Small Servings

• Word to the wise: don't drop acid before watching 2001: A Space Odyssey
• J.Lo officially the other new Idol judge but won't be officially announced until she tries to pimp another shitty single
• Begin the farewell to Oprah with the Faces of the Last Season of Oprah
• Shootin' the shit with Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights
• This octopus cake blows my mind (via Superpunch)
• The most interesting houseguest from Big Brother 12, Zingbot 3000, is interviewed by EW
• Mosaics made of dice - whoa!
• Unfortunate T-shirt wording (via Reddit)
• How to snap like a diva
• ODB thought Drew Barrymore played E.T. (via FilmDrunk)
  

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Reality Rundown: Your American Idol Is... Wait, Does Anyone Still Care?

New! The Bachelorette • Finale! Dancing with the Stars •
Finale! The Biggest Loser • Finale! American Idol

New! The Bachelorette - It's a new season of manufactured love and this season we'll be following All-American, butter-yellow loving Ali Fedotowsky, who famously chose her job at Facebook over a relationship with boring-ass Bachelor Jake. Ali puts on dozens of different outfits and some new hair extensions to pout around in an endless montage that tries to make Ali look lonely but changing and ready for the journey of a lifetime. Bring on the duds dudes.

We meet a variety of guys that likely don't have issues finding love and more likely have issues fulfilling their need for attention. Case in point: Justin aka Rated R. He's an "entertainment wrestler" in Canada and on crutches. I'd point and laugh if it wasn't so obvious he's going to be around forever to torture viewers. We also have Chris L, a good looking guy from the Cape, Frank, an aspiring screenwriter with glasses and kinda funny, a Texas weatherman named Jonathan, and a gentleman by the name of Shooter who reveals to Ali it's because he had issues being "premature." Shooter, you win the official TMI award. Those are the guys I remember but there is also a guy who backflips out of the limo, a guy named Kasey with a weird voice that sounds like a puppet, and a guy who looks like Steven Webber from Wings. The first impression rose goes to Roberto, who salsas with Ali and from the looks of it is an immediate top contender (even if he kinda reminds me of Baba Booey).

In typical first episode fashion, Chris Harrison brings out a ballot box for the guys to write in who they think isn't here for the right reasons. This phrase is maybe the most commonly uttered thing on the show besides, "I think I'm falling for her!" so I am going to keep a running list (this week: 9 times). In what is completely non-shocking, Rated R Justin gets the most votes, perhaps because he keeps talking about his career and is wearing his Rated R shirt under his suit. Ali is given a chance to speak to him alone and decide whether or not to send him home. The obvious choice is to send him home; every season there is someone the house hates and there's usually a good reason. Hell, Ali said the same things about Vienna last season, so she'll obviously use good judgment, right? No, Justin stays. I really hope the producers gave her an extra $10k in her salary to keep this tool around.

So Ali cuts the suitor pool down to 17 from the initial 25 and there are actually a few surprise guys that stay and by that I mean uggos. Looks like this season we're in for a global seduction including volcanoes, guys with girlfriends back home (quelle surprise), and that lispy Kasey being considered a weirdo among the guys. Eventhough I read Reality Steve's season spoilers so I know the final 2, I'm anticipating the bumpy ride of faux-drama to get there.

Finale! Dancing with the Stars - This show is finally ending with a finale of ringers: Erin Andrews of ESPN (though she's not as much a ringer), Olympic gold medalist figure skater Evan Lysacek, and Pussycat Doll (and always and forever former member of Eden's Crush) Nicole Scherzinger. Night 1 has each pair doing two dances, one of which is a free dance. For a finale, the dancing was kinda sub-par for these normally excellent dancers.

Due to a full night of TV I barely watched the results show, which I'm sure was the 2nd coming of the Lost finale (by that I mean, Kate Gosselin danced as well as John Locke pre-Oceanic 815 crash). Erin Andrews is eliminated in the 1st hour (complete guess but likely what happened eventhough I didn't watch), leaving Evan and Nicole up for the prize and they do one more dance and get scored. After long drawn out pauses, Tom Bergeron announces Nicole Scherzinger is the winner of DWTS. Now Nicole can hold her head high. Sure the solo music career didn't work out, but now she has a disco ball trophy! See kids, being a professional dancer in a girl group can get you a DWTS victory.

Finale! The Biggest Loser - The show cuts right to the chase and announces the results of America's vote for who will be part of the final 3: Daris or Koli. Duh, it's Daris since Koli's looked kinda like a dick the past few episodes. Koli goes on to win the Biggest Loser At Home prize of $100,000 losing 53% of his bodyweight. He seems stoked at first, but I think you can actually see in his eyes the devastation because that 53% would have won him the whole show. But everyone else weighs in as well and some of them are smokin' (I'm looking at you season bitch Melissa and pink team Sherry). I will say I was a bit underwhelmed with how many people looked at the finale. I guess it may stem from the show casting far heavier contestants, but a lot of people were still far above what their goal weight could be and, quite frankly, I think they even gained some of it back.

