Reality Rundown: Survivor: Nicaragua Super Special Finale Edition

Survivor: Nicaragua Super Special Finale Edition

Fabio finally gets the clue he's on the outs, so he begins to plan to make his way to the final 4 (and final Tribal) by breaking up that alliance and winning immunity again. Holly/Sash/Chase know getting Fabio out is their next objective. The immunity challenge is to answer questions for puzzle pieces and then put together a puzzle like every other GD challenge on this show. Enough puzzles, seriously. The big 3 take an early lead on the puzzles, but Fabio comes out of 4th place to rip that puzzle to shreds and wins immunity! At camp, the scheming starts big time and the 3 think Dan should go home because nobody's mad at him. Fabio seems to be playing the role of Greek chorus for us viewers, citing Dan's laziness and poor performance. Fabio is pushing to get rid of Holly. Fabio and Dan think Sash is their swing vote to change the game. A debate launches at Tribal, mainly between Dan and Holly about who's the bigger threat, and Dan, the laziest person to ever make it to the final 5, is at last eliminated. Dan speaks more in his exit interview than he does the whole show, airing grievances about hating Chase, Sash and Holly. It's pretty delightful.

The final 4 continue to strategize, with Fabio trying to get on Chase and Sash's good sides, while the 3 keep blabbing about needing to get Fabio out. But when the momentum gets going we get stuck watching that lameass rite of passage walk where they salute the fallen. Fast forward to the immunity challenge! The challenge is to balance a sword while stacking and balancing coins on it. In another Sash vs. Fabio battle, Fabio is the victor meaning Sash, Holly or Chase isn't going to Final Tribal and it feels so good. They return to camp and begin kissing so much ass, while backstabbing each other left and right. At Tribal Council, Fabio is all smiles knowing he's no longer on the outs and opens up. He can see through Sash's bullshit and explains how Chase and Holly openly admitted Fabio was not in their final 3 plans. Sash, desperate to stick around, tell Fabio he would've taken Fabio to the final 3, shocking all. His bullshit reasoning of using "probably" is because he didn't win immunity and doesn't have to make a choice- what a dick. The votes are cast and Holly is voted are. Are you f'ing kidding me? RAGE! I mean, it's smart because she would've won, but I liked her best!

It's the first all-male final 3 in Survivor history (thanks @jacobjunior7). Sash yaps about the guys being his wingmen- STFU Sash-hole. Fabio is finally able to eat on the day 39 breakfast. Chase is still in game-mode so he works to inflate Fabio's ego to hopefully take him out. Chase thinks he's the underdog and believes his game relationships will help him. It's out of their hands now because it's time to speak to the scorned: the jury!

At the opening statements, Chase is in "bring it on" catch phrase mode, Fabio giggles and had a good time, and Sash makes some "outwit, outplay, outlast" speech and claims he takes the friendships seriously. Marty asks Chase some dumbass question about who is the dumbest (but can't vote for Marty). Jane looks spooky to say the least, calls Sash a "New York city river rat," asks what Chase would do with the money ($100,000 for cancer charity, take care of his mom). Dan calls Sash a phony, liar, spineless, and should get his winking eye fixed. He goes on to call Chase the most paranoid player, a backstabber, and that "beauty fades, dumb is forever." Purple Kelly the quitter speaks and asks how they outwitted the jury (uh, by not quitting?) NaOnka is weirdly nice to Fabio and asks about his mom and if she motivated him, bringing him to tears. Dull. Alina's point is Fabio is a boy, the others are a man, so get to convincing. Chase gets super-defensive about why he deserves to win, which makes the guys all bicker. Votes are cast and my prediction was Sash would get 0 votes. Jeff collects the votes and disappears and arrives at...

The Reunion! Everyone dolled up in front of a crowd in the fake on-stage Tribal. The votes are read and the winner of Survivor: Nicaragua is...

Fabio- I mean Jud.

Aw man- I was ONE VOTE away from predicting the winner. SO CLOSE! I almost did it!!

The reunion starts with interviewing Fabio about his stupidity or act of playing dumb and I don't think he really answered. Chase knows he's wishy washy, didn't bang around with Brenda, and for some reason we have to endure his guitar and country music. Probst thought Sash would be first gone. Jimmy Johnson, who mind you was voted out 3rd and would get zero questions any other season, gets a chat since he's fucking famous. Holly gives Dan a new pair of fancy shoes, meaning ostrich cowboy boots. Jane did a lot of pre-season training, got "fluffed off" by the guys for an alliance. NaOnka is still employed, never took Kelly's fake leg into mind (LIE), and didn't comprehend how crappy it would be to live in a rainforest. The most important thing we learn is that if you quit going forward you can be either left on the jury or taken off. So what they really mean is if you're good TV (like a bitchy NaOnka) you'll be kept on the jury; if you're a nobody (like Purple Kelly), it's sayonara.

The $100,000 fan favorite won by the biggest landslide ever, which is a no shit scenario considering this cast of turds, and it's Jane. Also, Boston Rob because him and Ambuh popped out baby #2 and teases about the game changing forever (FOR THE WORSE). For season 22 of Survivor, when someone is voted out they aren't going home they have to live on Redemption Island. When the next person is voted out, they compete head-to-head to re-enter the game. The loser is out, the winner re-enters the game. I actually like this idea, however I don't like that the show fails to mention that we'll have to suffer through Boston Rob and Russell again, as reported.


Photo Credits: BuddyTV.com, CBS.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Please Pack Your Douchey Tie and Go

Finale! The Amazing Race • Finale! The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: Nicaragua • Top Chef All-Stars

Finale! The Amazing Race - It's the beginning of the end, as the final 3 board flights to finish their race around the world in sunny Los Angeles, to the tune of Katy Perry's "California Girls" (could it be a hint a ladies team will win??). Brook and Claire bust out the leopard print hot pants for this special occasion. The teams race out of LAX and head the the Long Beach Pier to retrieve their clue: take an elevator to the top of a crane, grab a clue, and then bungee swing back to the bottom. Nat/Kat take an early lead, with Nat being apprehensive since she's afraid of heights, but the other teams catch up and hope she has a height panic attack so they can pass her. Of course they do it right away cause it's the GD finale and if you piss it all away in the finale you're a dingaling.

The next clue sends the teams on a helicopter ride to a surprise destination (did the Bachelor producers create this task?) Surprise! They land at the Rose Bowl and find a Roadblock which instructs one team member to decorate 3 sections of a Tournament of Roses float ALONE. Good lord is that hard and if it is shaped like a stick of butter then it is definitely the Paula Deen Grand Marshall float. It's not, but it's a very timely task that's also subjective based on their arrangement of the flowers. The next clue has 3 questions that will lead to the next location, and there's difficulty finding someone willing to help them get the answers via phone. Jill/Thomas get screwed when their cabbie doesn't know what a Google search is, Brook/Claire use a hotel's internet, but Nat/Kat are able to convince an operator to answer the clue. It leads them to Quixote Studios in Griffith Park, Stage 7.

At Quixote Studios there's a giant screen with 48 different people from around the world in hats; they must identify, in order, the 11 people they've encountered across the race. Legendary gameshow host Bob Eubanks is there to give them the clue when done cause, yeah, no idea why. Nat/Kat were smart and kept notes throughout the race, which helps them keep track of the countries and narrow down the people. Before any other teams get to the studios, Nat/Kat complete the task and are given their final clue: get to the finish line at Greystone Mansion. There's some editing to make Brook/Claire look like they're catching up, but it's all editing: Nat and Kat cross the finish line and are the first female team to win The Amazing Race! I'm so excited and I knew a female team would win this season- I just picked the wrong one. After some Phil interviewing of the finalists, hugging and stuff, we the viewing audience get a tip: next season is "Unfinished Business" aka All Stars 2 and it will be in HD. It would be huge news if that didn't leak like 4 weeks ago online.

Finale! The Biggest Loser - The end is here and I hardly care who wins. Well OK, I only like Ada so I guess it's obvious where my loyalties lie. Right off the bat, Ada and Elizabeth are revealed and slimmer and, obviously, Ada wins the at-home vote to head to the final 3. Bob and Jillian come out, Bob in a tux, Jillian in a Saturday Night Fever suit. Then all the eliminated losers begin weighing in for the Biggest Loser At-Home Prize. Adam from the Blue Team is first to weigh in and grabs an early lead, losing 45% of his body weight. Mid-episode Jesse almost swoops in to beat Adam, but it 1lb short- bummer! Rick loses 165 (47%) weighs in, takes the lead and gets to stand awkwardly next to Alison Sweeney for the next hour. Patrick seems like a shoo-in until Mark comes out, spray-tanned and hair-dyed, oh a super skinny. He loses 213lbs (50.5%) and wins the at-home prize. Winner winner Jennie-O boneless skinless chicken breast dinner!

The final 3 come out on stage and look great, though Patrick should seriously throw on a fucking blazer and class it up a little. It's a big event. Frado hops on the scale first and loses 44% of his weight; no way is he winning with those numbers. Ada weighs in with 99lbs lost (38%) which is a bummer since I actually like her. It's now totally obvious that Patrick is going to to win because the winner always weighs in last to make the confetti blast work in the ideal setting. Patrick wins losing like 181lbs, most likely winning because he talked so much that he dropped another 15lbs in hot air.

