long since he gets the date rose.  The night wraps with Andi kicking off a group singalong to "I'll Make Love to You" one last time and somewhere the guys from Boyz II Men are weeping in a hot tub full of cash.

The last one-on-one date goes to JJ the pantsapreneur AKA best job title of this show ever. Sorry Kelly the dog lover).  Given this is JJ's first date, since he was declined such delights last week, Andi has something else in Santa Barbara planned (it's a Santa Barbara date trifecta!).  This very special date is to get a head-to-toe Mrs. Doubtfire makeover to become an adorable old couple. Wait, what if the elderly couple talking to Andi and Chris last week was actually Andi and JJ time-travelling???  Now decked out like an old happy couple, Andi and JJ walk around trying to fool regular people into thinking they're like kooky old people and has them says "It's out 50th anniversary" over and over.  Sometimes they're weak-walking, the next minute they're doing cartwheels to freak people out. But at least they get to roll deep on some Rascals.  JJ finds Andi attractive, but mainly her personality which explains why he's cool with kissing grandparent style.  I love JJ, he's my favorite, especially when he busts out Werther's.  Andi and JJ de-makeup and head to a romantic dinner to get to know each other outside of their costumes.  He fears he won't find a girl who accepts him and all his quirky, unique ways.  Andi likes him though and gives him the date rose.

Ron gets a phone call from home, packs his bags, and hugs it out with his bros as he is leaving the show due to a friend's passing.  Dylan wants Andi to know his story to really know him about his two siblings who died from drugs. He doesn't want to tell this in a 5-minute save yourself convo but on a private date.

Cocktail party! Eric grabs Andi for alone time, but it's interrupted by a flower delivery from Nick.  Andi loves this simple, sweet, normal gesture of romance. Marcus is basically pulling the love at first site card (and a little notecard) on Andi so he can score some more makeout time.  The guys want to call out Andrew, as they know he is not there for the right reasons, bragging about snagging the hostess' number at dinner last week. Not cool bro. Josh and JJ pull Andrew aside and he declines to discuss it and hides out in his room.  In becomes a bigger event when Andrew talks about it in front of all the guys in the living room, and he claims she gave the number in front of everyone (everyone insists they found out when he came into the van to brag about it).  It's all a mess but Andi is still unaware.

Andi's fuschia dress is everything this week, but I digress. At the rose ceremony, Andi sets two suitors free.  Andrew the douche gets a rose, turning the heads of every guy in the room who's like "Seriously, bro?"  That means Andi has decided to dump Brett the lamp guy and Brandon the boring opera singer.  I just have to share Brandon's corny departure speech, before the waterworks begin, which I'm going to recite on the reg about banal things: "I love to be loved. And I love to love." Talk about a bum note! OPERA JOKES!

Next time on The Bachelorette: an exotic weekend in Connecticut!!! And this show is real to Andi!

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