The final 3 (Daris, Ashley, Michael) come on stage and look phenomenal. Daris was able to stop his night binging and got himself a girlfriend. Ashley's in a pink dress and looking happier than ever. Michael- HOLY CRAP! I fell to the floor when he came out. This guy started on the show at 529lbs and is now in tight jeans and looking good. Michael steps on the scale and needs to lose a pretty huge number to beat Ashley for the prize. He steps on the scale and has lost 264lbs: 50% of his body weight. Amazing! While Koli would've won the prize had he moved on, it's great to see Michael become the big success of the season.

Finale! American Idol - Final performance night: Crystal brings it, Lee doesn't. In fact, I find Lee's performances extremely dull and bad song choices. Crystal is a powerhouse singer, but she's so uncomfortable to watch perform. When singing "Black Velvet" (producer's choice) she couldn't walk in the heels and while I hate heels too, at this point a real Idol contender would work that stage. Based solely on this week, I'd pick Crystal to win, but I think the girls will still keep their votes in Lee's camp.

You're not going to believe what I am about to write, but I enjoyed the results show. Maybe this is my sideways universe where I make peace with Idol results show and then I can move on. A large portion of the episode is a tribute to Simon Cowell, as he is leaving the show to start another talent competition about amateurs singing. Paula returns for a weird speech, all the previous winners (sans David Cook) return to sing, and we get a retrospective of great Simon moments. He also gives a nice speech, but I only half paid attention. Hey, I enjoyed the results show for once but I do have my time limits.

For the singing stuff, the idols get to perform duets with famous musicians like Michael McDonald, Alanis Morrissette, Janet Jackson (who lip-synched so she could dance, but had no dancing skills), Chicago (snooze), Crystal Aguilera and oh yeah, Hall and f'ing Oates. Sadly they do not perform "Private Eyes" or "Rich Girl," but we at least get the dudes of Idol singing "I Can't Go For That" and "Maneater" and H&0 do "You Make My Dreams Come True." I am 98% sure that this is the first musical number I've watched from beginning to end on Idol for years. But the big surprise came when Casey and his beautiful hair were joined onstage by someone else with famous hair (and bandana): Bret Michaels. Pretty awesome. Lee and Crystal also perform one last duet together with the help of their new friend Joe Cocker who forgets the words to The Wonder Years theme song.

Onto the results. The votes are in. It looks like mothers and daughers bonded with their telephones last night as Lee Dewyze wins American Idol 2010, despite his terrible performance this week. Whatevs. Does it really matter? Nah. Let's be honest folks, this was a crop of duds this season and sure there were great voices, but these kids are not going to sell albums. Mean, yes, but I'm being honest. See, I'd be a perfect replacement for Simon. Write me in!


Photo Credits: ABC.com, America's Favorite Country, BuddyTV.com, Examiner.com, NYDailyNews.com, People.com, Today.MSNBC.com

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Reality Rundown: Hallelujiah! These Shows Are Almost Over!

Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser • American Idol

Dancing with the Stars - You know what I realized this week? Recapping this show is kinda hard because how do you really explain all this dancing stuff? It's hard to explain and I hate listening to these annoying judges. Anyways, the final 4 dance two routines each, one of which has to contain a solo by the "star." There's also a lot of Prince music which is pretty sweet, but besides that, I'm bored as usual. Nicole the Pussycat Doll is by far the best, with Evan Lysacek and Erin Andrews right behind her, so it could be a close finale. While I love me some Ochocinco, he's clearly the weakest of the bunch, so his elimination is not much of a surprise and kind of timely since he's the 8th voted off (The Ocho week- get it?!)

The Biggest Loser - The final 4 head back to their hometowns to get on the scale again and show them how much they have changed since week 1. The happiness is kind of short lived because now the 4 have to adjust to losing and maintaining their new weight loss in the real world. Daris struggles most, binging late at night. On the up side, the binging kind of looked like bran cereal and turkey breast. Koli opts to spend his month at home in Las Vegas with a mixed martial arts trainer because he's more focused on the final prize rather than adjusting to real life.

All 4 losers run the pre-requisite season ending marathon with visits from previous losers. Daris breaks the time record, finishing the marathon in 4 hours and 2 minutes. Bad news is at the final weigh-in, Daris gains 2lbs. Lucky for him, there's no vote by the contestants; America chooses who will be the 3rd person in the finals. Right now, Ashley and Michael are the official finalists, so will the 3rd spot go to shy guy Daris or recent braggart Koli? I don't know who you're voting for, but chances are my mom is clicking Daris 100 times on NBC.com.

American Idol - The final 3 get to perform 2 songs to torture our ears. The 1st song is selected by the contestants and only Lee Dewyze came out to win tonight. Is it just me or does Crystal seem to be intentionally trying to lose? The judges get to pick the 2nd song and, what a surprise, these song choices are far better picks than their own selections. I know a few weeks back I declared a moratorium on Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujiah" on this show, but Simon picks this song for Lee and it's so good. Not that I even care who wins this show, but Lee seems to be the be the best pick because: 1. he actually wants to win, 2. he could actually be marketed and played on the radio, and 3. teen girls and their moms love him.

The results show is so much filler that I am able to watch the whole show in 6 minutes. We endure an outbreak of Bieber Fever, a terrible singer discovered by Perez Hilton, oh and Casey James and his beautiful mane of hair are sent home. Crystal Bowersox and Lee Dewyze are the final 2 and next week, this season of torture ends. Hooray!



