Reality Rundown: This Blog Post Brought to You by Kellogg's

Food Network Star • Finale! The Voice •
So You Think You Can Dance

Food Network Star - The "stars" are greeted by former winner, Melissa D'Arabian, and a room full of Kellogg's products to create an "impressive and sophisticated" bite size hors d'oeuvre for the Camera Challenge. The judge for the challenge is Iron Chef Michael Symon, who I heart greatly. Susie doesn't get the product name right, but hipster Justin (as opposed to dullard Justin) more awesomely sounds like he says his dish tastes like "human" than "cumin." Jeff makes a poop joke faux-pas thanks to his bran joke. Jyll is the winner of the challenge for her crab cakes with Rice Krispies. Chris makes a surprising improvement and is #2 this week for his harnessed performance of corn flake chicken nuggets.

The Star Challenge is to cater a lunch in teams for the cast and crew of Cougar Town inspired by the different groups that work there: art department, crew, writers, vanities, and cast. Penny considers herself a cougar so is soo excited; vomit. She's not so excited to be paired with Mary Beth and the feeling is mutual. Hipster Justin misheards Susie over the phone and buys 2 boxes of quinoa instead of 10. Yeah, big difference there. His salmon is also chock full of bones so he better do a good job pokin' around there. Jeff/dullard Justin can't find ground chicken or turkey, so Jeff wants to get tofu. Later in the kitchen they get an inspirational talk from this week's guest judge, Paula Deen. The advice is not, "More butter, y'all," much to my surprise.

At the set, Bobby and Paula interview the "stars" as they do final meal prep and that's when Paula gives butter advice. The crew member announces it's time for lunch and in come the crowds. The stars of the show get to sit at a fancy table and get served while the rest of the crew it's buffet style, because they are lowly crew. Chris is a pleasant surprise again, while Orchid gets a little starstruck. Jeff uses his personality to charm the panel into liking his tofu, while dullard Justin keeps up with his nickname. Paula surprisingly likes the tofu dish, as does the rest of the diners. Hipster Justin still has a boring personality, Whitney's dish was a boring snack of vegetables, and Susie's called a spitfire and made a tasty dish. Vic impresses the rich and famous and his food is hearty, despite being vegetarian. Jill made salad- BFD. The best part is they like Mary Beth, hate Penny and her burnt tasting mac and cheese- ha!

The judges pick a winner from each team, and then the losers are up for elimination. Highlights of the best: Vic is praised for his turnaround and Jeff is given kudos for making the best tofu any of the panel has ever tasted. The winners (safe people) are Jeff, Orchid, Mary Beth, Susie, and Vic. Aaand the worst: Jyll made a confusing salad, dullard Justin is still boring and his food wasn't even good enough to back it up, and hipster Justin has an identity crisis. Penny's mac and cheese is discussed and loudmouth Chris pipes in that he thought the cheese was burnt, pissing her off more. Jyll and Chris are quickly dismissed to safety, leaving Penny, Whitney, and the two Justins. For some reason, the panel is pretending viewers would like watching some major bitch host a show, so they keep Penny. Out of the competition is Justin B aka dullard Justin because watching paint dry is more interesting than him.

Finale! The Voice - The coaches decided "just hours ago" (suuuure) to perform Queen's "Under Pressure" to symbolize this experience for their finalists. Since there's 2 hours and only 4 contestants, I expect a lot of time filler. Each finalist will sing twice: once with their coach and once with an original song. Ughhhh, why?

Javier and Adam collabo with producer Rodney "Darkchild" Jenkins for his original song. His song is called "Stitch by Stitch" and it's a well-written song but boring. I'd change the radio station if this came on. Javier's duet with Adam is to "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson, a personal favorite. Now I want to watch Captain EO on YouTube. In rehearsals I liked the duet, but live it doesn't work for me. It's missing something.

Dia and Blake duet to "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty and it's sung really well and a great performance, even if their Men in Black inspired costumes make them look like a-holes. Her original song is written by a dude who's worked with Adele, which is perfect for Dia. "Inventing Shadows" has Dia sitting at the piano (surprise!) with some backup dancers behind screens. She sings it well but all I can picture while listening is long, lingering Grey's Anatomy glances in montage form. Just not my cup of tea but I plenty of folks that are Dia's fans.

Vicci's original song is produced by Butch Walker, Cee-lo's "homeboy" and he's worked with Pink and Dashboard Confessional. Vicci also feels Cee-lo's producing capabilities is an asset the other contestants don't have. Her song "Afraid to Sleep" is really good, though I think she was a little flat at times. Her dance moves are a little corny too, but I think with some more time to finesse the song it could be a strong radio single. Vicci and Cee-lo's duet song choice is amazing: "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. YES! The live performance is over the top with mediocre child break dancers, with Cee-Lo dressed like Bowser and Vicci sort of Mad Max looking without being covered in a layer of dirt. It's a fun performance but in all honesty it doesn't sound that great. It sounds like when I played Band Hero for hours and I did drums and vocals.

Christina's duet with her finalist Beverly pays homage to an artist Christina loves: herself. No surprise, she has the bald woman sing "Beautiful" with her cause get it, Beverly is beautiful too even if she has a shaved head. Gaaaah. The thing is, I think Beverly is so damn good so even with this stupid song choice I love the performance. Beverly sings so well that she distracts me from the maroon hat Christina snatched from Blossom's closet. Beverly's original song is titled "Lovesick" and it's good upbeat single, especially for her voice. She also dances around to the point of laying on the piano. Beverly rules, for realsies.

Based on all 4 finalists' performances over the night, and despite me not being her fan, I predict Dia will win The Voice. So let's fast forward and head on over to the results show.

Finale! If the crowd cheers are any indication in announcing the final 4, Dia's a shoo-in to win (my mom pointed out she was the top song on iTunes- sorry LMFAO, you're out).

Each of the final 4 gets to perform one last time with a famous musician. Vicci Martinez performs "Drops of Jupiter" with the lead singer of Train. I didn't think I could hate this song enough, but nope I can hate it more. Crappy duet and Vicci's weird bounce dancing- fast forward! Javier is joined by Stevie Nicks to sing "Landslide," a song I absolutely love though I kind of wish Beverly got to sing with Stevie. That aside, it is an amazing performance, with beautiful harmonizing together. Great duet! Beverly sings "Good Life" with that guy from One Republic because... honestly, I don't know. Kind of a random choice, as random as Beverly's super long suit coat. This is not a good duet- fast forward! Blake adds one to the spank bank, having his wife, country singer Miranda Lambert, sing with his finalist, Dia.

Results are in! Carson tells us, or should I say poorly reads from a teleprompter, that the winner and runner-up were only 2% apart. Following the iTunes charts mold, the top 2 are Dia and Javier (they were the #1 and #2 single). The winner of The Voice is... JAVIER. So Adam Levine coached a champ and the guy who was used in the original promos to show an amazing voice won. The end!

So You Think You Can Dance - This is such a tough night to decide best and worst, mainly because I am rocking the HitFix Fantasy SYTYCD League after week 1 and I want to stay in the top. Lil' C, king of Krump, and Kristin Chenowith, of Broadway, Pushing Daisies, Glee, and other awesomeness, sits in on the judge's pangel for the Top 16. Along with the partners, they 16 are split into 2 groups for routines. One group does a Tyce Diorio Broadway with lots of chair dancing to "Hit the Road, Jack." It's a fun routine with a little 'tude and lots of tossed chairs. The other group routine at the end of the episode is medieval women poisoning men. It's actually sort of a sad romantic routine as they lovingly dance and eventually convince the men to drink the poison and die. Debbie Downer alert!

