The Bachelorette: Roberto Martinez's Baseball Card Suddenly Skyrockets in Value

The Bachelorette
Finale • After the Final Rose

Finale - The fellas get to meet Ali's family, who are probably going to be nice on the guys since they got a free trip to Bora Bora. Whaddayaknow her family loves both guys. Ali's dad seems to be a Roberto fan, while her siblings like Chris. Ali's mom likes both guys, and really likes asking questions about Chris' dead mom. Poor guy has to live it over and over on this show. Both guys receive a marriage blessing from Ali's dad, ready to propose at the end of the week (or from Chris we learned 3 days).

Ali and Roberto meet up and hop on a jet ski, flying across the water. They come across a batch of stingrays and hop right in to swim with them. Not Steve Irwin fans are ya? Don't worry- I saw the tails were clipped. This is so spontaneous that Roberto even has chum to feed them- bet he caught those little fish with his bare hands. They ditch the stingrays for a private island picnic in the rain, and of course makeout in the ocean cause that's what they do best. The night concludes with Roberto setting up his hotel room with some flowers, candles, snacks, and of course beer to make sure he can really convey his love for Ali. Ali worries he doesn't feel the same way for her that she feels for him. Roberto gives Ali her prerequisite final 2 last night gift and no it is not another baseball card. It's a photo of them at the heart-shaped lagoon, probably making out. He professes his love for Ali, they make out a lot. I'm assuming far more happened cause these 2 can't keep their hands off each other. Ali voice-overs that she knows she has a date with Chris tomorrow, but she can't bear to part from Roberto.

Chris is waiting for Ali, voice-overing how she's his soulmate, how excited his family will be when he proposes, how we wants to smother her with love, all that stuff. Ali finally arrives for the date and she's not so lovey- like asking "how are you?" and beating around the bush. Chris sees it in her face: something is up. Ali lets him know her family loved him, her feelings are crazy, ramble ramble ramble. Her rambling is obviously implying he's getting dumped before the rose ceremony. Ali informs Chris she is in love with somebody else. So much for a fun date in Bora Bora. So lets him go now instead of him showing up with the intent to propose the next day and getting a ring box slammed shut in his face. He thanks her for being honest, they hug, she cries, she thanks him, he thanks her again. Super polite. Ali leaves and I thought Chris was almost going to pull a Mesnick, but he just did some deep thinking on a railing. He's glad Ali didn't lead him long another day and hopes Roberto reciprocates her love. 10 minutes after Ali leaves a rainbow appears, something Chris sees as symbolic of his mother- the women of America weep. This goes on for a long time as the most obvious set-up for Chris as the next Bachelor ever.

Ali, posing all around Bora Bora, is going on and on about how she hopes Roberto proposes and finds a magical end to this love story. Roberto gets a visit from jeweler Neil Lane, the guy who will get this ring back in 11 months. Roberto shirtlessly ponders how big a step this is and hopes he doesn't make a mistake or something. I don't know- I wasn't paying attention. Speed up show! Ali gets dolled up in a flowy gold gown and heads into the Hilton to a decked out deck for her proposal.

Roberto arrives via boat decorated in palm fronds (no helicopter in this finale!), gets greeted by Chris Harrison (he's picking up his paycheck at the Hilton front desk), heads up the stairs, professes his love and fond memories, and sweats a ton. Ali tells Roberto he's the only guy here today and she loves him. He proposes, she giglled, she accepts (excellent ring choice, Roberto!), they make out, and fondly flashback over their relationship with "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" in the background... because they performed in The Lion King together. This might've ruined the finale for me, but just remembered "On the Wings of Love," laughed, and realized the trainwreck of last season.

After the Final Rose - The Frank bomb is the first topic and Ali seems pretty over it, really wasn't sure if she would've given him a rose that date, and thinks he had some baggage from before with his ex and didn't think he might have feelings on the show. Chris Harrison decides to dig the knife deeped for Frank by revealing Frank was supposed to come to the AFTR taping but backed out last minute because "he has chosen not to face you." Ali wishes he was here to clear the air, maybe get some clarity, and move on but sees this as another selfish move. Ali forgives him, is happy he found love, and happier that she found love.

Chris gets his solo interview time with Chris Harrison and opens up about that last date when he got dumped. Chris definitely would've proposed to Ali, had he been picked, but understands you can't control love and Ali just felt stronger for someone else. When asked if he's over Ali, he dodges the question kinda, but again, total set-up for "finding his soulmate" next season on The Bachelor. They bring Ali out, who is all smiles and praising of Chris. No drama, only good things.

Ali and Roberto are happy in love and had an instant bond that first night that they realized it was meant to be. They're excited to be out in the open and able to be around each other instead of sneaking around. They replay the proposal, which makes Ali cry again and so happy she found unconditional love with Roberto. The separation has made for interesting dates which includes going to the movies at the same time, but him on the east coast, her on the west. The happy couple is moving to San Diego (which is of course German for "whale's vagina") where Roberto's opened a new insurance office, are planning a wedding but not rushing into things (just like Jillian/Ed, Jake/Vienna), and ready to live normal lives again. And suddenly, it is like The Bachelorette producers read this blog, knowing I live for ridiculing their helicopter dates. Chris Harrison announces a treat: there is a HELICOPTER waiting outside to take them to the beautiful island of Catalina (home of the annual Wine Mixer). Because the only feeling greater than the love found on a reality TV show is a free helicopter ride.