Photo Credit: ABC.com, KansasCity.com, NBC.com

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Reality Rundown: We Won a Million Dollars, Bro

Finale! The Amazing Race • Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains

Finale! The Amazing Race - In the last leg of the race, the final 3 hop on the next flight (which means a very long wait at the airport) to San Francisco. The Bros decide to play a little dirty which includes cutting in line and requesting mid-flight to sit in 1st class and get off the plane quicker. Good move, bros!

The cab drivers really make or break you on the race, and Brent and Caitie get screwed by theirs, who gets lost many times. Tasks this leg include climbing Coit Tower, participating in a virtual reality game at LucasFilms (and it was just like Nick Arcade), and carrying a trunk around San Francisco. The Bros catch an early lead after learning the trick to solving a spinning Star Wars-eqsue clue, with the Cowboys right behind them. Brent and Caitie catch up to the Cowboys, but then lose time after forgetting their money pack.

The final task is a memory challenge with psychedelic concert posters of eliminated teams, and since Jordan has watched 15 seasons of the show, he knew to take note of all the eliminations, challenges, etc. They breeze right through it, but so do the Cowboys. After an intense cab ride edit, the Brothers win The Amazing Race. After speeches about brothers being brought close together, we get one last moment where Brandi tells off Miss Teen USA one last time. Way to ruin the moment, ladies!

Dancing with the Stars - Each pair has to 2 routines this week, and they have to be inspired by an era, which they draw from a hat. Nicole is bummed she has to do a 50's Paso Doble but it's pretty awesome; if only Derek wasn't such a tool. Evan and Erin also do well, channeling the future and the 80's, but it's Ochocino and Niecy at the bottom of the pack. After a results show full of Niecy Nash fat jokes (ex. "I'm picking who's hungriest for the win, and thats' Niecy!"), a mock-Sports Center piece, and Jerry Rice wearing a Let Us Play With Your Look wig, Niecy gets eliminated.

The Biggest Loser - It's the last week on campus and Alison drops a bomb on the contestants: no vote this week, just a single red line. Basically, if you lose the least you go home. Koli and Sunshine are especially happy since they are big losers, and also bitter than Ashley and Darris sent home Sam. We get special guest appearances from 2 former TBL winners: Helen, a now skinny 48 year old, and some dude who proceeded to gain allll his weight back post-show. They give advice, but I think RuPaul's standard "Don't f*ck it up" would be a simpler and more direct approach. The losers also get to meet Dallas Cowboys' star Tony Romo in a Walmart, which is basically the Texan dream. He's also there to talk about fatties, since he dumped one. Kidding- they just exercise together while I exercise my fast forward button.

Michael has a whole bunch of breakdowns this episode since he's still so far from his goal compared to the others. It's pretty hard to watch. Luckily, he's able to stay above the red line. Tis' young Sunshine who falls below the red line with only 2lbs lost but she gets to throw the first pitch at a Minnesota Twins game so that's almost as good as $250,000.

American Idol - Movie theme week and yet again, no Grease 2. Jamie "Blame it on the Alcohol" Foxx is the mentor and after evaluating them gives them a T-shirt: artist or contestant. Big Mike gets contestant, so let's use that as foreshadowing.

The song choices are just plain odd. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Kenny Loggins, but the theme from Caddyshack? Really, Crystal? Casey uses a tiny guitar to sing "Mrs. Robinson", thus ensuring the mom vote across America, and Lee sings "Kiss From A Rose" because who doesn't love Seal and Batman? I think my favorite pick, for sheer laughter, is Big Mike who picks Michael Jackson's "Will You Be There?" from Free Willy. Random! Also random, I totally owned this soundtrack as a kid and it was fantastic because it also had SWV and I loved them and owned their cassette singles. Hello 90s! I think all 4 pretty much suck except for the duets they have to perform. Crystal and Lee sing the song from that movie Once and it's very nice, while Big Mike and Casey sound pretty great on "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?"

The results show brings us the musical styling of formal Idols Fantasia (or Fan-tase-ee-ah, if you're Simon) and Chris Daughtry, as well as a performance by old people Bon Jovi. The obvious lesson that you should never attempt a Michael Jackson song on Idol bites Big Mike in the ass, and he is eliminated. So to conclude with a horrible music pun, Hey Big Mike, "Will You Be There" for the Final 3? No, no you will not.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - A Sprint product placement arrives this week to also bring the good news that their families have come for a visit. Jerri wins the reward challenge to bring her sister to "The Blowholes" and gets to bring along 2 other people, so she brings Parvati/her dad and Sandra/her uncle. This infuriates Russell who goes back to camp like a spoiled 5 year old, complaining about Jerri betraying him and this is a million dollar mistake. Russell proposes to Rupert and Colby a men's final 3 alliance and they're down for it, especially Rupert who thinks that bringing the best villain with him to the finals would for sure give him the million. The plan: pull Jerri in for this week's vote and take out Parvati.

