Reality Rundown: Survivor: Heroes vs Villains Super Special Finale Edition

Survivor: Heroes vs Villains Super Special Finale Edition

It's nearly the end of the road, but that doesn't mean Russell can't throw another hissy fit. His latest fit is that Sandra was dumb to play the hidden immunity idol when it wasn't needed, but more importantly, it was dumb that she didn't tell him she had it. That's right: the guy who had never told Sandra in this game he ever had idols demands Sandra tell him. Eat shizz, Russell. Parvati, who has increasingly become a bigger threat, wins immunity which helps the Villains keep their plan of voting off Colby. Colby makes another surrender speech, which he famously did earlier in the season against James, but pleads that Russell consider his options and keep Colby in the game. No such luck and at long last, the entire Hero tribe is eliminated from the game.

It's go-time on operation get-rid-of-Parvati, but first we must endure the stupid montage of remembering all the eliminated survivors. Faaast forward! The final immunity challenge is a to collect various necklaces and escape a giant maze... blindfolded! I did a corn maze this past fall, walked around for an hour with my eyes totally open, and finally escaped the maze through the entrance so this must be hellish. It's all so close and I'm yelling, "Anyone but Russell!" Jerri, Parvati, and Russell all escape the maze at the same time and are so close to grabbing the immunity necklace, but the troll grabs it. Ugh. Russell is guaranteed to be at the final Tribal Council for $1 million.

Sandra and Russell convene and he guarantees he won't vote her out because he is 100% sure he will beat her for the prize. What a douche. Sandra says she's fine with 2nd place, but she knows she still has a chance. So the choice is Jerri or Parvati, with the obvious choice to vote out Parvati who has won challenges, befriended the jury, and has been crazy strategic. Russell also sees the benefit of voting off Jerri because he's totally sure that if Jerri's in the jury she'd vote for him to win.

At Tribal Council, Parvati's argument to keep her in the game is her loyalty to Russell, citing how they've protected each other the whole game. Russell disagrees and claims he's the only one who's done the protecting. This man enrages me. Anyway, the votes come out of the jug and it's Jerri who has been sent to the jury. Aw, Jerri. I had such high hopes for you. But I'll say you might not have won the $1 million, but you've won over a lot of fans. Awwww.

The next morning, the Final 3 share the final day brunch feast and then Sandra burns Russell's hat in the fire when he leaves so everyone can see his bald spot (luckily, we are saved by his buff covering his head). Jeff brings in the jury and asks for opening statements. Sandra argues that she got through this game without a true solid alliance, and that she tried many times to eliminate Russell but the Heroes would never bite. Russell's statement is full of BS and is unapologetic about the way he played and believes he deserves to win. Parvati explains that she was a target from day 1 and had to fight every day to survive. It's so obvious that the jury is casting 0 votes in Russell's direction, citing his horrible behavior and lack of remorse. Parvati is praised for her strength, some key strategic moves, and for doing whatever it took to make it to the end. Rupert apologizes for turning a deaf ear to Sandra when she approached him for strategic reasons, and is able to defend her "coat-tailing" strategy.

By the time Tribal Council is over, it's clear this is going to be a close vote. On screen we see Jerri, Danielle, and Coach vote for Parvati to win (Coach praises Parv as a warrior, then does some weird "King Arthur, out!" salute. Sandra receives votes from Rupert, Candice, and Courtney. But that's all we're getting until the reunion. The reunion opens with our Final 3 looking clean, and Jeff reads the votes. The winner of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains is...

SANDRA!

I think Candice's speech when voting for Sandra summed up why Sandra won: she blurred the line between villain and hero. I definitely respect Sandra's game and her strategy, vote for anyone but me, led her to victory twice now, the 1st 2-time winner of Survivor ever. I won't say I 100% wanted Sandra to win (personally, I think Parvati played a spectacular game), but I'm glad it was anyone but Russell. He needed to be taken down a peg... again.

Speaking of Russell, he won't STFU at the reunion. He belittles Sandra (who isn't taking his crap), claims America should have a say in the final vote, and says he's the best Survivor since he made JT look like a loser and that America likes him. Jeff keeps saying fans are calling this the best season ever, but I disagree. For me, Russell hindered much of my enjoyment of the season towards the end, hogging all the air time, relying mostly on immunity idols for survival, and being a nasty person. But that's me because the viewing public voted Russell the player of the season. Anyways, Russell hogs the 1st half hour of the reunion, while we get to hear from other castoffs. JT's letter/immunity idol handoff is voted the worst move in Survivor history, and I think James' likability factor is blinding them from his stupidity. He had TWO idols and got voted off!

Overall, it's a usual reunion with nothing that awesome but Probst officially announced that the next season will be in Nicaragua. See you in the fall Survivor fans!



Photo Credit: Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: We Won a Million Dollars, Bro

Finale! The Amazing Race • Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains

Finale! The Amazing Race - In the last leg of the race, the final 3 hop on the next flight (which means a very long wait at the airport) to San Francisco. The Bros decide to play a little dirty which includes cutting in line and requesting mid-flight to sit in 1st class and get off the plane quicker. Good move, bros!

The cab drivers really make or break you on the race, and Brent and Caitie get screwed by theirs, who gets lost many times. Tasks this leg include climbing Coit Tower, participating in a virtual reality game at LucasFilms (and it was just like Nick Arcade), and carrying a trunk around San Francisco. The Bros catch an early lead after learning the trick to solving a spinning Star Wars-eqsue clue, with the Cowboys right behind them. Brent and Caitie catch up to the Cowboys, but then lose time after forgetting their money pack.

The final task is a memory challenge with psychedelic concert posters of eliminated teams, and since Jordan has watched 15 seasons of the show, he knew to take note of all the eliminations, challenges, etc. They breeze right through it, but so do the Cowboys. After an intense cab ride edit, the Brothers win The Amazing Race. After speeches about brothers being brought close together, we get one last moment where Brandi tells off Miss Teen USA one last time. Way to ruin the moment, ladies!