Also to note, The Biggest Loser 11 starts in merely 3 weeks (god forbid we get a break) and there are 2 new trainers. The twist: they can choose to train with Bob/Jillian on the ranch OR train with the mystery trainers at an unknown locale. Geez, wonder how much they'll have to pay the contestants to pick option 2? Instead, if you chose the new trainers you essentially have 4 weeks of immunity while the Bob/Jillian people face regular eliminations. Ugh, just when I thought I'd get a breather from recapping this bore-fest.

Survivor: Nicaragua - Sash tries to make good with Fabio, claims he's running the game, and mentions as long as Fabio doesn't win immunity the plan goes on. Talk about foreshadowing! But shortly after, a cell phone is found at Tree Mail with clues for a reward challenge and videos from their loved ones. Everyone cries at the videos, but of course, this is just a tease: their loved ones are there at the challenge! For the reward challenge, the family members will compete together for a chance to spend the day with their Survivor loved one- twist! The survivors retrieve bags of letters from a pool, their family member will solve the puzzle. Chase and his mom win and brings Sash/his mom and Holly/her husband on their cruise. Someone's pandering for votes! Chase wonders what happens to the losers, "They will be taken and executed." HA! Super mis-leading promo. Fabio is completely heartbroken that Chase didn't pick him, since he would've picked Chase had circumstances changed.

Fabio, Dan and Jane return to camp, bitter at losing a chance to be with their family, but also how much Chase kisses Holly's ass. Fabio feels played, Jane wishes she could have time since her daughter is going to college, and they agree it could've been a million dollar decision. A bitter person alliance would be so amazing right now. Meanwhile, the other 3 and family are eating junk food on a boat and make a final 3 pact. They're a bit confident, with the plan to eliminate Fabio in full force. You know the arrogance will bite them in the ass tonight.

The immunity challenge is a blind-folded symbol reading challenge thing to make a matching symbol shield. Who really cares, you just need to know who wins. FABIO WINS! So the arrogant 3 have to change their votes to get rid of someone else, so the easy target is lazyass Dan. Fabio is pushing for Jane because she's guaranteed to win, but Chase is hesitant and it becomes a big decision of should Jane come to final 4. Sash and Holly want her out, Chase is still indecisive, and they are all horrible liars when approached by Jane, who gets the hint pretty quickly. Jane is heartbroken, but still sassy enough to give Sash the finger when he says she could beat any of them for the million. The wrath of Jane needs to make a power move with Fabio and Dan, but instead throws water on the fire.

Tribal is amazing. Jane knows she's going out and does so in a Festivus Airing of Grievances: Holly stealing $1,400 in personal property (Dan's shoes) and lets the news of the 4-way alliance out which shocks Dan and Fabio. Since there's an alliance of 3, Jeff calls them out and even confers in front of the rest of the tribe (and jury) that next to go is Fabio or Dan. Jeff asks the 3 outsiders why they haven't formed an alliance, so Jane proposes they vote off Holly because Chase and Sash both have idols. Now Holly's nervous, Chase is confused, and the votes are cast. Chase and Sash both use their hidden immunity idols so any votes cast against them are null and void. Jane is unanimously voted out by the tribe, not even by a tie. While Jane could've won, when there's an overly arrogant alliance YOU TAKE THEM OUT. DUH.

Top Chef All-Stars - The chefs all agree Jamie should've went home last week since Jen was strong and Jamie spent the whole challenge in the ER. That is neither here or there, as the game goes on. In the kitchen with Padma is guest judge David Chang, and the Quickfire is to split in 4 teams of 4 and complete mise en place and then create a dish using all those ingredients. First team done hits a red button to start a 15 minute clock, forcing the other teams to speed up. Fabio's amazing garlic smashing gives the Black team an early lead and quickly finish the rest of their mise en place, so they hit the button. 15 minutes left, so chaos in the kitchen happens, with only 15 minutes to finish prep, conceptualize and cook their dishes. Red team is worst for the overpowering Parmesan on their lamb carpaccio, along with the Black team (despite having the lead) for their spicing on the Tandoori-rubbed pork chop. Best are White's simple and complex carpaccio and Blue's crispy lamb chop bold flavors. The Blue team (Richard, Stephen, Spike Trey) win $5k each (no immunity).

The teams get a little field trip in their teams to unique restaurants around New York, with the challenge being to create a dish worthy of being on that restaurant's menu and please their chef. The twist is that the groups will be competiting as individuals against each other and there's a double elimination. At Ma Peche, Tiffany, Fabio, Angelo and Mike sample French Vietnamese food and enjoy the food while suffering through Angelo. Richard, Stephen, Trey, and Spike dine at Marea which focuses on coastal Italian (as opposed to inner-city Italian?) Stephen is a stuffy arrogant a-hole and tries to act like he's hot shit. Carla, Tiffani, Asian Dale and Marcel eat at Wylie Dufresne's WD50, which means Marcel's gonna make foam- know that! Carla is worried at the huge style difference between her cooking and WD50's. Jamie, Antonia, White Dale, and Casey get a cocktail with a fish in the bottom of the glass at David Burke's Townhouse. Yeah, whimsical is one way to describe it.

The judges cab-it from restaurant to restaurant to taste the dishes, dining alongside the restaurant owner at each. What if they hopped in the Cash Cab on their way to Ma Peche? That'd be epic. I'd cover all the dining and comments, but quite frankly I'd be blogging forever, so let's just do judges' table, shall we?

Top group: Asian Dale, Tre, Angelo, and Antonia. Antonia makes a delicious play on peas and carrots. Angelo put white chocolate on his fish, which is crazy but worked. Tre's fish was perfectly cooked, simple and the star of the dish. Dale knew Wylie loved eggs, made it good, and made a broth that tasted like breakfast (this I need to try). Dale wins the challenge and a 6 night trip to New Zealand. Bottom: Stephen, Tiffani, Fabio, White Dale. Fabio was definitely out of his element and lost his way with a ton of ingredients to compensate; his lamb was overdone too. Stephen considers himself "an expert in Italian food and wine" and knows he messed up. The flavor and scent was unpleasant, even though the salmon was cooked well. Tiffani's dish was watery and mushy and let the molecular gastonomy take over. Dale's dish was too crazy; he delivered a breakfast dish with veal and it was too sweet. Eww. The judges deliberate and the axe falls on Stephen and Dale for the double elimination. While they are told to pack their knives and go, it's important that Stephen take his douchey ties too.


Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, BuddyTV.com, CBS.com, Dlisted

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Reality Rundown: I Did Love My Chicken!

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: Nicaragua • Top Chef All-Stars

The Amazing Race - The teams are heading via plane to South Korea and I am dreading that quitters Nick & Vicki will likely catch up due to an equalizer, even with a 6 hour penalty. Luckily, they are unable to might the 12:30AM flight all the other teams catch, setting them back another 9 hours. YES. When the teams arrive in Seoul, South Korea they're made to drive to a bridge at the North Korean border- why??? Trying to get Nick killed, I'd hope. They raft down a river and take a Humvee to a US Army base to a Roadblock: find a soldier wearing their matching headband without being beaten alive as they perform Rex Tai Kwon Do.

The teams then take a subway train to Seoul's World Cup stadium. Jill/Thomas are able to catch an early lead, while Brook/Claire, Nat/Kat wait for the next train; Nick/Vicki are mid-flight, ha! At the stadium, the team's next clue is a Detour: skate a 2 person speedskate or 24 laps or deliver ginseng roots through a market. Hmm, wonder what all 3 athletic teams will choose? Claire can't ice skate, but Brook really wants to do it; there's a minor passive aggressive discussion leading to them doing the ice skating. That's the least of their troubles because they take a cab to the ice rink and the rules strictly say cab or foot. The speed skating is hardly fast and is more like an episode of AFV: falls galore! Jill/Thomas and Brook/Claire are pretty much tied as they leave the Detour, while the Doctors are just beginning. Nick/Vicki are just enjoying their ride to the North Korean border.

Jill/Thomas are confused how Brook/Claire caught up to them so fast, unaware of their cab-taking error. After retrieving yet another clue, the 2 teams race to the Pit Stop, with Brook/Claire in the lead. Brook/Claire are the first to arrive at the Pit Stop mat, but are informed of their rule violation and given a 30 minute penalty. Considering that Nick/Vicki are probably 8 hours behind, I wouldn't be too worried for them. Jill/Thomas have cab chaos and a limited time frame to sneak in as team #1 and succeed; they are officially in the finale and win a trip to Argentina. Brook/Claire check in after their penalty as team #2, and Nat/Kat are team #3. So there's your final 3 and there's a huge chance a female team could win this race which is pretty great. I guessed a female team would win this race, sadly I picked the wrong one. Oh, Nick and Vicki. They're way behind, also having to do a speed bump of apparently washing a Humvee, and eventually arrive at the Pit Stop. Did they do the other tasks? Not sure- they might've been given a go but at least another a-hole couple doesn't make the finale.

The Biggest Loser - I swear this show exists slowly to annoy me. 2 hours 9-11 just so people can watch Minute to Win It: Holiday Edition. GMAFB. So here's what happens, eventhough it's like the same as every other season: the losers go home and reunite with their families and friends. Everyone marvels, cries, and opens the DVD they were sent home with that says, like it has the past couple of seasons, they will run a marathon to complete their journey (oh and it shows their families their progress on the ranch). The only family video I watched was Ada's, since her family finally saw the shit she's felt over the years and realize they were crappy parents to her and it's emotional, though I didn't cry like my mom did.