Too bad for big baby Russell, Parvati gets immunity. Russell immediately jumps ship to take out Rupert, but Sandra also approaches Rupert to take out Russell. Blabbermouth Rupert tells Russell who again goes on a tirade and only Sandra has the balls to point out everyone is keeping Russell in the game for a guaranteed win and that she's also against him. Big baby Russell fumes more and proposes taking out Sandra in his fit of rage.

Going into Tribal Council, Sandra felt really secure with her position until the Q&A so Sandra decides to play her hidden immunity idol, as this is the final Tribal for idols. Votes cast for Sandra are null and til the jolly hippie Rupert leaving the game (well, he would've been out even if Sandra kept her idol because it was 4-2). Sunday: FINALE! Stay tuned for a super special edition of the Reality Rundown for the Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains FINALE!



Photo Credits: ABC.com, BuddyTV, RealityWanted, Survivor.com, Unreality Shout

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Reality Rundown: Not A Good Week for Silicone Boobs

The Amazing Race • Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains

The Amazing Race - The teams continue the race in China, where the language barrier becomes a significant hindrance in getting around. The Brothers get so stressed and confused that they wait 2 hours until the Detectives are ably to race, knowing that at least if they tie-up the Detectives still have to do a Speed Bump (tossing coins into an incense thingie). The Brothers proceed to have an in-cab flip-out because their driver doesn't understand "follow that green cab." I can't blame them because if I were in a race for $1 million and some cabbie was doing a crap job, I'd be livid.

Miss Teen USA and the Cowboys are pretty much tied the whole leg. The Roadblock is to count golden statues and it takes Caitie a while and I'm kinda convinced that after her 3rd or 4th try that she looked at whatever answer the Cowboys wrote down. The Detour is to navigate busy streets with dumplings or search for a stamp with their name on it. Um, definitely the stamps. Miss Teen USA spends the whole leg telling us viewers she's not dumb (while Brent begs to take a pee), and I say, put it on a T-shirt and shut up. You might be able to read a subway map but you're still loud and rude; also, they are team #1 (and now get to meet one of the world's tallest men). Through what I will assume is clever editing to make us second guess who makes it to the finals, the Brothers are team #3 and the Detectives are eliminated. High point of the episode: getting to ride in a sidecar motorcycle. Of all the fun stuff they get to do, this would've been my favorite thing ever.

Dancing with the Stars - Evan Lysacek scores the first perfect 30 of the season, eventhough Kari Ann declared Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls as the best dancer they've ever had. The group dance put 3 pairs together to do a routine to either Lady Gaga or Madonna. The Gaga group was what I'd call the "sexy" team: Nicole, Ochocinco, and Pam Anderson. They were pretty great, though I think Pam was dead weight. The Madonna team (Erin, Niecy, Evan) was meh, with Niecy being their weak link (but she is my favorite so I hope she lasts a while longer). The bottom 2 ends up being Pam Anderson and Erin Andrews the ESPN girl, with Pamela getting her dancing shoes revoked in the end.

The Biggest Loser - This is the week my mom, I mean everyone, has been waiting for: makeovers! They're pretty underwhelming considering they just said "here's $1,000 bucks from Multi-Grain Cheerios" and dropped them off at what appeared to be Fashion Bug and then Shear Genius judge/ex-Blowout star Jonathan Antin does their hair. Michael makes me sad because he still has to shop at a plus-size store because, despite losing close to 200lbs, he's still 300+ lbs. Darris gets the biggest makeover, hacking off that crazy afro of curls and greasing (sans product it's still kind wacky). The losers marvel at themselves in a 2-way mirror and are reunited with family for an exclusive concert with Ashanti. Wow, she's even less current than Shania Twain (callback to last week!)

At the weigh-in, skinny Sam and big Michael fall below the yellow line and now the game comes into play. If you keep Sam around, he's easy to beat in the finals. Michael needs to be on campus, but still has like another 150lbs to lose. Koli and Sunshine vote off Michael, while Ashley and Darris (who made an alliance with Michael) vote off Sam. In the case of a tie, the loser with the lowest percentage of weight-loss goes home, and that's Sam. But Sam's living the high life post-TBL: he lost his goal weight on campus (a TBL first), moved to LA, and found love with ex-purple team member Stephanie (that's the daughter, not her mom).

American Idol - In season 9's grand tradition of decimating great music classics, the Idols take on Frank Sinatra this week with the help of Harry Connick, Jr. who does all the musical arrangements. In positives, we don't have to suffer through the contestants playing guitar. In negatives, we still have to suffer through their terrible singing. The judges like Big Mike and Lee best, but America really has it in for Big Mike and sends him to the bottom 2 again. It's wee little Aaron Kelley who gets the boot after the most insane, bizarre Lady Gaga live performance ever. Seriously, it'll give you bizarre dreams.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - Rupert and Russell get into it at camp and it's pretty awesome, with Russell calling Rupert the second coming of Christ. I can't believe I'm saying since because you all know I was anti-Rupert when the cast was announced, but I am loving that Rupert ain't takin' Russell's shit. Anyways, Parvati wins individual immunity, the others get some nutrition, and Jeff reads a clue to yet another Hidden Immunity Idol to everyone. Sandra is the one who finds the idol and stashes it. Rupert decides to play the game and puts a rock in his cargo shorts, giving the impression of an idol. Russell sees this and instructs the villains to split the votes between Rupert and Colby to flush out the idol. However, the villain women are kind of ready to get rid of Candice, which Colby picks up on. They play off of this and at Tribal Council, Candice becomes the next member of the jury.