Dancing with the Stars - Each pair has to 2 routines this week, and they have to be inspired by an era, which they draw from a hat. Nicole is bummed she has to do a 50's Paso Doble but it's pretty awesome; if only Derek wasn't such a tool. Evan and Erin also do well, channeling the future and the 80's, but it's Ochocino and Niecy at the bottom of the pack. After a results show full of Niecy Nash fat jokes (ex. "I'm picking who's hungriest for the win, and thats' Niecy!"), a mock-Sports Center piece, and Jerry Rice wearing a Let Us Play With Your Look wig, Niecy gets eliminated.

The Biggest Loser - It's the last week on campus and Alison drops a bomb on the contestants: no vote this week, just a single red line. Basically, if you lose the least you go home. Koli and Sunshine are especially happy since they are big losers, and also bitter than Ashley and Darris sent home Sam. We get special guest appearances from 2 former TBL winners: Helen, a now skinny 48 year old, and some dude who proceeded to gain allll his weight back post-show. They give advice, but I think RuPaul's standard "Don't f*ck it up" would be a simpler and more direct approach. The losers also get to meet Dallas Cowboys' star Tony Romo in a Walmart, which is basically the Texan dream. He's also there to talk about fatties, since he dumped one. Kidding- they just exercise together while I exercise my fast forward button.

Michael has a whole bunch of breakdowns this episode since he's still so far from his goal compared to the others. It's pretty hard to watch. Luckily, he's able to stay above the red line. Tis' young Sunshine who falls below the red line with only 2lbs lost but she gets to throw the first pitch at a Minnesota Twins game so that's almost as good as $250,000.

American Idol - Movie theme week and yet again, no Grease 2. Jamie "Blame it on the Alcohol" Foxx is the mentor and after evaluating them gives them a T-shirt: artist or contestant. Big Mike gets contestant, so let's use that as foreshadowing.

The song choices are just plain odd. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Kenny Loggins, but the theme from Caddyshack? Really, Crystal? Casey uses a tiny guitar to sing "Mrs. Robinson", thus ensuring the mom vote across America, and Lee sings "Kiss From A Rose" because who doesn't love Seal and Batman? I think my favorite pick, for sheer laughter, is Big Mike who picks Michael Jackson's "Will You Be There?" from Free Willy. Random! Also random, I totally owned this soundtrack as a kid and it was fantastic because it also had SWV and I loved them and owned their cassette singles. Hello 90s! I think all 4 pretty much suck except for the duets they have to perform. Crystal and Lee sing the song from that movie Once and it's very nice, while Big Mike and Casey sound pretty great on "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?"

The results show brings us the musical styling of formal Idols Fantasia (or Fan-tase-ee-ah, if you're Simon) and Chris Daughtry, as well as a performance by old people Bon Jovi. The obvious lesson that you should never attempt a Michael Jackson song on Idol bites Big Mike in the ass, and he is eliminated. So to conclude with a horrible music pun, Hey Big Mike, "Will You Be There" for the Final 3? No, no you will not.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - A Sprint product placement arrives this week to also bring the good news that their families have come for a visit. Jerri wins the reward challenge to bring her sister to "The Blowholes" and gets to bring along 2 other people, so she brings Parvati/her dad and Sandra/her uncle. This infuriates Russell who goes back to camp like a spoiled 5 year old, complaining about Jerri betraying him and this is a million dollar mistake. Russell proposes to Rupert and Colby a men's final 3 alliance and they're down for it, especially Rupert who thinks that bringing the best villain with him to the finals would for sure give him the million. The plan: pull Jerri in for this week's vote and take out Parvati.

Too bad for big baby Russell, Parvati gets immunity. Russell immediately jumps ship to take out Rupert, but Sandra also approaches Rupert to take out Russell. Blabbermouth Rupert tells Russell who again goes on a tirade and only Sandra has the balls to point out everyone is keeping Russell in the game for a guaranteed win and that she's also against him. Big baby Russell fumes more and proposes taking out Sandra in his fit of rage.

Going into Tribal Council, Sandra felt really secure with her position until the Q&A so Sandra decides to play her hidden immunity idol, as this is the final Tribal for idols. Votes cast for Sandra are null and til the jolly hippie Rupert leaving the game (well, he would've been out even if Sandra kept her idol because it was 4-2). Sunday: FINALE! Stay tuned for a super special edition of the Reality Rundown for the Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains FINALE!



Photo Credits: ABC.com, BuddyTV, RealityWanted, Survivor.com, Unreality Shout

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Reality Rundown: Not A Good Week for Silicone Boobs

The Amazing Race • Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains

The Amazing Race - The teams continue the race in China, where the language barrier becomes a significant hindrance in getting around. The Brothers get so stressed and confused that they wait 2 hours until the Detectives are ably to race, knowing that at least if they tie-up the Detectives still have to do a Speed Bump (tossing coins into an incense thingie). The Brothers proceed to have an in-cab flip-out because their driver doesn't understand "follow that green cab." I can't blame them because if I were in a race for $1 million and some cabbie was doing a crap job, I'd be livid.

Miss Teen USA and the Cowboys are pretty much tied the whole leg. The Roadblock is to count golden statues and it takes Caitie a while and I'm kinda convinced that after her 3rd or 4th try that she looked at whatever answer the Cowboys wrote down. The Detour is to navigate busy streets with dumplings or search for a stamp with their name on it. Um, definitely the stamps. Miss Teen USA spends the whole leg telling us viewers she's not dumb (while Brent begs to take a pee), and I say, put it on a T-shirt and shut up. You might be able to read a subway map but you're still loud and rude; also, they are team #1 (and now get to meet one of the world's tallest men). Through what I will assume is clever editing to make us second guess who makes it to the finals, the Brothers are team #3 and the Detectives are eliminated. High point of the episode: getting to ride in a sidecar motorcycle. Of all the fun stuff they get to do, this would've been my favorite thing ever.