Photo Credits: BuddyTV

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The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, Bore Me

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

If you're looking for 2 hours of filler to extend the Bachelorette by another week, well you're in luck because it's time for the Men Tell All Special! While it's sort a reunion, it's basically a 2 hour clip show where Chris Harrison actually has to put in some effort of being a host. First is a pre-taped sit-down between Ali and Chris where she fondly remembers the good and the bad, including Justin, Frank, Kasey's singing and tattoo, the illusive and silent Chris N (aka The Phantom), and the peacock that kept interrupting her and Roberto's date in Portugal. It's absolutely thrilling (though I will admit I chuckled a few times).

The men then reunite to dish on what happened this season, which rarely has to do with Ali and more has to do with the other contestants. It's a big time for the popular guys to play their cards right and hopefully get cast as the new Bachelor (while Kirk has the heartbreak story, it looks like Craig the lawyer could win and be the new Bob Guinea). Some random guy we totally forgot doesn't like that the Weatherman "bitched out" on crazy Craig being "dangerous" and Chris N actually speaks and wears a Phantom t-shirt, ala "Rated R" Justin. Kasey is brought out to discuss his famous tattoo, bad singing, and of course, "guard and protect her heart" which had to have been said 50 times during the special- no lie.

But we all tuned in because wanted to see Justin again and tear him a new one for 2-timing Ali (or 3-timing since he had 2 girlfriends at home). Tough shit cause he ain't there, so they spend a solid 30 minutes discussing the scandal without him and Craig sums it up with "he was an asshole being an asshole." To get down to the knitty gritty the producers brought it someone to really bring more depth to the Justin situation: Jessie, that girl from Jake's season who called the producers. God forbid they went with the angle of actually bringing the girlfriends, but Jessie's just there to try to get on Bachelor Pad 2. To sum it up: the guys hate Justin, Justin doesn't want to deal with it on TV, and Justin really needs to be careful leaving voicemails.

Frank is not at the Men Tell All but he'll be at next week's After the Final Rose since who cares what he has to say to the guys, let's make Ali cry again! (Update: Lie! Reality Steve reports Frank is not appearing which makes sense since no one needs to be crucified for a fake reality show twice)Frank leaving Ali is a tough topic because the guys like Frank, but many don't appreciate him sticking around if his heart wasn't totally in it. Kirk seems most upset because Frank's a bud, but Kirk wishes he could've gone to the final 3 with Ali and maybe found love if Frank respectfully declined the rose. Kirk was in fact heartbroken after losing Ali, but his sob story is definitely enough to get him in contention for Bachelor status.

Ali comes out (with a bird's nest on her head) to talk to the guys, gets serenaded by Kasey again, and laugh at some blooper clips. Best blooper clip: putting a sleeping Craig's hand in a bucket of warm water to make him pee the bed. After a long montage of the final 2, Roberto and Chris, we get a preview of the spin-off show Bachelor Pad,which is essentially I Love Money without as many groupie skanks. It's fill of hook-ups, fights, weaves, and crying- I can't wait. So yeah, completely awesome Men Tell All Special .



Photo Credits: BuddyTV

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The Bachelorette: "Not Here for the Right Reason" Season Count: Week 10

I knew the Men Tell All special came through for the season count, though I wish it was more. This will be the only time I say thank you host Chris Harrison, since his discussion of "Rated R" Justin and his double dippin' (I guess kinda triple dippin'). Anyways, Chris dropped 2 "not here for the right reasons" which ticks the count up just slighty. So here's my hope: either next week in the finale there's yet another season recap to inch the count up a digit or two. I can dream right. In great news, we're into the 20's!! 21 to be exact.

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The Bachelorette: Frankly, I'm Still in Love with my Ex

The Bachelorette

The episode begins with Chris and Roberto fondly remembering the good times with Ali and hoping they get picked. They pack up, hop in a limo, and get the first flight to Tahiti. Frank, however, has a revelation: while he was falling in love with Ali he realized he was still has feelings his ex, an ex Ali doesn't know about. So with cameras conveniently in tow, Frank heads to Chicago to see his ex and finally decide if he's ready to move on with Ali or get back together with her. Classy move! Shouldn't he have maybe declined a rose weeks ago if he was conflicted? Frank's ex Nicole makes her best attempt to pretend to be surprised to see him (and the camera crew). It's a pretty awkward chat with weird long pauses (channeling the now over Hills), and Frank admits his has real feelings for Ali but as they traveled and made out all around the world he was thinking about Nicole. Nicole even drops a "you complete me" which is always an original one. Frank decides Nicole is who he loves and wants to be with and the show admits they're in love with torturing their chosen stars. Frank, you got some 'splain to do to Ali.

As Frank and his ex reunite in Chicago, Ali has her first date in Tahiti with Roberto (or specifically the island of Le Taha'a which she brags she has all to herself with the guys). Just a guess: they will make out a lot and dance. Oh for christ's sake, they take ANOTHER HELICOPTER RIDE. They arrive at what they say heart-shaped lagoon (looks like like a liver to me), which they proceed to repeat over and over because hearts are so romantic and so is this date. In what is completely shocking, they spend the entire date making out in the water. At dinner, Roberto tells Ali he's falling love with her, so they make out more. Get a GD room already. Luckily, Chris Harrison thinks the same thing and leaves his usual Fantasy Suite card at their romantic dinner which they happily take.