Best: Miranda portrays an "upper class working girl" (that means prostitute, dummies) for a Broadway routine with her partner Robert. It's sexy and has this sort of Gregory Hines (faux) tapping bit I like a lot. Good thing for that week 1 reprieve of these 2 could've been toast. In a Nappytabs lyrical hip hop piece, Markko plays a jilted groom who realizes that Melanie, his BFF, is the one he really loves and stays by his side. The story is great, Markko's watery eyes are so honest, and the dancing is amazing. Still my favorite couple! This leads the judges to all make out with each other (not kidding), including Nigel and Lil' C- HOTNESS! Rickey/Ryan are a couple in love, but full of heartbreak, in a contemporary piece by kooky Sonja. I pegged these 2 before the episode as bottom 3 shoo-ins, but the routine, which includes spinning Ryan out of a ribbon wrapped around her body, is beautiful and emotional. Jess is a crooner who sweeps a Clarice off her feet in a foxtrot. I think they both dance it well, but I also know these two are pretty low in popularity polls. I'm so torn!

Middle of the pack: Sasha and Alexander's routine is contemporary (by Dee Caspbary), meaning they both really lucked out again. Sasha's character is the memory Alexander has lost. It's a routine full of energy and amazing jumps, oh and Sasha hiding inside a piano and popping her hands out like a creepy magic show. Alexander does get some advice to learn to connect to the audience better, which is true. I much prefer Sasha over him. Caitlynn/Mitchell perform a hot and spicy samba choreographed by my beloved Jean-March Generaux!! Lots of sexy hips swishing and shimmies- all the good ballroom stuff. At the beginning it was a slam dunk, but now I wonder if they'll fall to the bottom for not being as memorable. Jordan/Tadd wake up after a crazy night of one night stand bangin' and end up in each other's clothes. It's a good routine but I think they lack chemistry and Tadd is way stronger than Jordan in the dance. I know the judges loved it, but fans also aren't digging Jordan.

Worst: It's yet another kooky Sonja jazz routine, this time danced by Ashley and Chris. Decked out as Beetlejuice Swamp Things I guess, but I never connected with the piece and found myself bored.

After a really unsynchronized and kind of dull group routine we jump into the results show. The bottom 3 are: Ashley/Chris, Miranda/Robert, Caitlynn/Mitchel. FFFF my fantasy team of predicting the bottom 3 is screwed. Instead of Caitlynn/Mitchell I had Clarice/Jess. Damn my top scores are ruined! Time fillers into a performance by dance troupe Access (he's in a wheelchair!) and some ballroom dance champions- no lip synched performance by a singer! In a not unanimous decision, Miranda is eliminated for the girls. Her partner, Robert, goes along with her.



Photo Credits: BuddyTV, FoodNetwork.com

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Reality Rundown: Whoopie Pie Connoisseur

Food Network Star • The Voice •
So You Think You Can Dance

Food Network Star - Why is this show 90 minutes now? Gah. The Camera Challenge is to make Hershey's chocolate products into dinner. A vending machine randomly assigns their candy and there's Reese's, Peppermint Patty's, etc. I'd name them all but I'm not getting paid to promote their candy like these fools are. Chris puts notes on his hand as if he's about to take an exam and never studied. Vic dips asparagus in chocolate (bleckh) and made an overcomplicated dish, while Alicia continues to be the worst on-camera presence ever and made something that tasted more dessert-y. Jyll is the winner for some her Almond Joy shrimp and great performance; as winner, Jyll gets an advantage in the Star Challenge which I hope includes a name re-spelling.

After hanging around in the "butler's pantry" (seriously Food Network), the chefs re-enter the kitchen to find Ace of Cakes' Duff Goldman and Restaurant: Impossible/former fraud Robert Irvine in the kitchen. The "stars" are split into two teams of six (one cooks for Robert, one for Duff) and most create an "over-the-top" dessert display, must feed 150 guests, and each make their own dessert as well as two team dishes. Jyll is able to pick her team (Duff, who wants kind of kind desserts) and her teammates: all the women except bitchy Penny. Smart move! Team Robert (sophisticated desserts) are all the guys and Penny.

In the kitchen, the men's team is loud and spilling, while the lady's side is calm, quiet, and full of girl power camaraderie. However, Alicia is still a frazzled nut who might not remember her cake recipe which is clutch for her cupcakes and the team dessert (cake pops). Susie's churro tanks so she comes up with a plan to call them pancakes. You know, that classic dessert of pancakes- durrr. There's a cookie disaster, but they try to turn it into a crumble. On Team Robert, the only thing messier than Chris is their actual kitchen, which is covered in pastry excess. When Robert notices there is no leader, he forces the team to select one so it's culinary talented but boring to watch Justin. The bigger problem is that Chris' cakes suck so Justin wants to remove these atrocious messes from the menu. Last minute, they make some fennel seed ice cream or something pretentious like that. Hurricane Chris drops his pies all over the floor and burns himself. God, go home already!

The displays are set (Team Robert's is eye-catching thanks to some boxes that Penny fought the women over) and the crowds roll in. The women are really personable and welcoming, while Chris is schmoozing with the ladies- ugh. Alicia and Susie's dishes are pretty terrible, with a cupcake being compared to cornbread and the pancake chewy. Penny has to prove Team Duff was so bad that she digs in the trash to show the remnants of terrible desserts. The judging panel hate the desserts on Team Duff as well, with a few exceptions (Whitney's cream puffs, Jyll's carmelized banana sandwich dipped in chocolate, Orchid's chocolate pecan pie). On Team Robert, Chris offends the panel by speaking only to Bobby Flay and ignoring the others. Their presentation is bland and but many of their desserts are delicious, a surprise since they are a team of cooks not bakers. Vic's cream puff with a tequila filling pleases the panel, Justin's corn pudding is tasty but should've had real corn, and Penny's dessert is a slam dunk. If only she wasn't a complete a-hole most of the time. Chris' dessert and Bobby obsession sucks.

Panel deliberation time. Team Robert discusses their hectic leadership. The panel worries that Penny won't translate into a likable person for viewers. Justin B's dishes are tasty, maybe a little easy, but he's a dullard. Other Justin is sort of the same- he doesn't stick out. The panel unanimously loves Vic's dessert, and hate Chris' tart and his Bobby Flay obsession while ignoring the others. They are the winning team and unfortunately Chris is still on this show. Kill us now.

Team Duff sucked. Their personality and presentation was wonderful, but the food made the diners gag with a few exceptions. I wish they'd just give Orchid the prize cause she's awesome, but the panel says she's not growing. Alicia takes credit for some leadership but also learns her cupcakes were underbaked (she's shocked). For someone who makes cupcakes for a living, that's pretty damn sad. She breaks down again. The bottom group are Alicia, Susie and her failed churro pancake, and Mary Beth's runny milkshake. We've saved from another cryfest next week and Alicia is eliminated.

The Voice - I'm not even kidding when I say Christina Aguilera's stylist should be tarred and feathered in front of a public audience. Honestly, she dresses so fucking terribly. The only thing worst than Christina's outfits is Carson Daly's wooden hosting. How does a many host TRL for like 8 years and someone still have an NBC late night show have such terrible hosting skills?

Anyways, Cee-Lo's team gets the verdict from the votes. America saves Vicci Martinez who sang that amazing rendition of "Jolene." Cee-Lo gets his choice of a save which includes the longest rambling ever of god knows what. My beloved American Juniors are eliminated and Nakia, aka Not Horatio Sanz is saved in the competition. Then Adam Levine's team comes up and the most obvious vote ever is revealed: America saved Javier. Adam doesn't know what to do, babbles on (I fast forwarded), and eventually saves Casey (eventhough his original plan was to save Jeff). What sucks most is being told I was going to save you but nah, nevermind. Sorry mah man.

So the 8 semi-finalists perform and we vote and one person from each team will move to the finals based on our votes and the coach's score. Frenchie performs "Like A Prayer" with some weird disco beat, which I think sort of ruins the song. Nakia is assigned Adam Lambert's "What Do You Want From Me", which allows me to internally scream that in my head. He performs in a white suit at a piano, keeping with Cee-Lo's trend of trying to make a current song super artsy when instead it's like Meatloaf. "Losing my Religion" by REM is Dia Frampton's song so it'll be acoustically delightful. If I liked folksy Grey's Anatomy music anymore I'd totally love Dia, but it's not my style. However, I think she stands the best chance of winning besides Javier. Because Adam Levine loves a good cliche pick, he has Casey do "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston. Seriously Adam? Find a new song catalog. It's a super pitchy performance more like the Dolly Parton version, but at least her dress is adorable.