Dancing with the Stars - Evan Lysacek scores the first perfect 30 of the season, eventhough Kari Ann declared Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls as the best dancer they've ever had. The group dance put 3 pairs together to do a routine to either Lady Gaga or Madonna. The Gaga group was what I'd call the "sexy" team: Nicole, Ochocinco, and Pam Anderson. They were pretty great, though I think Pam was dead weight. The Madonna team (Erin, Niecy, Evan) was meh, with Niecy being their weak link (but she is my favorite so I hope she lasts a while longer). The bottom 2 ends up being Pam Anderson and Erin Andrews the ESPN girl, with Pamela getting her dancing shoes revoked in the end.

The Biggest Loser - This is the week my mom, I mean everyone, has been waiting for: makeovers! They're pretty underwhelming considering they just said "here's $1,000 bucks from Multi-Grain Cheerios" and dropped them off at what appeared to be Fashion Bug and then Shear Genius judge/ex-Blowout star Jonathan Antin does their hair. Michael makes me sad because he still has to shop at a plus-size store because, despite losing close to 200lbs, he's still 300+ lbs. Darris gets the biggest makeover, hacking off that crazy afro of curls and greasing (sans product it's still kind wacky). The losers marvel at themselves in a 2-way mirror and are reunited with family for an exclusive concert with Ashanti. Wow, she's even less current than Shania Twain (callback to last week!)

At the weigh-in, skinny Sam and big Michael fall below the yellow line and now the game comes into play. If you keep Sam around, he's easy to beat in the finals. Michael needs to be on campus, but still has like another 150lbs to lose. Koli and Sunshine vote off Michael, while Ashley and Darris (who made an alliance with Michael) vote off Sam. In the case of a tie, the loser with the lowest percentage of weight-loss goes home, and that's Sam. But Sam's living the high life post-TBL: he lost his goal weight on campus (a TBL first), moved to LA, and found love with ex-purple team member Stephanie (that's the daughter, not her mom).

American Idol - In season 9's grand tradition of decimating great music classics, the Idols take on Frank Sinatra this week with the help of Harry Connick, Jr. who does all the musical arrangements. In positives, we don't have to suffer through the contestants playing guitar. In negatives, we still have to suffer through their terrible singing. The judges like Big Mike and Lee best, but America really has it in for Big Mike and sends him to the bottom 2 again. It's wee little Aaron Kelley who gets the boot after the most insane, bizarre Lady Gaga live performance ever. Seriously, it'll give you bizarre dreams.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - Rupert and Russell get into it at camp and it's pretty awesome, with Russell calling Rupert the second coming of Christ. I can't believe I'm saying since because you all know I was anti-Rupert when the cast was announced, but I am loving that Rupert ain't takin' Russell's shit. Anyways, Parvati wins individual immunity, the others get some nutrition, and Jeff reads a clue to yet another Hidden Immunity Idol to everyone. Sandra is the one who finds the idol and stashes it. Rupert decides to play the game and puts a rock in his cargo shorts, giving the impression of an idol. Russell sees this and instructs the villains to split the votes between Rupert and Colby to flush out the idol. However, the villain women are kind of ready to get rid of Candice, which Colby picks up on. They play off of this and at Tribal Council, Candice becomes the next member of the jury.

Wait kids, there's more! Double Tribal night! The villains vow to stay 5 strong and Russell wins immunity and I'm pissed. Can't we get rid of this troll? Russell realizes that Parvati and Danielle are tight so tries to play them against each other and fails miserably. The girls want to stick to the plan to axe Rupert, while Russell approaches Rupert and Colby to take out Danielle. At Tribal Council it looks like the women will stick together until Danielle opens her big mouth and spills that her and Parvati are closer than Russell knows. This infuriates Russell, who then looks to Jerri and mouths, "Danielle." The votes are cast and Jerri's vote will seal her fate: she votes off Danielle and her terrifying fake boobs. At this point, as long as Jerri is still in this game all is right in my world. Jerri FTW!



Photo Credits: ABC.com, BuddyTV, CBS.com, Daemon's TV, NBC.com, TVGrapevine

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Reality Rundown: So Spiderman's Not Inspirational?

Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser • American Idol •
Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains • Finale! Project Runway

Dancing with the Stars - This week the "stars" dance to music from movies and at no point does anyone perform a single number to Grease 2 so I'm not impressed. Nicole from The Pussycat Dolls finally out-dances Evan Lysacek and gets a near perfect score (Len Goodman is such an uptight fuddy-duddy- did I really just use that word?) Kate Gosselin, decked out in her Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? hair bow, racks up yet another lowest score of the night, with a brutal dance to "Don't You Forget About Me" from The Breakfast Club. Kate finally lands herself in the bottom 2 with Pam Anderson (who again did well but women hate her) but it looks like ABC hopefully unplugged Kate's phone line as she is finally eliminated. FINALLY.

The Biggest Loser - The show starts of on my favorite note: temptation! The kitchen is closed all day and for all 3 meals, the losers must eat from a room filled with healthy choices and all the most amazing treats ever. Koli decides saving his cousin Sam is most important, so gorges himself with 4,100 calories worth of grub and wins the sole vote at this week's weigh-in (unless he falls below the yellow line, in which case he loses that power). While the losers laugh it up at the indulgence, deep down they're all worried because if anyone falls below with Sam, they're screwed.

Darris (that guy in orange that gets no screen-time) wins a 1lb advantage in a challenge. O'Neal comes in last and gets a 1lb disadvantage. However, O'Neal didn't really lose since he fell and popped his knee. O'Neal's terrible horrible no-good very bad week continues with his bad knee and news his brother passed away from cancer. Koli decides that if O'Neal falls below the yellow line, he would vote to keep O'Neal in the game. Lucky for O'Neal, he loses 8lbs and it's pretty great. Bad news is his daughter, Sunshine, falls below along with Victoria, the recently returned Blue team member. Koli casts his one vote for Victoria, which he attributes to her not pushing herself hard enough. She's kind of hurt by these words, but leaves on a positive note with new motivation.

American Idol - In honor of this week's Idol Gives Back special, each contestant has to perform an inspirational song. Oh god, torture. But it turns out, no one really sings inspirational songs and besides Crystal Bowersox, it's another hour of painful singing (thank god Glee is on after with some actual talent). The high point of the night came after Big Mike performed "Hero" by Nickelback; Simon commented that the song isn't really inspirational because it's about Spiderman. I must've re-played this about 3 times last night. Simon, you will be missed.