Everyone trains for the marathon, which includes running, a Biggest Loser Wii game product placement and Curtis Stone making his horrible food for Frado's charity event, since he wont the last weight in. Bob and Jillian also make their usual house calls to see how everyone is doing. Jillian has little to no faith in Elizabeth and bets she hasn't lost weight; gee, ya think? She's the weakest player EVER to make the finale. Plus she moved in with her boyfriend and their fridge is stocked with crap. Patrick just has money issues, Frado thrives, Ada still being a downer and not being happy.

The losers come back to the ranch to run their marathon and you wouldn't believe it: friends show up along the way to cheer them on! No ex-losers though, which is a surprise Frado and Patrick run together, Elizabeth doesn't die, Ada is still awesome and the only likable one. Also, every mile-marker has a stupid ad for that GD Wii game; WE GET IT. Ada decides to not pull an Uta Pippig and uses a porta-potty even if she's on a quest to beat ex-contestant Tara's time. Ada wins the marathon, they all finish (even Elizabeth), see how far they came, and get a check courtesy of that stupid f'ing Wii game. At the weigh-in, it's surprisingly Ada who does the worst (12lbs) though Elizabeth only lost 16lbs and she's heavier, so she still stinks. Frado and Patrick are above the yellow line and advance to the finales, leaving Ada and Elizabeth below the yellow line and their fate in America's hands. Ada will move on- no brainer.

Survivor: Nicaragua - The survivors are still reeling over the quitting of NaOnka and Purple Kelly; they even name the chicken Kelly-Nay since they are chicken themselves. Sash isn't planning to quit any time soon as approaches the young guys (sorry Dan) about a plan for him to ditch his idol next council and gain some trust since he's a swing vote at this point. Chase and Sash bond and agree to take each other on the next reward, which seems pointless until you read the next paragraph.

It's day 30 and the challenge is a "second chance" where they revisit past challenges: mud pits, hay, balls, digging, ropes, blah blah blah aka NOT THE AMAZING AUCTION. The winner, Chase, and his guests, Holly and Jane, have a meal, shower, and spend the night at a private resort. Chase isn't stupid though and realizes he made a blunder not picking Sash and it could bite him and Holly in the ass. Sash thinks it's the dumbest move in the game because now he can strategize with the dudes, so he explains he knows he's #4 either way so he's with them now. Dan's not buying it because Sash even betrayed his top alliance with Brenda, but he knows he's stuck because it's a numbers game. Then the guys kill Kelly-Nay and devour her, which brings Jane to tears and she makes a memorial.

Chase, Holly and Jane put their plan in motion to make Sash feel safe and convince others not to get them out. Sash makes some deals with Chase re: final 3 and 2 and Chase agrees; sorry Sash, the dude just said he'd take you on a reward and you buy this? Or perhaps it's because Sash made Chase swear on Chase's recently deceased father. What a dick. Benry just wants to stick around so agrees with the other tribemembers choice of Fabio being eliminated, but makes the point that Jane would be horrible to bring to the finals. With all the Fabio talk I thought he'd winning immunity, the SASH-HOLE wins immunity in a coin stack puzzle.

Sash's ego skyrockets, claiming he's been half-assing challenges and that he'll be a shoo-in to win the million. Fabio is uneasy and asks Sash to give him a head's up if his name is out there; he doesn't. To stay in the game, even Benry turns on Fabio and tells Fabio the tribe is voting off Holly, who then feels safe. D'oh. Sash and Jane talk and he explain she's like a second mother to him and he wouldn't vote her off. Yeah right, Sash-hole. At Tribal, Fabio seems pretty confident and safe is his alliance which is #1 "You're going home" signal. But there's a last minute switcheroo and an unsuspecting Benry is sent packin'.

Top Chef All-Stars - Joe Jonas is in the kitchen for the Quickfire so it must be a total dreamboat challenge, right? Actually, each chef must create a dish as a midnight snack in a brown paper bag for a bunch of kids spending a night at the museum. I did this with Girl Scouts as a kid. We slept under the T-Rex and they gave us shitty granola bars, so a sweet Top Chef snack, but also that was like 17 years ago so there was no Top Chef. Dale doesn't know Joe Jonas and seems to hate children because he makes them a corn cake and wishes he could put Nyquil in it. He truly understands the palette of a child. So the bottom: Tiffany's bread pudding, Mike's nasty coconut milk chaser, and Stephen's pretentious cookie. Favorites: Spike's chips and marshmallow dip and Tiffani's rice krispie chocolate moon pie. But they don't announce who wins because they have to get the verdict at the museum when they will make their treat for the kids. Tiffani and Spike also are made team captains and get to select their teammates to help make their treat; Fabio is last picked so gets to pick his team and he goes Spike.

So the kids pig out, get campaigned to by the chefs, freak out when they see Joe Jonas, and vote: Tiffani wins the Quickfire and immunity. Sighs of relief to escape the kids, but a-ha, not so fast as Tom enters the museum. The Elimination Challenge is to work in their teams to create a breakfast for the kids and their parents at the museum... for a 7:45 breakfast time. The other catch: one team can only cook only meat/eggs/dairy (Team T-Rex), another with only fruits, veggies, and grains (Team Brontosaurus). Tiffani chooses meat/dairy and Spike is fruit/veggies/grain. So the teams brainstorm and catch the little bit of zzzs they can, except some of the dudes who explore the museum with a flashlight like it's a date on The Bachelor.

Cooking time! Team T-Rex realize they can ONLY cook meat and therefore there's no flour, fruit, etc. at all so they're a little screwed. The pressure is on and Jamie slices her thumb, leaving to get stitches and making her teammates a little bitter. Jamie and Cutthroat Bitch Jen were paired together on their team so she just mans up and does it alone. The Brontosaurus team encounters kitchen troubles with the oven not cooking evenly and being a little chaotic. But that's pretty tame compared to slicing open a thumb. There's a lot of scrambling (breakfast pun!), bickering, and a plum cutting controversy. Oh and Jamie returns with two whole stitches. The nightmare!! The teams finally get to serving their food and the guest judge is Katie Lee Joel, aka the girl who lost her job to Padma. You wouldn't believe this, but the kids hate vegetables!

Team Brontosaurus is the winner which means Carla is safe- Hootie Hoo! The men's banana parfait was creative and tasty, even with tiny plums, so Richard/Marcel/Angelo win. Tiffani does admit her mistake in misunderstanding the challenge. Tifanny/Antonio's frittatas were not consistently cooked. The steak and eggs tasted well but was so basic. The salmon was too salty, which is attributed to Trey's sauce. Cutthroat Bitch Jen is livid to be on the losing team and believes it's a mistake. She disagrees with the judges critique about the flavoring and seasoning of her "bacon" pork belly hollandaise dish, like fighting about it. I think Tom is turned on. The Cutthroat Bitch is sent packing not because she yelled but because the food stunk and now you know, anyone can go home. She screams a little bit while leaving because she thinks she's off camera, which is delightful. Simma down, Jen: this is All-Stars, bitch!

Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Quitters GTFO

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • Survivor: Nicaragua •
New! Top Chef All-Stars

The Amazing Race - The teams Bangla-dash to Hong Kong via plane, then bus, then ferry to retrieve the next clue. Jill/Thomas, who probably had a 6 hour lead on the other teams, lose it once all the teams depart on the same 11:55PM flight. Brook/Claire confront Jill/Thomas about U Turning them, but they say take it as a compliment that we see you as a threat. Running to the ferry, Vikki’s asthma acts up and they miss the first ferry, giving Nick a reason to whine/be a dick more.

The teams are sent to a Majesty Chinese Restaurant where a Road Block forces one teammate to find fake wax food amongst a giant buffet, eating any real item they pick up in the process, while also being tortured by live karaoke. Fun fact: I’m obsessed with fake wax food; I’ve Googled how to make it myself and always wanted a fake milkshake in a fancy glass to display. Claire jumps at the chance to do karaoke, but gets screwed when she opts to do this task and is a picky eater. Better than a watermelon to the face. Claire’s overeating causes her to barf in the bathroom, so check that item off your bucket list. Vikki takes forever to complete the task, barfing and gagging up the warm sushi, and Nick even suggests taking the penalty just to move on, but Vikki doesn’t want to be a quitter and eventually completes the task.

After finding their wax food, the teams have to find a statue of Bruce Lee on the Avenue of Stars for their next clue. Detour: ride a ding ding tram to find 3 signs that reveal the pit stop location or ride a sampan (boat) with a bird cage and trade it for the clue. Hard! Well, for me cause birds of all sizes get me the willies. Nat/Kat have an early lead and choose the sampan, while Jill/Thomas opt for ding ding (and later switch to the sampan). Both tasks are extremely time consuming and hard to identify, especially late at night. Luck is on Jill and Thomas’ side when they quickly find their boat, with Nat/Kat dropping their parakeets off shortly after. After some cab struggling, it’s a race to the Pit Stop with Nat/Kat checking in 1st and winning a trip to Rio de Janeiro. As Brook/Claire complete the Detour, Nick/Vikki are out at sea scanning the boats. Nick keeps whining about quitting, sleeping, taking a penalty, and wanting to be home. So Vikki keeps looking while Nick sleeps on the sampan, but Nick’s refusal to help her leads Vikki to stop and take the 6 hour penalty. Phil lets them know it’s a non-elimination leg and I want to smash my computer that this asshole is still in the race.