Beverly McClellan sings BB King's "The Thrill is On" dressed like a vampire, as my roommate points out. But man Beverly sing; can I mention again she's my favorite? Fan favorite Javier goes for a weepy Coldplay song (but adds some rock pizazz) and it's another fantastic performance though he has some crazy facial ticks and squints. He even goes sans-hat, a first for him. The awkwardness that is Xenia sings something by The Script? Never heard of them and again, her Grey's Anatomy soundtrack voice doesn't appeal to me. Vicci Martinez closes the show with Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days Are Over" which is overplayed, but I bet Vicci can rock it. For some reason they give her a pompadour and some drums to play with a drum circle (but not in an actual circle).

Filler time, besides a lot of coaches blabbing about nothing. Maroon 5 performs their new "Moves Like Jagger" single and Christina Aguilera comes on stage in her Forever 21 hot mess of an outfit to sing. She sings better than she is styled. Blake Shelton performs some song called "Honeybee" (how dare his disgrace my name origin) with his team of ladies (Xenia, Dia) too but I mute it. We also see the system for votes: coaches score + audience vote score. The coaches votes split 100 points between their team and write it on enevelopes that we'll see on the results show. My prediction for the final 4: Cee-Lo- Vicci, Christina- Beverly, Blake- Dia, Adam- Javier.

The 8 perform as a group to George Michael's "Freedom" (no "I Want Your Sex"?). It is way better than Idol, that's for damn sure. Cee-Lo is a huge time waster by babbling about the troops and reading a poem. In the least surprising thing ever, Cee-Lo split his points as 51 Nakia, 49 Vicci. Wow, way to take a stance. America's "score" counteracts the 2 point different and Vicci Martinez advances and Nakia is eliminated. Cee-Lo then performs and I fast forward cause I don't curr.

Adam Levine's team jams with him and Gym Class Heroes then faces judgement. Adam gave Javier 65 points and Casey 35; he explains it's because Casey is young and has a career ahead of her and Javier needs to stay in to "play the game." Playing to win, nice one Adam. America obviously agrees and Javier moves on. Blake brings Xenia and Dia on the road with him to perform; Blake went 50/50 on the points, another non-shocker. The most obvious decision ever is revealed and Dia Framption stays alive. Team Christina is probably the only close battle of the night: the battle of the baldies. Both women are such powerful singers, but I thought Frenchie's disco Madonna last night didn't work. It's no surprise that Christina splits her 100 points evenly which to me means this whole point system was a big waste. My pick, Beverly McClellan, moves onto the finals- yay! So go me for getting all of the final 4 correct- I rule!

So You Think You Can Dance - No one got eliminated last week, so all 10 couples perform again and 4 dancers are gonna get cut. The guest judge of the week is Debbie Reynolds? I hope she tells stories of being berated by Gene Kelly.

Let's first go over my favorites of the night. Caitlynn and Mitchell work with Stacy Tookey on a contemporary piece about a girl who is too insecure to leave her controlling boyfriend. It's beautifully danced and their emotions are so real- loved it. They get so into it Mitchell even cuts Caitlynn's nose- what an abuser. Wooo Robert and blaaah Miranda perform a Nappytabs hip hop routine about a woodpecker. Yeah, just go with it. I liked this routine more than I thought I would and was surprised at Miranda's ability. Though I did think they lost steam about 3/4 of the way through. Overall, I dug it a lot, especially Debbie Reynolds' Woody Woodpecker impression. Jordan and Tadd are tasked with the Viennese Waltz with Jean-Marc Genereux (!!). I think the dance is really pretty. I also like Jordan's purple dress- it's so sparkly and such a good purple shade. It's surprising how good Tadd is at the waltz considering he's a b-boy.

I have 3 middle ground routines. Melanie and Markko are totally adorabz still and do a jazz routine with some sweet bowler hats. Markko drops his hat at some point but overall I like it though it might be my Melanie-love bias. Sasha and Alexander dance a topical hip hop piece about a soldier coming back from Afghanistan and reuniting with his wife. I'm torn because Sasha is beyond amazing in the routine; I can't look away from her. Alexander, in my opinion, was a clunker. I think the storyline biased the judges from truly evaluating them properly. Clarice and Jess' contemporary is danced well but something about it gets neither the thumbs up or down from me. Maybe it's because Jess had a dumbass costume.

And now my least favorites. Rickey and Ryan get a Mandie Moore an X-rated jazz routine to 80's classic "Addicted to Love." There's a lot of pelvic thrusts, Ryan has George Washington hair and makes ugly faces; I didn't care for it but the judges loved the skankiness. Missy and Wadi take on a cha cha with my most favorite choreographer, Jean-Marc Genereux and his fantastic French accent. Missy's leopard costume is so unflattering with side straps that give the illusion of rolls. Wadi gets the brunt of the criticism, while Missy gets praise. It's not very memorable. Iveta and Nick get the dance everybody wants: Bollywood! I think the judges overly praise the Bollywood routines. They said it was entertaining and yes it was fun, but it wasn't synchronized at all. How did they not miss this? They are really trying to make Iveta last. Chris and Ashley tell the story of a woman visiting her man behind bars for a Broadway routine. They had me at the Crybaby soundtrack for "Please Mr. Jailer," but they lost me with zero chemistry. It was supposed to be super sexy but it wasn't at all (but the judges love it- Mary even puts it on her famous Hot Tamale Train); it just makes me want to pull out my Crybaby DVD and watch the original scene.

The top 20 dance as a big ass group again, choreographed by Dave Scott, dressed in coat, tie, and plain bermuda shorts. I enjoy the simulated slo-mo stage walking at the end best. Four dancers are eliminated tonight and since there's only 6 dancers in the bottom, this should get interesting. The bottom 3 are... imaginary drum roll please... Melissa and Wadi's terrible cha cha, "29 year old" Iveta and her partner Nick's uncoordinated Bollywood, and hammy-faced Ryan and Rickey.

The time fillers of the night include shoving Gatorade product placement down our throats (and learning to eat ice cream sundaes instead of a sleeve of crackers), a performance by Rage Crew (teen and kid dance crew that's really talented), and a pitchy performance by LMFAO with Quest [crew] as their backup dancers. They didn't even perform "Shots" but just know I'll sing that in my head all night anyways.

The solos are good times as always. I really enjoy the musicality of Wadi's breakin' but it's not the best breakin' solo ever. Rickey truly dances for his life and it's awesome- I think it's more anti-Ryan votes than non-Rickey fans. Poor Iveta (aka Xuxa) has to do that ballroom shimmying around the stage alone which is always really weird to watch. Ryan of course makes more ridiculous faces when she dances. The judges deliberate and are unanimous with their decision. For the women, Ryan stays and Iveta and Missy go. For the men, Rickey stays for his amazing solo, eliminating Wadi and Nick. Man, I predict well!


Photo Credits: BuddyTV.com, FoodNetwork.com

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Reality Rundown: Some Losers' Eliminations Delayed for 1 Week

Food Network Star • The Voice •
So You Think You Can Dance

Food Network Star - The Camera Challenge is to create a pizza to reflect their culinary style and also present their pizza on-camera with a story to back it up. Bad news is that there's a twist: after today's Camera Challenge, one person will be eliminated. My favorite presentation is Katy's, not because it's good but because her personal story is that she made pizza with a "Chinese worker." The winner is Penny, whose story of being a Middle Eastern mama with a pizza to match worked better than her sexpot approach. Juba, Vic and Justin are the bottom 3. Juba's presentation sucked and his pizza was undercooked. Justin was awkward in front of the camera, while Vic spoke for 20 seconds and totally blanked after he brought up his mom (but he at least served food for once). Juba is eliminated.