Date #2 takes Chris and Ali on a catamaran where they drink, talk about family, and make out. The romance is finally there, so perhaps that fantasy suite will get some good use- oww oww. Their boat can't make it to this island area, so they swim there and by swim I mean make out in the middle of the ocean while walking up to the island with Ali straddling Chris like a chimp (not an orangutan cause they can't swim). They go hunting for pearls and are both so successful and even find a black pearl. Aren't those rare? It wouldn't shock me if some poor production assistant had to hunt down clams and shove some pearls into them for this date. They have dinner on a private secluded island, like all normal couples do, and Ali drops in lots of Tahitian cooking knowledge that the producers fed her. I'm assuming they ate dinner but it seems like they're just ready to get into that fantasy suite, though Chris does say he could see himself with Ali forever and she could see moving back to Massachusetts to be with him and his family. They head to the fantasy suite, which is some big house and they talk and make out, just like the rest of the date. It's absolutely thrilling to recap.

A really sunburned Frank arrives in Tahiti for his free vacation to crush Ali's soul and leave her for his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Frank, you are a deadman to women across America. Get rid of your Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, move out of your parent's basement- everything! Prepare to be attacked. Frank isn't sure how to tell this news to Ali so he seeks the sage wisdom of Chris Harrison. Chris says he's "blown away" by Frank's news eventhough his face totally reads "dude, the producers told me awhile ago- I'm the almighty, all-knowing Chris Harrison." Apparently he was falling for Ali, but the ex was holding him back from sharing his whole heart with Ali. Frank isn't sure how Ali will react and Chris tells Frank that Ali is crazy for him, which is an understatement. Chris brings up their date starts in an hour- what's he gonna do? Duh- get wasted and go sailing!! Aw man, he's gonna tell Ali the truth.

Ali is ecstatic for her sailing date with Frank, oblivious to the pile of chum (fishing reference!) that will be metaphorically dumped on her in a minute. He tells her "We need to talk" and it's all downhill from there. He explains the feelings he had were real, they were getting stronger and stronger, but he was being held back because he was still in love with his ex and when he saw her again the feelings rushed back. Ali asks him why he never brought this up (answer: because the producers made him play along) and he's at a loss for words. Ali is heartbroken, rightfully so, especially since I've felt that she's wanted to pick him since night 1 and has spent this whole process reassuring him she wanted to be with him. Lots of crying, long awkward goodbye hug, and producer Mike Fleiss probably getting a boner from how he thinks this will be ratings gold. Frank, you are the new Jason Mesnick. Prepare to be hated for a long time.

Ali vents to Chris Harrison, Bachelorette buddha, while Frank dramatically closes the cabana doors ending this chapter of his life. So dramatic! Ali is torn because as much as she hates Frank right now, she also wants him back. God this is depressing to watch. Imagine how Ali is feeling. It's not just that she got dumped, she got humiliated on TV. He picked his ex-girlfriend after leading her on for like 8 episodes. Sure she dumps guys weekly but that's cause she's The Bachelorette and she gets to do the picking. In terms of producer manipulation, this may be their sickest move yet since reports are Frank told them for weeks he wanted to leave and they made him play along. Why not humiliate your star for ratings sake?

There's still a rose ceremony, but it's moreso for Ali to make sure Roberto and Chris accept the roses and want to be with her and not dump her in another exotic locale. Ali had come to accept Frank is not that one and she wouldn't want him back. She's still confident her future husband is still here, but us viewers ain't buyin' it. Ali wants Chris and Roberto to take the roses knowing that she wants them here, not that it's a default (umm kind of a lie since she already said she wanted Frank to meet her family). The 2 guys notice Frank isn't there, Chris Harrison makes an ominous mention, and finally Ali comes out and tells them she didn't have her date with Frank and that he had some issues to take care of back home and is gone. She doesn't mention that Frank dumped her for his ex, but I guess I wouldn't want to rub salt in my wounds either.

Next week: the men tell all! Well except for the men we actually want to hear from because they aren't there (Justin, Frank).

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The Bachelorette: "Not Here For the Right Reason" Season Count: Week 9

I kind of thought "not here for the right reason" might be dropped a couple times when Frank revealed that he was in love with his ex, but sadly not. The count remains stagnant.

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The Bachelorette: Kicked to the Kirk, I Mean Curb

The Bachelorette

Ali and her suitors ditch their European vacation and head back to the states where Ali will visit each of her final 4 in their hometowns and meet their families. They will of course loooove Ali and think Ali and their son are a perfect match and begin counting the number of grandchildren Ali will pop out.

First stop: Tampa, Florida to be seduced by Roberto and his "baseball career" at the University of Tampa. He brings her to the field, where he brings up that he played collegiate and professional baseball and since he's now on a reality dating show and barely 30, I think we know how that turned out. Turns out a baseball uniform really turns on Ali, so she monkey jumps his bones. The only downer is that we don't get a lot of sexual baseball metaphors- boo-urns! Roberto gives Ali his baseball card from when he played on the SteepleCats (you know, the SteepleCats) and I say she should save that card because surely very few were ever made so you could maybe eBay it at some point for like $30. The big question is how will Roberto's parents, specifically his hardass dad, feel about Ali. Even Roberto's worried, probably because Ali's a total gringa. Everyone is, of course, very welcoming and interested in hearing about Ali and Ali tooting Roberto's horn (I mean bragging, not that way). Roberto takes his dad aside to get his feelings and he thinks his son is a prize. Roberto's dad sounds like he'd get along super with Ty, because he seems to also have qualms about Ali's ambition and what she'd give up to support Roberto. Roberto gets both his parent's blessing so there is relief. And in no surprise at all, Ali and Roberto f'ing dance again because it's all they do. At least this time they aren't making out nonstop.