The Idol Gives Back/results show 2 hour bonanza proves that 1. our world is in need of help and 2. even professionals can't perform live. Seriously, did being around this lackluster cast cause everyone else to perform miserably? Any of us with common sense DVRed the show to skip past mostly everything, but of course the show ran over. Thanks to Jimmy Kimmel Live I learned that Tim Urban and his Zac Efron ice cream scoop hair went home. Did I mention the show ran 24 minutes late? Idol, no one likes you anymore so suck it up and be courteous to the people still hanging on to this shitshow.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The tribes merge to form the Yin Yang Twins tribe. Right off the bat the Heroes are shocked to see Parvati, but JT and Rupert buy Russell's story hook, line and sinker: both Parvati and Russell played idols at the same time and Courtney went home in a re-vote. All the Heroes want Parvati gone because 1. she's a threat, 2. she's awesome, and 3. she's a banana grubber. Sandra gets a chance to let Rupert know Russell is a liar and he's the puppetmaster, but JT refuses to hear out Rupert. It's amazing that Rupert is actually the smart one here- it boggles my mind. The plan is to smoke out Russell: tell Russell to vote Parvati, but all the Heroes will vote out Sandra or Jerri to see how Russell votes.

Danielle wins individual immunity, like it even matters. Parvati reveals to Amanda she has a Hidden Immunity Idol but can immediately sense Amanda is a complete liar. Right before Tribal, Russell gives Parvati his Hidden Immunity Idol (formerly JT's) for her to play tonight and save herself. So to keep track Parvati has 2 Idols and I remember how excited I was when my friends had 2 cakes at their wedding, so I bet this is even better.

At Tribal Council, the votes are cast and it looks like my girl Jerri could be going home and I'm devastated. But right before Jeff reads the votes, maybe the greatest thing ever happens. Parvati announces she'd like to stick around the see the plantains ripen and hands her Hidden Immunity Idol to SANDRA! Wait, wait, it gets better! Parvati then announces she wants to hedge her bets more and hands her OTHER Immunity Idol to Jerri! AWWWW SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT. The Heroes get completely SERVED and JT is sent home by his own stupidity to give an Idol to Russell. Bravo Parvati- you are a winner in my book!

Finale! Project Runway - Finale time and I'm shocked that there's no last minute outfit to create. In fact, the show jumps kinda quickly into Bryant Park (or maybe it's because I fast forward through that L'Oreal Paris BS). Seth Aaron's collection is first and I immediately declare him the winner. It's a more sophisticated and expensive and still so Seth Aaron; colorful prints with a hard edge. What's black and white and still really annoying? Mila. Her collection is what you'd expect: coats, skirts and mini-dresses, baggy sweaters and mostly black and white but at least she styled her models to be more modern. Emilio's is last and I'm bored. Sure it's tailored nicely, but couldn't you buy any of his stuff at Ann Taylor or Banana Republic? I will say his greenish gold evening gown was a total stunner- loved that. Judges, do you really need to deliberate?

Apparently so. The judges, along with guest judge Faith Hill, put their well-coiffed heads together to select a winner. Seth Aaron's collection definitely seems to have an edge as he indeed put on a show, though some argue it wasn't as surprising. Mila's collection has a similar critique: same old, same old. Emilio's collection is obviously not winning. Michael Kors points out that Emilio thought more about branding and it was more of him launching a line rather than showing a collection. Mila's AUF'D first (much to the relief of all who feared the season bitch would win 2 seasons in a row). Heidi says Seth Aaron's name, pauses for like 2 minutes, and declares him the winner. WAHOO! I finally get a winner right!


Photo Credits: ABC.com, Billboard.com, MyLifetime.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Ladies Get Their Way, Bitches Don't

The Amazing Race • Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains • Project Runway

The Amazing Race - The teams travel via bus and sleeper train to Singapore, where they are cautioned a U-Turn is ahead. Carol and Brady better watch out, because Miss Teen USA and the detectives want them out. The detectives say it's because they are world travelers, but Miss Teen USA says that the "lesbians" (and say it in a nasty tone) are just mean. Brett won't let Carol and Brady pass them on the train because "Ladies get their way, bitches don't." What about dumb people?

Upon arrival in Singapore, they have to find Allan Wu who is the Asian Phil Keoghan, meaning he hosts The Amazing Race: Asia. I immediately already like this guy more and want him to host our version; sorry Phil, but I've kind of tired of you- you're no Probst! The brothers quickly find Allan and decide to take on the race's first and only Fast Forward: ride the Singapore Flyer, the world's largest observation wheel, to the top and once at the top, get out of the car and traverse to the car in front of it. Wow- awesome! Coolest task ever on the show? One brother is afraid of heights but they ace it, check in first and win motorbikes.

The other teams head straight to the Detour, a choice of a drum routine or selling ice cream sandwiches (which hilariously in Singapore can be made with actual slices of bread). The drums is the first choice for all, though the detectives go back and forth to the Fast Forward and eventually sell the ice cream. Brent and Caite, Miss Teen USA, do in fact yield Carol and Brandy and they're pissed. The Road Block is a lame counting giant chain task and then get to ride a zip line. Carol and Brandy are able to catch up, but it's not enough and they are eliminated. U-Turn: 2, Racers: 0.

Dancing with the Stars - Passion night is the theme, which should not be confused with Passions night featuring the sensual love of Precious the Orangutan and Luis. In what I assume is an attempt to make the scores more fair, each pair received 2 scores: one for technique, one for performance. Kate Gosselin was, surprise!, the lowest of the night though she got performance props for the judges saying she was finally dancing. Was I watching the same performance? Evan Lysacek's domination continued another week with top scores, and Pam Anderson showed she can be graceful and not just whorish. With the 2nd lowest score, ex-soap star Aiden Turner is eliminated and now he's unemployed... twice. Should've gone shirtless soon, Aiden.