The wannabe stars return to the studio for their Star Challenge: make restaurant food accessible. There are 3 restaurant style dishes which they'll have to recreate for the home cook, while also being time consuming. There's red wine braised short rib (time), abalone with caviar berblanc (expensive), and sweet soy glazed pork belly and scallion pancakes (technically difficult). They are split into 3 groups and will compete against each other and Penny gets the honors of assigning the dishes. Abalone: Orchid, Justin B, Vic, and Chris; Pork belly: Whitney, Jeff, Jyll, Justin D, Alicia; Short Ribs: Penny, Mary Beth, Susie, Katy. In side interviews we learn that Penny assigned the dishes to handicap her biggest competition: Orchid.

The big shocker is who will be eating the food: all the Food Network chefs who also have restaurants. Talk about an intimidating panel. The selection committee is in the kitchen as the "stars" prep and will ask them questions, since a host needs to be able to do two things at once.

Highlights of the kitchen: Mary Beth charms the selection panel. Katy's red wine reduction ignites into a fireball on the stove (it's awesome). Later, Katy gets a nice ripping into from Anne Burrell who points out Katy has a plastered on fake smile. Jeff makes the panel laugh while sweating into his spring rolls. Whitney's food delights, but she's such a frigid, unfriendly face at times that it's not appealing. Alicia is a flustered mess, making the creepiest faces that stress out the panel (she cries post-judging). Orchid uses canned oysters, appalling the panel. Chris can't find vermouth so uses pernot, but doesn't know what it is. Justin is a dullard.

At the judging panel, Penny is probed about her strategy to take out other competitors, like sabotaging Orchid and putting herself again other women she figured she could beat. The women are rightfully offended, but loudmouth Chris admires the gameplay. Since we just watched them get judged in the kitchen, the panel room comes off as repetitive. The 3 winners in their categories are robotic Whitney, steadily-improving Mary Beth, and Justin B based solely on food and not being a real-life Frankenstein. The bottom 3 are frenetic crybaby Alicia, Katy and her overcomplicated dish, and douchebag Chris. Katy is eliminated because her food had way too many ingredients and maybe because her smile would never disappear from that head of hers.

The Voice - Carson Daly intently reads a teleprompter to explain the voting or whatever. Christina fake cries about being so attached to her team. America saves my girl Beverly, the bald white woman (and Carson promptly rubs her head in celebration). Christina also gets to save one of the women from going home and to stay to sing: she selects Frenchie. "Bald girls unite!" says my roommate.

Tori and Taylor are the first from Cee-Lo's team and performs "Boogey Woogey Bugle Boy" by The Andrews Sisters. Maybe they heard this on a Kidz Bop album? I love these girls and wanted to love the performance, but it doesn't sound great and the blonde's voice is way better since it sticks out. Soul singer Vicci Martinez sings "Jolene" by Dolly Parton and I'm hoping for great things cause that is a tight-ass song. Man, she is amazing. She also spells her name like VICI from Small Wonder and since that's my avatar I think we are kindred spirits, or bosom friends if you are an Anne of Green Gables fan. Horatio Sanz-doppelganger Nakia takes on Kings of Leon and because this show is all about the VOICE they distract you with backup dancers spinning flames. But he is pretty good despite the fire show behind him. Curtis Grimes, the country guy, is assigned 80s classic "Addicted to Love" and I can't imagine this being listenable. Maybe it's good if you like country but it's an earsore for me.

Casey Weston is Adam's team's leadoff; she sings that "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" song or whatever by KT Tunstall. I'm not a country-ish person but I kind of like her performance and I'm all for drumming on plastic barrels. More surprising: Christina finally breaks the mold and gives valid criticism/advice (and then Cee-Lo follows). Devon, the nerdo, performs One Republic's "Stop and Stare." He doesn't have the chops to pull it off for me and I think it's an average performance overall. Jeff Jenkins, the chunky guy who made a creepy comment about wanting to date "the legal Thompson sister", jumps into the passenger seat of "Jesus Take the Wheel." The winter wonderland backdrop and his emotional story about the song can't distract from how crappy he sounds. But maybe that's only me because the coaches loved him?

Cee-Lo's team meets at a spa together and we're spared of seeing Cee-Lo in a white robe. They then put on some funky 70s threads and perform "Everyday People." It's the saddest modern day interpretation of The Patridge Family ever. Cee-Lo rocks a wonderful Richard Simmons-esque, bringing a smile to the world (ok, not really, he always dresses like a goof). Team Adam keeps their clothes on and simply has a nice meal at Adam's home. Him and his posse sing "I Get By With A Little Help of My Friends" aka The Wonder Years themesong. I guess that Chicken Little looking kid is playing the role of Paul? Javier, the crown jewel of the show, is the final performance and performs Sarah MacLachlan's "Angel." Cue the faces of sad puppies. It's an amazing performance and it doesn't make me think of sad animals.

The show wraps up the save results for Blake's team. In the most obvious vote ever, America's save goes to Dia for her performance of "Heartless." Anyone else remember when Kris Allen did an acoustic guitar version of "Heartless" on Idol? I do. In a move that boggles my mind, Blake saves awkward Xenia, sending his dudes home. She has zero personality so yeah, great move!

So You Think You Can Dance - The top 20 are assembled and pairing and now the dancing begins! Joining Nigel and Mary Murphy is guest judge Megan Mullaly aka Tammy 2 aka Lydia from Party Down aka Karen from Will and Grace. It's like a bit of Ron Swanson is with us tonight. Already there is an injury: Mitchell injured his elbow so is put into the bottom 3 for tomorrow night to dance for his life. Sucky! Because there's a of dancers, I'll focus on my best of and worst of, as I usually do.

Best! Melanie and Marko win for most adorable pair and also lucky enough to get a Travis Wall contemporary routine. Painted as statues, the routine is so graceful and the emotions so pure and real. I got chills from this number. Favorite dance of the night by a landslide, favorite couple. Missy and Wadi pair up for a jazz routine where Pandora's Box is opened and sexy demon clones appear. They are a good pair and this routine is pretty awesome and incorporates Wadi's hip hop and parkour skills. Sasha and Alexander are blessed by the choreography gods out of the gate with a Travis Wall contemporary. The piece is genius, as usual, with Alexander being chased by his conscience (which for some reason has a skirt on that resembles goose plumage). Tapper Nick and ballroom/Xuxa doppelganger Iveta get the dreaded quickstep week 1. Good for Iveta the ballroom old lady, but for this show: no one votes for the quickstep. However, it's danced well so kudos since it's usually a 98% hot mess another other season.

Worst is the wrong word so we'll just say, not my faves. None were bad, just some didn't click for me. Ryan and Ricky pull lyrical hip-hop about a guy remembering the love for a girl long gone. It's a nice routine but Ryan smiles so GD much it's distracting and the judges point it out as well (but she was supposed to). Caitlynn's partner Mitchell is injured, so she tackles the Sonya Tayeh jazz piece with season 7's Robert. Swoon alert! The judges really loved it, but I kind of was underwhelmed, despite a few cool moves (like Caitlynn sort of floating on Robert's back). Miranda and Robert (Urkel glasses guy) dance Latin which excites me only because I saw husband and wife ex-contestants Ryan and Ashley assisting choreographer Jason. For the routine Robert rocks silver glasses, which is important to update. It's a really fun, upbeat routine though dressing them like 60s go-go dancers doesn't convey "Latin" to me and the dancing itself was only OK.