The Biggest Loser - Moving this 2-hour bloatfest to 9pm for a week didn't help me. I put off watching this until the last possible night. This season is just not full of likable contestants and bores me. Onto the show!

This is the final week on campus and along with the standard yellow line, there's the dreaded red line too. Someone is going home automatically and I can name 3 people I hope meet their fate that way (cocky alliance Brendan, Frado, Patrick). Olympic gold medalist, gymnast Nasta Liukin, makes a visit to campus to discuss training, goals, and priorities. All of this hoopla is just to announce a challenge where the winner gets $10k, along with some Subway product placement shoved in your face. It's sort of an elimination-style relay, moving from leg-to-leg, with jump rope, street strider, and the infamous Jacob's Ladder (an infinite staircase). Brendon wins and while he's a strong competitor, I hate people who seem totally about game play. He does give $1k to breast cancer, which is nice, and then everyone eats Subway with Nastia Liukin. Not many people get to say they ate terrible subs with an Olympian.

The losers bond over what they'd spend the prize money on, which is surprisingly NOT 40 years worth of Subway subs. No, it's family sob-stories and they all cry. Dr. Huizenga gives updates too and Frado is almost non-diabetic. Bob and Jillian start to prepare the losers for the rest of their weight-loss journey at home, including tips and pep talks. Most at risk is Ada, who is still battling all those inner demons about her parents hating her. The losers compete in yet another challenge because god forbid you let the show last an hour: load up with the amount of weight they lost and do step-ups and a mile run, just like their original challenge to get on the show, dropping bits of weight as they go along. Winner gets a 1lb advantage and a home gym installed in their home as soon as they get back. Ada wins! Hooray for the only person I like!

At the weigh-in, it's uber-gameplayer Brendan who falls below the red line and is eliminated after a lot of speeches. Playa got played! Mark, who got a lot of screentime this week and cried about his dad a bunch, falls below the yellow line along with Elizabeth who honestly should buy a timeshare under that line. Since he finally got to talk a lot this episode, and because he's lost a shit-ton of weight compared to most of the others, Mark is eliminated by Patrick's vote again. When will anyone see that Patrick isn't in there for anyone but himself?

Survivor: Nicaragua - Purple Kelly speaks this episode which is a total mindfuck. Her and Sash, now Brenda-less, are probably next on the chopping block; so I guess the anti-Benry movement has passed? The camp starts flooding again, which is why it seems stupid the merged tribe didn't get to go to the better camp. NaOnka's anemic and ready to quit; she even gives Chase her immunity idol because her heart's not into the game. So you stay like 20-something days to possibly quit? LAME. Purple Kelly wants to quit too because, I really don't know- she's over it too? Quitters. Now with an idol, Chase proposes an alliance of himself, Holly, Jane and Sash (who doesn't trust them).

Reward challenge: get tethered together and untie a dummy named Gulliver and bring him through an obstacle course. I wish it was Mr. Highway from The Good Son. The winners get to see a sneak peak of the terrible looking Gulliver's Travels movie and eat movie snacks. I was just thinking recently how I miss Survivor's old obnoxious product placements; turns out, I didn't really miss it. The blue team (Holly, NaOnka, Chase, Benry, Dan) win reward. But the excitement is short lived because NaOnka quits immediately after the reward challenge. Jeff is shocked and asks if anyone else wants to quit, which I'm assuming he was saying in a "you look like an idiot way!" Except then Purple Kelly pipes up that she too wants to quit because it's physically and mentally exhausting. All I can say is, fuck Survivor quitters. LEAVE. Get off my screen. Unfortunately, Jeff wants them to take the night to think about it. Probst also makes an offer: if one person skips the reward, he'll give the tribe tarp and rice. Holly accepts the offer and makes a super long speech about sacrifice, which is complete bullshit on NaOnka's behalf since she's quitting and will eat later. Holly also just set herself up for the win: sacrifice, didn't quit early on, AND made power moves.

At camp, Holly tries to talk some sense into Purple Kelly, explaining now there is food and shelter and life gets much harder than this. Purple Kelly sums it up best, "I have nothing left to suck." (cue you yelling, "That's what she said!") They eat their rice while the others eat candy, popcorn and fake laugh at the movie.

Tribal Council: mucho discussion about quitting the game. It's my body this, bad weather that- blah, blah, quit already! NaOnka doesn't think she's selfish, she's still NaOnka, still strong. Jane then compares quitting Survivor to the unemployment in the country... yeah. I just don't care at this point because I just want these quitters to leave. Jeff poses the final quitting question: NaOnka quits, Purple Kelly quits. Since NaOnka and Purple Kelly didn't quit, Jeff doesn't want to snuff their torches but he still does and leaves it at tribal as a reminder. BFD. Peace out you quittin' hoes. They say haters gon' hate- YOU BET I AM.

New! Top Chef All-Stars - In terms of All-Star casts, this is probably the best yet. Not a single person I hate, just some I love more than others. Instead of the old white coats, everyone gets super chic black coats because that's what badasses wear, and long gone is Gladware; say hello to new sponsor, Buitoni! The chefs are reunited and remember fonder times and then head to the kitchen to meet Padma and Tom. This season there will be a shitload of cash prizes, with the winner getting $200k in the end. GAME ON!

Quickfire: each season will team up together and create a dish that represents the city the season was held in. It's kitchen chaos with people getting bumped, running, and flames. Each team sort of picks a focus: San Francisco: does sourdough, LA: shrimp tacos, Miami: pork, Chicago: sausage hot dog, New York: apple, Las Vegas: lobster, and DC: crab cakes. Bottom: the shrimp tacos, the sourdough had too much garlic, and the Big Apple 3 dishes didn't tie together, and DC too salty. Miami's pork dish had good habaneros, Chicago was innovative with their mustard concoction, and Vegas had well-made pasta. The winning dish is Chicago (Dale, Richard, Spike, Antonia). The 4 of them win immunity.

Elimination challenge: turn the dish that sent you home into a success. AWESOME challenge idea. Common theme: scallops. TOP SCALLOP!!! Would be most in trouble: Dale, who has to fix his butterscotch scallops, but he has immunity so makes CORN BREAD. Be still my heart. Everyone seems to have some good ideas which makes me think this haunts them and they always though of ways to fix the dish. They get a day to prep and then serve the judges at the famous Russian Tea Room; winner wins $10k. Joining Tom and Padma is Gail, my main gurl, and new judge/badass Anthony Bourdain. Also judging, the cheftestants themselves. Split into 2 groups, while one preps, the other gets to dine, and the chefs also get to hear what the critiques are. Turns out they didn't know they were being viewed by the other cheftestants since some harsh stuff was said, especially regarding Fabio's pasta (Bourdain called it "swampy"). The fun doesn't stop there as Bourdain tears many dishes to shreds. Quite simply, he rules.

Judges Panel. Spike, Jamie, Richard and Angelo are called in first (top 4) and Richard is DQ'd for plating past the time limit. Jamie improves her terrible celery, Angelo was able to work out the watermelon tea and re-invent the dish, and Spike makes the frozen scallops work. Angelo wins the first Quickfire, so we'll see if the ego returns or if being around All Stars humbles him. Bottom: Fabio, Stephen, Elia. Stephen had to make 3 dishes (since he got eliminated during Restaurant Wars) but has poor proportions. Elia left is all the same as before but added fennel, but unfortunately her meat was raw. Fabio, not wearing his chef coat, is still happy with the dish, but it was overdressed and overdone. Bourdain said it was "horrifying looking" and Fabio fights back that while constructive criticism is good, some of his stuff is crossing a line. Elia is eliminated and since mid-episode there was a random Elia's original season moment I'll say that was probably an early spoiler.

Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Winning is the Icing on the Cake

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • Survivor: Nicaragua •
Finale! Top Chef: Just Desserts

The Amazing Race - The teams have to book flights to Muscat, Oman and all the teams end up at the same travel agency to book their flight, but Chad and Stephanie are mysteriously MIA. That's because they overslept! Suckerrrrs! The Doctors and Brook/Claire get an 8:55PM arrival, while other teams are stuck on a later flight arriving 2 hours later. At 4:30AM, 2 hours past their departure time, Chad and Stephanie leave their hotel as complete morons. Chad and Stephanie luck out and get a flight that arrives only 10 minutes after the 2nd flight. Boooo! No fun!

Upon arrival in Muscat, the teams retrieve some shiny silver stones with departure times for the next morning, so it's the who-gives-a-shit-if-you-got-a-good-flight blues. Chad and Stephanie, you know the couple who scream at each other all the time, get ENGAGED while waiting for their 7:45AM departure. Their relationship status gets updated on the screen, the teams swoon, and yeah good times. Back to the good stuff: the racers retrieve their clue to drive to Jebel Shams, the tallest mountain in Oman, and a driver will take them to the top. Gary and Mallory are the only team who don't seek help from locals, and their map gets them super lost. For the teams that actually get to Jebel Shams, there is a Road Block to repel down the mountain and search genie lamps for Aladdin's magic ring.