The Biggest Loser - You would think Oprah hosted this week cause there were CAAAAAARS! Oh, and cash too. Michael won $2k by balancing quarters the longest, while Drea and O'Neal won Mazdas for retrieving keys off of weather balloons. Suze Orman also stopped by and her jacket was really boring compared to the jazzy stuff she usually wears. Based on FICA and credit, Suze picked Sunshine to win the whole show. This sounds like BS but last year Suze predicted Danny would win based on finances, and he did. Danny stops by as well to enforce calorie counting, the importance of thinking like a winner, and how to work on.

The losers are able to cut loose and mud wrestle with Jillian and Bob, but it's all depression at the weigh-in. Just when Drea decides she is a winner she's dubbed a loser and voted off the ranch. But at least she can drive herself home in hew new car, right?

American Idol - After destroying the Beatles and Rolling Stones this season, it seems like the logical progression is to continue destoying legends of music. This week they picked Elvis. Since he died on the toilet many moons ago, they opted to at least try and replicate Elvis' hair and got outrageous 2nd runner up Adam Lambert to be a mentor, and he was fantastic. At long last a mentor who tells them they are dullsville and need to get a personality. Since Big Mike was spared last week, 2 dullards will get the axe this week. The honor of being kicked off this week went to Andrew Garcia (which has been a long time coming) and some girl Katie who is 17 and boring and so not surprising. Next week: Idol Gives Back. Boooooring.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The Villains get their shizz together (OK they can balance better than the Heroes fatties) and win a feast courtesy of Outback Steakhouse. It's a pretty great feast except there's none of that amazing Outback bread which is hands down the best restaurant bread ever, so I'd be complaining. While Danielle yaps about how much she's been craving salad out here (Seriously? You haven't eaten in a month and want salad?), Parvati finds a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol in her napkin. She shares this info with Danielle and back at camp find the Idol, but decide to keep Russell out of the loop for the time being.

Not like Russell needs to worry. JT, who didn't need Outback Steakhouse cause he's eaten "like 1,000 steaks before" comes up with a "brilliant" plan. Since the Heroes believe the Villains have a women's alliance, JT will write Russell a note and slip him the Hidden Immunity Idol that JT found last week. The note instructs Russell to save himself and vote off Parvati. Only Amanda and Candice think think this is a dumb move, but sure enough, the plan happens. Colby tells Russell midway through the Immunity Challenge about what's going to happen and after a slaughtering of the Villains, JT quickly hands off the Idol. O. M. G. As Russell so awesomely puts it: the king of Immunity Idols doesn't have to look for them anymore, people are giving them to him!

Back at camp, Parvati and Russell read JT's note aloud and it's pretty hilarious in a cheesy way. Obviously, they aren't going to follow JT's instructions. The choice is between weaklings Sandra and Courtney, and the Villains opt to send Courtney to the jury. Speaking of the jury, Coach steals the Tribal Council scene by arriving wearing a kimono, feather necklace, and sitting meditation style. Oh Dragonslayer, I miss you already.

Project Runway - The designers depart NYC to work on their collections at home. Tim Gunn visits each of them at the 3 month mark to give advice. Tim Gunn thinks Seth Aaron's lacks surprise, Emilio's is ugly, Mila has to be careful of matron-ness, and Jay's looks overdesigned. While stakes are high for all, Jay and Mila aren't fully into Fashion Week yet. They will present 3 looks each to Heidi, Michael Kors, and Nina Garcia and winner goes to Fashion Week.

Jay and Mila kiss and make up after hating each other and rush to prepare their 3 looks for viewing. Mila is inspired by shadows and go figure, it's black and white and stuck in the 60s (did I mention her dog is a dalmation? go figure!) Jay was inspired by samurai and it's futuristic, but still a little over the top. Heidi prefers Mila, Michael wants Jay, and Nina in undecided. The decision is really what do you want to see more of: big baggy sweaters or tailored futuristic pants? The answer is Mila. Should I bet everyone $100 that next week they smack them with a 13th look challenge? We'll see!



Photo Credits: ABC.com, CBS.com, Kitchen Cow, MyLifetime.com, NBC.com, NYDailyNews.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Melissa Got Served... Again

The Amazing Race • Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains • Project Runway
The Amazing Race - Luggage-less Steve/Allie and the rest of the teams jet to the next leg of the race in Malaysia. This episode could be called "the one with the cab blunders" which includes ditching cabs, cabs leaving teams behind, and random gas tank fill-ups. The Detour has the teams workin' the pole: balance a flag pole on their heads or carry incense poles up temple stairs. The head balance seems ridiculously hard in theory, but the Cowboys choice of their Detour gives them an early lead.

The Detour is even easier, having to smash coconuts until you find one filled with paint and then put it on a mini alter to send it off to sea. The Cowboys, who were spared elimination last leg, also have to complete a ridiculously easy Speed Bump of sniffing and identifying tea. The Cowboys are the first team to ever move from dead last place to first place and this victory makes my mom very happy. Because they stupidity ditched their cabs to run at some point, the Brothers and Father/Daughter are the bottom 2 but Steve/Allie's Detour-hopping puts them behind and eliminates them from the race. They are officially the team that made it the furthest with the least amount of screentime.

Dancing with the Stars - Instead of just poorly dancing this week, they will have to also create a story to accompany the poor dancing. Such epic sagas included Buzz Aldrin as an old man coming back from the war, Jake the Bachelor as an archaelogist that finds some Egyptian skanky lady, and Kate Gosselin avoiding the paparazzi to Lady GaGa's "Paparazzi". Kate Gosselin was hands down the worst of the night; so stiff, never bending knees, no emotion, and not even trying. Buzz Aldrin may be terrible, but at least he's putting his heart into it. Yet again America proves their stupidity and doesn't even put Kate into the bottom 2; that honor goes to Buzz and Jake. Buzz Aldrin is eliminated and deep down I think his partner is kinda relieved she doesn't have to dance with her grandpa anymore. And we can re-live Kate's fantastic dance through Jimmy Fallon's much better rendition.