Results show! The top 20 dance with canes and I'm didn't dig it. You could almost see them concentrating on the cane maneuvers so the footwork, etc. was sometimes off. The bottom 3 are Jordan/Tadd, Clarice/Jess, and Miranda/Robert; Mitchell is also in the bottom since he didn't dance last night. They all dance for their lives with solos. In time filler, Keri Hilson performs (I say perform because she was obviously lip syching), there's Russian dancing by a pro, and there's a sneak peak at a Lady Gaga video (who I totally forgot got her TV debut on SYTYCD years ago). Oh and she's going to guest judge the show this season; kinda huge even as a non-Gaga fan. There's a big ol' twist: Mitchell and Robert are requested to dance for their life a second time. The judges delay the guy decision by bringing out the ladies, then don't make a decision and bring the guys back out. After dicking around for a long time, no one is eliminated and instead 2 couples will go home next week.


Photo Credits: BuddyTV, FoodNetwork.com

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Reality Rundown: Put on Your Leather Diaper, It's Time to Sing

New! Food Network Star • The Voice •
New! So You Think You Can Dance

New! Food Network Star - Melissa, you missed "Next" at the beginning of this show title. No I didn't, the show has changed it's name for god knows why. Like even Bobby Flay says, "Who is going to be the next Food Network star?" so I think he didn't get the memo either.

The cooks begin to meet in front of Graumann's Chinese Theater and based on the women they cast, they clearly want a hot lady host as their next star. What, Aarti not doing the trick for you? Bobby Flay and Giada DeLaurentis come out of the theater to welcome the contestants and remind them that if they can't cook, they can't win. They also bust out the first challenge: sophisticated breakfast! As opposed to schlubby breakfast I suppose. Whoever makes french toast will be my favorite contestant. Penny is Middle Eastern and makes Challah French Toast. Congratulations Penny, you are my favorite for merely doing this delicacy; well, half-favorite cause she seems like this season's bitch. Some guy names Vic forgets to put his lobster on his lobster sliders and is crushed. He's likable though, like a friendly Vin Diesel of cooking.

When presenting to the camera, I'm surprised at the onscreen presence most contestants have. Of course there are some exceptions, like food critic Mary Beth and the awesomely named Juba. Howie, who also made french toast, calls himself a novice which is a dumb movie if you are supposed to be a source for cooking. Chris, who left out the chicken and kept blabbing about being so awesome since he went to culinary school, sucked and said "frittata" about 19 times in a minute. Not surprising, when a Mexican girl makes a dish that isn't Mexican she is chastised. God forbid a non-white person make another culture's cuisine. The winner of the challenge is Orchid, who is warm and charismatic (and let's be honest, chubby).

The next morning, the cooks meet food-nerd Alton Brown at a Farmer's Market to film promos in teams of 3. The teams will only get 4 takes to get the promo down, but it's a continuous shot so it has to be re-done from the start each time. On team 1, Mary Beth is good, Justin is wooden and sucky, and Whitney is bossy. On team 2, Susie and Katie kind of ignore Chris, Katie uses a dozen props, and Chris talks like a loser that I'd never want to watch. Team 3 you'd expect to ace it since Howie is a radio personality, but sucks terribly at doing a promo, and Vic cannot remember Jyll's name. Perhaps it's because of her horrible spelling. Alton and Jyll get into a bitchfest with Jyll about using a teleprompter. Team 4 has to try to make Juba's "simple complex" concept work. Jeff and Orchid are so great though, I'm immediately drawn to them; Juba clunks it up and doesn't smile much. Team 5 has Penny and Alicia the model and they butt heads since Penny is for some reason rubbed the wrong way by Alicia. Alicia tries to hide her accent by mumbling and whispering at the same time, which leads to her sobbing to Alton about not wanting to talk louder. So are we supposed to watch her future TV show with closed captions? Penny tries to do the sexy over-the-shoulder look but comes off like a psycho ex staring you down.

Alton drops a bomb that this was only part 1 of the challenge: next they have to impress a panel of the press including AC Slater. The teams will create a four course tasting menu consisting of one dish a piece and then a collaboration. This allows more time for Penny to hate Alicia and Chris to be annoying (he wanted to get a six-pack of beer for him and the boys). Alicia asks Penny to help with the collabo pear dessert, but Penny doesn't like it; the pears end up boiling and ruins the dish. Juba, Orchid, and Jeff are so awesome: they couldn't find key limes so they make Que Lime Pie as in "what?" I think Jeff is my favorite.

Penny makes "sexy" beef stew with "sexy" fennel because her show "brings sexy back into the kitchen." I don't get it either. Justin makes seared halibut and Alicia makes a sticky balsamic glazed rib. Penny presents the pear collaboration, eventhough she loathes its existence. The judges like the dishes, though Alton lets the panel know about Alicia's sobfest on the promo shoot. Mary Beth makes creamy caramelized onion soup, Whitney makes carrot salad, and Justin makes lamb shank; the group dish is Bavarian chocolate cream. You can tell the judges are smitten with Whitney, but see potential with Justin. Howie is a mess in the kitchen, but it's Vic who fucks up again when his calamari falls onto the floor, leaving him to not having a dish to present a second time. Jyll is that one teammate that always helps others more than herself, so her dish suffers. Jeff serves chicken slides, Orchid pork skewers and coleslaw, and Juba shrimp boil. Juba ruins it all because he jumps in to introduce the Que Lime Pie, which Jeff was supposed to. Since Juba has zero personality it's all ruined. Chris' dish is ancho chile butternut squash soup, the group makes a sirloin with a super spicy puree (Chris hated it, judges love it), Susie a ceviche, and Katie an adult s'more.

Jeff, Orchid and Juba are the top team and all safe. They love the dishes, especially the que lime pie even if Juba mucked up the description. The judges advise Jeff to rename his show since "Between Two Buns" leads to giggles. The other teams aren't safe and get to dime each other out. Katie and Susie spill the beans on Chris' beer drama. Mary Beth is told she's clear and concise, but not an interesting personality. Chris has too much personality, Justin is an over-thinker. Chris, Katie, Susie, Mary Beth, Justin and Whitney are all safe.

The bottom teams are Jyll, Vic, Howie and Penny, Alicia, Jeff. Not surprisingly that the two teams with the most drama are at the bottom of the pack. Jeff makes sure the judges know that Penny and Alicia's bickering ruined the team mentality. The judges like Penny's food but aren't feeling the overuse of "sexy." Justin is deemed safe and in the middle. Alicia's ribs receive great praise and warned she is going to be pushed a lot harder, so toughen up. Jyll took on the majority of the team dish, along with constantly helping Howie, so didn't make her dish as good as it could be. Howie thinks she is blowing it out of proportion, as flashbacks show she is a hot mess. His gnocchi wasn't very tasty either, but keeps trying to pipe in he did more stuff. Vic has to explain a collision caused him to have no dish this time, not poor timing. Jyll's promo stunk but Jill defends herself, citing Howie's flubs and redos meant she could only have one take. Howie's lack of expertise, and mediocre dish, gets him eliminated. I'd also blame the proportions of his head.

The Voice - It's live performance night and to confirm that to us we're "treated" to the coaches perform a Queen medley, which takes out the word "ass." This just makes me want to watch The Mighty Ducks badly. I think my favorite part is Blake Shelton singing like all hardcore and rocking a vest with tie. Christina Aguilera comes out in a pair of extremely unflattering hot pants. Work on the thighs, sweetie. I'm guessing her horrible outfit and pornish makeup is because after the show she is heading to a gypsy wedding.

Ok, so the convoluted rules of this week is that 2 artists from each team will go home next week. There's a contestant's save and a judge's save. See, you don't vote for someone- you vote to "save" them. Um ok? On this episode, Christina's team will go up against Blake's team in the "hot seat." I guess I'll route for team clown whore makeup.