Wait kids, there's more! Double Tribal night! The villains vow to stay 5 strong and Russell wins immunity and I'm pissed. Can't we get rid of this troll? Russell realizes that Parvati and Danielle are tight so tries to play them against each other and fails miserably. The girls want to stick to the plan to axe Rupert, while Russell approaches Rupert and Colby to take out Danielle. At Tribal Council it looks like the women will stick together until Danielle opens her big mouth and spills that her and Parvati are closer than Russell knows. This infuriates Russell, who then looks to Jerri and mouths, "Danielle." The votes are cast and Jerri's vote will seal her fate: she votes off Danielle and her terrifying fake boobs. At this point, as long as Jerri is still in this game all is right in my world. Jerri FTW!



Photo Credits: ABC.com, BuddyTV, CBS.com, Daemon's TV, NBC.com, TVGrapevine

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Reality Rundown: The Idols "Don't Impress Me Much" - Get It?!

The Amazing Race • Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains

The Amazing Race - The teams hop on the next flight to China, where Miss Teen USA gets really excited recapping to the other teams her yielding of Carol and Brandy. The brothers point out that this was purely a social move and not yielding the stronger Cowboys was a dumb move (for proof see the end of this episode). The Roadblock makes is to hand make noodles while being stared at by the world's smallest man who keeps putting a cigarette in his mouth (RIP Pingping). The Brothers and Detectives have crappy cabs which put them behind, and then Brother Jordan can't do the noodles right and cries.

Post-noodles, the teams have to head to a fashion house and search racks of clothing to emulate a sketch of a look. The Cowboys, in the lead as usual, are hilarious and get this done better than expected, and the Brothers and Detectives tie-up again and have to make their models switch pantyhose. The final task on this leg is another Roadblock (a twist, indeed!) with a giant puzzle that when held us by fans will lead them to a seat in a giant football stadium with a clue. The Cowboys and Brent of Miss Teen USA take the lead, but the wind gets the best of them and Brent pitches a fit. The Cowboys take first place, yet again, and it's kind of like give them the million bucks already. The Detectives are last to check in, but Phil informs them they aren't eliminated and since I doubt anyone likes this team, it kinda proves the theory that non-eliminations are pre-planned and not based on likability.

Dancing with the Stars - The couples are each assigned either an Argentinian Tango or Samba and it turns out, these are pretty much everyone's weak points. Especially if you ask Len, who gives shit scores to everyone for god knows why. The only exciting moment of the episode is when Evan Lysacek's partner drops him on his neck and it made me think, wouldn't it be the worst thing in the world to have your whole career ruined by an injury you got from being on Dancing with the Stars? Ochocinco, I'm looking at you.

Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls is amazing of course, but the rest stink. Erin Andrews, the ESPN chick who got videotaped naked, had the 2nd highest score but all I can tell you is she murdered a Muppet to get her costume. After their dance, all the contestants dress up moronically and have a swing dance marathon that lasts about 5 minutes. Exhausting! Nicole and Derek Hough win (shocker) and they get 10 extra points, while the rest get less depending on their lasting time. Jake the Bachelor gets eliminated this week and uses his final moments to thank his partner for being nice to his fiancee Vienna. Ugh, gross.

The Biggest Loser - I'm not even kidding you when I tell you I watched this 2 hour episode in 15 minutes. This show needs to be an hour because it's so not as interesting as it used to be. Anyways, all the losers are sent to Texas to get all the fatties there to wake up and drop the pounds. They run a 5k, work out at the gym, run up the hotel staircases, and Jillian speaks at a high school. Koli wins immunity by wrangling the most calves, and that's a good thing since he only lost 1lb. Sunshine and O'Neal, who were absent for much of the week since they attended O'Neal's brother's funeral, both fall below the yellow line. In no surprise whatsoever, O'Neal requests to be voted off unanimously so Sunshine can stay. O'Neal is voted off but now he can go home and put his own shoes on and tie 'em (which I'm sure his wife is psyched to hear).

American Idol - Instead of just plain country week, the idols have to sing Shania Twain songs because 1998 really wanted to come back into relevance this week. Yeah why not Shania Twain who was big for a couple crossover hits and not say, Reba McIntyre who has had a bajillion megahits? Dammit, I just want someone to sing "Fancy"!!! The judges seemed to like everyone, but as usual I hated them all. The high point of the night were Ellen's "twain" puns to replace the word "train." And when that is the high point, well, you know the show sucks.

Siobhan Magnus ends up getting the boot, after a tedious country filled results show that I fast forwarded through. It's a bummer cause Siobhan was good, but she's been struggling the past couple of weeks. Now I just fear Boston.com will have no news to cover since this is about their main focus of existence.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - Colby, Danielle, and Amanda win the shuffleboard reward challenge and get to sleep together like Charlie Bucket's grandparents and watch the black and white version of Treasure Island at Robert Louis Stevenson's Samoan abode. Amanda is hellbent on finding the latest Hidden Immunity Idol clue during a house tour, but it's Danielle who finds the clue in the bowl of popcorn which is slightly less alarming than finding something else that could be hidden in a bucket of popcorn. Danielle quickly stashes the clue on the floor, but Amanda the whiner gets suspicious and they literally brawl for the clue and I worry for everyone's safety because I fear Danielle's massive breast impacts might explode in a true fight.