The Biggest Loser - An ominous red button is placed in the gym this week, giving the 1st loser to lose 2% of their bodyweight immunity. They only have one chance to press the button and weigh-in and Melissa won't shut up about how much she wants and needs immunity. Victoria is the 1st to press the button, but didn't lose enough. That honor goes to Sam, who had to lose 6lbs, and ended up losing 10. It's jaw-dropping and now he doesn't have to weigh-in again til next week, so his numbers should be huge.

In a challenge of toting weights in a pool, Sunshine wins a trip to the Biggest Loser Fitness Lodge, which Melissa comes in last place and gets a 1lb penalty. Melissa wasn't originally last, but all the other losers chose to help O'Neal and Michael instead of nasty, game-playing Melissa. Sure enough, Melissa falls below the yellow line with Drea. Melissa makes a good argument that she's an easier win and way to get to the finals, but these people aren't here for the game just yet. Melissa is voted off for a second time (SERVED!) and her incessant jabber about wanting the prize money finally ends.

American Idol - It's time to butcher more classics, so Idol revisits a season 7 favorite: the songs of Lennon and McCartney (the Beatles, not the Communists). The judges seemed to like the performances better this week, but it was still more torture for me, especially when spectacled hipster Andrew Garcia did a really corny rendition of "Can't Buy Me Love" which is like the only Beatles song I like. Yeah I said it, I'm not a Beatles fan. I wish they could've done George Harrison tunes and jammed to "Got My Mind Set On You." Crystal and Lee decided to stick out by being accompanied by a didgeridoo and a bagpiper, respectively; um, yeah?

Andrew and Big Mike are the bottom 2, and Ryan lets Andrew know he's safe. I'm sick of Andrew cause he's skated by for weeks on 1 really good audition. Anyways, Big Mike sings "This Woman's Work" for his life and just before the clock strikes 10 and my DVR switches channels, the judges decide to save Big Mike and keep him in the competition.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The Heroes win both reward and immunity again this week, and look like frightening giant turds as the end result of a mud race. After seeing the new Villains tribe though, they make the mistake in believing the Villain women are picking off the men, capping it off with a hilarious moment of JT mouthing to Russell, "Hang in there!" JT also finds the Hidden Immunity Idol but is quickly discovered so is forced so share his find with the tribe.

The Villains are falling apart quick, first by assuming the reward challenge was a merge (it wasn't, so Jeff messed with the players telling them to "Drop their... expectations." SERVED!). After the challenge, Jerri gets angry about Coach decision to have Courtney and Sandra, their weakest players, sit out for the reward challenge rather than immunity. Sandra and Courtney are tired of being at fault for everything, so Sandra decides to take down Coach, putting a bug in Russell's ear that Coach wanted Russell gone. This makes Russell angry, of course, but also is a great move for Russell game-wise because if Coach is gone, it looks like the women are taking out the men and the Heroes will want him in their post-merge alliance. Danielle gets pissed about taking out a strong man when Courtney can't physically do anything. Russell's immediate reaction is anger; how dare anyone question Russell's decisions?? But then he changes his mind... again! At Tribal, based on everyone's answers, it looks like Courtney and her skeletal body are getting snuffed but by a 4-3 vote the Dragonslayer has been taken down again. Is it sad to admit I am going to miss Coach?

Project Runway - Warning: if you dislike clowns and circus freaks, the first 7 minutes episode of this episode may alarm you. The designers go to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus and must create an outfit inspired by the circus. Last time I went to the circus you got to go meet all the performers before the show and there was a little person performer spinning plates and he dropped one and got really pissed; sadly he's not on this episode.

Anyways, what everyone gets from the circus is black and white stripes and obnoxious colors. The stakes are high this week because only 3 will move onto Bryant Park (of course if you watched this show before, you'll know that's likely not the case). I know the looks are supposed to be circus, but it looks more like a Sue Ellen Crandall fashion show ("I'm right on top of it, Rose!") Seth Aaron makes some crazy coat and red leather pants; the judges like it, but the crotch is weird. Emilio wins the challenge yet again, with the judges calling it the best look of the entire season, with a gown that I'm just not getting; too many patterns for me maybe? Anyways, these 2 easily advance to the finals.

Onto the rest of the bad (I thought all the looks this week were biggest circus turds than what elephants leave behind). Anthony makes a $300 polyester dress without realizing it was polyester; he's obviously eliminated again. The judges have to decide between Mila and Jay for the final spot at Fashion Week. Mila's look burns my eyes and while the coat's OK, the rest is wacky. Jay's look is well-crafted but without his Michael Jackson coat, it's nothing that special. Mila is told she's in, but don't let your heart sink because, SHOCKER!, Jay is in too. Like they've done every season since like season 3, they'll duke it out right before fashion week. Next week: Tim visits the designers at home and they ignore his advice, which is good cause Tim's been so off his game this season.


Photo Credit: BuddyTV, CBS.com, Dlisted, MyLifetime.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: [Boston] Robbed of a Million Dollars

The Amazing Race • New! Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains • Project Runway

The Amazing Race - The teams finally get an equalizer and all board the flight to the remote island range of the Seychelles. The Detour is a choice of filling an ox-drawn cart with coconuts or lure a giant tortoise with a banana and then carry a bunch of bananas. Most teams go right for the ox, but the father/daughter easily accomplish the tortoise task. The problem? They leave their backpacks behind, so while they have their passports and money, it looks like they'll be spending the rest of the race in the clothes on their backs and sans-makeup.

The coconuts prove to be a detriment to many teams who accidentally missed a one in the pile and have to return to retrieve the forgotten coconut. Miss Teen USA kept whining that "it's not faaaair," but read the rules, ding-dong. The Road Block sends one teammate into the ocean to receive a message in a bottle; they swim to shore after to find a puzzle of a map inside the bottle with a clue to the Pit Stop. The bagless father/daughter are team #1 and win a bunch of 7-Up prizes because apparently there was a "7" theme this leg; I sure as hell didn't catch that. The lesbians and the cowboys are at the back of the pack this week, neck and neck by making dumb mistakes. The cowboys are 5th to arrive but can't be checked in because they left their message in a bottle on the boat; they have to swim back to retrieve it. The lesbians catch-up and are checked-in as team #5. Good news for the cowboys is that it's a non-elimination leg. Yee-haw.