Let's break down Christina's team. Teen Raquel Castro gets to show off her dancing and vocals to Ke$ha's "Blow." If she actually sings it well, it'd be a step up from Ke$sha. You can tell Christina is her coach since they dress her like a clown baby hoe. Her performance is decent, maybe a little pitchy. Beverly McClellan, the white bald chick, performance Melissa Etheridge's "Cause You're the Only One" and this is a bitchin' song and one of my favorite voices on this show. Beverly wears a kilt when she performs, making her more awesome. It's the perfect song choice for her, though I hope we can see more range so she doesn't just sound like a great Melissa Etheridge cover artist. Lily Elise sings Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." Her fashion again is an epic fail (mirrored cropped coat over a leather/crystal dress) and I thought she did well until the end where it got shrieky and full of runs. Just sing normal. Frenchie, the bald black woman, performs "When Love Takes Over" and since she's last of the night, it's great. I think my favorite comment is Cee-Lo who says her "breath control is above average."

To top it off, there's a group performance of the coach with her girls to "Lady Marmalade" and I'm having Making the Video flashbacks. It's fun to see a group filled with such different female voices, like even more different than when the "Lady Marmalade" redux was done years back. Also, Christina was about one more bend-over from full breast exposure. Someone strap those bosoms in.

Blake's team is, well not my favorite here. Jared sings "Lose Somebody" and he sings it really well though it's not the style of music I dig. He's also rocking a shaved head while wearing a bandana Bret Michaels style which is always unfashionable. He also ends the performance singing super close to his wife which is even more awkward. Dia Frampton takes on Kanye West's "Heartless" in her unique vocal styling, along with playing the piano. I'm torn about the arrangement: it's cool because it's different but I also feel like it's trying to hard to be cool and "making it your own." Cee-Lo dips into the hyperbole pool to say "it's probably the greatest rendition of a song I've ever heard." Xenia sings "Price Tag" by Jessie J and I had no idea what song that was until she sang the chorus. Well, technically sang but was it just me or was she super quiet? She's also young and lacking confidence, so the wardrobe they stuck her in with the awkward dance moves makes it an odd performance to watch. Blake sings along the entire song like on Toddlers and Tiaras when there's a parent guiding their kid along the stage (cupcake hands, babygirl!). Patrick Thomas, the country dude, sings "I Hope You Dance" and dedicates it to his sister. You can sing, sis! But why did the stylists decide to dress him like baby Clint Black? Fire these stylists!

Blake's team also performs along with him and their song of choice is "This Love" by Maroon 5. Kissing coach ass- nice play, Blake. It's a notch above American Idol group performances but Christina's team smoked them in the group round. The voices don't mesh that well and honestly, Xenia looks like she's going to crap herself from fear so it's hard to get the full vibe.

So overall, Frenchie and Beverly were my favorites of the night. I don't care for Lily and Xenia. Christina's team kicked Blake's teams ass when it comes to group numbers. Next week, Cee-Lo and Adam's teams face off.

New! So You Think You Can Dance - Merely days ago, the 31 remaining finalists flew to LA to face the infamous Green Mile. This episode, as the top 20 dancers are revealed, they will then perform in group numbers. The news it that there will be a top 20 (10 guys, 10 girls) and when it gets down to top 10, then the All Star contestants will return. I like this change because we grow to love the new crowd then bring back the favorites. Most importantly, last season's monstrosity of a stage is gone. Hooray!!

The first group team features a batch of contemporary dancers: Ricky, Miranda, Melanie and Sasha (her sister Natalia was cut, so cue people blaming her weight). They perform a wonderful Stacy Tookey contemporary piece with fog flooding the stage, as if they're angels dancing in the clouds. The season has begun in a splendid way!

Next up is hip-hop or as Kat calls them "street dancers," which sounds so shitty. The finalists are Chris, Wadi (who got a shit-ton of Vegas airtime), Chad, and "Can I get a woooo" Robert. I am crushed when Virgil aka Lil' O didn't make the cut. And Bryce the Professor didn't make it either- I'm miss that massive cranium. Dave Scott choreographs a hip hop routine and it's refreshing to see 4 hip hop dancers on this show, especially after last year's contemporary domination. Robert's Urkel outfit immediately endears me to him. The routine was so fun and high energy. I am getting so excited for this season.

Out of all the auditioners, only 2 ballroom dancers remain: old face Iveta (who has tried out maybe every year) and some dude Lenny. They don't keep the both and in fact pick Iveta, who from here on out I will call Xuxa- her doppelganger. Iveta is 30 and doesn't have a personality the young audience will gravitate to; I guarantee she'll be in the bottom each week, unless she has a star of a guy partner. She's super talented (and world top 10 dancer) but I know how people vote. Thankfully, Iveta's advancing allows her to dance with my dreamboat Pasha! To a Spanish version of J.Lo's "On the Floor." Caliente!

Bust out your jazz hands! The top 20 adds jazz dancers Clarice, Marco, Jordan, and self-described sexy dancer Missy. Kooky Sonja concocts one of her avant garde jazz pieces and seriously, this season is going to be so great. I feel it! The end pose is the three girls almost creating a chain to hold Marco- such a great visual. The judges just keep shouting "Sexy!" as their evaluation and it's true.

Since the Vegas episode seemed to focus more on the rejected dancers rather than the keepers, it turns out a tap dancer and a Broadway dancer made it all the way through to the finals and now the top 20. The story of the routine is great: it's a leather jacket-clad street dancers vs. the classy tuxedo Broadway dancer. Though Jess' tux and slicked back hair makes him look like nerd villain Maxwell Nerdstrom. Nigel drops a bomb that 4 female dancers can tap too which means this season they might throw tap into the hat for those who could maybe do it (since it's unfair to make newbies attempt it). Overall, the performance is great because along with good dancing, they were in character.

More contemporary dancers: Caitlyn, Ashley, Mitchell, Alexander, and Ryan Ramirez and her ugly cry. These 5 get to start a way many would dream: a Travis Wall piece. Swoon! He is so damn talented. It still remember him when I started watching the show season 2 and his star power. Who knew he'd turn into a star choreographer for the show that gave him his big break? The dance is jubilant (where's a word like that when I'm playing Words with Friends?). They're frolicking in the leaves and just celebrating life. And making it rain leaves!

With the 20 dancers complete (and 30 minutes of show left), we're treated to more routines. The top 10 guys tackle hip hop together choreographed by Christopher Scott of Legion of Extraordinary Dancers (a must-watch on Hulu). Decked out in slick Don Draper suits, the guys come dancing through bright red doors; one sexy office, amirite? Or really the Dalton Warblers in an office setting. The girls perform as creepy geishas choreographed by... Sonja, of course (who seems to have dipped part of her head in peroxide). I don't see it as creepy at all. It's fun and cute, like bubblegum geishas. The night ends with the entire top 20 working with Tyce Diorio. It's a big, busy routine full of acrobatics, pirouettes, and black fringe trim. And now, the season begins. And we can vote online! No shame!


Photo Credits: BuddyTV.com, FoodNetwork.com

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Reality Rundown: Singin' and Smoochin'

The Voice

The Voice - It's the last night of the battle round before the live shows. Adam Levine's final pairing is Jeff vs. Casey who will peform Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." Jeff is the favorite going into it, perhaps because Casey looks like a pop punk version of Mare Winningham. It's actually a pretty good battle but there's something so lovable and enigmatic about Jeff. In the audition round, Jeff got all four judges to turn, and Casey merely one judge (Adam, dur). Casey really impressed Adam, but it's something about Jeff that is undeniable so he advances to the live show.

Blake's battle is Xenia vs. Sarah singing The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." Ughhh, overplayed reality show singing song. Xenia has a super funky voice that I dig, while Sarah is "earthy," whatever the hell that means but she is missing her prom. That means no frightening dance floor grinding, so pity her. Sarah is worried she's too shy so Reba tells her she has one shot so suck it up. Sarah has better tone and range, but Xenia's voice is unique. So in the actual performance, I think both girls are pretty pitchy with some brown notes (South Park reference, Google it). Could neither get picked cause she's how I feel. Blake picks Xenia.

Christa's girls sing "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. The performers are Lily and Cherie. Lily is so loud in rehearsal and sounds like shit to me, but they praise her. I much prefer Cherie's smoother, tone-friendly voice. In the battle, I find Lily trying to hard to be some superstar; it's not natural. Cherie's voice is so much better and she's not wailing. It also turns out Cherie is a songwriter and even wrote a song for my gurl Reba. Christina selects Lily to advance, making my opinion a little less important.