Next stop: Cape Cod with Chris L, so it's like kinda my turf but not at all. They take a long walk on the beach in the crappy rain with Chris' dog, who is freaking out my dog Schroeder. Yes, Schroeder literally flew off the couch to pounce on this TV dog. Chris brings Ali to his house to meet his family (dad, brothers, sister-in-laws), which we know is important since his mom died and they are all super close. Chris is so much more comfortable in his home, really letting Ali in, laughing and having a good time. They eat a giant plate of shrimp and I am so envious. Chris L, if/when this relationship doesn't work, call me. I love shrimp, beer and dogs too! Chris' family can tell he's totally smitten, but they worry because this is still a competition and there are other guys in the fold still. There's a lot of serious talks on this date that make it hard to write a snarky blog post. The date ends with some making out, so it's a successful day for Chris L.

3rd stop: Green Bay, Wisconsin for a day with Kirk. Kirk's parents are divorced and don't speak, so they get to do 2 house visits. It's like 2 Christmases! They head to Kirk's dad's house first and it's clear this side of the family has a passion for 2 things: commerative collectible plates and dead animals. Kirk's dad's has quite the collection of mounted animal heads, which is always a panty-dropped for any single lady. But the 2 talk and Ali realizes she must be kinda special if Kirk was happy to bring her to meet the fam since he never brings girls around unless they are special. Kirk's dad really likes her, but also wants Kirk to be logical and think with his heart and brain, not just jump into an engagement. Ali better be careful cause if you break Kirk's heart, her head might be on that wall next to the deer. Ali and Kirk get dropped off at his mom's house where she gets to meet his mom, grandma, and sister and have a homecooked meal. Kirk really wants it to work with Ali and, you won't believe it, his mom likes her too!

Final stop on the serial dating tour: Frank in Chicago, where they get to go to Frank's parents house which is his house too since he lives at home. They take a boat ride and not once make a Titanic or "I'm On A Boat" reference, so I'd say this is a failure of the high seas. Ali brings up that she could be meeting her potential in-laws today and Frank's face turns so red and flustered: warning sign! Ali wonders if they'll have tough questions and I'm sure they will like, "Should Frank pick you or his ex?" He still worries that he could have faith in their relationship but she could send him home, to which Ali again says "stop worrying" but now she worries he's not confident in their relationship working out. It's still sooo obvious that Ali wants Frank, period, end of story. She stares at him, laughs at his bad jokes, won't stop smiling, and is very eager in telling Frank's mom how much she likes him. Too bad we've seen the season preview. Prepare for the wrath of America, Frank. Frank expresses to his sister his doubts that maybe this isn't a forever thing, but then later expresses he could propose in a few weeks. I can't tell whose head Frank is messing with more: Ali's or the viewers.

Ali returns to LA and that gaudy mansion for a rose ceremony that will bring her final 3 to Tahiti. She has a lame 1-on-1 with Chris Harrison, most likely so that Chris Harrison can actually feel involved rather than being that creeper who shows up to say "This is the final rose tonight." Ali starts to tear up during the rose ceremony, knowing that she'll be ripping someone's heart out tonight. The 3 roses are given to Roberto, Chris, and Frank. Poor Kirk is heartbroken, knowing that he's not the one for Ali.

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The Bachelorette: "Not Here for the Right Reason" Season Count: Week 8

I think we all knew there'd be no instances this week, but the countdown must go on. Men Tell All Special, come soon!

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The Bachelorette: Easy Guys, You Can ALL Be King of the Castle!

The Bachelorette • The Jake and Vienna Break Up Interview

The Bachelorette - The next pit stop for Ali and her men is Lisbon, Portugal, where there will be 4 dates between the 5 guys to try and woo Ali enough for hometown dates next week. The first date card is for Roberto where he is supposed to "come be the king of my castle" (cue Borat impression), making Frank extremely jealous again. I think there should be a jealous Frank drinking game. Ali and Roberto sightsee around Lisbon, taking pictures of them leaping mid-air and annoying the locals. As a person addicted to lame pictures though, I dig this date. The majority of the date is spent kissing: in the street dancing, on a trolley, on a picnic. Get a room! They talk, bond, and Ali says she could see Roberto being the one for her. I imagine we'll here this maybe 3 more times tonight.

Frank and Ty get the 2-on-1 date and while no one will be eliminated on the date, Frank continues to whine about how difficult 2-on-1 dates are. And drink. The guys arrive to meet Ali and do something completely original: take a helicopter ride [rolls eyes]. They land to scope out some castle or fort, see a deer, and have a super awkward dinner. Wisely, Ali pulls the guys aside for alone time to talk. Ty is first, and Ali is planning to spend this time grilling Ty about his divorce and his traditional values (aka Ty divorcing his wife cause she was too busy workin' rather than being in the kitchen). Ty gives the right answers about his wife wanting a career and having goals, so it's essentially the same conversation as last week. In Frank's alone time, he lets Ali know how close he is to his family and how Ali will be accepted and loved by them. Frank also lets her know that he lives at home with his parents, thinking it could be a dealbreaker; shocker, she doesn't care. Listen, Frank could say he's a murderer or porn addict and she wouldn't care. Ali is so into Frank it's like this whole show is a waste; even she wants it to be final 2 so she can pick him. Too bad we saw the season preview.