The teams make their way to a monument that's a big stack of books (neeeeerds!) and get their Detour. Teams can either pump water from a well into a truck and deliver it or make a traditional wedding soup. Everyone picks water- duh. The early leaders are Chad/Stephanie and Jill/Thomas, aka a-hole couples. While it seems like Pit Stop time, the couples now have to get some frankincense at the market and deliver it to Ali Baba to get another clue (finally for the Pit Stop). Jill/Thomas check in 1st but receive a 30 minute penalty for paying a cabbie to lead them to the Pit Stop (which the clue told them not to do). Chad and Stephanie instead get team #1 honors and win a trip to Belize- hellooo, honeymoon. Turns out the Doctors and Gary/Mallory are way behind the pack, so it looks like one of the 2 teams I actually like could be going home. Gary and Mallory, the spunky father/daughter team that I am 6 degrees of separation away from, are eliminated from the race. It's a bummer since I don't like 3 of the remaining 5 teams.

The Biggest Loser - The game switches back to individuals, probably so the women stand a chance. Bob is upset Jesse and Aaron get eliminated, as he was really personally invested in them. After some pep talks and work-outs, Bob and Jillian deliver some wonderful news to 7 people: videos from home! I say 7 because contestant #8, Ada, does not have her video. Apparently her family blames her for the death of 2 of her brothers; so yeah, downer. The losers want her to feel the love, so they make a video for her as her new family- awww. I barely watch the videos but essentially their fat loved ones are trying to the drop the weight at home too.

Because Ada is haunted enough by her family by not getting a video, the challenge takes place at a pool, so great week. They have to balance at different time increments, with a challenge another person aspect, and the winner gets a 1lb advantage at the weigh-in. Red shirt Mark wins the challenge which honestly lasts forever; so glad I DVR this show. Also, Lisa wins a $500 gift card for making a low-calorie sub. Weigh-in brings the announcement that next week is makeover week (I imagine my mom "wooo-ing!" from the couch). As the men inch closer to 100lb losses, the women struggle. Elizabeth and Jessica fall below the yellow line. Who is going home without a fancy new wardrobe and haircut? Jessica.

Survivor: Nicaragua - In blatant foreshadowing, Fabio talks about the need to keep the fire going all the time so they barricade the fire with wooden chests full of food, etc. Since the preview set-up Brenda and Sash running this game one of them is probably going home. The castaways begin to realize Brenda is running everything and a power play might need to be put in motion and it's Holly leading the rebellion. Even NaOnka, Brenda's pal, wants her out cause she didn't come out here to go home with nothing; Chase still thinks Benry should go first. Chase is Brenda's bitch.

The reward challenge is to cross planks with some barrels and rope without touching the ground (like the game you play at home @phil_robinson said on Twitter). The winning team (Chase, Jane, NaOnka, Fabio, Purple Kelly) gets to go slide down a volcano where there's also a feast of pizza, brownies, and soda. While that team is having the time of their lives, the Libertad camp is up in flames from the fire. It's like the Saved by the Bell: The New Class where Ryan left the Christmas tree lights on in The Max all night and burns The Max down. This should be more interesting but it's just like, "Good work dummies. Now you have no food."

So first thing Chase does is blab to Brenda about the plan to get her out. Ugh Chase- such a lil' bitch. Chase is trying so hard to get NaOnka back on their side, trying to get Benry out. Nay finally wakes up and decides to swap sides and align with the side that wants to take out power players, and they all get in some good Chase bashing because he's Brenda's lapdog. Jane wins immunity in a leaning/balance challenge, narrowly beating out Chase. Back at camp, Chase still doesn't trust Benry is hellbent on trying to get him out. NaOnka informs Sash of the plan to get Brenda out, leaving him a little puzzled what move to make and if perhaps he should give her the immunity idol. Chase also informs Brenda that Nay is the one who jumped ship, which pisses her off and makes her voting plan to blindside NaOnka.

At Tribal Council, Brenda calls out NaOnka jumping ship and Nay denies it, blames Chase. Purple Kelly finally speaks and she's as out of the loop in the game as we are of who she actually is. Brenda wants to stay in the game but refuses to scramble, because she sees it as a sign of weakness. Jeff brings out the urn of votes and when he asks the infamous immunity idol question, Sash does not give it to Brenda. It. is. AWESOME. Brenda is voted out of the game and I really thought people didn't see her running everything before but alas, I was wrong. I thought Brenda had the game in the bag but man, power plays rule!

Finale! Top Chef: Just Desserts - The chefs must create a progressive four course dessert tasting for their final challenge. At a special night occasion they find Johnny and his 50's soda jerk hair waiting for them with a cocktail in head and wisdom to share. Johnny brings out some desserts and he brings out the chefs who made them... and they're no ex-contestants! Now that's a twist! Their sous chefs for the final challenge are 3 top pastry chefs.

The feeling in the kitchen is "anyone but Morgan" who's always a tool and cranked up the AC while Yigit, sick with a cold, slept. His sous chefs? Also admits she hates him- to other judges! Listen, the dude's talented by a major tool. The tool is making this cake, which I can't spell, that resembles a tree. Danielle is making one dish an ice cream sampler and Yigit doesn't want to budge on what he's making. One day 2 of prep, the famous sous chefs are out and ex-contestant sous chefs are in. Offffff course. Morgan pulls Heather H and really believes she'd F him over. I honestly forget who these other sous chefs are they got picked; the unpicked get to dine at the tasting, so waaaay better. The tasting happens- makes me hungry.

Final judges' table time! Danielle's ice cream sampler is universally loved and her chocolate pudding cake is ugly but delicious. Yigit's sorbet and ice cream dish blow the mind. They liked his date metaphor and that it was cute but tasted so sophisticated. His made a pineapple coconut cake that I'm dying to try and even braised the pineapple 5 hours. Morgan's souffles crashed, though it was a good taste and contrast. His bahmkuken was well-done and eventhough he did a macaroon again, he nailed it. And the winner of the first ever Top Chef: Just Desserts is... YIGIT. Team Go Diva FTW.



Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Disco Dust is Dead

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • Survivor: Nicaragua •
Top Chef: Just Desserts

The Amazing Race -The teams remain in Russia for this leg and get their first clue instructing them to "join the circus." Task #1 is a Detour: learn a Russian folk song on the accordion or spin 10 plates on poles. The immediate first impression is to pick the plates, which I assume as well, but everyone sucks and begins to swap Detours again (except the Doctors and Gary/Mallory who picked accordions first). Brook/Claire are the ace of plates, probably because they sell a lot of plates on TV, and leave the Detour first, followed shortly after by the Doctors. They receive their next clue directing them to Bank Bridge, where they'll find their next clue between some statues that remind me of those laser-eyes statues from The Neverending Story.

At the bridge they receive a clue to go to some random building but the rules strictly forbids paying a taxi to lead them there; they can only receive help from locals. I'm sure this narration will have no impact whatsoever on the race Amazing Race wrong gong noise> They have to climb the tower and find some teeny statue sending them to a church. Exposition OVERLOAD. The Doctors and Nick/Vicki find their way first, teaming up to get ahead since the Doctors are awesome at everything. Bad news for the Kevin/Michael: they didn't read the directions and took a cab. D'oh. Nick and Kat (or Nat?) figure out the clue, then mislead the other teams. They walk to the church and find yet another clue, sending them Peter and Paul Fortress for another clue. This is a shitty recapping episode- am I right? Kevin/Michael are mad they were lied to, but I think they'll be madder when they realize they kept taking cabs and didn't read a clue right. Brook/Claire were smart enough to re-read the clue and go back and complete their walking portion. Final clue of the night is a Road Block: play a Russian version of bowling called "gorodki." They'll have to complete 3 formations, none of which involve knocking Phil Keoghan off the pins like the promo made it appear. Boo! We want contestant-on-host violence!

Nat and Kat are awesome at gorodki and check into the Pit Stop first: they win $5,000 each. More and more teams arrive as Michael/Kevin lag behind since the dad, the weakest man on the race, has to do this physical challenge. Jill/Thomas and Michael/Kevin having grabby cabbies that want their money. Meanwhile, Stephanie finally knocks down the pins and Chad recommends they ditch the bags if they want to stand a chance at a footrace against Kevin/Michael. Chad/Stephanie get there first but learn they must pay the cab driver before checking in, so they go back. Kevin/Michael arrive to check-in but find out from Phil they received two 30 minute penalties for not following the rules; yup a whole hour. Chad/Stephanie run back, pay the cab, and walk back to the check-in but they also didn't follow the rules. Since their 30 minute penalty would lapse before Kevin/Michael's 1 hour, they are team #6 and Kevin/Michael are eliminated. Ahhh reading is power.

The Biggest Loser - The losers return to the ranch to find Ali in the kitchen and she ain't hockin' Jennie-O turkey. After what, 3 weeks with teams, everyone will return to original colors however they are now competing as pairs. And a whole pair will go home this week. How will they pair up? After a hard work-out with Bob and Jillian, they set down to dinner with Alison at a fancy table and she announces dinner is a Temptation challenge: after a 3 course meal (which they get to select off a menu), whoever eats the most calories at dinner wins. Only Elizabeth, Aaron and Brendon are into this party, gorging themselves on calorie-rific food. Brendon makes a deal to let Aaron partner with Jesse to make him drop off. Lisa, who ate healthy all meal, indulges on dessert and is floored when she finds out she ate a 1,400 calorie dessert; she says she'd never do this at home, but Frado wisely points out, "But you're on The Biggest Loser." Duuuur. Brendon ate a total of 3,500 calories and wins the Temptation. Everyone is pretty satisfied with their partnerships, except Ada who wanted to be paired with a strong guy and didn't like Aaron getting paired with who he wanted. Waaaaaaah.