Danielle is the victor and shows the clue to her alliance upon returning to camp. Russell, being the teammate that he is, offers to help Danielle find the idol. Instead, Russell finds the idol when Danielle has his back to him, stashes it in his pocket, and let's her keep looking. He claims he's keeping this a secret because Parvati and Danielle didn't tell him about the last idol, but really it's because he's a dick.

In strategy land, Russell approaches Candice to bring her aboard the Villains alliance, bringing their numbers to 6 vs. 4. Or is there 6? Sandra is ready to jump ship immediately since she's on the bottom of the totem pole; she wants to take Russell or Parvati out and the Heroes are all down with it. Candice, still playing both sides, immediately blabs to Russell that the Heroes are going to write his name down. Sandra gets pissed, Candice is torn, and Jerri wins immunity.

At Tribal Council, Russell finally feels vulnerable and plays his latest idol. Unfortunately for him, the Heroes expected Russell to play the idol (thinking Danielle gave it to him). The Heroes instead cast their votes for Parvati, who is pretty surprised. Luckily, Sandra and Candice chose to vote with the Villains and Amanda gets voted off. While I really want to see Russell taken down in a humiliating fashion, I'm also glad to see Amanda go. The only downside is I won't be able to have the immense laughter I was hoping for when Amanda made it to the final 2 for a 3rd time and lost again. C'mon, you'd laugh too.



Photo Credits: ABC.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, NJ.com, Survivor.com

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Serving of the Week

Name: American Idol

SERVED: It's probably terrible to gripe about American Idol in a week devoted to charity, but they deserve it. Apparently on the Tuesday performance episode, Seacrest warned viewers that Wednesday's result show would run long to we should set our DVRs accordingly. Now I don't know what you define as "running long" but typically that means maybe 5 minutes, TOPS. South Park always runs long, so I set my DVR for an extra 2 minutes. Well American Idol ran 24 minutes late. Seriously Idol?? That's hardly just "running long." What annoys me most is American Idol and Fox knew the show would take up approximately 30 extra minutes, so why not adjust the running time of the episode for viewing guides? Lost does it. Grey's Anatomy does it. What makes Idol so much better than them?

I maintain that American Idol goes out of its way to punish those who DVR the show. If it weren't for DVR, I think most people would skip the show entirity because who really needs to hear Tim Urban sing poorly for 2 minutes? No one! Idol you've been SERVED for being total jerks. For those of us that are for some reason still tuning into this horrendous season, you should be nursing us viewers and holding onto us for dear life. You're already losing Simon, so why are you alienating viewers?

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo credit: Wikipedia

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Reality Rundown: So Spiderman's Not Inspirational?

Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser • American Idol •
Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains • Finale! Project Runway

Dancing with the Stars - This week the "stars" dance to music from movies and at no point does anyone perform a single number to Grease 2 so I'm not impressed. Nicole from The Pussycat Dolls finally out-dances Evan Lysacek and gets a near perfect score (Len Goodman is such an uptight fuddy-duddy- did I really just use that word?) Kate Gosselin, decked out in her Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? hair bow, racks up yet another lowest score of the night, with a brutal dance to "Don't You Forget About Me" from The Breakfast Club. Kate finally lands herself in the bottom 2 with Pam Anderson (who again did well but women hate her) but it looks like ABC hopefully unplugged Kate's phone line as she is finally eliminated. FINALLY.

The Biggest Loser - The show starts of on my favorite note: temptation! The kitchen is closed all day and for all 3 meals, the losers must eat from a room filled with healthy choices and all the most amazing treats ever. Koli decides saving his cousin Sam is most important, so gorges himself with 4,100 calories worth of grub and wins the sole vote at this week's weigh-in (unless he falls below the yellow line, in which case he loses that power). While the losers laugh it up at the indulgence, deep down they're all worried because if anyone falls below with Sam, they're screwed.

Darris (that guy in orange that gets no screen-time) wins a 1lb advantage in a challenge. O'Neal comes in last and gets a 1lb disadvantage. However, O'Neal didn't really lose since he fell and popped his knee. O'Neal's terrible horrible no-good very bad week continues with his bad knee and news his brother passed away from cancer. Koli decides that if O'Neal falls below the yellow line, he would vote to keep O'Neal in the game. Lucky for O'Neal, he loses 8lbs and it's pretty great. Bad news is his daughter, Sunshine, falls below along with Victoria, the recently returned Blue team member. Koli casts his one vote for Victoria, which he attributes to her not pushing herself hard enough. She's kind of hurt by these words, but leaves on a positive note with new motivation.