New! Dancing with the Stars - Much like Idol I don't plan to do full recaps, but I'll give updates. The "stars" had 2 weeks to prove their dancing skills, and it's pretty obvious the worst 2 are Buzz Aldrin and Kate Gosselin who tanked both weeks. Others are stars (Pussycat Doll Nicole) and others are middle of the pack. My support goes to Shannen Doherty AKA Brenda Walsh who had a bad week 1 and a great jazz week 2. To my shock, my girl Brenda Shannen, who the judges declared had a lot of dancing potential, gets ousted first by America (and by America I mean 48 year old women who I guess are still big Dylan & Kelly fans) and instead keep the biggest bitch on earth (I'll let you guess who).

The Biggest Loser - Teams finally end tonight, but of course they can't just allow the remaining 9 to continue: they have to bring someone back. All the ex-losers come back and weigh-in, but the catch is this season the on-ranch losers will get to vote who should come back. In comes down to one of the 400lb twins and a young girl from the Blue team who never got a chance on the ranch. Blue Team girl is back on the ranch which I'm happy about because this girl never got a chance to really train; that fat twin came to the ranch, didn't do well, and then hasn't even done much better at home. And then there were 10...

Until Alison makes another announcement: another person gets to come back. Whoever completes 1,000 steps first gets back on the ranch: Melissa, the game-playing red team bitch who last week complained that she needed her husband Lance back at home, gets back into the game.

The main drama this week starts with Pink Ashley has doubts about Purple Stephanie's loyalty to her. Koli doesn't help much as he puts the idea into Ashley's head that Steph threw the weigh-in when Ashley's mother got voted off. Ashley, Drea, and Steph talk and it's lots of tears and doubting. It's really not a good week to have people questioning your loyalty and when Stephanie and Sam fall below the yellow line, it's Stephanie who gets voted off. They claim it's game play, but how is a strong guy not considered a bigger threat? Whatever! Sam and Steph are the big winners cause they're dating in real life- so suck it, losers!

American Idol - This week the contestants were asked to sing R&B music with mentor Usher (or Ur-shur, if you're a Ludacris fan). As usual, I watched the first hour and felt tortured. Did I miss the rule that all R&B songs needed to be from 1967 or earlier? The results show featured a ginormous amount of filler, including really terrible performances by Ruben Studdard, Usher, and P.Diddy (who also used Pokemon-seizure inducing lighting). Didi Benami, who has a voice made for Grey's Anatomy background music was the lowest vote getter and the judges chose to not save her, but you wouldn't know that unless you watched live because the show ran 3 minutes late.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - James' ouster last week creates a "fantastic 5" (Rupert's words, not mine). The Heroes win both Reward and Immunity this week, and while on the Reward feast find a new clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. Their new BFF bonding leads the team to decide to find the Idol together and use it to take down the Villains.

It's a clear divide on the Villains camp with Boston Rob, Sandra and Courtney on one side and Russell, Parvati, and Danielle on the other. Coach and Jerri are the floaters and Russell seeks this opportunity to sway Jerri to his team. Coach gives his word to B-Rob not to vote for him, but also gives his word to Russell. Coach just wants to keep the team strong and believes getting rid of Courtney would help the team win challenges; Russell also agrees, but he's sick of B-Rob. At Tribal Council, Coach is the sole vote for Courtney while the remaining votes aim to take down the 2 biggest threats on the tribe. My Boston heart sinks as Rob is voted off and let's Coach know on the way out he's a little man. I guarantee Coach cries when he gets back to camp.

Project Runway - The challenge this week is to create a red carpet look for a "very picky" celebrity and if you for more than 5 seconds thought it was going to be anyone but Heidi Klum, you must've been drinking away your Survivor sorrows. She won't have her baby bump when the look is needed, so at least they don't have to dress a fatso. Maya, the youngest in the competition, drops out of Runway because she feels in over her head and not ready for this; to display this, we get a nice montage of all these moments where the judges lightly call her a copycat. Has no one broken the news to her that she'll still have to make an entire collection for Fashion Week as a decoy? But in great news, sassy Anthony is back for a second chance!

Onto the judging with special guest judge, Jessica [Miser]Alba! Anthony makes a flowy black and white floor-length dress that I adore, and so do the judges- way to come back with a vengeance! Emilio's look is described as impeccable; it's sexy and has an interesting fabric. Sometime it looks cheap, other times it looks glamorous. Emilio and Anthony are both selected as this week's winners, which might be a Runway first. Heidi chooses Emilio's dress to wear, and Jessica Alba selects Anthony as the winner and requests to wear his dress.

For the bad stuff. Seth Aaron's look is very him, but not very flattering to Heidi. Mila makes a sexy blackish/gray with gold striped dress but it shows a lot of boobage in weird ways and Nina says it's something the Real Housewives of New Jersey would wear (that's not a compliment). Jay's dress is cute on the top, but the bottom isn't flattering; it gives the impression of a big butt and hips and no one wants that. Jonathan's dress is super-short and has the coloring of the Red Feathers from Troop Beverly Hills; it was his 3rd attempt and definitely rushed. And if for more than 5 seconds you thought Jonathan could scrape by again this week, you need to put down the bottle and have a coffee. But hey, at least he's not a quitter like Maya!

Photo Credit: ABC.com, BuddyTV, MyLifetime.com, PopTower, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Cupcake Karma

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • American Idol •
Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains • Project Runway

The Amazing Race - The contestants stick around for another leg in France, tasked to retrieve their next clue at the only outdoor statue of Joan of Arc in the town of Reims. If you ask Jordan of Team Big Brother who Joan of Arc is, expect her to talk about a guy bringing 2 of each animal onto a giant wooden yacht. The clue sends teams to a Road Block at a wine cellar where they must search for a bottle marked with a teeny Amazing Race flag and then they get to open the bottle with a sword. It is awesome and now a task for my bucket list.