Cee-Lo's final pairing is some dude Curtis against Emily Valentine. She wins on name alone, HANDS DOWN. They will sing Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now," another played out jam, but maybe they'll put a twist on it. Emily says she has a little crush on Curtis, but it's a game and she's there to win. Cee-Lo encourages them to really get into the song and feel the emotion, the story. Then of course there is a commercial touting a shocking ending. As a performance as a duo, I really enjoy it. While Emily hit quite a few bum notes, I still think I prefer her to country Curtis. Oh and at the end of the performance, they kiss! Whaaaat! Jaws are dropped. Guess they didn't see the Glee finale to know that technically that's unprofessional. Blake says "Cee-Lo wanted you to duet not DO IT!" GET IT?! I guess that was the shocking ending. Cee-Lo picks Curtis, while Emily leaves to not burn the West Bev homecoming float.

Next week: live show!

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Reality Rundown: It Ain't Over Til the No Longer Fat Lady Sings

Finale! The Biggest Loser • It's Baaack! The Voice

Finale! The Biggest Loser - Oh thank god, the longest season in Biggest Loser history is finally ending. And that's not hyperbole; Alison Sweeney confirmed it (and she's lookin' smokin' in coral for the finale). Before the verdict of who makes the final 3, Jay or Irene, they come out on stage all skinny and shit to walk next to the creepy hologram of them as a fatso. Jay got a tattoo on himself, branding this journey into him forever. He cites Bob and Jillian with this quote, which must be a real kick in the balls to his trainer Cara. Irene comes out in what I'll say is Avril Lavigne's prom dress and is of course thin but her boobs are super weird in the dress. In not-surprising-at-all news, America votes Irene into the final 3, giving the show its first ever all-female final 3.

Alison brings out of the 4 trainers, which is bittersweet because this is Jillian's last episode of the show. Bob conquered his fear of heights, while Brett used this experience to pay it forward as a fat teen and now slim adult. Jillian receives a standing ovation and is ready to begin a new chapter to reach the next level. Generic catchphase overload. Cara gets asked NOTHING. Total burn. But more importantly, a new trainer is entering the mix and they're a "superstar." Michael Bolton?!

The losers are then brought out in their groups to show off the skinnier versions of themselves. Obviously, everyone looks great but I'm going to mention the surprising ones. Irene's mom Ana was the shocker for me, losing 109 lbs. Honestly, when she left I thought she kind of didn't give a shit so she proved me wrong. My girl Courtney lost 110 lbs during this experience, but we should point out she lost 100 lbs before coming onto the show. That's amazing, but the show doesn't acknowledge that. More surprising, Dan and Don, the quitter twins, who are pretty freaking thin. Didn't we all expect those dudes with 'tudes to be the same size? Dan lost 124 lbs and Don 130 lbs. Plus, Don's son decided that since he dad wasn't a tub of lard he could un-disown him. Ken comes very come to being a contender for the prize, but is 4 lbs short. Austin steals the at-home prize lead with an astonishing 174 lb loss, bumping Dan out of the top spot (which would've been a complete shock if that random quitter won the at-home prize). But it's not over.

The losers keep coming out and some chick named Deni that I seriously cannot remember comes out super skinny. Like wowzer, she's thin and knocks Austin out of the lead spot. Arthur is still big, but he's lost quite a lot considering he was once 650 lbs (163 lbs lost). Arthur's dad Jesse is so excited about Arthur that spit flies from his mouth. When Justin, partner to late night nacho lover Rulon, came out, I honestly didn't recognize him. Glad he ditched the nasty facial hair. Jay is the final person to weigh in and has to lose 195 lbs to dethrone random Deni from winning the at-home prize. Jay loses 181 lbs meaning Deni, aka WHO?, wins the $100,000 at home prize.

We've seen Irene, so Hannah and Olivia are brought up. Hannah's sexy red dress keeps riding up and her blond hair is looking better. Olivia is by far the best looking some there. She's super skinny, her dress is adorable, and the short hair really suits her. A finale of sexy ladies.

Speaking of sexy ladies, sexy lady and mediocre professional tennis play Anna Kournikova is named the newest trainer on The Biggest Loser. Can you imagine her pushing people to their limits? Me neither. I hate to repeat myself but I've said for weeks now the show would be smart to bring back former contestants that kept the weight off and have them be the trainers. Not only do they understand fitness, but they understand the process of the show and the lifestyle of being obese.

Time for the final weigh-in to determine the winner. In pre-weigh-in/time filling montages, we find out Hannah was actually pretty hilarious but the show decided to never show this until the end. Hannah started the show at 248 lbs and ends at 128 lbs (120 lbs, or 48.39%, lost). Irene is next on the scale: her starting weight 255 lbs. Irene ends the show at 139 lbs (a 116 lb/45.49% loss). Last on the scale is Hannah's sister Olivia, so it Sister Sister time. Olivia began The Biggest Loser weighing 261 lbs and ends the journey at... 132 lbs (129 lbs lost). Olivia, an opera singer, is overjoyed and I am quite happy. Not only does she deserve it, but her husband lost all the weight alone while she was on the ranch. They both deserve to be commended for their hard work. And finally I get a 3 month rest from this show. PHEW.

It's Baaaack! The Voice - I'm covering it again because I hate lonely posts that aren't super long. And I kind of like covering it.

Christina's team is first and her battle pairing is Raquel Castro and Julie Eason, singing Rihanna's "Only Girl in the World." I call that song "Only Song in the World" because it's on the radio all the freakin' time. Raquel, it turns out, was in the movie Jersey Girl with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, so try not to hold that against her. I don't care for either girl in the performance. I think there are major pitch problems throughout, poor mic skills, and shouting. For pure marketability, I'd pick Racquel. Cee-Lo calls it wonderful, so I wonder if he's deaf. Christina likes how Raquel dances and body rolls, but also likes Julia's ad-lib riffs. Christina selects Raquel to advance to the next round, the live shows.

Blake's battle is "more than entertaining" to him: Dia Frampton vs. Sarah V. The song is "You Can't Hurry Love" by the Supremes so either Blake doesn't own an album past 1967 or he's a huge fan of the movie Bye Bye Love. The good news is the girls harmonize really well on the song, even if their styles are totally different. Dia is a little more timid but a lot is based on stage fright. Dia's voice is interesting and different. Sarah V is dressed like a doofus with some flowy shirt and skirt, like a 1992 Chadwick's catalog look. She is singing like it's church, which is not praise. She is wailing and trilling and it sucks. Dia better win this. Reba prefers Dia staying calm and not getting all "rangey." Blake thinks Dia looked uncomfortable and Sarah doesn't have to hit all the notes just cause she can: he chooses Dia. YAY! I am excellent at picking winners on this show.

Adam Levine's battle pair is Rebecca Loebe and Devon Barley and they are singing Radiohead?? Radiohead signed off on this?? Devon is so out of his comfort zone (and looks like that Chicken Little guy from American Idol). In the battle, Devon kind of sings the intro to the song like standards. He really starts to get into the song, though, and improves along the way. Rebecca just has some extra passion going into the song. I hate Evanescence, but her voice reminds me of that chick. This is the toughest choice yet for me but I think I am leaning towards Rebecca. Adam is torn as to who should be his victor, but ultimately chooses Devon. Ahhh strike 1 for me.

Cee-Lo's team is all that matters to me because the preview showed Tori and Taylor Thompson, who made the final group on American Juniors are singing. Team Tori and Taylor forever! One Step Closer to Heaven!! So sisters Tori and Taylor are battling Kelsey Rey to the tune of "Unwritten." Kelsey is so glad this show gave her a chance to prove her voice and not just be based on a pretty face, since attractive people like her have such a hard time making it in showbiz. In rehearsal, the sisters struggle a bit and hit some bum notes. Battle time! It's such a cute trio; they harmonize well and have cute coordinating dance moves. I'm so routing for my American Juniors for nostalgia sake, but I think Cee-Lo will choose Kelsey. Cee-Lo takes off his shades to rub his kind of teary eyes and makes his choice: The Thompson Sisters! UPSET OF THE CENTURY!! Ok, episode.