Kirk's date card says "Once upon a time" and nothing else, but I imagine Kirk is dreaming of dressing as Prince Charming. They start the date drinking tall glasses of beers and having lunch in town but are interrupted by a horse drawn carriage. The carriage takes them to yet another castle, making me wonder if there is anything to do in Portugal besides visit old castles. Ali is trying to be polite but she's sort of out of it and stressed, so Kirk tries to provide some reassurance. Maybe a rooftop dinner and a full belly will cheer her up, or at least some Portuguese wine. Kirk and Ali get serious and talk about the relationship and he assures he he's not just falling in love with the idea of Ali, or the concept of being in love, he's just falling for her. Kiss, mandolins, more kissing.

Chris is the final date of the week with an ominous "Love gets better with age" date card, which is always nice to give the oldest guy in the bunch (even if he's early 30s). Ali admits she likes Chris, but right now it might be a little more friend zone- ouch. In terms of dorky dates, they ride a moped together and Chris goes super-slow, in fear of killing Ali, though she compares his slow driving to how slow their relationship is taking. Ouch again. Ali takes the lead and drives the moped, showing Chris she wants a little speed in her life. They have a picnic on a wall that I swear has to be part of a castle and discuss Chris' mom (again) and how this makes him a more guarded in this process. They head to a winery to get their drank on and hopefully loosen up, and Chris explains it takes a while to open up, but he's getting better and likes being around her. He gives Ali a Dennis bracelet so that she'll fit in when she visits him in the Cape. I would've preferred a lobster roll, but different strokes.

Rose ceremony: Ali is taking this very seriously because she knows meeting the family is a big step and she's going to be crushing a guy who truly wants Ali to get to know his family. Her roses go to: Chris, Frank, Roberto, and Kirk. Ali walks Ty out in the pouring rain, and she stays completely dry while he gets wet while expressing his sadness in losing out on a chance at love with her. After he leaves then they let her get soaking wet and shiver in sadness and cold, cold rain.

The Jake and Vienna Break Up Interview - Chris Harrison introduces us to this special, explaining the show gives us updates about the couples such as marriages and kids- so they mean twice. He announces Jake and Vienna broke up and since the tabloids are reporting everything, Jake and Vienna are here to tell the "sad truth" about their "failed love affair." Chris Harrison's writer is so eloquent tonight.

Jake comes out first, looks tanner, and bobbles his head a lot. Jake's side of the story is that he'd be in LA for work, knew they were having trouble, but wanted to fight for their relationship, and he didn't do anything wrong. Enter Vienna, who hugs Chris, avoids Jake. Vienna's side of the story is things started changing a month after they were dating, saying at home there was no real relationship, but they'd have one in front of the cameras and on the red carpet. They take about the lack of emotion in the relationship, which leads Chris to bring up why she sold her story to the tabloids. Vienna says she wanted a voice because Jake would run to the press too and she wanted to be heard. Jake pipes in saying, "I'm so disgusted with you" and brings up she flirted with him the same weekend they broke up.

The career is the next topic of arguing. Vienna was under the assumption Jake was a pilot and they'd spend their time jetting between Dallas and Florida, not LA for acting. Jake gets the ultimate dig, "at least I was pursuing a career in something." Jake makes the goofiest faces, it's hard to not laugh at him. Jake also was an a-hole to Vienna's dog when it was in the hospital; oh you're dead to me, Jake! Never mess with a dog! Even if it's spoiled. Vienna denies any infidelity, particularly with that actor from the show Greek who sold his story to the tabloid, bleeping out a lot of names in the process. Vienna says Jake is a liar and wants to bring out a "poly-a-graph test" because he'd fail. I am still laughing at her mispronunciation of polygraph.

Chris asks why tell so many intimate details and it's a stupid explanation. Essentially, it's he said, she said across the tabloids. Chris makes them remember the fond times, like why they fell in love to begin with, and wonders why it couldn't have just ended amicably. They actually broke up twice (Jake calls them temper tantrums), with Vienna giving the ring back, but she would take him back. He says it's a game, she said she wanted to leave. Vienna explains her frustration in tears: she couldn't get a job because they were temporarily in LA for Dancing with the Stars, she was alone, they were never together. Jake adds some snarky comments and I have to admit, in terms of this break up, I think I'm on Team Vienna. It's so obvious Jake is a smug dude who just wants to be famous. Vienna got totally shit on by The Bachelor, becoming America's villain, and genuinely seems upset.

Next round: who dumped who. They bicker more, Jake's patronizing (who calls their ex "baby"?), and Vienna calls out his lack of intimacy. He wants to know who would want to be intimate with a woman who undermines him and emasculates him (the damn GPS is tearing them apart). I think this interviews drinking game could be drink everytime Jake says "undermining" or "stop interrupting me." Vienna believes Jake treats her like a child, and judging by this interview, I couldn't agree more. Chris wants to know how they can move forward and Vienna said she's done with it and just wants Jake to admit her side is the truth. Vienna does apologize that she went about the break up the way she did, but knows he would've done the same. He starts to say "You don't know me", Vienna tries to pipe in and he bellows, "PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" and she bursts into tears, and he keeps talking. Vienna walks away while Jake continues to be a total douchebag.