Bob and Jillian don't care for the pairings, both as a concept overall and who is paired with who, and predicts 2 women will leave this week. Later there is a challenge to stack sugar cubes one at a time into a 5ft tower. Ada and Jessica at least display that the girls aren't completely useless in the game by winning the challenge. Then they address women and desserts with the new Extra Dessert gum and, for realsies, it's DELICIOUS. Mel Got Served APPROVED. Bob then gives Lisa a reminder and how much she needs to be on the ranch and not chowin' down on desserts that aren't product placement gum.

At the weigh-in, Bob and Jillian flip out upon learning Lisa cooked Elizabeth's food all week. Aaron and Jesse proceed to lose only 20lbs together; but Aaron had a huge number last week, so the 4 makes sense. Lisa and Elizabeth both come up at 8lbs, but Elizabeth feels like crap since B&J berated her. They get into a passive aggressive argument with Lisa and Elizabeth and them not wanting to really be there, and Lisa says she's still in the game because she's "a placeholder" for Frado and Brendon to beat in the end; crying ensues. I like this term and will apply it to many shows- like Survivor: Nicaragua having like 6 placeholders still around. Brendon and Patrick demolish everyone, with Patrick losing 19lbs and Brendon 18. Ada and Jessica overcome the lady odds and stay above the Yellow line. So up for elimination are Aaron/Jesse and Lisa/Elizabeth. The votes are cast and the placeholders stay put, sending Aaron/Jesse home and crushing Aaron, who considers being votes off by Patrick a complete betrayal of friendship. Good news is in the live at-home reveal they're both skinny.

Survivor: Nicaragua - The tribe isn't buying Marty's speech; Jane is now calling him Farty, so yeah, she's hysterical. Marty knows he's on the chopping block, so approaches some of his possible allies for a plan to pretend to vote for NaOnka but actually vote off Jane. Jane wants to whoop his ass in a wood shed.

The Reward Challenge is an obstacle course, all to collect 3 keys to open locks; yes there is a wall of hay! In fact there's a hay wall, stick barricade, and a brick wall; wonder where they got that from- hmmmm. The teams were randomly drawn, but fate said, let's make it men vs. women so the women can not be able to break the stuff. The winning team, the men (sans Chase, who sat out but picked to side with the ladies), get a canopy tour, zipline ride, and of course food in the form of a BBQ. Purple Kelly, who I don't think has spoken all season, begins crying because she's so hungry and lost. Jeff gives a proposition that the men could give up their spot for a woman to eat and they decline. Hello, it's a BBQ and zipline. Of course, Marty thinks this is a great time to talk game with the guys and it's like, you idiot, why would you tell Sash? They also discuss the Brenda/Chase bond- sounds like my initial pick to win could be in hot water.

Even Brenda knows Chase is kind of dumb: a puppy who follows around his lady pals. The women want Marty out, but Holly has some trepidation about Brenda and Sash's bond but Chase half trusts her, half doesn't. He tries to talk to her, ignoring Nay's advice to not ignore her; someone's becoming a liability. The Immunity Challenge is a memory challenge of turning blocks to display a pattern of symbols. Brenda beats out Marty for the necklace, which bums me out as I'd love to see Jane still try to cast a vote for an immune Marty. The guys are still planning to get NaOnka to flush out her idol and let Chase know their plans. Everyone is still hinging on the vote of Brenda, because these morons still can't realize how amazing of a player she is; she runs this shit, not Sash! Brenda and Sash convene and agree that it's a good idea to flush the idol and maybe to keep Marty around to have a thorn in the side to the women and Chase; they don't like the new Chase/Holly/Jane bond. Running the game, they are running the game and I love it!

At Tribal, Jane's likability is the main topic of discussion because you don't bring the funny old lady to the end if you want to win. Jeff brings up Nay's food stealing and gets a little terse with him, admits she's human and she screws up, and doesn't like Marty at all. There's a lot of giggling from the Nay/Marty bickering- it sounds like a 4th grade classroom. Fabio expresses his irritation with Nay and the feeling is mutual. Jeff is speechless that NaOnka can talk so much shit and still be in the game; we all are Jeffrey, we all are. NaOnka does not play her immunity idol, so that point of the plan is moot. The votes are cast and Marty joins Alina to sit in the jury member bench. Looks like pleasing NaOnka is the route picked by Sash and Brenda.

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Quickfire: The guest judge is Francois Payard, who used to be Moaning Morgan's boss. The remaining chefs need to tell their life story through a box of chocolates. Get it? Like that movie Forrest Gump from 16 years ago. They have to make 4 chocolates and one of the winning recipes will be distributed at Godiva stores. Morgan continues his streak of being a total dick by yelling about piping bags, then making a chocolate that represents this experience crushing his soul. Yigit didn't finish his 4th chocolate, so he doesn't get the full judging experience. Morgan wins- YAAAAAWN. For once I thought Danielle was the best- her chocolates sounded tasty and had better stories. His soul-crushing Top Chef truffle will be distributed at Godiva stores, so if you want to taste hell on reality TV, head to your local Godiva store!

Elimination challenge: make a 61st anniversary for some old dude and his wife. Winner gets $15k too. Each chef gets some time to talk to the lovely couple, Ben and... Sylvia Weinstock, the cake lady who looks like the Old Navy lady with that dog Magic. TWIST ALERT! Definitely didn't see that coming. Morgan, to make a point that he's an asshole again keeps the piping bags from earlier for himself. The party stops and Morgan's cake is plain white buttercream, clean piping, and topped with a little piano with pink flowers. The piano is cool but the rest is a snore. Danielle makes a gray cake in honor of Cynthia's wedding dress and added piano keys and roses as decor. Zac's cake: kind of a wreck. The meeting at the beach theme is out of control; white chocolate sea foam, looks slanted, so gaudy. Yigit's cake is pretty: yellow buttercream, pink flowers, and some odes to the piano. Bad new is he can barely cut the cake- d'oh.

Judges' Table. The judges liked Danielle's piano key steps and her chocolate cake was really moist. The gray color was considered unappetizing. Yigit's cake was over-complicated, but his flavored buttercream was delicious and appreciated. His pink chocolate flowers on the top were also well done. Morgan's simplicity was admired, but the panne cotta inside was meh and the chocolate was dry. Zac's cake itself was nice and moist, but the design was a bit childish and didn't represent them being old together. Zac brings up Morgan playing it safe with his boring cake and has no excitement when he wins things. The big question is who is heading to the final 3 and whose cake get sliced? Puns by Mel! Danielle wins the challenge and I'm happy for her- it was stylish and sounded like a flavor I'd like to eat. Zac's cake wreck is cut and it's Yigit and Moanin' Morgan advancing to next week.

Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, BuddyTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: Goodbye Dirt Squirrel

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • Survivor: Nicaragua •
Top Chef: Just Desserts

The Amazing Race - In order to get to the airport to get to St. Petersburg, Russia, all the teams end up on the same train which allows some bonding time, sleeping, and smelly socks. They all end up on the same flight too, making a-hole Chad feel like a chump since he flipped out for nothing. Every flies to Russia to retrieve the next clue: a Detour teasing Classical Music or Classical Cinema. They can either listen to gramophones and identify those songs on pianos being played in another room or search through film clips to find a scene playing on the screen. Jill and Thomas take an early lead, finding the film quick quickly (because of Thomas' immense college education). Brooke/Claire and Kevin/Michael also do the film task and move on a lot sooner than the music teams. The music challenge is so loud, they all sound the same, and it's confusing, which makes most teams ditch it and head to the film strips (except Chad and Stephanie). Nick and Vicki suck at both tasks and go back to the music again; they eventually complete it.

After the Detour, teams retrieve their next clue which has them take a taxi to some neighborhood store in Alex-something-straya. One lucky teammate gets to participate in the Road Block of planting 50 potatoes rocking babushkas and fertilizing the ground with manure. Jill and Thomas are the first team to check in at St. Isaac's Cathedral, the Pit Stop. I wonder if he'll credit his college education to this victory. They win a trip to Sao Paolo, Brazil. Kevin doesn't listen to his dad about the Pit Stop being in the park, allowing Brooke and Claire to sneak in as team #2; Kevin/Michael come in 3rd. Nick chooses to do the Roadblock "drag race", not understanding the Roadblock clues are usually puns not literal, and ends up in ladies clothing and not in a race car. It's at least humorous to watch, and the locals love it to; they are the last team to check but aren't eliminated meaning their odd level of stupidity lives to race another day.

The Biggest Loser - This was the best episode of the show ever- know why? Because it was only an hour! Thank you elections! The true battle begins as this week is "all out war" when they get physically worn down by 2 Marine drill sergeants. Jillian looks like a saint now, huh? Immediately they put them in some gear, load 'em in a truck, and drive them off to Camp Pendleton for some serious training. Frado is psyched because when he wasn't a fatty he was a Marine; Aaron also can't wait to see what it's like to be in his military brother's shoes.