COMING SOON: So You Think You Can Dance (because covering auditions pre-Hollywood week is kind of lame recaps)

Photo credits: BuddyTV.com, NBC.com

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Reality Rundown: Victory Is Near and Tastes Like a Jennie-O Turkey Burger

The Biggest Loser • Special Edition! The Voice

The Biggest Loser - The show keeps chugging along, and despite there being no shows to recap except this, the blogging goes on. Blah. Thankfully, this is the last week on-campus so it's almost over. Now onto 2 hours of time filler with only 4 contestants left. Only 2 losers are guaranteed spots in the finals, so everyone works out like crazy and puts numbers on their arm as motivation. It only reminds me of that yearly Baywatch episode where they do the Iron Man.

There is a Jennie-O $5,000 challenge for the best turkey burger recipe. The other prize, probably better for their unhealthy family, is that Jennie-O will also send a family member of their choice to the Biggest Loser Lodge to get their own transformation. The critics for today's competition are total jerks: children. Olivia makes a green slime burger, which is Greek yogurt with green food coloring. You'd think kids would like gross stuff but it turns out food shouldn't look like Nickelodeon splooged all over it. Hannah puts honey mustard and cheese on her turkey burger. Jay forms his turkey batter into a mini volcano and fills the center with ketchup and cheese so it'll bake and overflow. Irene's burger has cheese, turkey bacon, and "fancy fry sauce." Wait, where have I heard fancy sauce before? Totally blanking, but I know it was reality TV. Jay receives the most votes from the kids and wins the $5k and the Biggest Loser Ranch prize (for his wife).

There is one last challenge to "overcome obstacles" which translates to obstacles on a golf course and preparing for the finale. Last season's winner, Patrick, comes onto the green to do nothing. The challenge itself is to carry golf bags holding all the weight they've lost since arriving on campus, bit by bit. You've seen this challenge every year so no explanation necessary. The winner of the challenge gets an at-home gym installed in their home, which is a pretty great prize considering how hard it is to motivate yourself to go to the gym sometimes. Set to motivational music, the losers emotionally drop their weights. Hannah completes the course first and wins the gym (worth $15,000). But there's one more little surprise: everybody's going home with an arc trainer, whatever that is.

There's one final last chance work-out, set to motivational music, where the losers and trainers get one last hoorah together. Cue the voiceovers that I fast forward through cause it's weigh-in time and I reeeeally want to watch The Good Wife on time. Irene loses 3 lbs, bringing her down to 144 lbs (she's lost 111 lbs on-campus). Jay gets on the scale and loses 4 lbs, making him 242 lbs (he's lost158 lbs since beginning the show). Olivia and Hannah, the sisters, hope to be the first female pair to make it to the finale together. Olivia drops 4 lbs, automatically advancing her to the finale; she has lost a total of 112 lbs and weighs 149 lbs now. To advance to the finale, Hannah needs to have lost more than 3 lbs. Beep, beep, beep, commercial break. Hannah loses 4 lbs and joins her sister in the finale (and lost 102 lbs total since being on campus). What a happy story! And so Jay and Irene fall below the yellow line, though Irene is technically the Biggest Loser On-Campus for the season. Now America will get to decide who moves onto the finale but I think it's totally obvious it will be an all-girl finale. Girl power!

The losers head home to a motivational music montage ("Cause you're amazing, just the way you are"), and the townsfolk cheer on the newly svelte ladies (and Jay). The fun and cheers end and the losers receive a Biggest Loser DVD with motivational messages from their fat selves from day 1 and a retrospective of their struggles on the ranch. What a long way they've come. But now it's up to America to decide who will join the sisters in the final: Irene or Jay. (coughIrenecough)

Special Edition! The Voice - I thought only recapping The Biggest Loser would be super lonely, so I'm doing a super-special recap of NBC's newest hit, The Voice. So while you're watching Scotty McCreery make pageant faces on Idol I'm watching some legit talent get cheered on by dwarves (Christina Aguilera, Cee Lo).

Ok, so the rules of The Voice. Judges sat in backwards chairs and selected a team of 8 people based solely on their voice. Each week, 2 singers from each team are selected by their coach compete against each other, dueting to a current pop hit, and one person moves onto the live show starting in a few weeks. The coaches are Christina Aguilera, Gnarls Barkley/solo rapper/My Super Sweet 16 party thrower Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and some country dude named Blake Shelton who I don't like. Each coach also has a "trusted advisor" and Blake half wins me over for picking Reba "Fancy" McIntyre. Wow, easier than I thought that would be. It is now week 2- aaaaand scene.

Cee Lo pairs up afro'd, soulful Ty and bearded, bluesy Nakia to perform Neo's "Closer" (Angie and Jesse's wedding song!! Soap moment, bear with me). To better fit their vocal stylings, "Closer" is reworked to be less of a cover and a more unique rendition. After coaching from Cee Lo and advisor R&B singer Monica, the Texans enter the ring (the stage is a ring) to battle. Nakia sounds like (and looks like) Horatio Sanz singing on an SNL skit. While Ty is a good singer, nothing stood out to me so even if he sounds like Horatio Sanz, I'd vote for Nakia to move on. The coaches give feedback after and, no surprise, they like them both sooo much. However, Nakia steals the show for me, the coaches, and ultimately the one vote that matters: Cee Lo's. He moves onto the live show.

Blake's team battles next and he sets duo Elenowen against rocker Jared Blake to battle to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye. I think my favorite part is when Blake demonstrate and sings it as if this song is new to everyone. I'm not a fan of Blake. Jared's dance moves are hella corny and makes it weird to watch. I actually thought as a trio it would sound god awful, but it's not too bad but there are pitchy spots. I wanted to like Elenowen more, but I thought the girl had some bum notes. I don't like either singer really, but someone will stay around. What a surprise, the coaches like everyone's peformance! We get it. Reba's input really matters and she said Jared rocked it and Elenowen were uncomfortable with the song. Blake feels bad dumping Elenowen since he begged for them to join his team, but names Jared Blake the winner of the face-off.

Adam Levine's battle is Javier, that guy from all The Voice commercials pre-season, vs. Angela, who is rocking a Cherry Warnimont headband. They will perform the classic tune "Stand By Me." Adam and Maroon 5's musical advisor coach the singers to take this simple song and really make it special. Javier is pretty amazing. The voice has star power, but Angela is pretty fantastic as well. A real battle this time because it's kind of a toss-up. I've selected Javier as my pick to win for his consistent since Angela had some botched notes near the end. The coaches look blown away by the talent on Adam's team this week, but it's obvious who the coaches prefer (poor Angela). Javier easily wins the battle- no brainer.

Christina Aguilera, who is not Snooki in a platinum wig, selects Beverly with the shaved head and Justin to battle to "Baba O'Reilly." Christina and her advisor, Australian singer Sia (?), get their coach on and Beverly is super passionate when she sings. Justin has never performed this song before and doesn't know the lyrics, so I guess he never listens to classics because everybody knows this song. But his voice is gritty and goes well once he starts to get the hang of it. Beverly is just such a badass and her voice reminds me of Melissa Etheridge so I vote for her, but I give them both thumbs down for waaaaay too many vocal runs. Stop wailing! The coaches are pretty split and impressed that Justin held his own, but Beverly is a force to be reckoned with. Beverly wins the battle and heads to the live show.

So there you go: The Voice. Initially I had no desire to watch what I interpreted as an Idol rip-off and a beat-you-to-the-punch X Factor, but this show has surprised me. Good talent, the coaches are OK. Way better than this horrible, lackluster season of Idol.

Photo Credits: BuddyTV, NBC.com

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