Photo Credit: My digital camera taking pictures of my TV

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The Bachelorette: "Not Here For the Right Reason" Season Count: Week 7

Bad news everyone: now that we're in the final 5 (and now final 4), I doubt we'll hear much of the famous catchphrase. I will keep posting the count in case one pops up, but looks like the countdown might finally end until 1. the Men Tell All special and 2. a season-long recap. So with a season total of 19, let's see if somehow we can make it into the 20s.

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The Bachelorette: Ali Quits Justin Cold Turkey

The Bachelorette

Ali starts the episode waxing on about how she's excited about the future and nothing can go wrong, so cue Chris Harrison to enter Ali's suite with dire news. He lets Ali know that a former cast-member contacted the show and has important information to share, so they let her (Jessie) speak to Ali on the phone. Conveniently there's a camera crew with Jessie in Toronto, so this is completely out of the blue. Ohh producers, you really showed your hand on this one, clearly making Ali keep Justin around to play out this dream scenario.

On the phone Jessie immediately drops "not there for the right reasons" twice and informs her Justin has a girlfriend back home named Jessica and she is with her right now. Jessica throws on the waterworks and lets her know she and Justin have been dating for close to 2 years, told her he'd be going on the show to promote his career and that he'd return to her once the show ended. His goal is to make top 3 to set up his career, and she even helped him prepare for the show. True love, indeed. But the story gets better because Jessica then realized Justin had another girlfriend on the side. Ali's pretty shocked and glad to hear this news because no one, not Ali or Jessica or girlfriend #2, deserve this skeeze. Ali finally realizes Justin's been lying the whole time and she's been eating in all up, so she looks like the dummy here and is pretty pissed. Chris even reveals that he's been sneaking off and calling Jessica throughout this entire process.

Ali heads down to the guy's suite to confront Justin in front of all the guys. And then she says, and I must quote it cause it's pretty awesome, "It's been quite the road getting here so far. You know Justin it's been especially difficult for you cause you probably really miss your girlfriend in Canada!" And the jaws drop. Ali calls him out on his bullshit, so he leaves the room, grabs his bag and peaces out. He hobbles all over the place in his walking cast to get away from Ali and the cameras. He returns with his excuse story, trying to claim he has into this at first but then over the weeks realized he wanted his girlfriend and he was planning to give his 2-on-1 date rose back which Ali reminds him is kind of late. Ali is livid since she gave up everything for the opportunity to find love and her husband, and with that Justin is gone. As Justin leaves the hotel the show plays voicemails he left for his girlfriend while on the show expressing his undying love for her. Thank god Justin is gone, but I have to be thankful to him since he really helped rake up the "not here for the right reason" count.

Back to the dating. Ali brings Ty on a solo date, where they sightsee around Turkey and have a relaxing time, which is a change from the adrenaline-charged "Rated R" morning. They head to a bath-house and luckily they get it to themselves, which means no seeing overweight hairy men sitting around in towels. They get wrapped up in what look like picnic table clothes, massage each other and make-out. Ty is already dreaming of returning to Turkey for their honeymoon and it's like really dude, cause even I know you don't stand a chance. They finish the night with a romantic waterfront dinner with a Q&A session, mainly bringing up Ty's past marriage which seemed to end because Ty wanted his woman slavin' round the house rather than working. He says he's changed and realized something called women's lib, which is a good save considering you're dating a girl who originally left the show for her job. Ty gets the rose, some slow dancing, and more kissing.

Kirk, Chris, Roberto and Craig meet Ali at a 15th century fort to rip off their shirts and fight each other for alone time. No seriously, they get oiled up (in olive oil), throw on some leather pants, and wrestle each other. Boy Justin, you got exposed about 1 day too early. Craig takes the wrestling very seriously since he has never had a solo date with Ali and needs the time (he's also bummed Frank is getting a 2nd 1-on-1 date before he even gets one). After a super sexy roll-around with Roberto, Craig finally wins some alone time. They take a boat ride to some private island for dessert and champagne, where Craig emphasizes his positive way of thinking as well as his new-found passion for olive oil wrestling. The night ends with a viewing of fireworks, but no kissing so Craig is the only dude left who hasn't gotten a smooch yet. Friend zone alert.

Frank's date card arrives and it says "Please stop whining about not getting alone time." Ok, it says something about the road to love being bizarre, almost as bizarre as Frank's obsession with Ali. Both parties hope this date helps them reconnect, so what better way than to shop around a crowded Turkish bazaar? True loves always emerges from haggling with local shop owners. It's actually a pretty fun date and Ali and Frank really do have great chemistry. They bring a picnic dinner and their newly purchase rug to a cistern, to dine on a platform in the middle of all this water. Frank opens up and admits he only wants to propose once in his lifetime, so he needs to get to that place with Ali. This scares Ali because her fear is that she can't control who falls in love with her, and she fears the person she loves won't love her back. But all seems to go well and Frank gets a rose.

Ali decides she doesn't need a cocktail party which disappoints all because 1. no Ali time and 2. less boozin'. Ali doesn't want to have the guys attempt to make a last-ditch plea when she knows where her heart is. I totally thought this would be a non-elimination since probably one guy would've gone home, but that's not the case. Kissless Craig is eliminated, which is not a surprise to any of us since he's the only one flying in the friends-only zone.