With their packs in tow, the losers board some big-ass helicopters and take to the sky to fly to their next location and "mission": the barracks. Dibs on top bunk! But the hike to get there is a bitch and the packs are heavy. Eventually they get there: they eat, sleep, exercise. Same shit as the ranch but outside and without getting Jenni-O turkey hocked to them. At least they get to complete in a nasty 3 mile obstacle course challenge, with the winning team getting phone calls from home. It's muddy, exhausting and loud; Blue team wins the phone calls.

The losers meet up with Bob and Jillian at the Camp Pendleton gym for a last chance work-out. Brendon reveals his new coif, or lack-thereof, since he shaved his head bald and got rid of his beard. As soon as the trainers come to campus, in comes a product placement for Fiber One. Eh, something new I suppose. The blue team has a terrible week, citing the lack of diet control - except Aaron who really helps his Blue team by dropping 14lbs. The Black team begins to catch up to Blue until Anna loses 2lbs, weak Elizabeth gains 1, and then Frado freaks out, apologizes for what he assumes will be a 6lb gain before weighing in, and then actually gaining 4lbs. The Black team has to eliminate a player again and eventhough Frado gained 4lbs, they eliminate Anna.

Survivor: Nicaragua - And then god said, "Let there be a merge!" La Flor moves into Espada's camp, which sucks because like 12 days ago they couldn't even catch fish from nasty water. Alina, a moron, proposes staying Espada strong and blindsiding Marty; no one is into it. The newly merged tribe, now named Libertad (which Marty names and explains means liberty or freedom, but I almost typed as LiberTARD), gets new red buffs because god forbid they think of a new color. NaOnka loves the feast so much she hoards nuts and farts on camera, then re-bonds with Brenda, both divulging everything. Chase, meanwhile, bonds with bumpkin Jane about being from North Carolina (raise up!) and all that southern stuff- fast friends!

NaOnka makes tortillas for the tribe but is livid she gets the crappiest portion, so she steals the flour and hides it in anger; Holly sees this happening though and is confused. Hurricane NaOnka continues her wrath by stealing food and cooking supplies and tosses them into the jungle too. As the tribe comes to the realization things are missing, Holly has the balls to confront Nay, who denies it all. Nay and Fabio get into a tiff, but she storms off. Alina feels guilty since she indulged in some stolen fruit during a bonding session, so she encourages Nay to come clean. NaOnka fesses up but massages the story to say was simply hiding it to ration it. She does but makes sure she beings Alina into the fold too. NaOnka's alliance decides to remain loyal to her, but Alina is left out in the cold. Marty's focus remains on Jane, but he approaches Brenda about this and you just want to yell, "Marty, you're an idiot!"

Immunity is given out to a man and a woman this week in an endurance challenge to use some contraption to hold a bar. Marty's dream to write Jane's name down on parchment will have to wait, as she wins immunity and still stays in the game to try and beat the remaining fellas. After Marty and Chase drop, Fabio wins immunity. Strategizing happens and the target is aimed at either Marty or Alina and since Jane is so hellbent on Marty, it's tough. Sash, who made a deal to return the idol to Marty this week if he was in danger, begs his alliance to not make him go back on his word. Brenda's there on the side and Alina's thrown into the mix, but Jane still refuses to write down any name but Marty. Lazy Dan lets Marty know that Chase mentioned Marty could be out tonight, so Marty goes right to Sash and Brenda to get the 411, then gets hostile with Holly. Alina, Jane, and I guess Holly try to sway the vote to get Marty out, and Fabio is their swing vote (and he wants NaOnka out). Alina says it's fine to vote NaOnka cause then Marty would have 6 votes, her 5, and Nay 1; he says that her scrambling and strategic gameplay is why they want her out.

Marty brings up his and Jane's beef at Tribal Council and again it's like, STFU idiot. Marty's the only person who seems to know she'd sweep the game at the end, going as far as saying if she made final 3 he'd even vote for her. Lazy Dan throws his hand up to defend his pal by throwing NaOnka and Alina into the ring for stealing from the tribe; NaOnka takes the blame, but Fabio points out she only returned it cause she got got. Alina defends her position, citing her swing vote status, even if she knew about some stolen goods; Benry calls her a "dirt squirrel" when he casts his vote which is officially my new favorite word. Dirt Squirrel gets pounded into the dirt, with her and Jane the only votes cast for Marty. The tribe has spoken and they said, STFU Alina and go eat an orange at Ponderosa.

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Quickfire: with guest judge Shinmin Li, renouned cake decorator that I've never seen on a Food Network Challenge, the baketestants must make an edible bouquet. Winner gets $5k. Yigit goes balls-to-the-wall and tries to pull sugar to make his own vase, but that MF'er Morgan bumps and breaks one. His other vase breaks while putting everything together so he throws together something last minute. Losers: Zac (sloppy chocolate work), Eric (who basically piped onto a cupcake), and Danielle (wasn't a 360 view). Favorites: Morgan (eventhough it looked like an urn for a funeral) and Yigit (sugarwork not there, but what he did make looked good). Morgan is named the winner- blaaah.

Challenge: create a dessert based on a famous contemporary celebrity duo of their choice for a tea party. Zac does Julie Andrew and her husband Blake Edwards; don't get me wrong, love me some Julie, but contemporary my ass. Morgan picks Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian, which works since desserts give you a fatass- hey-o! Yigit does Madonna and Guy Richie- did he forget they're divorced? Eric does Oprah and Stedman- WIN! Danielle wins for creativity and chooses Conan and Andy Richter. But as they get ready for prep, Johnny comes in to alert them no chocolate is allowed this week. Only Eric seems to panic about this, causing him to make some busted teeny desserts. Yigit just get stressed about the chocolate too and comes out flustered, plates not finished, and covered in his turdish colored dulce de leche. But hey, Zac's Captain Von Trapp dessert contains Cap'n Crunch which is awesome.

Judges table: Morgan's sponge cake was delicious and well-adapted, but his macaroon stunk. Zac's desserts were refined and elegant, but also fun with his play on words and spot-on accuracy of his couple. Danielle's Conan cake was so red that you knew it was for him- her concept was delivered well and she makes the top 3. The winner is... Zac! I want the recipes cause they looked tasty. Yigit and Eric are the bottom 2, and their downer attitudes showed at the presentation. Eric's desserts were dull; 2 shortbread cookies? Snooze alert! Did his grandma send him the inspiration? Eric knows he messed up though. Yigit is still pretty down on himself, the chocolate threw him off. The dessert was jiggly, which they said is the opposite of toned Madonna (you say fit, I say leathery). Yigit gets the ultimate diss that his dessert tastes like the frozen stuff used on cruise ships. Ouch! Yigit at least embraced the challenge more with his Madonna/Guy Richie stuff, so he sticks around and Eric the baker gets the boot.


Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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Reality Rundown: The Project Runway Finale That Everyone Hated

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • Survivor: Nicaragua •
Top Chef: Just Desserts • Finale! Project Runway

The Amazing Race - The teams border hop from Sweden to Norway, and if it's anything like the ride at Epcot I expect trolls, fake drops, and a really weird fishing video at the end. In Norway they ride gondolas, and Nat of the doctors gets teary because she's afraid of heights. It's like you're jumping out of them to ski like the amazing movie Aspen Extreme. Since Nat and Kat arrive first, they are the team that is able to get to the Fast Forward first, which is to eat an entire roasted sheep's head. G-R-O-S-S. Oh and Kat? A vegetarian who hasn't eaten meat in 22 years. But since they aren't aware of what exactly it is, they attempt to shove it down, reminding themselves of tastier crunchy treats than the sheep's head. They are able to complete the task and get to skip all tasks and head directly to the Pit Stop. They remain team #1 and this week win a trip to Costa Rica.

The others team head straight to the next clue at a bridge, except Nick and Vikki who are dumb enough to be in like 5th place and think they stood a shot. They also don't understand that the "Fast Forward Taken" sign means someone claimed it. DUMB. That's dumber than a vegetarian eating a sheep's head. At the Sky-something bridge, the teams encounter a Roadblock: rapell off a bridge to the water below to collect the next clue, then ascend back to the top. Now that is tiring for me to watch- I mean, for them to complete. It's even more tiring to listen to home shopping Claire fake-cry and moan the whole way up. The teams then drive to an abandoned field in Harvika for their Detour: ride bikes to find and memorize a combination to their bike lock or direct a boat captain a location and deliver fish and a chainsaw.

Thomas and his lack-of-college-education girlfriend Jill are almost team #2 but can't read maps, which allow father/daughter Gary and Mallory to check in 2nd. What Thomas, did you not learn map-reading in your fancy college? The volleyball girls are so far behind that they think seeing a lost Jill/Thomas means they're still in the race. They aren't at all and as everyone is practically done with the Detour, they're just arriving there. Jill/Thomas come in 3rd, Michael/Kevin 4th, and Brooke/Claire 5th with Claire slamming her eye on the truck, giving her a gash. This race is full of goddamn idiots. Nick and Vicki are 6th and dead-serious think they could be 2nd? YOU ARE F'ING STUPID. Some editing makes it seem like a super-close race, which it obviously isn't, and Chad/Stephanie and safe and the volleyball girls are eliminated from the race. And so it is with sad news to me that my pick to win The Amazing Race 17 has been eliminated. I still stand by the fact that 2 women could win the race, but I am pretty sure that fate lies in the hands of Nat and Kate. Hey, at least I made it past my week 3 curse.