American Idol - In honor of this week's Idol Gives Back special, each contestant has to perform an inspirational song. Oh god, torture. But it turns out, no one really sings inspirational songs and besides Crystal Bowersox, it's another hour of painful singing (thank god Glee is on after with some actual talent). The high point of the night came after Big Mike performed "Hero" by Nickelback; Simon commented that the song isn't really inspirational because it's about Spiderman. I must've re-played this about 3 times last night. Simon, you will be missed.

The Idol Gives Back/results show 2 hour bonanza proves that 1. our world is in need of help and 2. even professionals can't perform live. Seriously, did being around this lackluster cast cause everyone else to perform miserably? Any of us with common sense DVRed the show to skip past mostly everything, but of course the show ran over. Thanks to Jimmy Kimmel Live I learned that Tim Urban and his Zac Efron ice cream scoop hair went home. Did I mention the show ran 24 minutes late? Idol, no one likes you anymore so suck it up and be courteous to the people still hanging on to this shitshow.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The tribes merge to form the Yin Yang Twins tribe. Right off the bat the Heroes are shocked to see Parvati, but JT and Rupert buy Russell's story hook, line and sinker: both Parvati and Russell played idols at the same time and Courtney went home in a re-vote. All the Heroes want Parvati gone because 1. she's a threat, 2. she's awesome, and 3. she's a banana grubber. Sandra gets a chance to let Rupert know Russell is a liar and he's the puppetmaster, but JT refuses to hear out Rupert. It's amazing that Rupert is actually the smart one here- it boggles my mind. The plan is to smoke out Russell: tell Russell to vote Parvati, but all the Heroes will vote out Sandra or Jerri to see how Russell votes.

Danielle wins individual immunity, like it even matters. Parvati reveals to Amanda she has a Hidden Immunity Idol but can immediately sense Amanda is a complete liar. Right before Tribal, Russell gives Parvati his Hidden Immunity Idol (formerly JT's) for her to play tonight and save herself. So to keep track Parvati has 2 Idols and I remember how excited I was when my friends had 2 cakes at their wedding, so I bet this is even better.

At Tribal Council, the votes are cast and it looks like my girl Jerri could be going home and I'm devastated. But right before Jeff reads the votes, maybe the greatest thing ever happens. Parvati announces she'd like to stick around the see the plantains ripen and hands her Hidden Immunity Idol to SANDRA! Wait, wait, it gets better! Parvati then announces she wants to hedge her bets more and hands her OTHER Immunity Idol to Jerri! AWWWW SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT. The Heroes get completely SERVED and JT is sent home by his own stupidity to give an Idol to Russell. Bravo Parvati- you are a winner in my book!

Finale! Project Runway - Finale time and I'm shocked that there's no last minute outfit to create. In fact, the show jumps kinda quickly into Bryant Park (or maybe it's because I fast forward through that L'Oreal Paris BS). Seth Aaron's collection is first and I immediately declare him the winner. It's a more sophisticated and expensive and still so Seth Aaron; colorful prints with a hard edge. What's black and white and still really annoying? Mila. Her collection is what you'd expect: coats, skirts and mini-dresses, baggy sweaters and mostly black and white but at least she styled her models to be more modern. Emilio's is last and I'm bored. Sure it's tailored nicely, but couldn't you buy any of his stuff at Ann Taylor or Banana Republic? I will say his greenish gold evening gown was a total stunner- loved that. Judges, do you really need to deliberate?

Apparently so. The judges, along with guest judge Faith Hill, put their well-coiffed heads together to select a winner. Seth Aaron's collection definitely seems to have an edge as he indeed put on a show, though some argue it wasn't as surprising. Mila's collection has a similar critique: same old, same old. Emilio's collection is obviously not winning. Michael Kors points out that Emilio thought more about branding and it was more of him launching a line rather than showing a collection. Mila's AUF'D first (much to the relief of all who feared the season bitch would win 2 seasons in a row). Heidi says Seth Aaron's name, pauses for like 2 minutes, and declares him the winner. WAHOO! I finally get a winner right!


Photo Credits: ABC.com, Billboard.com, MyLifetime.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Ladies Get Their Way, Bitches Don't

The Amazing Race • Dancing with the Stars • The Biggest Loser •
American Idol • Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains • Project Runway

The Amazing Race - The teams travel via bus and sleeper train to Singapore, where they are cautioned a U-Turn is ahead. Carol and Brady better watch out, because Miss Teen USA and the detectives want them out. The detectives say it's because they are world travelers, but Miss Teen USA says that the "lesbians" (and say it in a nasty tone) are just mean. Brett won't let Carol and Brady pass them on the train because "Ladies get their way, bitches don't." What about dumb people?

Upon arrival in Singapore, they have to find Allan Wu who is the Asian Phil Keoghan, meaning he hosts The Amazing Race: Asia. I immediately already like this guy more and want him to host our version; sorry Phil, but I've kind of tired of you- you're no Probst! The brothers quickly find Allan and decide to take on the race's first and only Fast Forward: ride the Singapore Flyer, the world's largest observation wheel, to the top and once at the top, get out of the car and traverse to the car in front of it. Wow- awesome! Coolest task ever on the show? One brother is afraid of heights but they ace it, check in first and win motorbikes.