Coming soon: Portugal make-out sessions, hometown dates, Tahiti, and the Frank-bomb


Thanks for Pat for this week's blog title!

Photo Credit: Screencaps from ABC.com's player

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The Bachelorette: "Not Here for the Right Reason" Season Count: Week 6

At long last "Rated R" Justin was exposed for the aspiring famewhore we all knew he was. The best part? Tons of "not here for the right reasons" being dropped. As soon as ex-Bachelor contestant Jessie called Ali to let her know about Justin's 2 girlfriends, I knew the count was in for a good night. As happy as I was for Justin to leave since he was a total douche, the "not here for the right reason count" will miss him. In Jessie's phone call we got 2 back-to-back "not here for the right reasons" which was such a great feeling. And as Ali finally came to the realization that she got played she also dropped a double. So the season count adds 4 more to the tally, for a season total of 19. Sadly, I think the count might be stagnant for a few weeks so fingers crossed for an awesome Men Tell All special or at least a super long season recap.

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Serving of the Week

Name: Kasey, The Bachelorette

SERVED: On this past week's Bachelorette, Ali had an infamous 2-on-1 date where only 1 guy survives the date. The contenders: sweet, weirdly voiced Kasey who is famously known as the guy who got a tattoo to show how he would "guard and protect the heart" and the Justin aka "Rated R", the aspiring pro-wrestler, who is so not here for the right reasons. Kasey's already proved himself to be kind of weird (hello, awkward serenades in the park) and all the crap Justin's serves up Ali buys into. So after alone time with both guys on a date on a glacier, Ali brings out her rose and gives it to Justin and poor Kasey is SERVED! To make matters worse, Ali and Justin board a helicopter home, leaving Justin stranded along on a glacier. SERVED! Poor guy. It's one thing to get dumped, it's another to be dumped on a fake reality show, but it's another for the show to go out of its way to humiliate you on national television. Sorry Kasey but you got SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.


Original photo credit: Hulu screencap

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Reality Rundown: That Tattooed Bachelorette Guy Gets Dumped on a Glacier

The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette - The whirlwind voyage of love continues with stop #2 in Iceland, which Chris Harrison announced there will be a 1-on-1, group, and dreaded 2-on-1 date. To get the 1-on-1 date they need to write Ali a love poem, trying to incorporate Icelandic words, and recite it and she'd pick the winner. Kirk and Frank learned from Roberto last week and walk close to Ali, and after a quick decision, Ali chooses Kirk for the 1-on-1 date since his poem recalled their relationship and he compliments her "root beer eyes."

Ali and Kirk's 1-on-1 involves sightseeing around Reychavik and dressing like locals do, which means Cosby sweaters. They settle on matching grey sweaters, goofy hats, and feed geese. Kirk opens up to Ali at dinner, explaining that 5 years ago he got so sick he almost died. Long story short, Kirk lived in a house at college that was, unknown to him, deemed unlivable so he was breathing in asbestos and mold. Kirk said this trying experience made him realize what's important in live, leaving Ali moved and she gives him a rose, a kiss, and of course the matching sweater.

The group date card arrives at the guy's suite, and Roberto, Frank, Chris L, Chris N, Ty, and Craig get selected. This leaves Kasey and his tattoo to battle against "Rated R" Justin for the 2-on-1 date rose, where one of them will definitely be eliminated. The group date sends the guys horseback riding on a mountain, spelunking in a cave, and later indulging in a healing lagoon. The guys go ow-oooo-ga when they see Ali's bikini bod and rip off their clothes. Frank continues his tour-de-force whining, complaining again about his jealousy. Ali pulls Frank aside and, in so many words, tells him to grow a pair and be a little more agressive. Ty the cowboy gets the rose because he was there for Ali and they both hugged a lot in the lagoon.

Justin decides to up his game to get the rose, and really it seems like he doesn't care about Ali as much as he cares about humiliating Kasey. Justin gets his cast off, while Kasey continues to mentally breakdown about showing Ali the infamous "guarding and protecting her heart" tattoo. The 2-on-1 date involves another GD helicopter and I'm seriously wondering how much of this show's budget is dedicated solely to helicopter rides. The helicopter takes them right over the active volcano and it's pretty amazing. The helicopter even lands nearby so they can take in the sights, though Justin uses this time to ponder how much he has made Kasey mentally break down. They re-board the helicopter to fly to a glacier that's complete with an ice bar. Ali has her alone time with Justin first, and he totally schmoozes, saying what she wants to hear. Kasey's time finally arrives and as Ali begins to say what happened on the last date wasn't wrong, Kasey whips off his gloves and reveals the tattoo. Ali's response is "Whaaaat?!" and "your mom is gonna kill you." She respects who Kasey is as a person and thanks him "for being you." Ali re-convenes the guys with her rose and gives a little speech before handing that rose to Justin. Poor sad sap Kasey is left alone, dumped on a glacier. SERVED!