The Biggest Loser - Twist alert: right after elimination, Alison brings the Blue Team into the elimination room too and announces that this week only one person's weight will count for each team. The opposite team gets to decide who that player is and the other catch is they won't know who was selected until the weigh-in. While some people work hard, others are babies (Frado, who is loud and obnoxious when he works out and falls off the treadmill). Jill thinks he would never pull this crap with Bob, so pulls him aside for training and one of her usual emotional talks.

Chefs Curtis Stone and Lorena Garcia are brought on to teach the losers how to cook and considering the reviews I read of last week's 100 calorie cupcake, may god have mercy on their chubby souls. This is a challenge and both teams will cook for each other and select the best dish, team with the most good dishes wins a mysterious "10 seconds." The Blue team wins based on a calorie counting tie-breaker and gets there "10 seconds" which is later revealed to be a 10 second head start in a challenge to paddle dragon boats. The Blue Team wins again and also wins the chance to block the other teams's 1st pick for the weigh-in. Elizabeth tries to play the "at least we're in sync!" card, but Jillian tells her she's weak, doesn't try hard enough, and will get picked to weigh in. They train together, do a little sobbing- again, I fast forwarded because I reeeeeally wanted to get to The Good Wife. Are you watching that show? So good. Way better than this show.

For weigh-ins that count, the Blue Team picks Elizabeth and the Black Team picks Jessica; Blue chooses to not block the pick and has faith in Jessica carrying the weight for the team. Elizabeth and Jessica? It's a Sweet Valley High match-up! Everyone else weighs and who cares because it doesn't matter. Elizabeth loses 5lbs, while Jessica loses 4lbs and the Blue Team loses the weigh-in. Yeah, should've used the block since everyone else on Blue had a great week. The Blue teams gets an hour to write a name on the note card under the silver platter and the game players come out: it's a tie between Adam, who still is holding that accruing weight advantage, and Jessica. It's another tie, so the Black Team gets to make the final elimination decision. Shit's about to get ca-raaaazy and by ca-raaaazy I mean sobfest. The Black Team, always playing the game, sends home the biggest threat : Adam.

Survivor: Nicaragua - Espada pow-wows after Tribal and decides Danny has no pull at a merge so their next target is Alina. Espada then wins a reward in some challenge about shooting balls into a goal; they get a "Nicaraguan farm" experience with a big breakfast and horseback ride. My dog started barking at the horses, so I had to fastforward; I bet they were majestic. They eat their feast as a tribe and then cry about it; yeah, I don't know either. Perhaps fueled by fresh milk, watermelon, and other breakfast food, Espada goes on to win immunity in a challenge that requires using some contraption to shoot balls and smash plates.

At La Flor, Marty pats himself on the back for having the balls to not play the idol and still last, but also upset Jane turned on him. Um, you kind of turned on her too even if you're going with the majority. They chat and Marty pleads his case that he didn't target Jane, but is confident she voted for him; she laughs. Jane wants to stay in the good graces of her tribe which involves her doing lots of labor around camp while everyone else naps and takes advantage. When Jane catches a fish she says screw these kids and cooks it alone in the woods, like Gollum.

After losing immunity, the young'ns decide to try to flush out the idol (again) but vote out Jill. Sash comes up with this insane plan to give Marty a head's up and get Marty to either play the idol or give Sash the idol, convince Marty he's safe, and then boot him. Marty is torn and desperate: he gives Sash the idol. Oh brother, plus Sash thinks he's some Russell-clone now citing being handed idols. STFU- your name is a woman's accessory. There's no hiding the division in the tribe, Marty admits he gave Sash the idol, and Sash Freudian slips that he might lose trust in his alliance, rather than his alliance losing trust in him. It would be so awesome to really blindside Sash, but unfortunately they don't: Jill is voted off La Flor.

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Quickfire: the mise en place relay race, pastry edition. Heather, Yigit and Zac, aka Team Go Diva, are on the red team, while Morgan, Danielle, and Eric are the black team. They'll have to mold PERFECT tart crusts, pipe buttercream roses, separate and whip egg whites, and finally stretch strudel dough the length of the table and make it into a strudel. The lead goes back and forth with Team Diva winning in the end and they each receive $3k.

Elimination Challenge: a "sweet spin" on the infamous Restaurant Wars. It's Dessert Wars and in their teams they will create the "ultimate dessert shop experience." They must each make 3 items each and include 1 bread item. The winning team wins $30k and I'm shocked Gail doesn't mention Dawn hand soap. Team Go Diva goes for an adult candy shop, which the Black team goes comfort treats. Morgan gets a little pissy about lemons, forming all the soft pretzels, and doing pie crusts. Waaah. Once the war truly begins, everything is up for judging. Team Go Diva is praised for their decorations and Yigit's charm, but frown upon their mostly empty display case and their thick dough. Heather gets her pissy on while running the kitchen, telling Zac to shut up so he gives the 'tude right back. Over on the Black team, aka Whisk Me Away, their display case is full and has cars stuffed with cookies, but Danielle's a front-of-the-house downer.

Judges' Table time! Eric made a banana sour cream loaf that didn't rise properly. Morgan's mousse stuffed with creme brulee receives high marks. Danielle's coffee dessert didn't even taste like coffee. Team Go Diva, aka Pastry Land (lame), gets chastised for their bare display case but take it as a team. Zac's jelly filled donuts had the perfect consistency, but his milkshake wasn't great. He also nailed the savory brioche. Heather's frozen key lime bar showed finger prints, which they didn't love, and the lime taste was weak. Yigit's dark chocolate peanut bar had a really thick shell, and Heather admits she made the dough. Whisk Me Away wins Dessert Wars, shocking an overly confident Pastry Land. The 3 chefs on the Red team are some of the best there, so this will be a tough decision; it stinks cause Danielle's a total clunker. Heather's crap pastry shells gets her eliminated, taking out what was many of us considered an early front-runner.

Finale! Project Runway - Oh you are f'ing kidding me. This show tricked me into a reunion before the finale and in all honestly, I started this show SUPER late. Sorry, but I don't cover reunion specials (except Bachelor/ette Tell Alls) so I'm skipping this. Feel free to talk about it in the comments but I don't care at all.

Back to the real stuff: since the designers created an 11th look, 1 look has to be removed with only 10 being presented in their show. Tim does some mentoring, chatting about the judges feedback and helping to fine-tune their collections. They spend the day before their show working with L'Oreal on hair and make-up, as well as dealing with the models; Mondo gets stressed. They have a bonding moment entering the runway tent and seeing the bright white runway and an empty room; in mere hours, the tent will be packed and the world will see their (and 7 other contestants) fashions.

Fashion show time. Heidi comes out in an all red outfit and looks like Ronald McDonald's sister and introduces the judges including guest judge/blimp Jessica Simpson. She looks TERRIBLE (this outfit isn't meant for chubbies) and had the audacity to wear a Michael Kors outfit sitting 2 seats away from him. To the clothes! Gretchen presents first, with a lot of greens/grays/browns - it's very Urban Outfitters/Anthropologie to me. Also, I think they played a Pure Moods CD during the show and now I'm tired. Andy's collection comes next: inspired by his heritage, there's some baggy pants, blurred out nips, mostly grays and silver with a few pops of lime green, and spacey headpieces. I can easily say this isn't a winning collection. Mondo is last and is in true funky Mondo form: mixed patterns, splashes of color, plaid/houndstooth- c'mon this wins no need to drag it out. Yes, drag it out because it's at this moment I realize the finale is TW0 hours. What are they going to show us the 7 decoys now too? Ay-yi-yi.

Final judging. Andy is praised for making a collection personal to him and not getting into costume territory. Nina uses the word "oriental-ism" which I am pretty sure is made up. Gretchen called her collection "Running Through Thunder" which sounds like the title theme in an 80's sports movie. Her collection is ready-to-wear and complete, though a little "monotone." Her jewelry designs are cool and given praise; oh god, I gave Gretchen a compliment. Mondo tapped into his Mexican roots and symbolism, and his collection was cohesive, had fun prints, but maybe a little over-styled. Heidi and Jessica both love the polka dot dress and want to wear it together to a party, so I hold back my laughter. The judges deliberate and, as predicted by Mel Got Served-stradamus, Andy is easily out. The judges debate Gretchen and Mondo, wearability, fashion-forward, etc. Michael Kors puts Jessica Simpson in her place a few times, which is delightful ("Read a magazine!!!"). Clearly, Nina and Michael prefer Gretche, Heidi and Jess want Mondo. Michael is on fire with his criticisms and rage- I love it. The bickering ends and the judges make the big announcement: the winner is.... GRETCHEN. Since I could care less who won this season, I'm not bitching. Let's be honest, I liked to look at Mondo's stuff but I'd never wear it. Gretchen's runway show was very ready-to-wear and could be flattering to a lot of body types. So, this show FINALLY ends and saves me 90 minutes a week. I can go to bed at a reasonable hour... starting next week!


Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, MyLifetime.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

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