The other teams head straight to the Detour, a choice of a drum routine or selling ice cream sandwiches (which hilariously in Singapore can be made with actual slices of bread). The drums is the first choice for all, though the detectives go back and forth to the Fast Forward and eventually sell the ice cream. Brent and Caite, Miss Teen USA, do in fact yield Carol and Brandy and they're pissed. The Road Block is a lame counting giant chain task and then get to ride a zip line. Carol and Brandy are able to catch up, but it's not enough and they are eliminated. U-Turn: 2, Racers: 0.

Dancing with the Stars - Passion night is the theme, which should not be confused with Passions night featuring the sensual love of Precious the Orangutan and Luis. In what I assume is an attempt to make the scores more fair, each pair received 2 scores: one for technique, one for performance. Kate Gosselin was, surprise!, the lowest of the night though she got performance props for the judges saying she was finally dancing. Was I watching the same performance? Evan Lysacek's domination continued another week with top scores, and Pam Anderson showed she can be graceful and not just whorish. With the 2nd lowest score, ex-soap star Aiden Turner is eliminated and now he's unemployed... twice. Should've gone shirtless soon, Aiden.

The Biggest Loser - You would think Oprah hosted this week cause there were CAAAAAARS! Oh, and cash too. Michael won $2k by balancing quarters the longest, while Drea and O'Neal won Mazdas for retrieving keys off of weather balloons. Suze Orman also stopped by and her jacket was really boring compared to the jazzy stuff she usually wears. Based on FICA and credit, Suze picked Sunshine to win the whole show. This sounds like BS but last year Suze predicted Danny would win based on finances, and he did. Danny stops by as well to enforce calorie counting, the importance of thinking like a winner, and how to work on.

The losers are able to cut loose and mud wrestle with Jillian and Bob, but it's all depression at the weigh-in. Just when Drea decides she is a winner she's dubbed a loser and voted off the ranch. But at least she can drive herself home in hew new car, right?

American Idol - After destroying the Beatles and Rolling Stones this season, it seems like the logical progression is to continue destoying legends of music. This week they picked Elvis. Since he died on the toilet many moons ago, they opted to at least try and replicate Elvis' hair and got outrageous 2nd runner up Adam Lambert to be a mentor, and he was fantastic. At long last a mentor who tells them they are dullsville and need to get a personality. Since Big Mike was spared last week, 2 dullards will get the axe this week. The honor of being kicked off this week went to Andrew Garcia (which has been a long time coming) and some girl Katie who is 17 and boring and so not surprising. Next week: Idol Gives Back. Boooooring.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - The Villains get their shizz together (OK they can balance better than the Heroes fatties) and win a feast courtesy of Outback Steakhouse. It's a pretty great feast except there's none of that amazing Outback bread which is hands down the best restaurant bread ever, so I'd be complaining. While Danielle yaps about how much she's been craving salad out here (Seriously? You haven't eaten in a month and want salad?), Parvati finds a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol in her napkin. She shares this info with Danielle and back at camp find the Idol, but decide to keep Russell out of the loop for the time being.

Not like Russell needs to worry. JT, who didn't need Outback Steakhouse cause he's eaten "like 1,000 steaks before" comes up with a "brilliant" plan. Since the Heroes believe the Villains have a women's alliance, JT will write Russell a note and slip him the Hidden Immunity Idol that JT found last week. The note instructs Russell to save himself and vote off Parvati. Only Amanda and Candice think think this is a dumb move, but sure enough, the plan happens. Colby tells Russell midway through the Immunity Challenge about what's going to happen and after a slaughtering of the Villains, JT quickly hands off the Idol. O. M. G. As Russell so awesomely puts it: the king of Immunity Idols doesn't have to look for them anymore, people are giving them to him!

Back at camp, Parvati and Russell read JT's note aloud and it's pretty hilarious in a cheesy way. Obviously, they aren't going to follow JT's instructions. The choice is between weaklings Sandra and Courtney, and the Villains opt to send Courtney to the jury. Speaking of the jury, Coach steals the Tribal Council scene by arriving wearing a kimono, feather necklace, and sitting meditation style. Oh Dragonslayer, I miss you already.

Project Runway - The designers depart NYC to work on their collections at home. Tim Gunn visits each of them at the 3 month mark to give advice. Tim Gunn thinks Seth Aaron's lacks surprise, Emilio's is ugly, Mila has to be careful of matron-ness, and Jay's looks overdesigned. While stakes are high for all, Jay and Mila aren't fully into Fashion Week yet. They will present 3 looks each to Heidi, Michael Kors, and Nina Garcia and winner goes to Fashion Week.

Jay and Mila kiss and make up after hating each other and rush to prepare their 3 looks for viewing. Mila is inspired by shadows and go figure, it's black and white and stuck in the 60s (did I mention her dog is a dalmation? go figure!) Jay was inspired by samurai and it's futuristic, but still a little over the top. Heidi prefers Mila, Michael wants Jay, and Nina in undecided. The decision is really what do you want to see more of: big baggy sweaters or tailored futuristic pants? The answer is Mila. Should I bet everyone $100 that next week they smack them with a 13th look challenge? We'll see!



Photo Credits: ABC.com, CBS.com, Kitchen Cow, MyLifetime.com, NBC.com, NYDailyNews.com, Survivor.com

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