The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party gives the guys one last chance to impress Ali. Frank finally takes some initiative, while Craig hilariously shows Ali the fake tattoo he drew on his arm. Craig is totally the Bob Guiney of this season. Chris N, who has had maybe 4 lines all season, speaks this week, first with a terrible, awkward love poem, and at this cocktail party where he reveals he's funny and then sits in deafening silence. Ali is visibly uncomfortable at his hug attempt. Chris Harrison pulls Ali aside to talk out her feelings, where he continues to prod until Ali reveals that she's afraid to put herself out there and fears that at the end of this experience she'll fall for someone but that feeling won't be reciprocated. Tear.

There are 4 roses sitting on a slab of ice for Ali to hand out, with 1 guy going home and I don't even need to listen to Ali's sympathetic speech. Chris N is eliminated and left out in the cold (Iceland pun). In the limo he reveals that he's at a loss for words, which is hilarious since until this point he's barely spoken on the show.

Next week: Istanbul, Turkey! Frank pulls away! Someone has a girlfriend!


Photo Credit: Screencaps from Hulu

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The Bachelorette: "Not Here for the Right Reason" Season Count: Week 5

As Kasey was left stranded alone and dumped on a glacier, I suddenly realized the only person that has been contributing to this season count is gone. I fear now my count will be stagnant and either I'll have nothing new to report and keep showing you 0's, or just not post at all. I know, you're crying too. Thanks to Kasey leaving us with one last "[Justin's] not here for the reason of Ali or love" the count ticks up 1 mere notch to a total of 15. Man, I hope that these secret girlfriends of the season help me get this up a teensy bit more or I'll be so depressed.

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The Bachelorette: That Tattooed Bachelorette Guy Can't Sing

The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette - My Bachelorette recaps are getting so long they deserve their own post- don't you think? So the skanky den of the bachelors vying for Ali's affection is now vacant, as Ali and her suitors begin a trip around the world to fall in love. First stop: Neeeew York City. The guys head to the airport to meet Ali there, since she's already in NYC getting made-over by InStyle magazine, an obvious ploy to get us gullible women to buy the July issue.

Solo date #1 is Kasey and his weird voice, and he's so into Ali and she's kind of not that into him. They take a helicopter ride (enough with the GD helicopters) over NYC and land for a picnic in the park. Kasey finds this intimate picnic as the perfect time to reveal his horrible singing voice, freestyling a song about the helicopter ride, himself, and getting a rose. It is terrible. Part 2 of the date is a night at the Museum of Natural History, sans Ben Stiller. The museum opts to be energy efficient, so Kasey and Ali run around the museum with flashlights. Yet another romantic setting, so Kasey decides to sing again. Ali is holding back laughing- he's just so bad. Kasey spends the whole night babbling about how he wants to "guard and protect her heart" and offers Ali the "jump in, stay awhile" in his heart. CREEPY! Ali feels like maybe Kasey isn't genuine and just spouting off lines, so she does not give him a rose. However, she doesn't eliminate him either, leaving him kind of crushed.

The group date has the guys auditioning for The Lion King on Broadway, including sexy dancing shorts and horrible singing voices (too bad Kasey wasn't on this date so he wouldn't have looked so bad). The director of the show has to pick one guy to get a private date with Ali and he picks based on "courage and truth" so he picks Roberto. Just like the other reality shows, the talented ones never win in the end. The actual date later is for Ali and Roberto to appear in The Lion King that night, making sexy times in the air on high wires; jealousy ensues. There's an after party for the date at a hotel, but Ali is feeling under the weather (not a Jonathan the Weatherman euphemism). Speaking of Jonathan, he's desperate for alone time but can't catch a break. Frank also gets alone time, where Ali addresses his palpable jealousy and assures she still likes him. Kirk is the only guy who urges Ali to get some rest and offers to walk her to her room- slick move! He tucks Ali in, maybe poorly sings a lullaby, and gets a little kiss.

Solo date #2 is with Chris L (the guy who actually has had screentime, not that random other Chris), but Ali is still really sick so instead of the planned date she invites him to hang out with her in her suite and feed her Dayquil and throw our her tissues. He brings some chicken noodle soup and they really bond, particularly with Chris opening up about his dead mom. It's Chris' birthday and Ali starts to feel better, so they pick up the end of the date with a seafood dinner at a club, a phone call home to Chris' dad, and a private concert by another no-name artist. Chris gets a rose as they dance and kiss on the roof.

Meanwhile, as Chris' date happens, Kasey disappears from the suite. He must've "snuck out" and by that I mean, the producers totally know what's going on and bring a camera crew. Kasey is desperate to prove he's genuine, so he gets a tattoo of a shield protecting a heart on his wrist - just to continously beat into our heads his "guarding and protecting the heart" catchphrase. Kasey returns hours later, claiming he burnt his wrist, but "Rated R" Justin declares him a "fibber." Justin should know since he lied about leaving last week, so plans to call him out. At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Justin confronts Kasey and it's so lame. In the end, Kasey reveals his tattoo to the guys, pointing out that the shield also has 11 diamonds to represent the guys too. Oh lordy. Chris notes the stupidity of this and points out that Kasey will forever be "that tattooed Bachelorette guy." Kasey almost gets to reveal the tattoo to Ali, thinking this will impress her, but Frank interrupts. She heads into the rose ceremony and keeps kreepy Kasey, opting to send home Weatherman and I-only-wear-jeans-to-rose-ceremonies Jesse. Next week: Iceland!

Line of the week award goes to Craig (who is growing on me): "We have a lot of great guys here, with the exception of Justin." SERVED!


Photo Credits: ABC.com, Screenshots from Hulu

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