The clue inside the bottle leads several teams back to Reims, which is incorrect. Most make up the time easily. The Detour is a choice of 2 Champagne region tasks: find a bunch of grapes with another teeny flag or make a 15-level high stack of champagne glasses and successfully pour the champagne on top without it breaking. The grapes turn out to be a far easier task than expected and most teams select this option, though the brothers choose to do the glasses and succeed. They now plan to offer their champagne skills are bar mitzvahs and weddings. Miss Teen USA team can't make up their mind about the Detour and after breaking the glasses opt to search for the grape bunch. Team Big Brother appears to catch-up and stupidly choose the glasses and fail. As the sun sets and night falls, Jordan and Jeff search for grapes in the dark but it doesn't really matter and Team Big Brother is eliminated from the race.

The Biggest Loser - All the losers get to go home for the week and get so excited. Do they forget whenever they go home they never work out, pig out, and end of being full of shame? I guess not.

Upon arriving home, the losers find giant crates in their house. The contents of the crate: a work-out bike, a DVD, and a box of delicious mini-cupcakes. The DVD is Alison telling the losers they have an at-home challenge for a chance to win $10k. The losers will need to ride a marathon on the work-out bike, 26.2 miles, and whoever is first wins. Wait, no because there is a temptation too. For every cupcake the losers eat (100 calories each) they can add 5 minutes onto another player's time. Strong Sam is the main target, but tons of cupcakes are eaten. Michael eats 6, Drea eats 9, and Lance eats 17! His wife may have claimed she didn't play the game by throwing weigh-ins, but it's so obvious now. So everyone rides the bikes in front of their hometown and while Sam comes in first, he got 50 cupcake minutes. The winner is Sam's cousin Koli, who thankfully had no cupcakes eaten in his honor.

The losers return to the ranch and did pretty well at home, but Lance feels guilty for abandoning his family again. At no point does he express any cupcake guilt, and I'm assuming Bob doesn't know about it either. At the weigh-in, everyone does pretty well at home. The Black teams shocks the world by completing dominating the weigh-in; Sam even loses 14lbs at home. So the Blue team is faced with elimination and for a split second it seems like Michael could go home, since his grandmother is extremely sick. It looks like cupcake karma has come back to bite Lance and he is sent snacking- I mean packing.

American Idol - There a bigger stakes in this week's episode as whoever gets axed this week won't get to go on the Idols Top 10 Tour. The theme is Billboard #1 hits and their mentor is... Miley Cyrus. Because she's such a legend of music. In all honesty, she wasn't a bad mentor at all I just don't think she is qualified. Anyways, the most random songs are selected and I only saw the 1st hour and it was horrible. Paige Miles had one of the worst performances in the history of Idol and was rightfully kicked off. Also, Miley had a really cool color nail polish.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The episode immediately kicks off with the Russell vs. Boston Rob rivalry and it appears tonight, one of them is going down. At the Immunity Challenge, Jeff informs the survivors that both tribes will be going to Tribal Council tonight so 1 person from each tribe will win immunity. Candace, who was next on the Heroes chopping block, wins immunity and therefore moves Colby up in the rankings. Boston Rob wins for the villains and I cheer happily- suck it, Russell! The 2 winners also battle head to head: that winner and their tribe will get to watch the loser's Tribal Council and chow down on some hot dogs. Boston Rob wins again- talk about a hero!

At Villains camp the vote is obvious: Parvati. B-Rob warns Russell in advance, in hopes flushing the Idol out of Russell but Russell ain't dumb. He approaches Parvati and plans to give her his Idol to take out Tyson. Tyson?! Nooo! B-Rob is smart though and decides they need a back-up plan to make sure either Parvati or Russell leave. The plan is to split the votes evenly between the 2 and force a 3-way tie between Russell, Parvati, and Tyson and at the re-vote get rid of Russell. But right before Tribal, Russell considers the fact that these people could be smart and force the 3-way tie, so he makes his move: Russell pulls Tyson aside and assures him he's finally dumping Parvati. Please Tyson, don't buy this! You're too good for this! He's not. Russell sticks to his word and gives Parvati the Immunity Idol, nulling all the votes for her. There should be 3 votes, but there are 4... because Tyson got duped. He basically voted himself out of the game. Tyson's torch is snuffed and his misses out of the hot dog feast (but I guess he can eat whatever he wants at Loser's Lodge).

Colby brings all the Heroes together and aknowledges that he's going home, no need to scramble, let's just relax and not give the Villains any ammunition at tonight's Tribal Council. Candace, Rupert, Amanda and JT all talk and wonder if they should dump James because his leg isn't bad, he doesn't help around camp, and eats all the bananas without sharing. Amanda is so desperate and arguign hard for James to say without specifically dropping his name. Amanda warns James, so James decides to prove his worth by having a Survivor Olympics foot-race with JT... I don't know. At Tribal, James implies that Colby is a loser and a shadow of his former self, like seeing Superman in a girdle. He thinks Colby has given up and that he should stay in the game. At long last, James' and his ego are sacrificed to hopefully bond this team before the merge.

Project Runway - In terms of challenges, this was one of my favorite ideas (too bad I was so tired I slept through half of it). Anyways, each designer will use their [product placement!) HP Touch Desktop to design their own textile and create a garment with it. I must say, it's pretty awesome. What comes out of those textiles... not as awesome (for some).

Maya, who traditionally avoids prints, makes this amazing black and red print with shots of orange; her dress really pops, especially from a side view. Seth Aaron creates this really cool pop art design and uses it on a jacket and it's tonight where I officially decide SA is my pick to win. Emilio wins the challenge, which surprises me; he made this print with his initials that the judges loved (or if you're me and Tim Gunn, initially don't understand it and think it has Seth Aaron's initials).

Mila leads off the bad looks like a design that looks like a 70's sheet and it's such a cheap 70's design that not even cool in that retro-chic way. Jonathan's look is described as a woman in a straight jack wearing dirty dishtowel fabric (and insulting the fabric really hurts Jonathan's feelings). Anthony had a cool textile to start with, but ruined it with one of his typical sweetheart neckline dresses. In a move that surprised me, Anthony is sent home. No more sassy one-liners!


Photo credits: CBS.com, Examiner.com, NBC.com, MyLifetime, Survivor.com

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